I don't know how to live without the pain.

"And if you feel free, you feel empowered. And every negative emotion that exists—hear this—every negative emotion that exists is because there is some sense of loss of freedom somewhere in there."

--- Abraham

I think in blog posts sometimes, well a lot.

I think about my pain, the pain that has mostly been released, in blog post style, in my mind.

Physical therapy last Wednesday. A safe space where I go to work through the pain that I held in my pelvic floor, in my muscles, for so long. Where I learn to strengthen and stop fearing my body.

The confession: I don't know how to be without the pain. I've spent months understanding the pain, healing from the pain, processing the pain, learning to release the pain.

I know the pain isn't something that was happening to me, it was happening inside of me.

I know that the pain has been in my life for over 15 years.

I know that I don't have to have the constant fear of, excuse of... the pain. Now that it is going. But I do need to accept it as something that once was.

I know that I don't know how to live without the pain. I am learning.

I know that the pain was mine. No blame. Just mine.

As I am working through this release and into freedom it is this place I find myself, learning to live without the pain. No longer having the excuse, the set-backs, the chaos, the nurturing when down, the time away healing, the whatever it gave me.

And most of all I know that I don't have to feel the pain anymore. Just the reality of it releasing. I  can think about it in blog posts, but I have to feel it.

That is freedom. Freedom is what I'm ready to feel.

It is this that I am starving for.

Magic Making Mastermind Circle

I woke up at 4am with a jolt.

I saw a circle of women. We were change and love and fierce because we were creating together.

In this circle all of the magic that was happening would ebb and flow through a space that held beauty and faith and change. That held light.

My life in that one moment changed and I find myself sitting here now, in this space of beauty, faith and change.

I was stepping into such deep truth in my life and this was the answer that came from the surrender into faith.

The fierce, fierce magic has begun and I am assembling this circle that I visioned; that changed where I sit, how I plan, what is next.

 When I get a vision, a life changing vision I don't go slowly.

I launched an event that would circle women together inside of this magic before I had the keys to the space.

With my eyes closed I said a little (huge) prayer and then asked for faith.

Please God, please someone, tell me I'm not fucking up. (New Englanders do use the F word in prayer, it is kind of like and and the for us.)

And the voices that came back echoed over and over... trust yourself, trust yourself.

And the signs appeared as if out of bubbles of trust.

Disco balls, texts with yes, Buddha heads, smiling eyes, women radiating me to open and trust.

In a deeply personal retreat circling with soul-sisters my own words found hanging on a wall that I might have forgotten I wrote.

Fierce, fierce magic.

This is why I am here. To circle us together and show each of you your magic.

This is why circling with women is my heart's joy song.

When we have permission to see, feel and create our magic these dreams do start falling and we pay it forward and it ripples.

Yes, ripples.

 

Sitting together in virtual space and real space.

Magic making into the deepest level of care and love for who we are and what we bring to this world.

Visioning through words, images, time together.

Creating joy bubbles that flow out to those we love and support and guide.

Getting shit done.

Finding feathers where there never was a bird because we have such deep belief and faith.

Learning to receive in our circling. Allowing others to receive from us.

Circling. Magic making. The 4am wake up. And so it is.

• May, June, July, August we circle in our magic making mastermind
• 2 magic making sessions (worth $600)
• A monthly group call where we come together and talk it out, ask for clarity, support, ideas, love and we make space for our magic
• Monthly recordings with women I love who are living beautiful, successful lives (announced sooooon!)
• All calls will be recorded
• A private virtual group to connect daily
• Free enrollment into any Joy Up or Making Space programs I run through these months
• Invitation to a private live #operationselfcarelikewhoa event in August at The Loft (the very magical space) in Providence, Rhode Island
• A print of Fierce, fierce magic (stars falling) from the gorgeous Cassia

The magic making mastermind circle is for women who are dreaming of aligning the vision for their lives with the reality of those same lives.

Women who want to use their voices through writing and connecting and creating to make magic in their lives or businesses.

Women who are trying to do it all while learning to integrate living in a highly sensitive body, women who are ready to start, to begin anew, to be seen.

• Only 20 spaces in this circle, it will be intimate and intense and full of freedom 1 spot left, please email me at hello@hannahmarcotti.com to register
• Freedom is the place where you create, where your life becomes your dream
• 4am jolts of inspiration strongly encouraged in this circle
• You will step into this group and deep change will happen for you, be ready

• $200.00 a month for May, June, July and August
• An invitation to an optional private live August event at The Loft in Rhode Island (those are the stairs in the picture above)
• Limited spaces, please email me at hello@hannahmarcotti.com with questions so we can get your spot reserved!!!!
• 2 individual sessions will be scheduled where we will kick up the magic
• Group calls each month full of yeses and support and inspiration
• Recordings with kick-ass women who will inspire you to no end and who are magic
• Enrollment into any Joy Up or Making Space program held during these months
• Fierce, fierce magic

Will you show up?

“There are women who make things better... simply by showing up. There are women who make things happen. There are women who make their way. There are women who make a difference. And women who make us smile. There are women of wit and wisdom who- through strength and courage- make it through. There are women who change the world everyday... Women like you.” ~ Ashley Rice

Currently full and waitlisted for the May-August Circle. We will do it again!

Crazy love that was sprinkled on me recently from my magical tribe::

"She has a magical balance of ferocity and gentleness that speak directly to your heart while not leaving your mind out of the equation. Oh, and she rocks."

"What you do is take women who don't even know how to believe in what they already are, don't know that they should, and you give them hope, give them the tools, introduce them to a way of looking at themselves, the world, each other - that illuminates ILLUMINATES the path that we failed to notice was beneath our feet all along."

