Story Whispers ~ Dave Ursillo (and a giveaway)

I find myself eager for settling in with a cup of tea or glass of wine with those whom I admire and hearing their story whispers. I crave these stories and voices.

The magic inside of the words, the treat of the truth and that moment of ‘yes, me too’ are why we must keep sharing our stories. I am making an effort to hear stories in person and through connection as well as tell my stories in whatever ways the words wish to flow out.

Go listen to the story whispers all around you and make sure to tell some of your own.

 

Today I welcome Dave Ursillo and his gorgeous ability to weave words that make you feel, move, create and desire. Dave sent me a tweet a little over a year ago saying he too lived in RI and I was pumped to find a kindred writer in my state. Then he told me he was moving to NY. Dude! But when Dave is in RI we get the chance to co-work together in my secret coffee shop location and end up talking about writing, freedom and marketing for hours. While we work of course!

Words deliver magic. Dave and I meet at that place where every word is part of the passion for living. And inside of that passion for living there are no rules; you use your breath, your heart, your hands.

Giveaway Time!!!

Dave recently launched The Literati Writer's Group a place of juicy goodness for writers at any stage. I have had some inside glances into what he has created and I am overjoyed to share it with you. I believe in it so deeply that I want to offer a 3 month gift to one of my readers. Just leave a comment at the bottom and share with me a favorite quote from a book or poem. I'll draw a random winner next Thursday!

Please welcome Dave...

Take us through your gorgeous life in terms of your senses: touch, taste, smell, sight, sound and any others that you possess.

It's the taste of like rich, slow-brewed coffee cascading off of the first glimmers of morning. The first breaths after of a day, metabolizing possibility into reality. It's the smell of a deep salt breeze whisking through your lungs from over the bay; it sounds like car horns and city bustle of the East Village; it's the feel of four-hundred eyes fixated upon you on stage; it's the passing looks of the faces of one million strangers bobbing like a river as you walk down the street. 

Life itself is a thing of artistry, and every facet of the journey should be treated as such. That's how I work, how I create, and how I live.

 

In many ways, I want my work, my writing, to both mimic artistry and inspire it: to be art in itself, and evoke artistry in whoever might come across it. For each sentence to be inhaled like a blessing of the clean, warm breeze over the bay. For every revelation to ring out like a car horn's blast, awakening all the senses to reality; a sudden awareness of what's always been hiding in plain sight. And then there are the faces. Both in writing and in life, I hope to look into one million of them, and inspire one million smiles.

The moment you knew you had found your thing, the one that would propel you forward because you can’t not do it.

The moment feels eternally present: stitches in time, one-hundred little memories rolling in a slow boil to the surface before, finally, in October of 2008, when the lid blew off. I stand on my apartment balcony, it's 1:00 AM in Washington D.C. The morning hour is cold and dry. A fountain churns across the street and cars buzz down Connecticut Avenue. Dimly lit clouds of red hover between the glistening stars. It's a rare night when sleep will not come, and a tenseness, a frustration, an anxiety in my gut forces me out of bed and to my journal to write -- long before I considered myself anything of a writer, at all. And within moments, from difficult questions asked, a flurry of answers are spilled onto paper. I'm left with a revelation. Less what to do, or how to do it, but why to do anything at all: because what we choose is what we are capable of. And to choose ourselves is truly Divine.

How do you want to feel when you are inside of your creative life?

Free. Unencumbered and light, but grounded and rock-solid. Unshakable  Unapologetic. Like no one owns, restricts, forbids or denies any part of me and what I believe and what I choose to say, do, dare or dream. From that freedom, from that space, comes great responsibility. I want the responsibility of that freedom. I want others to have it, too. We have to trust one another to be self-determinant.

Magical moments: what are they to you and how do you open to receiving them?

My magical moments usually dawn just beyond a long pause of deep anxiety: tenseness, reluctance, outright fear. It's my passion, it's my brazen, it's my tenacity that carries me through the fear and unknown to reach the other side. The fear is how I know it's worth it. And on the other side of the uncertainty, there is joy. Total, shoulder-melting gratitude. It's how it feels when the message writes itself. When I spend hours on end with a friend, new or old or a total stranger, experiencing life and stories and conversation -- true moments, true presence. It's when I stand to teach new faces, or riff on an idea that matters to the listener. It's any advice I can muster, it's saying I care, it's showing up and proving it, and proving it, and proving it, and proving it.

Ritual that you start your day with.

I'm not a very ritual person, outside of my morning coffee. And yet I try to ease into every day from the early morning to find the day's flow. To find the flow of the day usually requires a bit of exploring, bending and tweaking: it depends on factors both outside and inside of myself, like the weather, the energy of the place or people around me, how I'm feeling myself, what priorities are about me and what my wants are in that moment. It's like tuning a guitar. Find the flow. Find the tune. Play.

Favorite part of you, physical or otherwise, tell us why you love it?

My heart. Unflinchingly strong. A powerhouse for good. It is a best friend, confidant and teacher -- one that has never asked for anything in return. My heart is the strongest thing about me. And I love that, by its nature, the heart is physically untouchable -- but can be felt by all.

Favorite quote:

This is a new favorite I came across while re-reading Walden by Henry David Thoreau, namely for its eerily similar sentiment of something I had been writing months prior: "A written word is the choicest of relics. It is something at once more intimate with us and more universal than any other work of art. It is the work of art nearest to life itself. It may be translated into every language, and not only be read but actually breathed from human lips; not be represented on canvas or in marble only, but be carved out of the breath of life itself."

A mantra or affirmation that guides you:

Lead Without Followers. Live from Within.

Your guiding word/s for the year:

Endeavor. {And, within that shell, to explore boldly; to experience deeply; to adventure widely. With total gratitude.}

 

Wanna win 3 months in The Literati Writer's Group? I know right??

Leave a comment down below, share a favorite quote from a book or poem with us. Us writer's love to collect quotes!

