The one where I talk about orgasms and to-do lists.

As I am laying on the cool sheets receiving an orgasm from my partner my mind starts to split. I am experiencing pleasure and trying to relax. In the process of trying to relax my mind starts to make a list.

Because what is the best possible way to relax? Make a to-do list so you don't feel so scattered and unfocused. 

Call vet about Bunny, fill out day care form for Delilah, look into bone meal, decide what to work on first in the morning, keep in mind how much there is on Friday's list, stop eating sugar and drinking fizzy water this week (bladder flare up), set up savings account for the summer, figure out newsletter for Friday...

I catch myself once I go from figure out newsletter for Friday to thinking about writing to you about this orgasm process. Not that I have any shame talking about sex, I'm all in, I just can't believe as I'm having an orgasm I'm thinking about penning it.

OK, yes I can. The family joke is watch out, Hannah might turn that into a newsletter.

When my mind used to split like this during sex I would feel guilty and I would struggle to have an orgasm. Since learning to release guilt around how my mind works all things are just, better. Better. Easier. More fun. They feel in integrity with who I am.

Once I've made this little list in my head, which I'm sure is partly possible because I am entering a state of prolonged pleasure, I can slip into a little fantasy or get really focused in on the feelings.

If I go into the guilt of thinking about making vet appointments when I'm supposed to be surrendering, things get all wonky. It isn't just with sex, it is with everything. All my things.

Yesterday I had so much to do that I was paralyzed. My self expectations were all juiced up with the kids going back to school. At one point I screamed in my head, "How am I supposed to do any of this with the kitchen such a mess and dishes everywhere?"

Then I realized, that was the way in. Not as pleasurable as an orgasm, but that was where I needed to go begin my surrender and to-do list.

As soon as the dishwasher was emptied I could feel myself start to relax. My mind was splitting into the task and mediative process of cleaning the kitchen (which is my home base, clean kitchen, clean mind) and sorting out what I could do next to not feel overwhelmed.

Then I had a clean kitchen, even in the chaos of fish tanks that needed to assembled on the dining room table and stinky hamster cages and the stick the dogs chewed up all over the floor and the clothes I just thrifted that had to be washed and sorted and the long list of other work and generally nothing being ordered or calm.

I had a clean kitchen.

Now, I had an orgasm, a to-do list and a settled mind.

I've tried so many systems and plans other people have suggested and I'm on this adventure to figuring out my own damn self. I gave up alcohol so I could feel myself in my life and save my relationship because I really freaking like this partnership when we aren't drinking. That opened the door to seeing myself.

I don't like a lot of what I see. And when I don't, it is always the places where I'm not in integrity with who I am.

As simple as thinking I can become a person who laser focuses in on their work while their kitchen is dirty. Not me. Dishes before all else (except coffee, and I even drink decaf).

Or being a person who clears their mind and chases away all other thoughts while they are having sex. Nope, not me, I'm going to have a whole party of thoughts going on. And then an amazing finish.

Right now my personal work is around telling the truth. But I have to figure out what that is first. I create so many stories and fantasies that I get lost. I put others comfort before mine and I get lost. I have resentments and lose my way to reality.

The other morning I wanted to talk to Dave about a fight we had had that was lingering far too long. He said, "Let's talk about it on a walk with the dogs."

My entire body went tense. I said, "Fine." (Code for not fine, as we know.)

In the past I would have waited and gone on the walk even though that was so not OK for me at all. I would have done that to make Dave more comfortable.

I took a breath and said, "Actually that doesn't work for me. Walking the dogs right now is incredibly stressful for me and I won't be able to talk then."

He asked me when a better time would be. We were laying in bed, the kids were not awake yet.

"Right now."

And much to my little past self's -pretend to be what someone else wants you to be- surprise, he agreed. We talked. Right then and there and both were able to wake up into better days.

My truth. My process.

My truth. 

I have a couple questions you can play with.

When did I not tell the truth today?

Where did I change what I wanted to make someone else comfortable?

Was there a chance to share a truth with someone and I said what I thought they wanted to hear instead?

Who in my life do I trust to hold my truths?
.......

I trust all of you and I thank you, always, for helping to create safe space here to empty out what is inside of me so I can continue to create and teach and learn and connect and hopefully, serve.