Choosing. A to-do list of surrender.

Sitting in deep surrender today. Letting her wisdom wash over me. Letting the uncomfortable bits settle down into my belly as I take a deep breath, all the way down to my pelvic floor.

I feel my pelvis relax, open and then slowly I feel it gently close, without the tension.

Surrender's prayer, "I feel uncomfortable and I want to hide from it. Please don't let me hide, numb, run."

Tears. Smiles. A release of the jaw.

Texts full of the words that only women who love you without fear or judgement can send.

Thoughts of a friend whose words I miss and the knowing that time is a beautiful manifestation of space. The vulnerability of a healing relationship, the journey that is not yours alone. A house sitting in clutter and humidity, holding my space. Writing from bed with his little body next to mine, my constant shadow, the grounding.

Poetry spinning in my heart, words like blessings, insatiable for time to be seen.

Today I choose to be gentle in my words. Today I choose to go get my bangs trimmed. Today I choose to put on clothes that feel sexy against my skin, that may be yoga pants and flip flops. Today I choose to mix accomplishing with rest, a challenge. Today I choose to call in my spirit guides, to allow them to hold my unknown. Today I choose desire. Today I choose to cut out words in magazines and let them lead me, the practice that heals my heart.

Today I choose surrender's prayer as my starting moment.

***

Second photo credit Vivienne McMaster. Third photo credit Chloe Marcotti.

#catchingmomentsoflove

Me:: The impression may be that I'm on social media a lot. I am not. But I have a very active presence on it. Between Facebook and Instagram you can see me daily. I love that Instagram can share to Facebook and Twitter.

I use social media for connection. I don't use it to numb or kill time, anymore. There was a time when I could get lost in the comparisons, maybe I will just call it the social media learning curve. Now I just want ease, connection and to adore my tribe that gathers each day virtually.

I use social media to show up in as much realness as I can offer in glimpses. I show pictures of beautiful food and of me in my car with a bag of potato chips. I take selfies on good hair days and on days after I have been sitting in the car for two hours in front of the emergency room having a panic attack.

I use social media to tell a story. A story of my life so that I may connect to other's lives. I use it to catch moments I may have overlooked and ground me in the now, hoping to ground others in their's.

Mostly pictures tell my story on social media. Sometimes a poem. I may feel moved to share deep truths knowing that my deep truth is not mine to hold alone, but ours to share. I didn't have a computer in college you know. We still used pay phones.

There is this deep desire inside of me to want to fully show ME on social media.

I want to be the one who you meet for the first time in person and hear you say, "Omg, you are just like you are online."

But I'm not.

I am the one who you meet and you say, "Whoa you are so different than I thought. You don't ever sit still. Not as zen as I thought."

Zen? Me? ZEN? Haven't I mentioned that I rearrange furniture every week and that I have ADD and my anxiety is, well, high?

A friend of mine once said that I was the person who walked into a room and changed the breeze because I bring my own wind. So maybe that doesn't show up in a still picture, a moment in time.

I'm learning to be OK with that. I share on social media with my vibration, my energy, my soul's song. If you find some zen in all that, kind of cool right?

You:: I want you to see the mess and the beauty. I want to tell a real story and through that story connect you with the work I do in this world. Because what I am living and what I bring are connected. Their stories mingle. Social media allows me that gorgeous gateway to sharing this.

But you will see what you want. You will perhaps only see the beauty, those moments captured in time. You'll see a cute smile and think they never fight or throw tantrums, even if I tell you that they do, all the time.

I will keep telling you about my panic attacks and when my heart hurts. I will keep capturing moments of love. I will keep showing up because I want you to show up in your life.

Sometimes you'll tell me things like this, on social media:: "Thank you for saying it out loud, feels less lonely when I read your words." And so I keep telling my stories, because you and I are walking together.

If my (or anyone's) sharing on social media ever makes you feel less than, take a break, find a new way. Stop looking at the newsfeed and take more pictures of yourself. Comment only on your own posts for a while. Leave your phone at home and go for a walk. Challenge yourself to find that sweetspot inside of social media that brings truth, story, connection and some joy into your world.

You can find that spot. I did. I love it there. I take breaks when I need them. I send blessings of connection in that sweet spot. And the energetic vibrations that are returned are magical.

If you are struggling to find contentment on social media you can go, leave. You don't have to be there. Simple, I know, but you can. Or you grab a hashtag and play the gratitude game. Every time you take a picture with a hashtag down below it is a gratitude to life. To you.

If you'd like to play along on Instagram here are some hashtags::

#catchingmomentsoflove This is my new one. I'm excited that it will allow me to find little 'love notes' inside of my day.

#startingmoments Read about that one here.

#ilovethislifenow No explanation needed right?

#operationselfcarelikewhoa For when you are stepping into that deep level of self care that maybe you forgot you needed and it is saving your life.

#magicmaking Cause we all need to remember to see and make magic in our days.

My favorite thing about life is choice. That we choose how we want to feel. Social media is an amazing place to practice this. Out of over 3,000 friends on FB I have the most beautiful group of people who choose to lift each other up. This is what I draw into my life through social media and what I invite you to take on.

We choose how we want to feel. So on social media I'll be #catchingmomentsoflove, sharing my work and showing up in all my realness. Can't wait to see you there.

xo

***

Thank you to Social Media Consciousness: The blog project, for asking me to write a piece and be a part of this conversation. Follow #socialmediaconsciousness on Twitter and make sure to read some or all of the other posts. The conversation is brilliantly open and real.

The Making Space Cleanse ~ Summer Solstice Celebration

• 10 days of Making Space at your own pace!
• June 10th
• All leading up to a Summer Solstice Celebration that you have just for yourself or invite others to!!!!
• Together with a group to inspire and support.
• New videos and recipes!
• Join with a friend option.