 

***

Dave Ursillo Jr. is an author and entrepreneur who inspires change-makers for a living. A multi-published writer, passionate leader and life-explorer, Ursillo is the founder and CEO of The Literati Writers, a premium-membership writing community that helps writers create personal freedom, inspire change and craft lasting legacies of love through their art. He can be read at DaveUrsillo.com.

Some small time ago.

I couldn't walk the dog. Or walk to pick up the kids from school. Or lean down and pick up Lucas when he needed me.

Just going to the beach was a little scary, what if I hurt or couldn't move with the kids.

I gained about 15 pounds.

Atleast 2 weeks out of every month were spent in enormous amounts of pain.

My body was lonely.

I was scared. Having panic attacks sometimes twice a day.

I couldn't have lemon or caffeine or most nightshades.

I knew something deep inside of me was fighting. I was so tired of the struggle.

Making Space for Surrender is the program that came to life because I was easing into my own Surrender. One that over time would turn into a manifestation of healing. Of change. Of choice. 

Yesterday I drank a green tea. I was fine. Joyful.

I can pick up my four year old sleeping, carry him up the stairs and into the house in my heels.

Walking to school and playing in the park, yes. Check.

Long, gorgeous beach walks are planned from now until forever.

The weight is slowly melting off as I experience the sexy exorcism of Forrest yoga each week and try to dance and move.

I drink lots of water now, no fear that it will hurt.

A glass of wine no longer sends me to bed for two days.

The surrender didn't take the pain away. The surrender allowed me to close my eyes and feel the acceptance and love for my body regardless of the pain. Or because of the pain. Or both. To just be. Be there.

And then I could change. I could find my beautiful path to healing.

Now I am surrendering to a new fight. That is how we evolve. Like waves crashing through the fog onto the rock cliffs. And that moment of stillness when you are flooded with calm and light and every spirit guide you'll need to walk with you on your journey.

I will add my guidance.

Today is the final day for the Early Bird sign up rate.

The Surrender, scary-gorgeous.

I'm not ready.

Hannah Dance from Hannah Marcotti on Vimeo.

I'm not ready to stop.

I know.

I'm not ready to forigive my choices.

I know.

I'm not ready to allow ease, I need to fight.

I know.

I'm not ready to take off my socks and walk in the wet grass.

I know.

I'm not ready to cry. To be seen. To be held.

I know.

I'm not ready to find my flow which I know will bring change in such rapid motions that for moments I won't be able to breathe.

I know.

I'm not ready to ditch crisis, I like it here.

I know.

I'm not ready for this.

I know.

I'm not ready to surrender.

I know. And I love this for you. Surrender happens when we aren't ready. Change comes when we most fear it. Love surrounds us when we declare we can't so that we may be supported in the doing.

I know you aren't. That is why I am so happy you are here.

I'm going to fly with you. I've been leaving feathers for you to find for so long now.

Today, tomorrow and the next day all I want you to do is know that you will find one on your path. I will be there, gently whispering you forward toward your light, feather in hand.

I know. I truly know. And so do you.

Let's make space for Surrender together.

We start February 11th for prep week.

Story Whispers ~ Sas Petherick

I find myself eager for settling in with a cup of tea or glass of wine with those who I admire and hearing their story whispers. I crave these stories and voices.

The magic inside of the words, the treat of the truth and that moment of ‘yes, me too’ are why we must keep sharing our stories. I am making an effort to hear stories in person and through connection as well as tell my stories in whatever ways the words wish to flow out.

Today I welcome Sas Petherick in all of her fierce softness. I first saw Sas' face in an Instagram picture through a comment she left on someone's picture. I fell hard, the glowing red hair and that smile. So I did what any true stalker does and I followed her and said hello; she is now totally in my heart. 

Sas and I believe in that moment of time in your life when you are no longer willing to accept what is and you know that you, only you, are in control of this beautiful life. I am so deeply honored to invite her to share her story whispers with you.

Sas recently let soar into the world a treasury of wisdom called The Body Stories. It is an ebook, it is free, it is divine. Please make sure to get your copy and be forever touched and changed from the words and images that are inside.

Take us through your gorgeous life in terms of your senses: touch, taste, smell, sight, sound and any others that you possess.

I am woken each morning by BBC Radio 4 filled with world happenings. This is closely followed by purring nudges against my hand, from either Rex or Badger, requiring ear scratches.

I love the feeling of hot water teaming down my body while my mind dances (I have my best ideas in the shower); adorning my body with natural fibres in tones of chocolate brown, red, teal, purple, dark green, feathers and jewels.

Our home smells of rose essential oil or Nag Champa incense, and Arabica coffee beans grinding out the black magic. I adore the Bach cello suites of Yo-Yo Ma, and my husband is a massive jazz fan and so our home is filled with the sound of Monk, Coltrane, Davis: the greats.

Living in London I am surrounded by the great soup of humanity: it’s noisy and dirty and often overwhelming; but I will always be grateful to this place as somehow the harsh anonymity of it gave me permission to be myself.

The moment you knew you had found your thing, the one that would propel you forward because you can’t not do it?

I didn’t realise it at the time, but there was a moment when everything shifted for me. I was feeling sad, disconnected, my mind was scattered; mostly I was furious with myself, the universe and everything.

I went outside, and looked up and I was struck by an utterly overwhelming sense of being so vast, so enormously beyond comprehension, as though I was part of the star-filled night sky. I still can’t explain it.

After that moment, I felt compelled to change some things in my life, and it seemed the universe was conspiring with me. I started walking towards what I really wanted: I looked for ways to use my powers for good!

It has been a long winding road to here, but as the fabulously juicy age of 40 winks at me from around the corner, I am starting to make sense of the path that led me here. And it feels magical.

Feeling phrase: how do you want to feel when you are inside of your creative life?

Ripe, present, intuitive, energetic, and as though there are five baby rabbits doing flips in my belly.

Magical moments: what are they to you and how do you open to receiving them?

