Crazy bored with myself.

There is this thing that happens in the online world. 

It changes. Fast. Lightening speed.

Just when you think you've figured out Facebook, boom, Facebook laughs in your face and forces you onto a Facebook page. 

Just when you think you've figured out the Facebook page, boom, Facebook laughs this time a bit more evil like and tells you now you have to PAY for anything to be seen.

Just when you think you are over Facebook and will use Instagram (insert social media of your choice), boom, they decide to do exactly what Facebook is doing and you won't be seen by many of the people who follow you any more.

It happens fast. And you have to adapt. It isn't a big choice, you just do or you don't.

.......

I used to be madly in love with so many women who worked in similar circles as I do. Like hard core, crush, love, give me give me give me.

I used to be madly in love with my work, with the way I could take a piece of my life, my story and turn it into an offering, a teaching, something that could lift and provide a path towards the beautiful iterations we get to be inside of in this life.

Something happened. The cozy community, the networking inside of ease, the smallness that existed inside of something huge, shifted. Saturated. Got so noisy. Busy.

My inbox is filled with emails, newsletters, words, poems, prayers, lessons, gifts and sales.

The conference where I used to gather with all these women who I lust after, lost its enchantment, and slowly we all stopped attending.

Many of my women friends had babies, got married, moved.

And I got separated and divorced.

I miss them. 

I miss the passion for this online world.

I miss my big retreat lakeside each year.

I miss deeper connection in person and through online community with women.

I am bored of myself. I am bored of doing it the same way.

Not because I don't think I am pretty cool, but because I feel I've lost this really fucking important piece of who I am inside of this call to keep adapting and making paid ads and make things shinier and bigger and more wow.

.......

I want to iterate. Again. But not because it is being dictated by sponsored posts or how many people I can get to watch a Facebook Live.

All of that is fine. Learn it. Understand it. Choose what you like.

But that is not what motivates me. That is not what keeps me interesting and likable. That is where we get lost and become just another email, another email people don't open. 

My motivation for the last 8 years has been my freedom and my happiness.

Not my joy, I have joy that sits in my belly and visits my heart and feels gratitude.

I knew that to be happy - those moments when you giggle so hard you cry, when you cook a meal and the first bite someone takes brings on the words that fill you up, the moment you wake up your kids and they put their arms around you for a snuggle - to be happy I would have to seek out my freedom.

.......

Happiness. Freedom.

And I did. I found it. All. Both. More.

I am free. I am happy.

And I am bored with all that was because something new is brewing again. 

A new motivation. A new passion. A new force.

I am so pissed off because I keep waiting for it. I've made space for it. I've slowed down my business. I've thrown my heart into my family and home.

.......

I have mastered the art of separation and divorce and single parenting and falling in love. Not everyone loved this chapter of my life. But it saved me. It gave me freedom and happiness.

And kind of like the miscarriages I had, I can be there for the women who are going through this and it is impossible to know what it feels like unless you have been inside it.

That is not judgement, just the truth of shared experience of loss.

I've manifested the shit out of my life.

I get scared by it, of it.

The speed, the intensity, the way things show up looking totally different than I expect but bringing me the desires and changing me once again on a cellular level, kind of like when you stop eating crap and make some kale and homemade chicken stock cellular change.

I'm close. Truly close to finding my next why, the thing that creates the next level of magic.

The Magic Making Circle will be back, but I am chatting with it, and listening, and I know that it will be new. It craves that something that I'm feeling in my soul. The motivation for its birth has come to manifest and now I want to take it deeper. I'm listening.

.......

My tether right now is home. The part of me that I don't feel bored by is the way I show up as nurturer. As lover. As mama.

In this transition time for me, because the iterating has been like whiplash and the quiet hermit mama has needed her space, in this space the one who wants to create and connect is the nurturer. 

The one who is less ambitious and starving, the one who is safe and wants to love and give.

She is the one I am communing with, getting soft with, opening to.

I've been side by side with women who judge themselves for all of it. Who think they should be making more money by now, who think they should be crying less tears and feeling less pain by now, who believe that they should weigh less by now, who are berating themselves because they should have left by now, who are afraid to live because they should be something something something that they aren't right now.

.......

You. And I. We are where we need to be and it will change fast, so for now, can we (even if we are bored with ourselves or judging ourselves) just be here. Here.

It is a new dialogue, these emails, the social media, the offerings, the websites, the asks.

Being new is trusting in the future. Being new is faith that when the cells rearrange it will someday feel good, blissful. 

Because it will.