$79.00 $39.00 Summer Solstice Price!!!  

$49.00 Join with a friend price!!!  

 

How do we get from where we are to where we want to be? We make space for the joy in our now and watch the magic unfold.

I am staring at my piles of clutter, my unswept floors, the toys that fill baskets and are never played with and the Spring garden is begging me to weed it. And I feel panic. Like true, true panic. Where is the time, how did I get here again, where does all this stuff come from? The front door still isn't painted, well, is half painted and none of my boy's clothes fit them. Panic.

I remind myself that this is my life. This is my process. I will always be challenged by space and stuff and piles of clutter. And when I start to feel so disconnected to my home I need to slow down and go back into the process of making space. It is slow. It is guided. It works.

My vision of summer is not piles of stuff stopping me from packing picnics or having spontaneous celebrations with homemade watermelon drinks. I want space, sand on the floor, piles of shells and the sounds of laughter. I want to prepare my home for the change of season because I kid you not, the snow shovels are still sitting in my hallway!

I want to have a Summer Solstice Celebration. So I must make space.

I want to invite you along into ritual, trust and magic. I want you to prepare your home and your heart and your mind for an amazing Summer Solstice Celebration.

This is only the beginning of inviting the magic in and dancing inside of rituals that feed our spirits and trusting that we are not only enough, but if enough could spill into overflowing, that is what we are.

Our homes, hearts and minds are all a part of the journey. Focusing on those, we can then step into the loving task of changing our life through the food we choose to eat, the way we honor our homes and ourselves. This is as close to balance as you can discover. Balance is not a goal it is an action, it is what we are always swaying in and out of. Making space is seeking out ritual, knowing that you will fall out of alignment as part of life's dance and developing the skills to ease back when you do.

For 10 days, making space in our homes, hearts and minds

• One letter each day with a making space prompt, from visioning and clearing space to flipping negative thought patterns
• Small, simple gestures that you can take on at your own pace
• Look at why you hold onto things or have trouble letting go of stuff, thoughts, habits
• 10 days of learning how to listen to yourself, through reflection and meditation
• 10 days of setting aside soft space each day for dreaming, watching and simply being in your space
• 10 days to understand the power you have to control your desires by taking on simple rituals and making more space in your life
• A online FB group of women going through the 10 days with you

Making space in our bodies using thoughts and foods that bring energy, vitality and joy

• Never once will you be worried about breaking a rule
• One recipe a day, straight from my kitchen, very few ingredients, gluten-free
• Nothing is "off limits" (really)
• 10 days of starting each day with softness and ease for your body
• 10 days of learning that you are enough and deserve to be treated like a goddess
• 10 days of watching your body release the habits that are making you exhausted, frustrated and full of anxiety
• One letter a day for 10 days with a prompt to make more space in your body and fill your cells with love and healing

Who is this for?

• Anyone who is ready to make peace with their home and body and understand themselves on a deeper level
  
• Women who are feeling overwhelmed by the clutter in their homes and wanting to make more space and create living spaces that are inviting, cozy and beautiful
• Holistic business owners looking to connect to a deeper understanding of themselves, developing a deeper rhythm of self care
• Mamas needing a support system and guidance in creating more rituals in the home and looking to feel like beautiful women again
• Women who are ready to make more space and allow their spirits to soar

Before you sign up, please read:

• This is not a food cleanse.
• This is about creating space in your life, opening up, expanding.
• This is about you. Your process. You.
  

 

Ready to make some space like these amazing women?

"You can't ask for a more uplifting, motivating and spiritual cleanse! It was better and more inspiring than I ever imagined. You'll wake looking forward to a motivational email. It is all done in baby steps and achievable changes." ~ Sarah Rich

***

"I would recommend this enlightening, soul enriching experience, to all who believe there is more to this life that so easily becomes a rut. slightly resistant, I allowed and trusted in Hannah, one of life's angels (whom I had never met) and on this journey I evolved in so many positive ways." ~ Toba Dadd

***

"A favourite quote of mine is from The Buddha – Do not believe just because wise men say so. Do not believe just because it has always been that way. Do not believe just because others may believe so. Examine and experience yourself.

I experienced for myself the changes which occurred within me and my thoughts to myself and my home after the Making Space Cleanse and Hannah’s soft and beautiful wisdom. You will learn how making your bed with linen you love can become a sacred ritual. How de-cluttering your home and releasing those old toys and books can release you from old emotional patterns and ways of being. I learned that by de-cluttering my daughters old toys I had created a space that allowed me to prepare with ease and grace her moving away from home to University.

Yes, the simple act of releasing clutter from our homes can be that powerful. Through this connection, you will find new connections to your home and yourself. Do not believe, just because wise women say so, examine and experience yourself – welcome to the journey.

Love and Blessings to you" ~Debbi Jackson

A beautiful daily letter holding inside of it...

• My love letter to you and your gorgeous life
• A Soulwork prompt
• A video with me talking to you
• Recipes that are simple and delicious
• A chance to connect with me and other women going through the days on FB
• 10 days to go at your own pace, to discover a you that might surprise you, to make space that is sacred, joyous and yours

When does the 10 days start?

• June 10th, a Monday. I love starting things on Mondays!
• We will go through the days and they will lead us into the most beautiful of Summer Solstice Celebrations!
• One letter a day, for 10 days!
• Sign up with a friend for added support.

Questions::

I have done this cleanse before, is it the same? Mostly, the prompts will be much the same. Videos will be new, new recipes will be added and of course a whole new group of women going through the days together.

Do we need to buy anything? Nope. You can choose the level that you dig in. Mostly we are looking at clearing space not adding more. Sometimes in that clearing you may want to invest in an item that brings you more ease but that is all up to you. The goal is to make space inside of what you already have and learn to create sacred space inside of the home.

What if I am gone some of those 10 days? Often people are traveling. You can save the days letter for another time and add it to your soulwork for later.