Roald Dahl said “those who don't believe in magic will never find it.” I love this quote! There is such magic in noticing your own life. Just being aware of frosty air on your face, the first bite of sea-salt chocolate, the sound of a baby giggling; these moments are tiny miracles. 

For me, magic shows up as synchronicity in words, numbers. And ladybugs: I will often hear the same phrase spoken by different people in the same day. And the number nine appears to be following me around.

My beloved Mum passed away ten years ago and I notice ladybugs (even in the freezing cold of winter) seem to be around whenever I really need her.

Ritual that you start your day with.

I love the few quiet moments standing in the kitchen waiting for the coffee, where I can stretch and take a breath.  

I often meditate in the morning (usually on a crowded tube). Just 20 minutes of stillness connects me to what is important.

Favorite part of your body, tell us why you love it.

My belly. It’s soft and a little squishy and I feel sad that for most of my life I have actively hated it. If only I had known how much it had to teach me! My belly is where my intuition lives; it is where I connect my body, mind, emotions and spirit together. My belly is where I am harnessed to my consciousness.

Favorite quote:

‘Nothing good gets away’ ~ John Steinbeck

A mantra or affirmation that guides you:

‘I am unlimited and abundant’

One of the things I have come to know is that I really don’t need much: just Mr P, our cats Rex and Badger, my tribe, and my inner guidance. (Okay, and my MacBook). The days I spend with them are the ones filled with magic, and this reaffirms that I am living and constantly co-creating a magnificent life.

The cosmic joke of being unlimited and abundant while actually needing very little is not lost on me.

Your guiding word/s for the year:

‘Amplify’.

For me this means living my whole life - feeling the full spectrum of emotions, being aware of and awake to possibility, and living in tune with what matters to me. I have a sense that 2013 is going to be pretty awesome.

***

Sas Petherick is a writer, coach and Life Transformer for people who want an Amplified Life full of WOO HOO! moments. Sas believes nothing good gets away – it’s never too late to choose a new story for yourself.

Sas spent almost twenty years helping thousands of people navigate change in their place of work, before a combination of loss and grief prompted my own transformation path. She is a CTI trained Co-active Coach, and is thrilled to be joining Martha Beck’s Life Coach training in 2013.

Sas is currently coaching 1 on 1, as well as putting the final touches on emBODYment: a juicy online programme for women who want to change their body story and can be found at her beautiful new website : http://www.saspetherick.com/.

You ask. I answer.

The questions keep pouring in from this post.

We can sum them up as, "How did you do it?" Here is how.

1. Be in it in truth.

I spent so many years with the pain in denial. I spent so many years with the pain in blame. I spent so many years with the pain in complete silence.

I didn't talk about it, no one really knew. I wanted to believe it was something that came from outside of me, that if I could just find the right pill to balance my estrogen I would be fine. But I eventually stopped even looking for the pill because nothing worked. And no one truly seemed to ever understand.

I remember the day I wrote to 3 of my sweet friends who also happen to be life coaches of the most amazing variety. It was a 'feeling sorry for myself' letter. I told them that I was so tired of feeling pain and flare ups and that I just wanted to sink into the couch and cry and pity myself. I was asking them permission to let it all go and just be in it.

They let me. They said, "Yes. Yes you deserve to feel pissed and sad and rotten. You deserve this moment to feel sorry for yourself. And now that you've had it, what now? What now? What is next?"

After I allowed myself to be in it, to finally surrender to the truth I decided to get help. Real help.

I am blessed to have an incredible Dr. to guide my way, but if I never told him or asked for his help I would just be living in the pain.

2. Stop doing it alone.

I went to the best of the best and got a million invasive sucky tests to determine what all of this was about. Then the specialist suggested surgery. I said no thank you. I was dealing with a triple of threat of issues, but it doesn't matter what they were, they just all needed to be addressed.

From there I found a physical therapist who specialized in pelvic floor and bladder.

I knew that the moment I walked into her office nothing would be the same because I was on the path to healing. Her work changed my life.

It is a huge commitment to go to therapy once a week. Huge. And I did it. I am still doing it. I am healing.

3. Deal with your shit. 

As I was doing the physical work of healing it triggered out all my stuff. All my stuffing. All my shit.

I tried really hard not to deal with it. One day I realized I had no choice.

Truth. Peeling. Allowing. Surrender. All of it. It was so flipping hard sometimes I couldn't move or breathe.

The amazing thing about the truth is that it sets you free to soar and it doesn't matter if it has been 20 years or two months. Do it, risk it, be in it and deal with it.

This life of mine is far too precious to be living any other way than in beauty. And it will suck sometimes getting to that beauty.

As you start to peel and tell the Universe what you want watch as every person who enters your life does so to support you moving into this truth. Every book you see, word you read and story you tell will draw you back towards the journey towards flight. Your flight.

Yes, it will probably rock your whole world and scare you. You will have to make decisions you've never wanted to face. You will risk hurting someone you love. And you won't want to do it because hurting someone feels wrong and scary. But what if your feeling good is the most truthful pure beauty you can bring to this lifetime? Wouldn't that mean that those around you could only be better once you started to fly?

Oh yes baby. Yes.

4. You deserve this.

Right? Maybe it takes you until 38 years old to know that. Maybe 56 or 87 or 28 (damn lucky 28 year old!). Your life has been guiding you towards this moment. The one where you stand naked and are vulnerable and raw and know that you deserve this.

To be whole. To be healed. To be so fucking in love with your life that you make everyone around you giddy with possibility.

Be in it in truth. Stop doing it alone. Deal with your shit. You deserve this.

That is how I am doing it.

The gift. Or, sexual awakening.

The physical therapy for my pelvic floor was like an onion peeling - layers, different thicknesses and textures. Tears when you least expect them and no possibility of fighting them any longer.

No resistance to the process because you aren't in control of this process.

Wisdom, surrender, beautiful work.

Triggers and questions of wonder. Where is this all taking me?