"Hannah walks her talk, follows the path so that it is illuminated for the souls she guides. She has her finger on the pulse of the universe, and embodies the sacred feminine."

"Hannah is honest, real, a storyteller, authentic, magical, passionate, gentle and tough all at the same time..."

"Hannah has a gentle way of shaking up every fibre of your being by opening your eyes to who you truly are and how you can bring yourself forward into the life (and spirit) that has always felt just out of reach. She takes your hand and guides you home, to the best possible version of your true self. Once she has touched your life, you will never be the same and you will thank the Universe every day for guiding you to her. xo"

""Hannah is a gentle guide for women, aiding them in allowing the space to see their true calling through visioning and surrender work. Her prompts are transformational, helping women unlock their own unique inner-beauty, and step into the vulnerability of owning it and sharing it."

"You are an earth goddess creating magic, aligning us all to the powers of the universe."

And I have such fierce love for every single one of those voices.

Circling. In Providence.

We came together on a Friday morning at The Loft, Headquarters of #operationselfcarelikewhoa. It was a giant sleepover, sharing of meals and guiding, visioning, yoga and healing. That was about half the stuff!

#operationselfcarelikewhoa is a movement.

#operationselfcarelikewhoa grew from a funny hashtag that I used when I was inside of a deeply transforming time of my life, leaning into the truth of self-care through space, energy and love.

The operation was born as I truly allowed myself wings. And spirit whispers. And joy. And peace. And freedom. And deep, deep truth and healing. As I was working hard. As I was learning to relax.

It was a solo operation at first and then it became a mission, a movement!

Before I left for Oregon I planned the first event for #operationselfcarelikewhoa and it sold out in 10 hours, with 5 spots being added on.

Because like whoa we need this, we crave this, we must circle with our women as part of the deep self-care work we will all be called towards. Self-care may sound like bullet points in the latest magazine telling you to get your nails done but I promise you that for most of us it is a calling towards saving our lives, saving ourselves from disappearing from our own eyes.

It is filling a hole inside.

My hole is in my gut, when I closed my eyes I saw it and felt it, it was black and empty but when I stepped into #operationselfcarelikewhoa it became transparent. It is still there but it is no longer something I fear, because now through its transparency I see me. All of me. Even those scary, raw bits that I'd rather hide in the darkness.

Like whoa.

This hole that is inside of me helps me discover my deepest cravings, it is the young wounds we carry and the searching soul.

Like whoa. 

Circling is vital to the movement. As women we crave this 'rent tent' time together where we can nurture and be nurtured in a collective wave. We want to lead and be led, touch and be touched.

Circling is a form of healing when you remove jealousy, status, competition, judgement and open space for vulnerability, nurture, love, gentle power and forgiveness.

Circling is showing up in truth and sharing what feels good.

Circling is allowing others to lay hands on your wounds and then holding that hand in gratitude and love.

Circling is the deepest form of fear for many of us who were taught that women are jealous of us and we cannot show up in our light.

Circling is the rhythm of sharing meals, fears and giggles.

The operation was fierce and we received and were held as worthy and opened and left with a new belief in ourselves. I witnessed intense, sacred moments between women during this circling that will forever allow me to move through this world knowing that circling is part of my calling and has been since I was a child.

Circling is the gift that I bring. Circling is the gift where I am receiving pieces of my healing as I share that transparent hole inside of my belly.

This journey to heal, to be whole:: lifelong. I pray that many of those days journeying will be spent in the circles of women who believe that they too have wings to fly.

Tomorrow I'll tell you about waking up and knowing that this is where I was called to bring my work. It is why The Loft (#operationselfcarelikewhoa Headquarters) was manifested within days of the vision. This is the vision that grew from hundreds of women flowing into The Joy Programs and circling together. This is the vision that will take us deeper, together, circling and soaring.

Circling. In Oregon.

(Photo by Kelly Rae)

Circling with women is finding your wings. 

Circling with women draws forth the beauty of voice.

Circling with women is being held, radiated, lifted.

(Photo by Curly Girl)

Circling with women allows you to step into a light whose source lies inside of you.

Circling with women lets you start to erase the shame of showing up in your beauty.

Circling with women is accepting your emptiness, brokenness, fears without blame.

(Photo by Andrea Scher)

Circling with women is stepping in rhythm as your hearts share their stories.

Circling with women is vulnerabilities' tears mixing into laughter.

Circling with women weaves a dream catcher of spirit, full of feathers and heart rocks and nature's gifts.

(Photos by Jess Swift)

Circling with women is a gift.

Circling with women becomes your intuition when your place in this world feels unsteady, alone.

Circling with women, your women, the ones who feel your worth at a soul level, circling with these women allows you to feel the gift, that is you.

***

(I'll be sharing some of the beautiful circling I've been doing in 2013 and then releasing an invitation for circling that came from my dreams.)

Love Note to Britta.

When I launched Spirits of Joy last September, on my birthday, in gift form as part of my practice of gratitude, over 600 women signed up in one day. I didn't even have the head space to take in that kind of number. My paid programs can hit about 200 over the course of a month and despite the fact that it was a gift it is still a powerful exchange of energy to sign up for a course, and it felt really big.

Big in a way that I wasn't sure I was ready to hold the bigness.

I had the bones of the course but needed to fill it in and simplify it for the 30 days. Every time I would sit down to write I would go blank, numb out or start crying.

I skyped with my coach Britta.

I cried into my cloth napkin. I was in an upper limit crisis and she held it with me. Softly we talked about my fear of being so seen and witnessed and that now every word felt like it was being judged or held infront of eyes that would surely tell me I was a fake. I cried more.