How does the group work? The group is on Facebook. It is a private group just for this Making Space Community. Once you register a link is sent out to you with information of how to request into the group and a few other details.

Making Space is a way to change your life through simplicity, ritual and a little magic thrown in:

$79 $39

Summer Solstice Celebration Price!

$49 to join with a friend

"I loved Hannah's Making Space Cleanse. In this beautifully-crafted program, Hannah nudges you to make simple, gentle changes that give you room to breathe and feel more present in your daily life. This space-clearing doesn't feel like a chore and won't overwhelm you with more for your to-do lists. By adding simple, nurturing rituals to your routine, Hannah helps you to see the clutter that's occupying your physical space, dragging your energy down, and preventing you from inviting beauty and joy into your life.

I cleared a lot of clutter during the cleanse, and somehow this felt light and easy to accomplish. The more I moved away, the more energy I felt. I also discovered that I'd been storing some personal baggage in a place that felt stuck for me... a wedding album from an unhappy marriage stashed away in my office. I created a sacred space and stored the album there... I'm honoring the journey I've been on, with all its twists and turns, but now I've created the space to move on and allow new and wonderful opportunities into my career and personal life. I'm looking forward to seeing what comes next." ~ Eithne Egan trueessencecoaching.net

2013 The Making Space Cleanse ©

Gathering. Choice. Power.

 

2 days after I talked with Tara about writing for the Grandmother Power Campaign I learned that my grandmother died. She lived overseas most of my life so my memories are few, but they are firm. Her house is where we gathered, I remember Chinese take-out, her making my grandfather lots of tea and my great-grandmother's room in her house where game shows were promptly watched each day. She never forgot a card on a birthday or Holiday, and as someone who barely knows what day it is, this always blew me away.

I think of the grandmother as the gatherer. The one that brings everyone together, who spends time in the kitchen around the rhythm of food, who makes a feast out of nothing. My kids gather often with my mother, especially around the celebration of Holidays.

I have gathering in my female blood, the howling at the moon, wild women part of me.

I see myself as a grandmother with dreadlocks and a tattooed arm around a fire pit, gathering my women around and serving from an endless pot of stew on the fire. A grandmother that does not look like the grandmothers I know, one I vision that has been born of the choice to accept nothing less than a life full of joy. A woman who walks this earth bare foot, earthing as often as possible, and happy. Happy.

She is wild like me, impulsive, so freaking happy in her life and surrounded by people who are turned on by life. She is the evolved 38 year old me. She is the 57 year old who has added another arrow tattoo to her arm. One for each 19 years of living. She often has no idea what day it is and forgets what she went into the kitchen for... that hasn't changed!

She looks back on the year she was 38 and told her husband she wasn't happy. She remembers the moment when he said that his intention was for both of them to be happy in their lives, no matter what that had to look like. She remembers the work they did, together and separately to heal and find their happy. And only she knows what 39, 40, 41 look like. I see her smiling at me.

She remembers those moments of bravery and fear when she surprised herself with her choices. When she spoke her truth because not felt like the scariest place she could live. She knows that the awakening that came was unlike what her grandmother ever felt, or was it? What secrets and choices are inside of the pasts of our grandmothers that we will never know?

We may question the choices of the grandmothers who seemed stuck in a world not of their design, wonder if they were happy or wanted more or different. Perhaps for her speaking the truth simply meant allowing herself to be where she was. Was the gathering a joy for them or part of struggle? But no matter what, their lives had power. Different from the power we vision perhaps, but power of their choice. To be in that life. To gather. To pass down their story. To teach us to see clearly what we want.

Gathering. Choice. Power.

These are my practices. My daily meditations. I write my stories today and they link to grandmothers of past and future.

That wild woman around the fire, she has always been me. She was born when I was. We walk together. She prompts me daily to speak truth, to vision, to be of a life that I create.

As we say goodbye to my grandmother and the circle of life and passing of time continue, so too do our choices, our gatherings. Our power. We walk together in a truth that is our own. When we are ready. Ready for the change, the surrender into this moment, now. They are different stories in different times.

Gathering. Choice. Power.

Yesterday I cried.

It took some Prosecco.

And a letter that stirred my emotions about connections and money and feelings.

I've been claiming space. Making space. Allowing space. And gifted with space.

Inside of this space I've felt less raw. More open.

I'm not crying as much. I am still always close to tears but in that delicious HSP way.

This space I've been searching for, searching for years. This knowing, this knowing that I've got this.

My dreams vivid, full of colors I never see in waking life.

There are days when I get in the car with a friend and we drive and plan and eat and lift our faces to the sun. Space. Pulling myself away from the computer where I've created deep love and success and giving myself permission to start living those things.

Feeling. Less raw. Filling in the gaps of times that never were.

The necklace I was wearing around my neck with the word light fell off the other day. It broke. And I set it down to fix it. I let it sit there for weeks.

I met a woman recently and I kept thinking of wrapping her in light. So I will fix the necklace and I will let the light carry forward.

Because when I cried yesterday I knew that I was already there.

In the light. In the space that I visioned forth. In the space that is rolling me in her beauty and guiding me in faith.

Tears of affirmation. Floating inside of fears and still paddling.

So that I may guide.

In the light.

The Loft Workshop Series:: Tastes of Spring

 

When: Thursday, June 6th  7-10 pm

What: A cooking class led by Persephone Brown

Where: The Loft,  workshop and retreat space for women in Rhode Island, Hope Artiste Village

Cost: $75 (We are currently filled, if you are interested in a space, please email hello@hannahmarcotti.com to be put on the wait list. xo)

 

Please join me in The Loft as I host one of my dearest friends and the most amazing whole foods chef I know, Persephone Brown. We will be sipping wine, learning her techniques and tricks, sitting at the table enjoying the gorgeous food and everyone will be taking home something special they create themselves.