I open the door and look deeply inside of my own reflection from beautiful eyes. I feel it. The release. Finally, the release.

I felt the pain float away. I felt the panic lift.

Urgency mixed with patience.

To finally feel the awakening, just like that. Released. What now?

Since I was about 20 years old I have had pain associated with sex. Bladder flare ups starting at 24 adding to more pain. A young girl who should be exploring and adoring her sexuality and instead is fearful of pain mixing with pleasure. Fucked up. But real and present.

They gave me pills and estrogen rings. They told me I had everything wrong with me. Nobody could fix me. I lived with pain on and off for the next 18 years. I even heard myself say that I was not a sexual being. What? Of course I am. Just scared. Scared to hurt.

So I hid her away. Hid away her sexual needs and desires and prayed that one day it would always feel wonderful, magical, delicious.

Making babies was scary. Sometimes the pain would lift for a time but the fear never went away. I was waiting, watchful, ready.

The last three years the worst.

So I decided that I was ready to heal. Crisis after crisis piling on top of one another. It was time.

I am I was a stuffer. I found this convenient spot in my pelvic floor that no one could see where everything I was scared to feel could be gently tucked in. I held it tight. I grabbed it, wrestled it inside. I didn't even know it was there. Did I?

Then the onion started to peel. I began to unravel. Like woah. Woah. Woah.

The unravel like a loose string on a sweater and someone starts to pull and pull and you are standing still, rooted down and stitch by stitch the sweater undone. And you are naked.

You can choose to freak the hell out. And you might.

You feel naked and vulnerable and sexual and chilly and full of passion and depth and understanding and confusion.

You can't pretend you aren't naked. Now you choose. And now you must feel.

This gift of epic proportions. The oyster. The pearl. The ocean. The sand. Waves washing over the newness.

I am guided by love, compassion and freedom.

I don't know what is next. I just want to stand here in this nakedness and feel. Feel it. Be in it.

Aliveness of self.

Of choice.

Of truly being here.

Allowing my spirit, my sexual body to tingle and time to allow.

The release.

Held and holding.

I write to breathe.

"You are meant to live an expansive, exhilarating, good-feeling experience. It was your plan when you made the decision to become focused in your physical body in this time-space reality. You were born knowing that you are a powerful Being; that you are good; that you are the creator of your experience, and that the Law of Attraction (the essence of that which is like unto itself, is drawn) is the basis of the Universe, and you knew it would serve you well. And so it has."

--- Abraham

A few days before Thanksgiving I said a prayer.

I found the deepest breath I've ever taken.

I stepped into the knowing and the trusting that I am a sensual being.

Then I cracked. Hard. Wildly. Unexpectedly.

And one morning I started to look back and I saw myself. Young, vibrant and full of crazy gorgeous dreams. I wanted to put my arms around this girl and tell her so many quiet secrets.

I felt held and supported even in the chaos that was happening in my life. I was receiving through my words so many gifts from all of you. You who have been here for years, you who just showed up with the click of a button, you who have known me through all my babies and crazies!

I write to breathe.

I write to breathe.

I write to breathe.

Open to receive...hands together in faith...as we become our light.

And so it has.

And. So. It. Has.

Looking back at you.

I asked Patrick if he remembered the first time he saw me. I knew he did of course because he has told me the story many times. We were both in the theatre department and there was a party at a house out in the woods and all of us were gathering together for rides to the house.

I was coming out of a horrible heart-break but determined to get myself up and dressed and out to this party, the last before summer. I was 18 years old for reference! I started over to the meeting spot and I do remember him sitting in the back of a truck or something. Right about the same time the person who broke my heart showed up. Needless to say I didn't go to the party. I think I ran back to my dorm as fast as I could. Details of the heart-break not shared but I will say it was so completely devestating, even as I look back on it. I can't believe such a young soul had to be inside such sadness.

But Patrick will say he saw me and was really pleased I would be at the party. He said he thought I was beautiful but in such a different way than other people. He tells the story with words about how my style and who I was didn't seem the same as other 18 year olds. I wore a scarf every day, huge earrings, layers, hats...

He was bumming that I didn't go to the party.

My sense of self was so strong when I was younger. I remember it. I remember the feeling of being 19. I have always known how deeply our style translates who we are to people faster than words. It was how I communicated with my surroundings. No one was talking about HSP or females with ADD and I had yet to have my first panic attack.

The layers provided me with gentle comfort. The scarves held me grounded. The jewelry centering. I remember I used to come back to my dorm for a nap each day and I would strip off the layers down to leggings and a bodysuit. Oh yes, I said body suit, every day. (It was the 90's!)

As Patrick and I are both seeking healing in our own lives and in our relationship we find it so helpful to look back. To remember. To find the connections not just to our togetherness but to who we were.

To remember what we loved.

To remember what felt good.

To remember what made us laugh.

To remember the kind of people we loved spending time with.

To remember our why-s.

To remember our passion.

To remember our style.

To remember our movements.

Our dance.

Our spirit.

Our me.

At some point, I don't remember quite when, maybe when I got my first job and had to wear a uniform, or when I started to make decisions that went against my heart and gut, or when I was going through that slightly painful decade(s) of growing up - I started to disconnect. I do believe we are born with all of our answers and truths but the journey we are on is how we unearth them. I don't believe that journey is supposed to be free of mistakes or loss or regrets or missteps.

How could we reach these beautiful places without going through the whole emotional scale? The reason I believe in joy so deeply is because I believe in all emotions, all feelings and their validity to our purpose, to our being.

Every time I think how calm and slightly easy my life seems to be something happens. I go into the shake-up, the crazy-making, the lesson-learning, the heart-expanding.

These last 4 or 5 years have been about the journey back to me. Connecting back to the passion of that 19 year old girl in a woman's body with so much less fear. With a confidence that can only come with the seasoning of the soul. I've always felt like an old soul whose mission was to relearn and then guide others once I found the inner wisdom.