This is a place we will all get to, most likely not just once. When we move past what we have held as limiting beliefs and into what we at a soullular level have always known to be true.

She had me send her some test letters from the program. And each one I sent she explained why it worked, why it was exactly as it should be, why I didn't need to push any harder.

I manifested my coach into my life.

A couple years ago I connected with a publisher or book agent or something (I can't remember) who lived in the town Britta lives. I remember adding to my visions that I would work on my book, my writing, my message in word form with a woman from this town. I couldn't remember her name or website so she was really indescript.

Britta came into my life through one of my Joy Up programs.

One day shortly after she became a book coach. We have been coaching each other since. This woman from this town who is helping me with my message in word form. I like to say I manifested her. She is also one of my best friends. We match.

My book coach is having a baby. Well, two babies actually.

Her family of four will soon be six and I am wrapping them in love bubbles as I know how this transition will feel a bit like my upper limit and last a hell of a lot longer. You know the thing you've wanted so deeply and then you get even more than you expected? Like that. I imagine twins can feel like that.

I am in a place of transition and discovery and bigness in so many ways right now, in this moment.

My coach sends me notes to let me know I am being seen and has taught me how to share more details so that I can connect to my readers in the way I long for, they long for.

She breaks shit down for me that I could never see. Each time I see an email from her it is like opening a love note (my love language is words of affirmation) and I trust her to guide me closer and closer to my book.

One day we had a drink together in her magical town.

She asked me one question that changed everything in my life and allowed me to move into my truth. (For now I keep that detail my own!) That was us as friends, thank you Universe for friends like that.

This is my love note to Britta.

Britta, the way I write, the way I show up in this world is forever altered and my spirit feels her wings because one day I manifested you, from your town, to help me share my message through words.

Damn, I visioned that one right.

When I launched Spirits of Joy again, this time as a paid program, I was able to look back at the last 5 ish months and see and feel the bigness. I remembered the cloth napkin I cried into. I saw the women in my mind who showed up for themselves and started to learn how magical visioning is.

And I needed to say thank you.

Beautiful Faces. Magical Places.

 

I am eager for the lists that make their way out on sleepy Friday mornings. Today I am a injured ribs from yoga, lots of decaf and praying, loving the sunshine on this magical March day and so excited to get my eyebrows waxed tomorrow kind of woman.

I took a healing and life shifting trip to Oregon which I'll share more about soon. Some of the women on the trip have started to share their words. I can't read these posts without crying. I will be sitting down to share more about this kind of circling with women soon, I just have to let the words find their way through me::

Andrea

Kelly

Jessica ~ Here are the sea elves Kelly mentioned if you need some magic!

***

Something about this art from Mati makes me feel such magic in how we show up in each other's lives for the healing process and how it occurs over the course of our lives, with an assortment of people.

This little guy sits on my bathroom sink in my new space (more about that soon)! Thank you Michelle!

On my list of carve out time for, I adore David and Maggie.

***

I will be teaching at retreats in WA and NC this year. If you are feeling adventure, self-love, time for deep healing/dreaming/resting/integrating/discovering - I would love to wrap my arms around you at one of these beautiful gatherings.

April:: Feast 

October:: Serendipity

***

I am thrilled to be offering this as an online group course again this month. The impact on your life from glue sticks and magazines is rather hard to wrap your brain around. It is about doing the work and allowing yourself to fully feel what you want from this life. Join us...

“Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.”   ~ Rumi

Seeking. The Awakening Woman ~ Sarah Rubin

 

After I shakily hit publish on my Awakening post my inbox lit up. Women writing to share with me how they were stepping into their own awakenings and desperately wanting to free themselves from the voices that have kept them outside of the ease of pleasure inside of their own skin. The women tend to be right around my age and have moved into a knowing with their bodies that was not present before. They are opening, stretching and gliding into a deeper sensuality, sexuality, pleasure and knowing of self - an opening that often comes with great struggle and confusion preceeding - and they are embracing being in community with other women who are wrapping words and experience around these awakenings.

Sarah sent these words to me after reading my own and I knew that I could carve the space for these voices to unite and expand out our definition of sensuality and awakenings. In these guest posts I am seeking out the awakening woman and I will share her voice with you.

Please welcome my sweet friend Sarah as she walks us through a piece of her journey into her awakening.

***

What My Body Tells Me

Body-mind-heart-spirit connection. All that I've ever experienced in this life - and maybe even before - lodged, held, and expressed in my cells, tissues, bones.

Hot flashes. Night sweats. Years of yo-yo-ing hormone levels. Periods just about gone for good. I’ve gone from denial to despair to annoyance and back again, searching for the perfect cure for these symptoms every time they flare. But lately, I’ve decided to go deeper, to ask my body - what is this all about? What are the lessons for me here??

And I've paid attention. The days - few and far between now - when my period does show up seem to be momentous ones. The final day of our anniversary trip to Central America, a time-out-of-time celebration of our marriage. The day the lights came back on post-Sandy. Both times, coming on the heels of intense stress, these were days of great relief/release/restoration of how I truly wish to feel.

The hot flashes. I've always wondered why they come when they come. One night recently, I wrote down any conscious thoughts I was having as the heat began to rise. The pattern was clear - 7 out of 7 times, the root of the thought was that I was somehow not measuring up to other people's expectations. It was a shame-flash that turned into an extended, sweaty hot flash. Whoa.

There are so many deep lessons in all of this. So many echoes of my life showing up in my body. How deeply I've internalized the need to please, the need to have someone else validate my worthiness. How much I’ve held inside this body.

Every time my protective self springs into action...because that’s what she needed to do from so very early on...I recoil, retreat, put up the walls. I throw a thick blanket over my desires, my vibrancy, my sexuality. Only in very specific circumstances does that blanket get lifted.