 

One of my dreams has been to have a space that can bring communitiy together over food, using our hands, visioning and tribe building. I am so excited that Persephone is my first guest at The Loft. Will you join me for a night that will make us want to gather and circle more because we leave lifted and filled and glowing?

 

 

From Persephone:: A perfect recipe starts with flavor, then color.  A perfect dish grabs hold of all of your senses, you smile at the sight of its beauty, the textures dance on your tongue.  A perfect meal nourishes you beyond healthy nail beds and belly, with story, and laughter, and soft colorful cloth napkins.  A perfect meal is messy, and simple, and lovingly prepared.  The first bite you dance, the last bite you sigh, and every moment in between all that exists is love.

Cooking for my family, I create dishes that are simple, lovingly prepared, beautiful, and delicious.  Whole body nourishment is our platform to living the gorgeous life.  In this unique kitchen experience you will learn to make some of my favorite dishes while we clink glasses, share stories, and feast.

On June 6th, as we slowly start to feel summer's approach, we will be exploring some of the beautiful foods that Spring offers us for just a short time more. You will learn how to make and then gather around the table to enjoy 6 dishes that will dance with your tastebuds and excite you to go home to your kitchen and prepare for a gathering around your table.

I can't wait to meet you and join you at the table.

 Tastes of Spring Menu

red pepper~walnut crudite

avocado stuffed portobella with tomato and arame

roasted spring vegetables with lemon & greek yogurt

citrus marinated scallops

raw banana pie

chocolate almond truffles

*All dishes are gluten & grain free.  If this feels like it is right for you but you have an allergy or food restriction, please ask, accommodations may be made.

I am a firm believer in you are what you eat.  I am a healthy living coach and chef who teaches and inspires women to feed themselves beautiful meals that nourish through their simplicity, color, and flavor.  Food can distort and distract from our experiences or ground and connect us to them.  To find out more about cooking classes, guided cleanses, or to read about my life and experiments in the kitchen, visit www.PersephoneBrown.com

Beautiful Faces. Magical Places.

 

I am eager for the lists that make their way out on sleepy Friday mornings. Today I am a showered, rather calm for me, forgetting the dog food again, excited for the potential of today kind of woman.

Oh me, I love love.

Facebook, you know I adore you, but we really need to talk about this.

I have this one on repeat today.

I've run into this one a few times, and each time, feel the magic.

Bam.

She made me cry with this one.

You had me at dancing with the moon.

The Loft Workshop Series:: A night of visioning

When: Wednesday, May 22, 2013 7pm - 10pm

Where: The Loft, a community workshop and retreat space for women in Rhode Island, Hope Artiste Village

What you’ll need if you are a new participant: Two or more magazines, and wine if you want to sip some while you create! A vision book will be provided for you.

What you'll need if you have taken The Spirits of Joy course: Magazines, wine if you desire it and your vision book

Sold out!!!! Thank you.

Spirits of Joy comes alive and The Loft welcomes you to feel its magic….

A night of circling, exploring, creating, expanding, visioning.

In Spirits of Joy we spent 30 days bringing prompts to life in our joy books, finding our desires and creating pages filled with the words and visions and feelings that surround them. We harnessed our manifesting magic through visioning, so we could love this life now while creating a future of our dreams.

During this visioning workshop we'll work on 3 or 4 prompts together, sharing our pages and intentions. Women holding dreams for one another is one of the most powerful forces!!! The pdf for all 30 days of prompts will be sent to everyone attending.

We will circle at The Loft and journey together through magazines, finding the words and images and feelings contained in our dreams and create pages for our joy books. Together, we’ll provide a gorgeous container for our energies and maybe sip some wine, too. It will be a night of manifesting and magic, circling and expanding.

Snacks will be provided but bring a bottle of wine to enjoy while you create and vision. There is plenty of parking, on street and in an assigned lot for the Hope Artiste Village. If you have a vision book from the online course, Spirits of Joy, please bring it!!! If this is all new to you, a vision book will be provided.

Limited, limited space available. Make sure to grab your space!

As you lose your feathers.

I taught myself how to truly live in abundance through feathers. I tell the story in my vision book workshops and I will guide the community of The August Joy Up (yes, joy up is coming, its coming!!!) in learning to understand abundance this way. For now, I'll just say feathers became my thing. Quickly I was finding feathers where there never was a bird and my life started to switch from one of lack and complaining into one of abundance and gratitude.

As a highly sensitive person I tend to wear very few things, like only 4 of the shirts in the drawer and lots of leggings and yoga pants. I find a pair of earrings and wear them every day. I find a favorite shirt and I'll have it made in black and gray and white. I crave comfort and familiarity when dressing.

During my early practice with feathers I found these gorgeous, long earrings with feathers in my color story on Etsy. They were reiki blessed and held my favorite color stones. I wore them every day. They loved me. We had a love affair. They were soft and I really never felt them but always could glance the chains and stones hanging right by my chin and neck.

In Seattle this past April I was sitting in a gorgeous French Restaurant with Persephone. We had just taught at Feast Retreat and we were having a quick meal to celebrate our time and to give me a chance to sit in a city I had left 14 years ago.

I took off my coat and brushed my hair out of my face and on one side there was no feather. I looked in my coat, on the floor. Gone.

 I felt for a moment, frozen. Persephone knew how much those earrings meant to me, how attached to 'things' I can get. We kept looking for a bit and then sat down and ordered a drink.

"OK, so what are you releasing?" Persephone asks.

I think I probably threw my head on the counter and moaned. Damn. OK. Perfect.

I can't remember what I said, if anything good at all. But the truth was that I was releasing so much.

