Two sides doesn't make a whole.

When I used to hear people announce they were taking an extended social media break I wondered why the announcement was necessary. It felt to me like a trap, a hold social media had over people that they couldn't just be there when and if they wanted.

During my personal unplanned social media break I received a lot of messages (I was truly touched) asking how I was, checking in with me, telling me I was missed. This surprised me. I didn't expect anyone would even notice inside of all the noise.

And the reason I took a break was the noise. When Corona hit I couldn't hear my own thoughts. Opinions and Zooms and newsletter after newsletter giving away free everythings and as much I was wanted to be supportive and talk about our experience it didn't feel helpful to add to the noise. I led my Rooting In group, which the women made an incredible place and space (thank you) and that was how I decided to walk the beginning of this unknown time.

I honestly never thought I would need a break from social media. I've had a pretty solid relationship with my spaces and I am not one to over-scroll to numb and I mostly can just stop following someone if I feel triggered or less than.

It seemed once I entered into the social media break space that there was an all or nothing road that would somehow lead to balance.

Two sides of the coin, on or off.

Take breaks when it becomes too much.  

What has surprised me most is that after being away I have little desire to return. And the two sides surely don't make a whole.

I have zero desire for likes and attention via that platform and this is new. Whether I want to admit it or not, I was feeling a bit left behind when it came to a social media following. Many of the people who started businesses around the same time have podcasts, they have huge followings, they work really hard to promote and gain exposure.

I don't.

I used to think social media was such a gift. I could connect and learn and grow a business and record pieces of my life and offer what I had to offer.

Then I realized I would think in Instagram posts. What picture? What words? I would tell a story on social media before I told it to friends or my partner. 

I've lost myself in other's lives on Instagram as well. The Glennon/Abby story and videos are intoxicatingly fun to view and we use their first names like they are friends in our circle. Women who are sober. Women who teach business. Women who write. Women who do it all with kids on their hip. Women who farm. Women who raise chicken and kids and change the world.

I've always said that I share so little but it has added up to a story of my life with most of the details that matter missing.

These letters fill in some gaps. My work/teaching courses are a more complete story.

The thing is, I never cared about the missing pieces because they are mine.

But what I noticed I was doing was thinking about other people as though they were a whole, knowing full well they had missing pieces too.

It is like this.

A friend writes something on social media. You see it. You think one thing about it, the thing it is leading you to think. You text that friend and get the missing pieces. All of a sudden you aren't thinking about it the same way. You have the context and their truth in a way that social media can't ever convey. 

We aren't on or off, we are so rich and deep and what we choose to not say on Instagram is who we are too, the gaps are filled in, the beauty is obvious without a perfect square photo.

I'm not leaving social media, I am rethinking how it holds my thoughts. When I want to share I'm going first to a letter or to my blog or to the ideas for programs. I'm sure I'll find a new flow and feel better there at some point (or not).

Just like I've been rewiring my brain to know that I am OK without alcohol I need to rewire it to know that I am OK without social media, mine and others'.

It used to feel fun but the psychology behind it, the ego behind it, the needs behind it aren't adding up to a whole life.

I watch the kids exist in an environment of Tik Tocs and Snaps and things I don't even understand. They think they are getting real news. They think they are informed. They think they are connected. They think in short sound bites and abbreviations and videos. I don't judge them (that's a hopeful statement) and I am trying to understand it all.

On the weekends we often 'force' them to go to the woods with us, where there is no wifi or service. They are crabby and awful for the first few hours. Then something happens. They become lovely. They play games. They go outside and use a bow and arrow and swim or read or talk.

At some point they let it go and I can feel their change. When we return to wifi land they act as though they just got reunited with a missing body part. 

They also say, "That was fun," and "I'm glad you forced me to go."

I'm learning to write again. Not in short little Insta posts but as long as I want (are you still reading ;)).

Blogging feels like a lost art that I want to capture again. I remember starting my day reading these few sweet blogs with a cup of coffee and screaming kids and the feeling was different than the Insta scrolls, the social media check ins.

Less noise. More space. A deliberateness to sharing words.

Stories not curated for the scrolling eyes and 2 second attention span of social media. Something more.

Just a little something more.

Thank you for being here, I'd love to hear from you, xo