The parallels exist. I feel them. For the past 5 years I’ve been in a process of unravelling, of uncovering, of touching into deeper spaces. At the same time, I’ve needed to retreat and protect. In order to be vulnerable. In order to heal. Everything happens for a reason, and this is the way my healing needed to happen.

So is it a coincidence that the past 5 years of my life have been shadowed by peri-menopause? Deep pockets of shame reflected in flashes of heat? That thick blanket of protection reflected in ovaries who have declared themselves dying or dead? The full extent of my sexuality walled off and kept at bay, reflected in a body gone dry? It hurts me to recognize the shades of truth in all of this.

Now. Knowing all of this, I’m not ready to hold a funeral. Not yet. I do not accept that the way things have been is the way they will continue to be. I know that my body, my spirit, my heart are more resilient than that. My true life, the one I was born to lead, starts now. In every moment, in every choice I make, from this day forward. Until death or the next awakening.

What’s next? I don’t know. I didn’t even know this post was coming until it came. I live right here: releasing expectations - my own, those of others. Releasing old patterns, protections that are no longer needed. Releasing all I’ve ever identified myself to be:

the one who has no sex drive
the one who is old beyond her years
the one who holds it all together
the one who needs to be perfect
the one who’s in control
the one who’s scared, frightened, and 4 years old
the one who doesn’t deserve to feel desire

Release, release, release.

*******************************

I’m Sarah J. Rubin. Wife, mom, yoga teacher, reiki master and accidental entrepreneur. Co-creator of Warrior Rising, a yoga and strength training studio for women. I support and hold space for women who are awakening to the truth of their bodies, while exploring deeper and deeper layers of my own “body of knowledge”. For me, the practice of writing and the practice of yoga are lovingly intertwined. Yoga invites me to go in and in, beyond words, into feelings and sensations. Flip the coin over, and my writing practice invites me to flow with those feelings, into story and meaning and truth. For the benefit of all beings (and especially those I live with), the work of my life can be summed up by this quote from Gabrielle Roth: “If you want to give birth to your true self, you are going to have to dig deep down into that body of yours and let your soul howl.”

sarahjrubin.com
warriorrising.com
facebook.com/sarahjrubin

What you think about...

Isn't it crazy to read someone's blog or watch them on Insta or be part of their online world and feel that we know them? But we do. I do it.

I adore some of these online presences and they become a part of my daily decompressing time. I go in and out of different blogs or websites that inspire me or of those who I secretly make my mentors. I love seeing how my friends are doing when I read their words and learn about their offerings.

A friend said to me the other day that she assumed I was the most patient mother who never yelled at her kids. Apparently I haven't quite communicated how impatient and overstimulated I am by my kids, or I have, and she/you don't want to believe that.

I had to stop following a blog I loved with all my heart because, while I knew better, I couldn't entangle the beautiful scenes she showed each day from my belief that she was the world's best everything and I fell short. I know this isn't true. I know she has bad days but...oiy. You know?

I have made it my practice to try to tell as much truth as feels good and serves myself, my family and my readers.

Sometimes it gets murky. Like right now Patrick, my husband, and I are going through a really deep, healing, we-don't-know-what-this-all-will-look-like time. And I want to share the bits that will allow me to guide you and share my soul in a way that is healing and teaching and loving. Sometimes that is just a picture of sadness on Instagram after learning some tough stuff about myself. Or it is the stories I tell you in my programs.

I am asked all the time how I know how much to share, what bits and pieces I put out there. The only answer I have is my intuition. I feel really graceful growing infront of you all publicly. It doesn't scare me, it humbles me. I feel humbled that you take time to read the words that flow. I feel humbled that you trust the process that I've gone through enough to want me to teach it to you after.

As a young child I have felt this guide inside of me. I knew that my work on this earth was to create some sort of magic.

While I'm creating this magic, which is me watching you step into your light, don't think for one moment that I don't yell or punch doors or cry into my pillow. Don't believe that if I take one picture in the morning of sunlight on a still coffee mug that I'm not sitting there listening to my boys fighting or scared to open my emails and feel overwhelmed with all that is before me.

Part of this work of mine is to show the beauty inside of the chaos so that you too will look for yours.

Part of this work of mine is to take the fucking hard ass lesson I just had to live and turn it into something gorgeous that I can share with you.

Part of this work of mine is to take these huge leaps of faith and put myself out there in hopes that you see it and feel it and desire it.

Part of this work of mine is to surrender to the truth that my fight shows me, leaning into this light that I was born with.

Part of this work of mine is to be the magic so that you will feel yours, learn yours, know yours.

What I am in the process of right now is learning to trust myself. After years of starving myself thin and now eating potato chips and drinking Prosecco if I want to, I dip in and out of that trust. I am taking huge leaps of faith in my business and praying that I am not screwing up. I am learning how to be inside of relationships without feeling that I have to fix them or accepting only crumbs when I could have a 17 layer cake. (Although learning to accept the 17 layer cake is actually the hard part.)

Trusting myself is scary because I've lived for a long time on the edge of trust. Being in that trust means breaking addictions that I thrive on. It means I am in my light, aligned with the spirit of joy really. You can't teach joy for almost 2 years and not crave expanding the meaning for yourself.

I trust myself. I trust what I share with you. I trust how I show up. I trust jumping into the unknown and that my wings will spread. I trust eating potato chips instead of kale when I want to. I trust that my family is so OK, despite all the moments I wish I could take back.

I trust myself.

I trust you to be here and feel safe. I trust that you might make up stories about my life but that you will truly know that we are all journeying together.