During the retreat Liz gave me full permission to show up as my highly sensitive self. To take time away when I needed it. To truly honor my needs. I didn't think I would be able to do it but once I got there I felt such deep permission, the kind that I give others but rarely receive. One day I even went to lay down and fell asleep before lunch. I never nap, let alone in a place outside of my home.

I released being afraid of getting my needs met while around others.

I had only a very short time in Seattle, the city where I lived for 3 1/2 years from 21-24. When I was there I was inside of a lot of struggle. I had huge body image challenges, I was in and out of jobs that didn't fullfill me, I was a struggling actor, I felt so distant from myself as a woman, from my sexuality, from being seen. There were decisions I made there that I had been holding onto with regret. There was a loss of self that I could never piece into the forgiveness that I have for myself now.

Being back in the city, as this woman who has journeyed, done the work, hacked joy, fallen in love with life, being there in that moment, as this me, was healing. Because I was ready.

I released regret, old stored pain and the fear of forgiveness. And I forgave myself.

I think about someone walking down the streets of Seattle and finding this feather earring. Finding a symbol of my release. Or maybe a bird will pick it up and add it to a nest they are making. I imagine that the earring's story did not end when it fell from my ear but simply moved into the chapter titled, The Release.

Losing my feathers, molting, this is what happens when we start to fly, to soar, to grow.

Let’s shed one fear, like a bird loses a feather in flight, by stating it, naming it and letting it flow off of us as though we are birds in flight, knowing that once it drops it will become a magical gift of release…

And the person who finds your feather, she is just learning about magic. 

***

Follow up:: I contacted the woman who made me the earrings so long ago and she is creating a whole new pair of them for me. I don't know what they'll look like but my heart is happy.

***

Community Grace starts Wednesday. Are you ready???

***

In just a few days the workshop series at The Loft in Rhode Island will be launched. Get ready for serious feather releasing magic.

Space without words.

Photo credit picture 9 Lori Massie-Spriestersbach, picture 10 Vivienne McMaster

I am beautiful.

Photo by Vivienne McMaster

4% of women think they are beautiful. What kind of fucked up is that? What kind of world am I raising a gorgeous daughter in?

I cried when I told Patrick about this video as we were lying in the dark. I couldn't talk about it without kind of falling apart. This is one of the reasons I am on this earth. Because I've spent most of my life trying to say those words.

I am beautiful.

I am beautiful.

I am beautiful.

And sometimes I see a picture of myself and I feel ugly. Sometimes I wake up and I see my neck starting to show my age, even though I love the age I am. Sometimes I look at my belly and want to hide it.

But still, I am beautiful.

I am beautiful.

I am beautiful.

When I removed all magazines, tv and other forms of beauty as defined by advertisers my world changed. And while I still don't think Dove is stretching itself to the beauty that is too far out of our American comfort zones, it is a start. And I feel blessed at any sort of start.

Chloe's dad tells her she is beautiful and smart and funny. I tell her that she makes the most amazing outfits and has a style that no other 10 year old has. She never sees commercials or magazine adds (well, she sees magazines, but ones that we cut up for visioning!) or has voices coming from outside of her telling her she is not living up.

At 10 years old I already thought I was fat.

At 16 I convinced myself I should stop eating so I could feel love.

At 18 I went into therapy for the first time.

At 24 I dieted my already tiny body down to a size nothing for my wedding.

At 34 after my third baby was born I dieted down to a size 4/6 and convinced myself it wasn't really dieting, just healthing living.

At 36 I gained 20 pounds.

At 38 I declared the war over.

At 38 I knew it would be the year that my life would change forever.

At 38 I finally saw my beauty. And it surprised me.

At 38 I knew that if I could see my beauty I could guide other women to see theirs.

At 38 I believed it when someone told me I was beautiful.

At 38 I have peace when I see my reflection.

At 38 I stood in the woods and let a gorgeous photographer take pictures of my belly. (More on that soon.)

At 38 I looked in the mirror, 20 pounds over the weight I had kept myself at for years and said...

I am beautiful.

And everything changed.

There is so much work I have to do on my soul and my past and my spirit. There is so much I am learning so I can show up as a guide and writer and friend and partner and mother.

And I love the work. I will do the work. And I will ask you to show up and do your work so that if you are not in that 4%, the 4% that makes me tear up when I think about that preciously tiny number, if you are not in it - good. Because I don't want you in the 4%, I want you in the 100%, the 100% of women who know they are beautiful.

Let's raise it together. Let's show up even when it is hard. Let's show up in our beauty. In this gorgeous life.

***

Here is how I can help guide you right now into this beauty. First as part of community who lift each other up, who hold the belief that as women who are gathering inside of community we see our beauty together. We hold space for our sisters to shine in their light and allow us to shine in ours. Community Grace starts May 1st.

If you really want to rock your world in May, join my sweet friend Vivienne in her course Be Your Own Beloved. I've done it once and will do it again. Looking in your own eyes really is life changing.

Let May be the month you start to let your light shine, your beauty radiate and where you know that there are circles of women who want that for you. They want to make that space for you to step into your gorgeous life. We are only beginning.

Beautiful Faces. Magical Places.

 

I am eager for the lists that make their way out on sleepy Friday mornings. Today I am a woman united with a world struggling to understand, take a deep breath. Today I am love. Today we are love.

Look into the eyes.  {found from Susannah}

I am rather in love with this company. I don't own anything from them but these words, this understanding, this makes me .

Read this 17 times-ish. Felt more softness inside...

From an old friend and client. This.

I will never save the poem for just the end. This to me was such a brilliant emotional untangling.

There is a lot of juice in this one.

Just ordered this and can't wait!!!!

One of the loves in my life, who helps me heal, laugh and feel such joy.

 Anything Justine, but we can start here this week. "Epic is about bringing it." Huge crush on this woman.

Falling

In the cracks I am falling through your words.

In the cracks I am the hardness of your bicep where my head rests, has always known.