What I am asking of you is this:: Look back at you.

Grab yourself at any age where you felt connected and wise and free. When you climbed mountains or went on road trips or ran around on the beach in the nude. Free.

Don't go back and look at your mistakes, you've already grabbed the wisdom from them. Don't focus on regrets, they are spirit eaters. Don't blame. Dear me, don't blame others or yourself. That is baggage for the heart sad. We want heart happy.

That 19 year old wanted her nose pierced and to have tattoos and to live in NYC. She wanted to be madly in love inside of a passionate love affair and no marriage certificate. She desired becoming a mama always. She couldn't remember why she ever put down the guitar or was too afraid to take singing lessons. She always thought about belly dancing. A road trip across the United States made her tingle. She spent so much time thinking about rearranging furniture and going on auditions. She craved time barefoot in gardens and lying in the sun letting the Vit D soak into her skin. She loved making people feel good.

Now at 38 I can go back to her desires and align them with the me now. The strength that has come with the journey allows me to look back at her desires and peek at them next to my desires now. Part of my visioning process comes from her wishes too. She is me. I am her.

Look back at you.

Take the time to remember. Throw out the should-of could-of crap. You are you now.

White space. Beautiful canvas. Emerging feminine. Desirous spirit.

Go.

On love. On enough. On visions. On gentle power.

When I first started doing vision work about 4 years ago I was scared.

I was scared of wanting, of asking, of what I didn't realize (then) was putting myself into a deeply vulnerable state of visioning my life into its most joyful and passionate place.

I was scared to evolve.

I was afraid to look at choices I had made because did that mean I had really f***ed up. At that point I was 34, I had a new baby, my last. I didn't want to look at what I might so deeply need to be different.

So I stuck my toes in the water and I dipped into visioning in what I thought was the most gentle of ways.

I placed my visions on a wall where I could see them and it was a silent prayer each day I looked towards it.

Ever since that day my world has been in a spiral of change, of choice, of manifesting, of learning who I am.

Learning who I am:: Not who I thought I should be. Cracking. Open.

Yes. It is scary. Yes. Things will change. Yes. You get to decide. Yes. You have to release the details. Yes. What shows up will be more magical than you ever imagined. Yes. It will be hard. Yes. There will be tears and laughter. Yes. You will cross through these visions knowing you are love and hold everything inside of you, that makes you enough.

You will feel the gentle power that was born inside of you when you realize that how you want to feel and who you are and what you dream of changes everything.

***

I'll be coming out of my cave to travel across the country and teach! January 5th. Berkeley, CA.

Join us for one of Teahouse Studio's final workshops, Vision Books and Stories of the Spirit. And while you are there Tiffany and I made a little video explaining more of what this workshop is all about. (Please forgive how dark I am, making a video at 5:30pm on the East Coast means no light!)

Feel. It.

Wherever you find yourself on this Christmas Eve, at a party, in your bathrobe, wrapping under the tree or sipping tea with a few tears...

It is OK to feel it.

Be there. Hold the nowness of it.

Know that feeling joy in our lives means that we get to feel everything so much more deeply. Joy doesn't kick all the other emotions out, it makes space, it opens you so that you can feel it all.

Joy is like a deep breath for your body so she/he may know the beauty of this life. Every choice. Every blink of our eyes. Every needle of the pine tree.

Can you practice a little soulwork today and pull yourself into your now. Can you be right here, let your head stop flowing into what-ifs and regrets? Can you stop making up expectations and feel the reality of where you stand or sit in this one still and ever changing moment?

I'll meet you there today. It is OK to feel it. The joy, the sadness, the missing, the longing, the giggles, the anticipation. Feel it and let that feeling pull you into your now. This one very moment. This one now.

Let the now open space. Let the now be your guide into your next breath.

Sending blessings. xo

Dear Magical Universe...

From a bit of soulwork in The Holiday Joy Up. Today I write my letter filled with wishes and thank yous for the year past and the year to come and invite you to make space to reach out to the magic that is waiting around you. Password:: Friday

Friday Soulwok from Hannah Marcotti on Vimeo.

***

My littlest (4) has never been sledding. He was two the last time we had a blanket of snow and the two big kids took turns on our one little sled. I wish for him a blanket of snow if he wakes up on Christmas morning to a sled from Santa.

I have visions of Chloe (10) playing the guitar alongside me, learning our favorite songs together. Singing together. Letting our spirit guide fox help us connect to that passion inside of us.

I see Eli (7) learning to play golf to help him understand his emotions and also to finally get down that last little bit in the splits he has been practicing every day.

I have visions of Patrick (41) owning his passion and place in your beautiful world.

I asked so much this past year. I am floating in the sea of all you gifted me when I saw, wished, prayed, manifested and was guided by your visions.

To travel my work, to connect deeply, to heal my relationship with my belly, to be brave, to hold space for so many women who were along on the journey to joy through ritual, trust and magic.

I am going to the West Coast 4 times this year. Seriously, 4 times. You believed me when I said I was ready to open my wings. I feel such softness and love to you for that. I pray that my work is enough thanks and that the pay it forward effect is powerful beyond my wildest visions. You are kicking me out of my cave, aren't you?

Slowly I am moving myself out of this retreat and slight isolation of the last year, or so. A time when my senses needed to draw inward, to learn and understand trusting myself and my feminine intuition. This is scary shit sweet Universe. Scary shit.

I prayed to you. I visioned with you. I haven't stopped. And now I'm a little bit, ok, I am tired and filled up all at the same time. I am ready to trust that I can take a small break. That I can blink my eyes, take a nap, go days without turning on a computer. I wish for the strength to be in a place of soft pause, floating, allowing all that has been to sink in and take hold with deep roots.

For the last month or so I haven't been able to keep my house and space clean and uncluttered. I know why, I've been exhausted and confused about things but I gotta ask you for the energy to bring my space back to the beauty and openess that I need now. So maybe if I take a nap or something? Let's work on that one.