I will learn.

I will guide.

I will show up.

I will share my truths.

And I want to know what you think about...

Come vision with me.

Are you ready to play? (click here for yes)

When I have a question for myself I go into my stack of magazines and start opening to receive the messages. Visioning is a life changing practice of play, creativity and connection.

Are you ready to own your own gluestick?

When my hands are smeared with watercolors and glue and there are magazine trimmings tumbling around me I feel joy. The essence of joy, stepping into the doing, living creatively to open up.

Wanna' make some magic?

This practice is one of receiving, trust, beauty and a dash of magic. Close your eyes and imagine those in images:: receiving, trust, beauty and magic.

We are going to create that. Come play.

Details for the course are here...

I want.

“I want to sing like the birds sing, not worrying about who hears or what they think.”

~ Rumi

I want to be settled being with myself, not worrying about loneliness.

I want to fall onto a bed full of the softest pillows and giggle with pleasure, not worrying that my teeth show when I smile big.

I want to look you in the eyes without pulling my gaze away, not worrying about my reactions or face, just being there as listener.

I want to dance when you play the music of your heart, not worrying if I look silly.

I want to open in embrace, not worrying about being wrong.

I want to surrender to my fear of having, not worrying about who judges or sees.

I want to fly off the cliff into the gentle water, not worrying that I am up too high.

I want to dance and open like the soul dances and opens, not worrying about what was or what will be.

I want to be here now, with you, all of you, not worrying about what could be, simply being.

I want for you the openess of surrender and the dance of joyful presence, not worrying about feeling wrong each day when you open your eyes.

There is no wrong. But there is wanting. And you sweet one, you may want and want and want...

***

This is my love note, from me to you. Each Thursday I send out a love note to my community who has signed up - right there in that little box in the upper right hand corner of my website - to receive them from me. When I write this note it is also from me to me. Right where I am. How I am taking up space and energy and shinging or hiding or bearing down or releasing. It is present, it is real.

I want to invite you into the poetry of my truth and allow the words to find you right where you are.

dance and open.

dance and open.

Seeking. The Awakening Woman Series.

"When you separate from your body, you also separate from the emotional, intuitive life of the body.

Your inner knowing. Your Yin.

Which is the voice of your freaking soul.

What women are seeking when they go to places like Mama Gena’s or The S Factor isn’t to learn how to please a man – any newsstand is loaded with magazines that promise to teach you how to do that — but to please themselves. They seek an ease and comfort inside their own skin, a release of authentic sensuality — their ‘erotic creature’ — in a way that they can integrate with the rest of their lives.

They are seeking wholeness." ~ Justine Musk, storytelling, soul + the power of the erotic

As I am gathering my heart power to launch this series, Justine is sharing the words that made me sure we had just walked on the beach together for hours talking about this seeking. I want us to bravely flow into the awakening that finds us and demands that we peel our layers.

***

The Nu Project (link will open to gorgeous female nudity)

I have been practicing self portraits now for almost a year. I remember the first time I took a picture of my belly, I was freaking out. And then I found such softness in letting myself really look at me, at the one place I have kept covered up and felt ashamed of for so long.

I have had a dream of creating a book much like this. I love that women are awakening inside of the truth of their beauty.

My belly is one of my favorite parts of myself now. This was an investment of my time and energy allowing the camera to show me, me. I love exploring self portraits of all parts of myself. I feel closer to the divine that is born inside, the one in all of us.

Deeply emotional beings, the feminine.

***

The Awakening Woman

After this post, my inbox filled with stories from women about their own awakenings. Stories about living inside of the layers of shame, the pain inside of their own bodies. I was hearing the moments they felt themselves start to free from their old stories of fear. The moments when they started to feel alive in their sexual/sensual power.

I felt hungry for more of these stories, to break through and touch the vulnerable.

***

Seeking. The Awakening Woman Series.

Featuring women I adore who are seeking their awakening, unwrapping their sensual selves. Stories of vulnerability, raw femine power and a coming out of sensual energy.

And it will be scary.

And it will be heart-lovingly real.

And so it will be.

Coming soon...

An #operationselfcarelikewhoa Live Event

A few months ago everything changed. The life I was inside of was no longer sustainable. I was burning out on my work, my family, myself. I was claiming no true space in this world to just be me. I am a rock star at being for others, or so I thought.

What I learned from hitting a level of awareness of myself that I never saw coming, was that I wasn't a rock star. I was a woman hanging on for dear life off the edge of a cliff. I wanted to be flying off that cliff, not dangling. And only one thing was missing to go from hanging on to flying... me.

I adopted a personal exploration called #operationselfcarelikewhoa and my entire life in just a few short months changed. Conversations full of truth and depth with myself and my family opened up a new level of being for me.

As I had set up this life around me that I should love and feel joyful in something achingly real was not present. I was taking up no space in this world as just Hannah. Just me.

Only a few months later since living inside of #operationselfcarelikewhoa as though my life depended on it, I found out it really did.

We are not here to simply live on this earth. We are here to experience, feel, evolve, desire, devour, share, dance and open.

I want to live sensually. The choices I make must revolve around feeling good and bringing good.

When we step into the deepest level of care for ourselves, meaning we CLAIM it, the dreams we never believed could come true start falling as though stars from the sky. Magic. Fierce, fierce magic.

Please join me and 9 other women as we Connect Up with ourselves. A day all about you. A day about experiencing each moment, from the candle light to the spa to the quiet moments to the joyful sounds of laughter. Because we are so going to laugh. And maybe cry!!!

