On feeling special

I lay on the table, covered from the naked waist down by a white sheet, showing its fold lines in rectangles making a pattern of order, of sameness.

Feet in stirrups, socks and leg warmers holding warmth as I close my eyes and feel the tears well up. The moment before the catheter goes in is the worst. My fear of it is what brings me to my knees in anticipated pain.

The pain is never as bad as my fear, but the fear is now increased as I have given up my almost daily Motrin habit to numb pain. My body knows the pain that will radiate for days after the procedure. My body knows that moment it first hits my raw skin and moves into the one place where all my fears reside I will coil into myself somewhere and try to pretend it is all ok.

But it isn't all ok. I am angry. I am so angry that my body has been holding bladder pain and flare ups since I was 24. I am angry that I don't know what a normal bladder feels like. I am angry that I am scared to hike or run more than a mile or make love to a man because when I pull my underwear off there is always a panty liner reminding me of my brokeness.

I am angry that the treatment helps one thing but causes so much pain and fear. I am angry that I get so bloated from the medicine and the flare ups. I am angry that I am alone every time I go into the office. I am angry that I feel so alone despite wanting to prove that I can do everything on my own.

I am so angry. And I don't do anger. I don't understand it. I am scared of it. But I am angry.

As I lay there I try to call in the higher self of someone I love but I can't get close. Can't feel the energy, can't find him. I am disconnected and just want to be scooped up into arms that can hold me and promise me that I am not alone.

And I am angry. I am angry because all I have ever truly wanted is to feel special. I am angry because I have no patience for healing or loving or growing or making. I am angry because I keep getting so scared I want to run from the one thing that I desire more than anything.

The women circle and they say, "Baby, here you are again. Stand still. Stand still. Be still. Stop controlling everything. Be still. Find you."

Find you.

I am on the table and they say they need a bigger catheter because the medicine is getting stuck. I calmly say, "No. Please just make this work. Please."

And he does. He makes it work. His job is to take care of me. My job is to ask for what I need. Calmly.

Exhaustion overwhelms me after the pain and fear of the catheter. After holding on so tightly to something I need to let be free. I don't know how to ask for what I need if I don't know what I need.

She said, "I wish you could see how special you are. I wish you could feel how fucking special you are."

So now my job is to feel it. After the fear. After the pain. After the separation. After the work of being in love. After the trust. After calling him in. After the ovulation. After the wanting to run.

I feel him gently pull the catheter out and my eyes swell again. He presses the sheet down between my legs so I can sit up, covered once again in orderly rectangles, now a bit wrinkled under my sweat. I feel my bladder surrender. I feel it searching for safety. I ask him to please find a way to do this treatment into my mouth. He laughs. Hugs me goodbye.

I am sure I can never go back and lay on that table. I want to run. And I want to heal. I need to be angry. Then cry.

My work is to feel it. To be in the discomfort of the healing. In the discomfort of the love.

My work is to ask to feel more special. My work is to go in search of me. My work is to stand still. My work is to let myself be cared for.

Today I am climbing in my van and going in search of me. I think I know where I will find her but I am open to surprises. I know she is somewhere in the space that I will hold to be loved. To be loved with love relanguaged. To be loved even when it is hard. To be loved through the fear and pain. To be loved, to feel special, to stand still.

I am climbing in my van and letting the anger melt into tears which can hydrate my spirit once again.

I will find me.

She is close.

She loves deep. So deep.

When I find her I will wrap her in the arms of the Universe. We will pray. And become again. We will heal.

I will find her. Because I have heard she is pretty special.

xo

The way all of the sudden

 

Once divided, nothing left to subtract.

~ Pearl Jam, "NothingMan"

The decisions you have to make because you are grown up.

A dog walk in the cold when you would rather curl up.

Watching the two new lovers make out at the end of the counter as you order your dinner.

Noticing the leaves turn your favorite orange and feeling the fear that you might have missed it this year because you weren't looking in the right places.

Bacon. For breakfast and after school snack. And then more bacon.

Wondering who loves you.

Waiting for the words that don't come.

Hot tea turning cold on the window sill as you forget what you did 10 minutes ago.

The way all of a sudden the weight is lifted from your gut and you can breathe.

Witnessing how beautifully they accept your knowings. And continue on.

Wondering why that person didn't just listen to you, believe you.

Boundaries flowing in as you tearfully join in.

Laughing so hard as you stand in the mirror with her on her birthday taking pictures.

Remembering when you were 27. Almost a mother. To the child who now hides in her room all day.

Broth from a carton because roasting the chicken right now needs to be someone else's job.

Becoming your own dramatic darling. Because oh baby, you draw in the drama.

Rearranging the furniture and hanging fabric on the wall and wondering who will be the first to come for dinner.

Laying on sheep skin rugs, naked, praying that your skin isn't lying.

More pictures. Of your skin and face and belly and maybe even your back. You have changed and it isn't stopping.