I visioned women who would help me on the path to healing. You sent me so many that I feel I must have won the lottery as each one has come so that I could learn how to reach out, to be vulnerable and to ask for help. I never knew how to ask for help, truly, before this year without feeling weak. Now the power it provides me with helps me understand the quiet magic behind what I do in this world. You have allowed me to start connecting the dots, your stars and stand under the moon in a connectedness of love for this gorgeous world I have been blessed to be part of.

Shamanic journeys, tattoos, past lives, soulwork, spirit guides...I am hungry to learn more, to keep going, to not be afraid of what the angels know.

Every woman our energy together has brought me to work with has been an echo of my journey, of my energy. Please know that I will continue to have profound faith in the magic that can be found in that energy. I wish for each woman who trusts in my guidance that they will know that faith energy as I know it.

As you know, you and I have been on a mission of making space and I need to ask you to help me find ways to have more space so that I may spend time in stillness, deep body knowing and passion. I'm ready to let go of what I keep thinking that should look like and let you do some of your wand waving. I release...

It is hard sometimes on this beautiful ride magic maker. I understand why. I am recieving. I am listening. And I am forever wishing, visioning and doing my work, my freaking gorgeous work.

Learning to accept this ride as though I am on a magical boat, trusting the waves, the anchor and that we navigate together.

I often wonder if thank you is enough and yet it must be. Simplicity right? Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

xo

P.S. So, I'd also like to throw in a request for a bra that doesn't hurt, that feels comfy and holds these boobs that nursed for 7 years of their lifetime up nice and pretty. Baby making and nursing days are over and I'd like to treat them well.

Cracked.

The beautiful words you write I long to read. I am buried in my own thoughts, too deep to go there, to let them in.

The emails that flow in I want to dive into to let myself loose in another place and yet I can't click them open.

I go to turn left on red.

This isn't how I thought cracking open would feel. Scary, real, raw, passion, intense, power, shifting, open...

The release work on my muscles has opened something up far greater than tension release. It holds up what I don't want. It lets me close my eyes. It is the exhale I have been searching for but so scared of the breath.

I don't want discontent. I don't want loneliness. I don't want hiding. I don't want drugs. I don't want pain. I don't want heartbreak. I don't want what?

I start there so the path to my dreams may become more clear. From the not wanting into desire...desire...desire.

At 38, a women growing into herself, marking time on her body, feeling her way towards the light.

The light. Stars. Twinkle. Shine. There is more. I stretch to find it. Please let it be gentle.

The pain that pulses each time muscles are triggered to release is the pain that is triggered somewhere in the chaos of change. I should sleep after and I don't because words won't stop fighting their way out. I go from fear of nothing to an uncontrollable tangle of thoughts, feelings. Feelings.

More connection. I need to see you and share space with you. I want to share a circle and show you how to crack in the most gentle, loving way I know. My calling is to guide you towards your light and the only way is for me to crack first. The only way is the crack, of being blinded for the shortest of moments by the light.

And when the time comes to open our eyes after the bravery of staring into the sun, we will be open.

Because we cracked.

And we'll crack again.

Because this life is beautiful.

***

A gathering. A circle. A cracking. Through vision work. Spaces are still available. This is one of the final workshops at the legendary Teahouse Studio. Come circle with us...

***

Here are some past posts about my journey healing my pelvic floor. We are never alone. Never alone.

Anxiety and Breathe.

On the equinox.

Prayer. Feet. And the beauty.

As our body cries out.

The pain of the present.

Beautiful Faces. Magical Places.

She drew this for me.

I am eager for the lists that make their way out on sleepy Friday mornings. Today I am mixed up between all parts of who I am and the feelings inside and the need to sleep but hugging my hot cup of coffee closer because I don't have to know, right... kind of mama.

 I adore little acorn and used to do all sorts of things like this with my kids, hmmm....

I somehow see my spirit inside of this one, you know when art touches you in that way?

Yes, Liz and I still have our love affair going, we are helping eachother in so many ways, I am truly grateful.

I really want to write a what would happen post, but for now...

Next tattoo is probably stars, just saying.

FREE and Vivienne in the same sentence, go get yours.

Each year I feel the female guides I need show up to me and enter Julie.

"People are drawn to our brands by what they need from us to be more of themselves or to have the life they’re trying to create." Bam. Post that up on a vision board somewhere, tattoo it on your heart.

Feeling like I'm eggy and spermy all mixed up but have always identified with eggy, something to think about. [via Michelle]

So my workshop will be among the last at Teahouse, this was a manifesting dream come true and we have spaces available. Come vision with me and watch your life start to shift in magical ways because you are allowing it to.

Patrick travels with a gym bag while in his suits on the plane. This bothers me, thinking of getting him this...thoughts? (Patrick don't open link.)

This may need to be mine. Pow.

From one of my gorgeous clients who I look forward to our bi-weekly chats in enormous ways.

Brave.

I don't offer information that doesn't need to find its way to my kids. I wait for them to ask, I wait for them to want to know because until then, they just don't need to. We all grow up soon enough right?

 Can't. Stop. Listening. To. This. Beautiful.

A sensual being.

It didn't click until a loving call with someone I've known for years and she said, "You are a sensual being. You are going to reflect that in people around you, draw that into you." And I am. Because I intuit, because my senses are so wired for input, because I am the eternal feeler.

A sensual being.

When I look at my younger self, the one who was so scared, the one who was lost, the one who was needy, I have such glowing compassion for her. She was always stopping those sensual feelings because she had no idea how to process them. Her intuition was off, her fear of looking people in the eye always keeping her looking down.

It isn't until you come to where you are, till you see what you have become reflected in someone else's eyes, that you realize that this is the spiritual dance of living. And it is just getting started. And it is so beautiful. It stirs energy inside of you that makes you weak and ilogical for a time and you feel, you feel. You feel. You feel. Things come un-numb and that is scary and pulsing and vibrant and woah.