In the cracks I am inside your endless disregard of my zenith of awakening.

In the cracks I am the quiet kiss that the beep affirms, that plays with my pleasure - insatiable for your notice.

In the cracks I am your spirit lover, the one who impinged your feelings...the ones that my wings would soon set free.

In the cracks -your cracks- I am fucked-up, hands together over the place that holds breath -my breath- and I want my reflection back.

In the cracks I am your one time longing, feather falling, the one that swims through pulsing white rocks filling space of emptiness.

In the cracks I am young art, folded in wrapped scarves. Draping my belly from sight.

In the cracks I am the opening of my secrecy, my floating eyes, the clench of a pelvis searching for breath.

In the cracks I am slipping in each, in each, in each.

In the cracks I am falling through words.

Highly sensitive lists.

she has a fever.

i get up after she finally falls to sleep, hours of waking, 'mama my stomach hurts,' and i can't make it stop.

i clear off the tiny kitchen table that has been covered in stuff for weeks.

the coffee smells like everything. memories, joy, longings, pleasure.

where are the kids thursday, what do i leave for dinner.

without my mother, Patrick, best friends, this travel wouldn't be possible. deep gratitude for the village.

packing list. i can't forget my favorite shirts. how many boots can i cram inside the tiny red case.

little sleep the days before travel.

my mind revolves, i see the prescription for xanax that i think about filling every time before i fly. and never have.

i am about to land in a state that held my life for almost 4 years. i have changed so much.

the young girl who left 14 years ago returns as a woman.

i have curves now. babies. desires filled and filling.

tattoos now grace my skin and the long hair that was cut off there is now returning. and i adore it.

both boys sleeping on the couch as i sip the coffee and sit in the tiny kitchen. i love this kitchen.

when i asked him to leave that home that was once ours he agreed. but i know the decision hurt him. he loved it there. i was so lost.

i feel peace at the east's oceans. never as settled as i am when my feet are buried in her sand.

i feel healing at the west's oceans. my adventure, longings, excitement on her shores.

the whole house sleeps. dog snores.

i make the lists. target. art supplies. i want to go out for breakfast.

the yellow pages pull my anxieties and delights together.

let it rain on your soul. my vision board holds these words.

birds are singing. coffee cold.

he is stirring.

my stomach rumbles. i am grateful. the lists pull my wandering mind back in.

for one moment i relax. and think about what i will have for breakfast.

A love addict is not born.

A love addict was not how I thought I would be defined but once my marriage coach said it something stirred inside. I had this powerful yes float up from my gut to my head. I felt truth.

Our biggest fear as a love addict is being left, abandoned. We crave intimacy and connection and yet in love relationships we do not know how to receive postitive intimacy. We push away while being needy. If we start to see healthy intimacy we want to run. We have expectations of our partners that go beyond healthy. We are starving and feed ourselves only crumbs.

A cupcake is sickening when you are used to eating crumbs. Don't get me started on cake.

My hunger.

For the past few months I have been looking in the mirror and seeking truth.

I have been starving for freedom from this addiction.

Having this knowledge feels like the moment I first heard what a highly sensitive person was. It was like an opening for me to be myself for the first time. It has taken me years to start integrating the past sensitive me with the now sensitive me. It brings me pleasure to know the truth of who I am so that I can show up in light.

My light.

My voice has been quiet recently. Quiet in this public space, reaching out to only my closest few for support and intimacy in the healthiest ways I know. But I want to talk about all of it. I am not afraid to be vulnerable but I am afraid of stuffing this truth inside. I am afraid that if I don't start to talk about it my voice will start to fade.

My voice.

"Eventually, as Love Addicts try harder and harder to manipulate the other person to live up to the mental image they have created-- that is, someone who will care for and love them the way they long to be cared for and loved-- they experience repeated disappointments, because no one can satisfy these insatiable desires." - Facing Love Addiction by Pia Mellody (this is the book, if you feel called to learn more because I am giving very little description in this post, it is life shifting)

The love addict typically is in partnership with a love avoidant, who is also not born. He becomes as survival. (This is not gender specific, just for myself.) We are all born as pure love but every moment we are shaped.

I remember my first baby, two weeks old, she would cry every day for about a total of 9 hours. By the end of the day I would be a puddle of tears and anger and sadness and shame. Even her tiny two week old body was responding to her world, to her stimulus, to things that I couldn't find a way to fix.

My fears.

I am afraid of my loneliness. Of being alone after starving for so long. And that is why I am called to be with this, to be with myself and cupcakes. To accept that I can have that fucking frosting without freaking out.

Recently, I had this aha moment that I am not an introvert as I had always thought. I am a highly sensitive extrovert who craves people and laughter and connection but I can so easily become filled up and overstimulated and if I am not truly interested in the conversations or people-- 'pretending' is like kryptonite. I become weak.

I love being with my kids but I am so easily overstimulated by them that sometimes it feels like pain inside. I fear watching my daughter repeat my patterns and as I watch my husband start to change I see her move farther and farther from that repetition. I fear raising boys who will not know how to be present or show up in love and then my four year old touches my hair and sings, "Om Shanti Shanti" in the most loving way possible and my eyes fill with tears.

I fear that this addiction will never allow me to know the joy of being filled by healthy intimacy. With myself first. Without crumbs. I fear not being able to eat cake.

My truth.

I have been working my ass off the last few years to get to this truth. To be able to look in my own eyes and say, "this is me." This is me.

Now together with my husband we are showing up and doing the work together. He has a shitload to do and so do I. And I feel so gently strong and beautiful as I walk this path. We have no idea where we will end together but we are both willing to show up because joy is what we both desire as personal destination. Joy is our guide.

I have such love for who I am and who I am becoming and who I was. I fall into vulnerability regularly. I sit in silence with myself. I reach out when I crave connection without judgement, simply as my practice of healthy boundaries. I notice when it is out of desperation or truth.