Connect Up Live Event::

• We will meet nice and early in a gorgeous loft in Pawtucket, RI where lights will twinkle and tea will be hot. We will introduce ourselves and set an intention for our time together.
• After, we will carpool to a place that feels like bliss. Called Urban Sweat, with its multiple saunas and steam rooms, we will spend up to 4 hours simply being in complete surrender to relaxation, detoxification and sweat!
• At Urban Sweat there will be fresh juices and snacks as needed to nourish you through your time. There may be some poetry and writing, some chatting, alone time, we will flow...
• After we sweat and shower we'll head back to the loft for dinner. We will prepare our meal together, play music, vision, do some gentle yoga/relaxation while things simmer away and pop some Prosecco and sparkling cider.
• For those who wish to make this connection time an overnight stay, please email me and we can talk about the loft sleep-over or hotels in the area.
• Once you register more details will float in with transportation and overnight stay options. Please don't hesitate to ask for more specific details by emailing me at hello@hannahmarcotti.com

And March 8th just happens to be International Women's Day!!! I didn't plan that one!

I want you to know you.

I want you to spend time with you.

I want you to know how deeply worth it you are for taking this time.

I want you to know that arrangements can be made for the kids and you can step away.

I want you to know that your magic can't shine through fully if you aren't nurtured.

I want you to know how delicious your essence is.

I want you to know you.

I want you to desire this relationship as though it is your breath.

Sold out!!!

Beautiful Faces. Magical Places.

I am eager for the lists that make their way out on sleepy Friday mornings. Today I am a snow you can suck it kind of woman.

Love this woman. Love even more that she wrote this post and unknowingly to me I found the book a few weeks later. Bam.

One of my stunning clients who breathes life into herself through her words.

My gorgeous VA sent this to me, and yes. Just yes.

So honored.

More honor. Seriously, this still takes me by surprise that people ask me to answer their questions. Blessed.

Grab tissues. Just sayin'.

I adore her work, her style, her all.

Just a few spaces left...

My newest obsession...love language like whoa.

Only slightly jealous. I am adoring this woman and the work whe is bringing to the world.

More tissues, and I am in love with light. Shine baby, shine.

I remember the first time I said fuck on my blog, I was so scared, but that was being truly me. Now, no fears.

Michelle wore these in NYC for her gorgeous event, and look at this!!!

Thank you sweet one, so blessed to have your friendship!

Love, love, love the poetry.

So, yes, these are the scarves I've been wearing, love them.

Remembering the good witch.

"I remember thinking this was the most feeling person I had ever found and I thought it was just all too much."

This was from one of the women in my tribe who has made such gentle, soft changes to her life over the last year. I was cracking up as she told me her reaction to my blog when she first started reading. She went on, "I thought it was too much but I couldn't stop reading it. I was hooked, I read every word."

What she didn't know then was that she was a highly sensitive person. While she had spent years being told to numb out her feelings here I was rolling them out for the world and inviting her along. Giving her permission to feel, feel, feel.

Often my clients say I have a magic wand. The wand is magic simply because we all are born with magic.

I found myself recently spiraling inside of created feeling rather than truth feeling.This is the place were you push the edge of sabotage. I wanted someone to get angry at me. I was searching for a push away so that I didn't have to feel that one tricky emotion that I have become so adept at stuffing down.

Sadness.

But more than that this time, a new sadness, one inside of dreams coming true. Sadness that must flow through as the magic twirls around.

Oh yes, the peeling. The layers. 

The feeling we have been dreaming into reality one day is there, shows up. And we want to run.

I wanted to run, to do something to prove I didn't deserve it. To go back to the old ways that I know so well.

I walk into yoga, the theme of the night is surrender. I spend time with a friend and find myself hearing the word surrender fall from my lips. I come face to face with how I want to feel but the layers of sadness must be shed first, surrender. I am slipping into a healthy amount of space so I can radiate my light, surrender.

The fish shows up. Spirit guide that won't let me turn away.

Evolution of spirit. Awakening of one of the senses. Visions.

Swim, slide, glide, vision, ease, grace.

Remember the good witch? She tells Dorothy she had the power all along but how would Dorothy ever have known had she not walked with her spirit guides, experienced the fear and joy, shed her tears and slipped into surrender.

There is magic in feeling, accessing that huge exhale of surrender.

Magic wands of feeling, visions that arrive at 4am, peeling our old hurts. Hearts desiring anything we can dream into reality.

I will link arms with the fish, the witch, the surrender and skip on those yellow bricks.

Like a dance of magic I will ask you to follow, follow, follow...into your own truth feelings.

We aren't ever off the path, this journey goes on and on. Spirit guides will change as we call them forth, lessons will be relearned over and over.

And dreams, they will show up, you won't know what they will like look but you will have already known the feeling of them.

Slip like the fish inside of these beautiful dreams and surrender to the moment when you will say, "I created this. This magic has always been inside of me."

So now I say, "I created this. This magic has always been inside of me." 

And it feels so fucking good, even in the tears.

***

Please join myself and the 80 gorgeous women who are ready to surrender...

Starting moments.

I am the kind of morning person who lounges in bed with a cup of hot coffee. I prefer touch in the mornings than at night. I need a slow start, a gentle awakening.

If I can find some stillness my head can integrate the dreams, the 3am mind wanderings, the longings for the day.

I wake up with feeling intentions. I wake up knowing how I want to feel each day. I pray for the guidance to somehow be in that. I will my boys to not fight for 10 minutes after my eyes open.

Always having said that I'm not a morning person was not true. We are all morning people. Waking up is gorgeous if we can do it the way our body craves.

A long time ago the clock was removed from the bedroom, that was a huge moment for me. I used to watch it all night. Now I never know what time it is but wake at almost the same time every day.

Rhythm. Morning ritual.