I have been afraid that if I close my eyes for too long everything I've built in my business will somehow fade away. So I've been pulling them wide, trying not to fall asleep or mess up or stop for too long incase I need to grab hold of it tight. There is a deep desire to translate this sensuality into my work, allow it to flow onto the pages, inside of my coaching, trusting my knowing inside.

Here I am tattooing myself and finally wearing this nose ring. Belly passion. Awakening and believing in the spiritual dance. The spiritual dance of this life.

As a woman we have this soft invitation to ripen. To take each year and pull from it the bits that we want to hold onto and blow the rest into the wind where it becomes part of the dance of the sky.

I'm holding onto the beauty. I'm seeing my eyes reflected in yours. I'm believing in us.

Sometime (maybe in past lives) I stood in the truth of passion, senses exploding, the gift of feeling and stepping back into it feels shaky and raw. Because stepping into it means it is me. Just me. No one can heal me or fix me or be certain it will all be ok. These senses and gifts and passions have become my now, my present tense.

And so the faith that I can close my eyes, that I can trust that nothing is going to fade away while I nurture this woman who is simply ripening more and more, is an answer to a question I asked. Faith. Faith. Faith.

A sensual being.

The prayer.

I say a prayer.

Whisper out desire to the Universe.

Cut words out of a magazine and glue them on a board.

On fallen knees a prayer that cries out from the gut. My heart.

Sometimes you start with what you don't want, in the darkness of the fears.

The prayer, the way we long to feel. The prayer, the voices of our past. The prayer, typed onto our spirit.

My spirit calls out.

Antler around my neck seeking deeper meaning, connectedness.

Fox shows up before the prayer ever came and my eyes find her everywhere. Passion, desire, intensity, expression.

This place I stand, this body I claim, feeling magical, gentle power my scent.

This knowing brings chaos. I search for the answer to the whisper. I want it now, time begging for clarity.

Fear it will fade if I don't stumble on the path of perfection.

The prayer, knowing without search. The prayer, a deep forgiveness. The prayer, compassion.

In the search I am reminded from the clouds, the rain, the smiles, the angels, the snuggles, the leaves under my feet...that prayer does not require our digging.

Prayer and magazine cut outs and whispers of desire are the place of our truth.

Closing my eyes, I hear the lack of an answer and a hush of space.

The prayer, opens us to space. The prayer, opens us to our change. The prayer, opens us to trust.

The prayer opens.

Spirits of joy is coming to CA...me and you!

I have a plane ticket. Some of my dearest friends are going to house me and laugh with me and let me breathe in the gorgeousness of a state I have never been too.

Vision Books and Stories of the Spirit.

This is the video for the DIY Spirits of Joy, I thought it would be fun to share with you all and I would be so blessed to sit, glue, laugh and possibly let a few tears flow if you are in the CA area. It will be magical.

Spirits of Joy 30 Prompts from Hannah Marcotti on Vimeo.

You can sign up for the workshop January 5th, 2013 here.

***

Sometimes I am humbled beyond words. I asked the Spirits of Joy Tribe (which you will be added to if you attend the workshop) if they could help me communicate the power of this work. Bam. I might have needed tissues.

"As a visual artist Hannah Marcotti and her Joy Book process have gently rocked my world. She has returned me to the JOY of my voice and my work. I am painting, creating, expressing again... and this time it all means so much more!"

"Vision Work. Gentle. Powerful. Joy creating. The most beautiful gift I've ever received, and the most joy filled soul work I've ever done. Gratitude and appreciation for all I have received from this."

"Hannah has changed my life...her thoughts and words are that good!"

"Visioning with Hanaah has opened my eyes and days up to Magic. Her often simple but very powerful prompts and poetic words never fail to inspire me and to help me gently dig a bit deeper to unearth what I truly seek in creating a life I love. I am truly grateful to have "found" her and know that this beautiful work will continue to be transformative."

"I have no idea how I found out about Hannah Marcotti but I'm so glad I did. I have worked with her one-on-one and taken part in her online programs. Through her gentle guidance and honest heart I have begun to feel joy again. This happened slowly and without my noticing. So very grateful!"

"It allowed me to SEE, and to dream bigger dreams, because I was able to SEE what is possible. It has guided me, and clarified my vision."

"I walked around each day glowing from within and with the sensation that I was surrounded by sparkles and magic! Hannah's courses are a gift for your soul."

"This new awareness of myself has led me to be more in tune with the universe, more focused on the magic around me and the joy in my life."

"I am inspired to dream, envision and set intentions for living a truly authentic, soulful and joy-filled life. She has a gift for encouraging depth & meaning through beauty and simplicity."

"Taking Hannah Marcotti's Spirits of Joy ecourse was transformational. Her gentle guiding prompts and her encouragement to be open to the possibilities of what the universe has to offer gave me the opportunity to listen to parts of my soul that have long been neglected, and to truly hear my heart sing her song of Truth. Finding my truth, finding my visions, looking at ways to manifest my desires for the future into the reality of today... all of this was brought to me by Hannah and I am deeply grateful for her and the joy she has inspired in my life."

"What I have learned is that there is joy everywhere, even in sadness, even in fear. Hannah taught me to honor how I feel and empowered me to grow my spirit."

"I have no idea why cutting, placing, sticking, and playing changes my world and my feelings so profoundly - but it DOES! It must by-pass that naughty bit of the brain that likes to analyse, reason, play-down, be pessimistic etc. Then of course there is the fact that you just made something real, right there in front of you. You breathed life into those dreams and dared to put them out there. Their form usually surprised me, and the fact that I could be surprised when it was I who had done it all myself, was... surprising! All in all, a peculiar, intriguing, fascinating and wonderful experience with an incredible 'end' result."

"Hannah has magic flowing through her veins. She sweetly and boldly challenged me to look within myself, gave me the courage own my truths, and guided me to realize that we all have a little magic coursing through our veins."