My boundaries.

This is where I find myself landing now. Understanding boundaries.

My marriage coach has asked me to no longer take responsibility for others' feelings, because they are not mine. This is my hardest and most beautiful journey in this moment. To allow those who I have extreme intimacy with to have their feelings without it being about me.

I find an inbox filled with words advising me to change the colors of my daily emails and demands that seem to come out of nowhere. And I am learning to breathe and not take them on. They are not my story.

When my kids fight and I want to explode, I am clenching everything I can clench and counting to 3 as slowly as I can. I am praying that one day I won't be clenching, simply counting. For now, I must.

I am learning how to create healthy friendships where I don't get lost but can ask for support-- and this one, receive. Oh, receive. Without having to give as my exchange for receiving. Tough shit my loves, tough, tough shit this boundary work.

My thank you.

This is me. This, is me.

Fully, unapologetically, me.

Let's keep going. I am so ready for all of it.

Thank you for being here, for being a landing place for these words and for my prayer that all that I continue to journey through becomes what I teach and guide.

Thank you for the bravery to look into your own eyes and say...

This is me.

Resources:

The New Rules of Marraige by Terrance Real

Facing Love Addiction by Pia Mellody

Video with Terrance

Community Grace - Connection, shining, opening

Community Grace:: 30 Days of Play to Build Connection Around Your Blog or Online Business
When:: May 1st-30th
Registration:: $49 to join us

One day I was walking the dog thinking about my weekly letter, Making Space (love letters from me to you), and my heart was overflowing with the gratitude for the responses I get from this gorgeous community each time I send one out. I thought, this is community grace. It feels like a long table under the stars, set with water glasses and wine goblets, bowls flowing with salads and soups and community gathering around in truth and harmony. Being together, sharing a common goal (that beautiful meal and conversation).

Gathering your community is finding those that deeply resonate with and need the words you are sharing with them. A community can start with just one other person or 100 people. Each person in your community is unique and helps you stand in your light.

I want to guide you towards creating your own community grace.

For 30 days we will play::

• A prompt every other day for 30 days, a day to explore it and a day to talk about it within our private community.
• New ways to think about using your words to build connection and build your audience.
• Authentic strategies to start to create the community you want to guide and be a part of.
• Gentle pushes to move through the fear of your voice.
• A chance to 'play' with your words and connections through prompts that open you up a bit.
• Connecting the word joyful with your writing.
• Find a new way to view virtual connecting.
• Expand your safe boundaries, they will still be safe!

Who is this for::

• Women who are using their words to gather community and build tribe.
• Women who are blogging inside of businesses.
• Women who are writing and want to find a way to expand their connections and create a little community grace in their lives.

Words from women in my community::

"In the clamor and noise of marketing mayhem, Hannah Marcotti writes in a gentle yet fierce voice.  In Community Grace, I turned my thinking around.  Instead of trying to "promote to my target audience,"  I learned that I needed to attract the people I want to hang out with and who want to hang out with me.  This was huge medicine for me as an online entrepreneur.

 

Hannah taught us how to find and envision the grace that is within, to honor it and express it.  Even better, we came together as a community that was loving and supportive." ~ Loran Hills

"This program came into my life at the exact moment I needed it. I was craving direction in my new business and blog, and Hannah gave us such a gift with helping us discover our voices. I found my way to connect to my tribe through my writing, and at the same time, dive deeper into my true self and embracing my vulnerability. I made life long friends with the other women who joined. This program expanded my business and my world. I am so grateful for my experience." ~Jessica DeFeo

"The catalysts for my biggest a-ha moments during the program were pieces of your story and the stories of our Joy sisters - the reflection of self and possibility, connecting us all as one."

"I’m a writer who believes ARDENTLY in the power of community. I thrive when I’m connected to other writers who can just hold space for my work and share what it’s like to be living the writers life. The community you’ve created, Hannah, is so unique and so special. I think we’re all called to connect with others when we need it most– and I really believe the communities we find are the exact ones we need at that point in our lives."

"I am missing Hannah's daily emails, it had become part of my morning ritual. I would read them on my cell phone before getting out of bed every morning."

"Thank you all so much for your unconditional love, support, laughs and tears. Love being a part of this amazing group."

"I did not have any expectations going in and I learned this: to allow my creative side to gets its groove back, slow my roll and enJOY more of the *now* and gobble up all the inspiring stories of your daily letters and the fantastically beautiful, strong women in this group."

When will we start to play::

• May 1-30
• A prompt one day, a group discussion around it the next.
• Yes, this is play, fun, expanding your vision for the power of your words.

Register Here::

$49.00

Questions you might have::

Is this a writing course? No, I won't be critiquing your writing but I will be giving you prompts to explore using your words to gather the strength of community and connection around your writing. I know awesome writing coaches if you need a reference.

Will the prompts help me with blogging? I hope so! We will play and you will explore your words in different ways. My hope is that you'd get some great posts written during May inspired by writing with your community in mind.

In 30 days will I have increased my community? If you connect with just one person in these 30 days the answer to this will be yes!

Will you be telling stories of how you built your community and made such awesome connections? Why of course, thanks for asking, I love to tell stories!

Is this about making more money with my blog? Nope, not during these 30 days. Eventually, yes.

What if I'm not playful in the online world? Then go ahead and sign up, I'll help you with that!

like this.

like this. i want to feel you harder.

like this. fly away.

like this. my hands together i release you.

like this. it pulls you back.

like this. the point that pricks me.

like this. dust in the sun.

like this. anger in my gut, anger down to my toes.

like this. that sweet bite, and the salt.

like this. morphing.

like this. i feel it in the cracks, the sticky notes, the marks down on time.

like this. i will scream.

like this. i will laugh while my side aches.

like this. slide down underneath the clock.

like this. now my sweet.

like this. i want to feel you harder.

like this.