Starting Moments.

When I was feeling really ubruptly-wrong in the mornings I began taking a photo each morning that I called Starting. I don't have all the control over my waking. I have three kids and we live in a tiny house.

Often I found myself resentful of how I had to start my days, full of fighting kids and exhaustion after being woken up multiple times a night.

I needed to ground myself in gratitude. What other way right? We always circle back to being in the now with gratitude when we want to change.

So that morning picture is my anchor inside of what can be chaos.

It allows me to just show the truth of my mess or to take time to create a lovely scene that I carry with me for the rest of the day. It is all about the feeling.

I invite anyone on Instagram to join me with the Starting photo by tagging your own starting moment #startingmoments and to check out the pictures that are starting to collect over there. It isn't just me anymore with my bumpy mug!!

***

There are a few spaces left for the FEAST Be Present Retreat hosted by my gorgeous friend Liz. I can promise some pretty freaking amazing #startingmoments pictures from WA. The group gathering has already captured my heart. I cannot wait. This is self care for the soul.

Surrender starts February 11th and we are almost at 70 women. It is going to send a vibration out to every part of ourselves when we dip into the sweetness of surrender. As we stand in the intersection between acceptance and change. Join us...

Beautiful Faces. Magical Places.

I am eager for the lists that make their way out on sleepy Friday mornings. Today I am a craving sensual experiences especially inside of my intuition, loving every sip of my coffee, noticing the light shining in, dreaming of paint colors and shelves, thrilled to put on my favorite shirt that I finally washed, kind of woman.

"I have a stake in the human story."

I am deeply in love with the women surrounding my work and my life. Grateful she is one of them.

She has the greatest hair and made me pee my pants reading this one!

Swirl with me baby.

I tell you now, someday I am going to wrap my arms around this woman and try to morph her energy into mine!

Think I may have just used the word juicy the other day but I swear it was for sensual reasons...

Thinking about each of these, working on my own list from 2012.

Savor. Please, please. [posted by Andrea on FB]

This honesty brings such light.

A must listen. I have the book on its way.

[Anne posted on FB]  This darling, this.

So totally going to make this pad thai and these chocolate delights.

I love this life. #operationselfcarelikewhoa

#operationselfcarelikewhoa came from knowing that I needed to heal this deep core lonliness I felt inside. It came from living so many years trying to fill myself with food, with stuff, with babies, with people, with wine, with work.

It came from knowing that for the first time in years I could fly and feel free. Asking for freedom was the hardest thing I've ever done. To ask myself for deep permission to be inside of free no matter what anyone else said or thought.

I got on a plane. That was the beginning of the journey. A plane to a place where I knew I would be wrapped inside of love and cared for but not given permission to remain stuck. (Yep, my friends are spirtual guides and healers!) A place where I would teach at a studio that years ago I had tucked into my visions.

One of the paralyzing parts of my anxiety over the years was that I was scared to do new things. Terrified. Once I started to crack and step inside the truth of my life I noticed the anxiety start to lesson. I was having a panic attack almost daily and suddenly they started to lift. It was sudden and intense. I was hesitant to trust it. I kept breathing and waiting for my heart to go into spasm.

Stillness.

No panic on the plane. I arrived in CA and sat to break bread (corn tortillas) with 9 of my colleagues and friends, some of whom I had never once pulled close and hugged. It was delicious. The women, the words, the food, the nourishment. It was not needy or forced. It was the soulfilling sauce that I crave each day.

And the tomato soup. Seriously, I closed my eyes with some of the bites and made noises of pleasure because it was like heaven, like whoa.

My spirit guides for the trip were magic, Tiffany and Rachel. There was visioning, sparkle lights, red lipstick, Prosecco, oysters, giggles, deep long talks into the night, cozy morning coffees, co-working bliss, beach walks with sand dollars and sunsets, secrets whispered and cried, aha moments, gorgeous food and California bliss.

#operationselfcarelikewhoa was in full swing and my belly felt joyful. I found I could eat almost anything and my belly didn't hurt. I was feasting on pure love for allowing myself to fill up without guilt. Without guilt. Without worry. Without regret.

I have been saying for years that people think I teach self care and that never rang true for me. And maybe in some ways I was, but my work has been formed around finding your truth. That deep truth of how you want to feel, how you want to move through the world. To know joy.

To thrive in heart-centered biz bliss. And this was is my journey. It doesn't happen in 5 days, it is a long, thoughtful process that weaves itself through your life.

The clear next step in my work as in my life is to practice the self care of freedom. Of knowing the peace. The peace.

The next step in the operation for myself was to find space. I want to find space gently. In a way that I can discover I am OK alone, with myself. I made a hotel reservation and packed a bag full of visioning supplies for the night in my own city. The kids went on an amazing adventure with their daddy (his work right now is about connecting, mine space) and filled up in their own way.

To look down on my city and see it with eyes that were all about self care was a beautiful moment. I celebrated dinner with myself and had the most delicious drink with gin and Prosecco and a stuffed salmon that I can't stop thinking about. Lick your lips, oh my god, grab-the-waitress-and-tell-her-whoa kind of salmon.

I did have text support from time to time with sweet friends checking in on me and making sure I was filling up on the joy of being with me. I won't lie, that helped!

The part that felt so real to me was learning that I could make space anywhere I was in the world. I can decide who to spend my energy with, who to share my words with, who to make space with.

I spent time with sadness. The last few months have been intense and led to so many unearthed desires. I spent time feeling it. I watched Castle reruns. Then I pulled out my vision book supplies and spent time with the prompt how do you want to feel inside of your 5 beautiful dreams.

Light, lush, WHOLE, earthy bliss, space and style, fresh stories. Each of those words finding me and becoming a feeling story.