"I am a sensitive person. Hannah's gentle, nurturing spirit was perfect for me.I love all the ways of bringing magic and ceremony into day to day life.The process of letting our word find us was very interesting. Mine was Sanctuary. I now purposefully make my bed, thanking it for being a restful sanctuary. A little thing, but it fills me up. This class really spoke to my heart."

"Hannah's energy danced and leapt into my world, took me by the hand and gently reintroduced me to a part of me I'd been missing."

Anxiety and breathe.

A week ago I walked into my physical therapy and I was a bit whacko. A ball of chaos and stress. I had been having panic attacks and they were being triggered by all sorts of random bits and pieces.

I blamed it on the little bit of caffeine I had had and mentioned how my bladder can't handle caffeine and I would probably have a flare up and...

"OK." Yep, I was talking a whole hell of a lot, fast. Furious. When I was a kid my nickname was motormouth. (I love listening now!)

She had me lie down and together she helped me practice deep pelvic floor breathing. Kind of like how you go down into your belly for that nice deep breath, well this breath goes down to the pelvis. And it is healing, opening and releasing.

We also talked about something that gave me a huge window into understanding my anxiety. What I've realized is that my anxiety isn't something that is happening to me, it is something that is happening within me.

It is happening within me. And from all I have learned from this gorgeous Universe, my feather finds and moonwalks, is that we have everything we need to be joyful, to be abundant, to be whole.

So I am allowing this truth, it is something within me, to guide me forth. Today she worked on my back and at one point I felt the deepest breath come into my body and I realized that for so long I've been holding my breath. The issues with my pelvic floor are all about holding in and when I took that breath I could feel the connection from the inside of me into the Universe.

It was one of the best breaths I've taken. Will you breathe with me, one deep, deep, full breath? xo

What surprises you?

I finished an interview for my sweet girl Laura and I won't give away the question that inspired the post (I'll let you wait for the interview) but it had to do with being surprised. I never had a surprise party, not sure my sensitive self would take well to one, I like a plan, but surprises exist around me every day, around all of us. The Universe seems to deal in surprises, often just as we think we have it all down.

I am surprised every single time someone signs up to work with me. Truth.

I am surprised when I see Chloe's hot chocolate and it has the most beautiful heart on top. Hearts are everywhere once you open your eyes to them.

I am surprised at how many people I love have whispered the words, "Be careful what you wish for, you might get it." Because it always shows up differently than you imagined. Because it is often freaking hard ass work. Because when we manifest we have to release the details.

I am surprised that I get to use my gift of sensitivity and love for heart-centered business to make a living. This one may never go away, I hope it doesn't. I am humbled all the time, over and over. Humbling surprises.

I am surprised that after being gone from the boys for 6 hours that they jump up and down waiting to hug me. "Time for mama-hugs."

I am surprised that I am learning to save money. Shocked might be a better word. I have declared 2013 the year that I finally accept I am truly building a solid business and come up with systems and a plan and save up for the attic remodel that I've been dreaming of since the day I stepped foot into this house.

I am surprised that just when you think you understand you, a new you is ready to come forth, building upon that knowing. Thank God, Goddess, the Universe. Have I mentioned how much I adore being 38?

I am surprised that being 20 pounds over what I forced my body to be at for most of my life that I finally feel beautiful and sexy. Doesn't mean I don't sometimes wish some of it would melt away, but I have a deep trust that this is where I am meant to be. And I've learned how to dress myself to feel gorgeous. (Still working on the bathing suit, thank goodness I have a loooong winter season to figure that out.)

I am surprised at how vulnerable newness makes me feel. And ya'll may know how much I crave change.

I'm surprised when I don't know. I still feel this very strong attachment to needing answers right away and the waiting is unfamiliar, still.

I am surprised at the gorgeous community that has come together around my work. My heart still gets lit up every time connections are made and inspirations are shared. I. Am. Blessed.

And you? What surprises you? Love to hear down below, or as my Community Grace Community knows, I'd love for you to write your own post on what surprises you and then come back and link it up below for all of us to share.

Magical moments, feeling phrases and guiding words.

As you may be, I'm spending a fair amount of time reflecting on the past year. I am finishing up a program called Community Grace that has stolen such a chunk of my heart right now. I was walking the dog one day and had an idea that looked like a long wooden table set with white plates and bowls and mismatched napkins. I saw a coming together of community around grace.

I let it play around in my head for a while and kept not knowing what it would look like. I was in love with the name and every time I thought of it something new came to mind. When I realized what the program was I felt really scared.

We always hear others say (I know, I know, I say it too...all the time) that our sweet spot is what comes easily to us. Connection and community are my sweet spot. Feeling phrases, magical moments and guiding words -- these are my secret ingredients whenever I am mixing up something new.

I was scared because I knew that I would be guiding this program based on feelings. Feelings are what I know better than anything, my intelligence is highly emotional.

I had that moment of knowing that this was so deeply, desirously what I wanted to do. Would the 60 women who signed up think I was nuts when I asked them to start with a feeling mantra?

I was truly scared of this and also more sure than anything that this program wanted to flow through me. My sweet spot. This is what I do.

Creating this program, I knew that I'd be telling real stories, rather like I am now, so that these beautiful women would know that faith is scary. And gorgeous. And real.

Guiding soulwork, feeling and inspired action based prompts, this is what my year has been about. Soulwork for my tribe, soulwork for my heart, soulwork for my life.

As I reflect on the year I am doing much, much, much work around what I want 2013 to be about. I am starting with the magical moments, the feeling phrases and the guiding words.

When I'm ready to take a big leap in my business I see myself there. I notice what I'm wearing, where I am, the pen I'm holding, the way the weather is outside, the people around me, the feeling that I have inside. I see details. Then I release them into the Universe.

Faith.

Thursday night we'll be gathering on the phone and joining voices and closing our eyes in guided meditation together. I'm giddy for this time to hear from some of my community who have changed my life by adding such depth, richness and joy.