Choosing. A to-do list of surrender.

Sitting in deep surrender today. Letting her wisdom wash over me. Letting the uncomfortable bits settle down into my belly as I take a deep breath, all the way down to my pelvic floor.

I feel my pelvis relax, open and then slowly I feel it gently close, without the tension.

Surrender's prayer, "I feel uncomfortable and I want to hide from it. Please don't let me hide, numb, run."

Tears. Smiles. A release of the jaw.

Texts full of the words that only women who love you without fear or judgement can send.

Thoughts of a friend whose words I miss and the knowing that time is a beautiful manifestation of space. The vulnerability of a healing relationship, the journey that is not yours alone. A house sitting in clutter and humidity, holding my space. Writing from bed with his little body next to mine, my constant shadow, the grounding.

Poetry spinning in my heart, words like blessings, insatiable for time to be seen.

Today I choose to be gentle in my words. Today I choose to go get my bangs trimmed. Today I choose to put on clothes that feel sexy against my skin, that may be yoga pants and flip flops. Today I choose to mix accomplishing with rest, a challenge. Today I choose to call in my spirit guides, to allow them to hold my unknown. Today I choose desire. Today I choose to cut out words in magazines and let them lead me, the practice that heals my heart.

Today I choose surrender's prayer as my starting moment.

***

Second photo credit Vivienne McMaster. Third photo credit Chloe Marcotti.

Some small time ago.

I couldn't walk the dog. Or walk to pick up the kids from school. Or lean down and pick up Lucas when he needed me.

Just going to the beach was a little scary, what if I hurt or couldn't move with the kids.

I gained about 15 pounds.

Atleast 2 weeks out of every month were spent in enormous amounts of pain.

My body was lonely.

I was scared. Having panic attacks sometimes twice a day.

I couldn't have lemon or caffeine or most nightshades.

I knew something deep inside of me was fighting. I was so tired of the struggle.

Making Space for Surrender is the program that came to life because I was easing into my own Surrender. One that over time would turn into a manifestation of healing. Of change. Of choice. 

Yesterday I drank a green tea. I was fine. Joyful.

I can pick up my four year old sleeping, carry him up the stairs and into the house in my heels.

Walking to school and playing in the park, yes. Check.

Long, gorgeous beach walks are planned from now until forever.

The weight is slowly melting off as I experience the sexy exorcism of Forrest yoga each week and try to dance and move.

I drink lots of water now, no fear that it will hurt.

A glass of wine no longer sends me to bed for two days.

The surrender didn't take the pain away. The surrender allowed me to close my eyes and feel the acceptance and love for my body regardless of the pain. Or because of the pain. Or both. To just be. Be there.

And then I could change. I could find my beautiful path to healing.

Now I am surrendering to a new fight. That is how we evolve. Like waves crashing through the fog onto the rock cliffs. And that moment of stillness when you are flooded with calm and light and every spirit guide you'll need to walk with you on your journey.

I will add my guidance.

Today is the final day for the Early Bird sign up rate.

The Surrender, scary-gorgeous.