FREE.

I stepped from the sadness into these feelings that are my gentle force. The 5 beautiful dream's cushions.

I wrote. I started my book. Oh honey, my book. I already see it. The colors, the textures, the words, the soulwork, the prompts. I see it, feel it and then release it. I will let the Universe play with tet feelings. It may be a bit lush and of earthy bliss! My job now is to fill in the words.

About two hours before it was time to go I released. I felt the exhale of the moment. I didn't want to pack up and go. Room service ordered I knew I would be stepping onto the rug and walking out the door. I wanted space to be my company, my partner. My joy.

The process is about learning to feel free and whole and carrying that inside wherever my feet guide me. The process for you is about learning to feel free and whole and carrying that inside wherever your feet guide you.

Beautiful work, yes?

I so love this life.

I love these breaths, this passion, these tattoos, my loves, the way my gorgeous goldfish swim at me each morning when I go to open the curtains. I can hear their noiseless cries for attention in the form of food. I love this life.

Even when it sucks and is raw and the tears and indecisions roll around.

I love this life.

***

#operationselfcarelikewhoa will soon be hosting an event in Providence so stay close. It is a movement so that the women who have been in the gorgeous positions of nurturing learn how to nurture themselves.

Why I am lonely. #operationselfcarelikewhoa

The prayer. I prayed that I would stop being so lonely and that for just 5 minutes I could close my eyes and everything I had built in my business would still be there.

Lonely. Married with three kids. Friends by the dozens. Family all around. Hundreds of women inside of the most amazing tribes formed in my work. Teaching programs about joy.

Lonely. I sent the prayer up and since then its cascading message has been my beautiful work of learning to receive its truth.

Lonely. I find a journal from 1994. "Why is it that I am so lonely and scared inside of a relationship and without one?" I was 19. "I feel like I'm losing myself." She left me a note from the past and I thank her deeply.

Lonely. To my core. Not because I'm not living a beautiful life, because I never learned how to be OK as me. To be whole and true and loved by me without the safety of another.

Lonely. Recently our marriage was rocked, deeply. Again. We both realized that we have so much healing to do as our own selves, outside of the 'us.' We don't know what this means or what it will look like in 5 months or a year. But we are going through it with love and compassion and a whole lot of time to discover.

Lonely. Teaching myself, guiding myself to be with myself. Just me feeling whole and complete and inside this gorgeous life. Sometimes I feel like I am 19 again. Like I can feel her, see her, touch her. We aren't that far away.

Lonely. And I am so OK with being here. I see this as all my life leading up to this moment of now. Of now. Of knowing that I can be in this place and not suffer. I can be here and in sadness or joy I can know me.

Lonely. I am seeking space to know her. That 19 year old and the 38 year old who is ready to look her in the eye and promise her that now we are strong enough. Now we have the spirit guides. We have the truth of now.

Lonely. I am joyful to be here. I am grateful inside of grateful to have said that prayer. To be here.

Lonely. To know that everything I teach is my guide. To know that you may be lonely too and I am breaking the silence for us.

Lonely. I am so excited to journey into this soulwork of becoming safe inside and no longer searching for that safety outside of myself. I pray that this is a gift I give to my children. But mostly to myself. A gift precious of wants and desires, a feeling of being juicy and alive with wholeness. Of knowing connectedness in its purest state.

Lonely. Yes. Yes. And joyful.

And I have closed my eyes and the words are still there. I have closed my eyes and nothing faded away. I have closed my eyes and shown you my tears and you all whispered, I see you, thank you for seeing me.

Everything changes inside of #operationselfcarelikewhoa. (pictures on Instagram @hannahmarcotti)

Thank you God. Thank you Universe. Thank you lonely.

Knowing where you are and stating it allows you to change everything. Without that truth, and yes it can take 19 years to find, the next words to the story won't match up.

Perhaps we all must go through a time of losing ourselves so that we step on this path and journey to our heart's calling. I am devouring the journey. Lonely is a gift of leading us to discover peace inside.

Finding feathers along my path has allowed me flight and in this flight I can see the beauty surrounding me.

And so it is. Inside of this awakening.

(More on #operationselfcarelikewhoa to come!!)

Today...

Let's shed one fear, like a bird loses a feather in flight, by stating it, naming it and letting it flow off of us as though we are birds in flight, knowing that once it drops it will become a magical gift of release...

Beautiful Faces. Magical Places.

I am eager for the lists that make their way out on sleepy Friday mornings. Today I am a full of self care, full of decaf, full of excitement for all that is, full of joy because this life is so beautiful kind of mama. (What we focus on expands.)

These days I rarely read many blogs, I tend to reserve my time for my clients and close friends who are saying the words my heart needs to hear. But on this day, I saw the title of the post and had to read it. So glad I did.

This is crazy making. Crazy making. Crazy making.

I'm a tad bit in love with this one right now.

Thinking so much about how much I really need. I'm giving The Making Space Cleanse a make-over soon and I'm going to be focusing on this idea of enoughness.

So yeah, I might kinda get this Molly!!!!!!

It is work loves. Hard, hard work. I promise you this. Stay in the joy no matter where you are.

Fish keep showing up in my life, perhaps a spirit guide whisper? (Beautiful and gorgeous too!) And we have a little giveaway on the blog, don't forget to enter!

I am soooo excited for this, I'll be there, will you beloved?

It's about inclusion. Doesn't that kind of make your eyes water? Feast. Feast. Feast.

Can't stop listening to this one.

So honored to be in this lovely space with this sweet one.

I'm working on 50% this and 50% deep connections. That is my year.

And you? Where have you found beauty and magic?