I am...

Spirits of Joy is a course I am currently guiding all about making a vision book. We go through 30 days of guided prompts to help shift and vision and dream and be and process and give permission. But you don't have to make a whole book, you could start with a page. I am sharing one of the most powerful prompts for myself with you today from the course, if you feel drawn to create a page, please join us and tag your picture on instagram #spiritsofjoy.

To create your page all you need is a piece of paper, magazines you can cut up, glue stick and scissors. Go into your magazine and let your I am find you. Today my I am found me, I am the stars...

***

I am.

Express who you see in your visions of you, who you know in your spirit you are.

Here is the fun part, find it! Go flip through magazines or listen to some music until you hear or see your I am appear.

(Here is a hint...you can't be wrong!)

Spirits of Joy I am from Hannah Marcotti on Vimeo.

Password:: I am

The first time I did this I let go of anything that I thought about myself. I opened up a JCREW catalog. I flipped through finding myself drawn to the words that were used in their marketing.

I saw, 'a golden one,' and my heart said, yes! I even love the comma!

I feel a light inside that I am drawing forth, I love gold jewelry, I am trying so very lovingly to release some past yucks, I am learning to stand in truth.

A golden one,

Thank you JCREW, I'll take it. Often if we let go of what we think we are looking for, what then finds us is exactly perfect.

Goodmorning Beautiful Day. A gift in April.

:: 31 days of waking up to morning affirmation, intention, permission and joy in April (one bonus email on April Eve). My gift to you.

I'm on the computer a lot. I subscribe to too many things and while my email is sort of central operations for my business I am clogged with stuff. I want my email to be a place of ease, not drowning.

I decided that I would unsubscribe to everything that comes in that I don't open and read. There are a lot of them. And as I am doing that I am seeing the words of people who I adore and desire hearing from start to stand out and I have space to receive them.

Mornings have been a place of struggle for me. I could lay in bed with coffee and not move for hours each day but my life is full of kids and animals and a business that lights me up.

I look for ways to add layers to my morning rituals to add ease. I can go out in my jammies to bring the kids to school but when I shower and take time to dress myself beautifully I feel alive, fresh, peaceful.

Starting each day with intention or prayer or inspiration or blessing is for me a life-shifter. I can find myself falling into yelling, resentment, anger, frustration so easily.

If I can grab onto one thought that allows me to vibrate in a new way, which then is like a pay-it-forward effect, each day is gently transformed.

I enter the day with love rather than anger.

I find that I have more patience and time stretches.

I am more focused (and as an adult with OCD/ADD whatever it may be labled this is huge for me) with my daily practices.

You accepting space for my words in your inbox each morning is an honor and I am humbled daily that words I write have such beautiful places to land.

This crazy thing called transparency.

I find myself sitting in Patrick's car outside the emergency room. He is rubbing my back and I am using Ujjayi Pranayama which is my comfort, my safety. He seems certain I am not dying so I try to know that I am not dying, that my heart is just experiencing some struggle. I breathe deeply the sounds of the ocean and I know I am safe.

First panic attack since November, November when my life started to shift into an awakening and it feels like living on a boat, always rocking, sometimes wild swaying, the occasional storm.

Before getting in his car both of my hands went numb and I found it hard to open and close them. My heart was beating out of rhythm. The room kept taking on a powerful white glow, similar to a moment in time when I was laboring with Chloe, when something greater than myself felt present.

He says, "I wish you could just get a cold!" I laugh. God, I do too. But this body of mine is far too clever. This body calls me out when I am stuffing in my emotions or hiding or numbing.

I got triggered by anger. I got really angry, suddenly, out of nowhere. It wasn't the anger that comes when I'm trying to avoid something, it was real true anger. I was angry about not knowing. At myself. It was the anger that you feel that moves you further up the emotional scale towards joy. If you let yourself feel it. And joy is what I seek.

I remember inside of the anger, as my heart started to beat faster, I remember thinking I need to call a friend. I need to tell someone about this anger, I need someone to hold it with me, help me process. My blood sugar was low. I was having such a nice day with my babes. I thought maybe my heart just went out of rhythm and it would pump back into normal with one more breath.

So I made a choice not to trust the anger wanting to come out. Not to trust its vulnerability of feeling and talking. I didn't want to call a time out on my Saturday with the kids to process it. I didn't want to burden another with my story, with my anger story.

I didn't want to receive. 

So my body called a time out. And I sat outside the emergency room in ocean breath with the man who has witnessed all the panic attacks and emergency room visits each time I've refused to feel and trust and we sat there together as it moved through. We are learning a new way to be together. Which is simply just being together. Accepting what is. Like that moment. We didn't place judgement on it, we let it work through, we let the panic surrender in its own timing.

In this awakening life has shifted. I feel transparent. Beautifully transparent.

I am sad and I am so fucking happy. Like happier than I've been in forever. This work I've been doing for years is the work of angels, hearts, oceans, fires. It is pulsing and dramatic as hell. It is my intensity leaning into being. This is me knowing that I love this life now.

Not everyone will live a life with the same intensity and drama and sensitivity that I do. Oh my!!! Accepting not only our way, how we move through, with Ujjayi breath or holding our breath or passsionate panting or the deep exhale and pause, but knowing that a greater source of breath exists within.

Trust.

I sat outside the emergency room and I felt a trust for this panic attack. I felt crazy transparency and not ashamed of my hands numbed or my heart wild. Patrick had googled panic attacks, even though we know, and told me how many people experience them.

I felt this connection to my Universe which is our Universe. My safety is there. My safety is within that which is breathing through me.

I breathe deeply the sounds of the ocean, and I know, I know I am safe.

***

(thank you to all of my sweet loving friends who sent me the texts and the messages checking on me. thank you.i breathe with all of you.)