Having them both text you in their own love languages on the night you craved it from your soul.

Setting out the magazines, ready to vision into the next iteration, even though it scares the shit out of you.

Maybe bacon for dinner too.

Cause it is all going to be OK.

xo

The story of a launch

 

They sent blue sweatshirts instead of grey.

After returning them and ordering the grey with all the snow, there was no way that they would arrive at my Loft in time for me to take photos for our launch on Valentine's Day.

I get a text from Jenny.  "Hey, so what are you doing Friday night? I have an idea."

You really don't say no to Jenny's ideas because they are always a little crazy and a whole lot of perfect.

We agreed to meet Friday night somewhere in the middle of Vermont and RI so I could get shirts for the photo shoot and launch Saturday morning.

Notes from a NH road trip ::

Remove bra and shoes 25 minutes into drive cause highly sensitive skin. Change your mind 5 times about where to meet. Get lost in the dark back roads of NH. Remember that time you were pregnant and lost in the back roads of NH and gave birth in a car. Plan to not do that again. Give in and get D&D coffee. Plan to not do that again. End up at the one open and adorable ice cream shop. Yes. Open. Get the shirts in your van. Have a biz meeting in van giggling the whole time cause freedom. Stop at gas station to pee mid drive home. Get the look from all women in gas station when you walk in in leg warmers, leggings and said shirt. Smile. Cause ‪#‎ilovethislifenow

Jenny walked into her gas station and got a free hot chocolate when the guy saw her shirt. I got the look, she got hot chocolate. ...I mean?

I went to bed at 2am after being in the car for 9 hours, traffic. Woke up at 7am for coffee and photo shoot 3 hours before the launch. My eyes were tiny and tired but I was happier than I felt in a long time.

Because dreams. And connection. And #ilovethislifenow.

The launch on @coyoteloon via Instagram had our shirts sold out in under two hours. With so many requests for it we have opened up a pre-order on coyoteloon.com and we will get those sweatshirts out to you as quickly as our screen printer can work his magic.

The support, the encouragement and the love overwhelmed us.   Thank you. Because living the life of your dreams starts by loving your now.  My hands are at my heart center receiving the energy you all bring to me.

xo

All the things

 

the jar of almond butter, thinly spread on the green apple after the nap.

an ottoman the color of joy, puffed up under a brick wall.

the note you passed to the hot guy with your phone number on it, just like when you were 14.

first sips of coffee, hot, bitter, creamy, pleasure.

ink through needle into skin that adores the small points of pain marking time.

hot pink laces finally feeling the touch again as they resume their place on the feet ready to run.

grammatically correct texts. and then more texts.

craving being called beautiful and instead getting stunning. cause sometimes it just feels good to hear.

clean dishes.

sweet, salty, crunchy pad thai with extra big shrimp and generous squeezes of lime.

tears after the orgasm, alone.

10 strands of twinkles all plugged in waiting for the moment that more begins. here. it is now ready.

believing in the power that your kids hold the magic because now they are free to be free.

not making decisions because right now it is enough to remember to open the jar of almond butter after the nap and feed your body just enough to keep moving.

standing still. daily reminders from friends to stand still. to feel it. standing still because setting off bombs was what was needed. now standing in the dust. the rubble. the after.

being on the other side. with skin telling your story of flight and light and home and stillness.

all the things that must be in your becoming now.

lift the veil. stand still.

let beautiful becoming stunning in all the things.

run.

the stillness never hides the truth.

xo

A story of faith.

Sharing a video I made for my magic making circle with you. Because this is how we believe.

Laughing Loon Retreat

"I'm told there is no going back. So I'm going forward" ~ David Levithan

We will gather. Women who have connected virtually, who long to be together in real life.

To love, to grow, to embrace. To circle, to hold, to listen, to release.

We will live inside of the questions and trust that when we sit by her water, the answers will no longer be sought, but simply gifted.

Our cozy home away from home will be in Jefferson, Maine right on the shores of gorgeous Damariscotta Lake. Maine in the early fall is warm during the day, and crisp and cool at night. And the leaves will be changing....the colors are amazing.

 

Our time together:  Thursday September 24 through Sunday September 27th.

We will begin on Thursday afternoon to settle into rooms and welcome you.

We will gather Thursday night for a celebration dinner and circle and Sunday will be the morning when everyone packs up to go. Leisurely. Inside of all the changes and what is to come.

Friday and Saturday will be filled with workshops and creating and eating gorgeous food and loving each other up. There will be space built in to use the boats, swim (if it is warm), visit town and have some time to just be.

Meet the team of women who will be supporting us during our time together on the lake.

A deposit of $415 is required to hold your spot. We do expect the retreat to sell fast as this is the first open retreat I have held outside of a circle.

The retreat deposit is non-refundable unless you or I are able to secure the spot with another participant.

Much preparation happens ahead of time, so please, only sign up if you are 100% in!

This year we will be offering three different kinds of pricing options.

Your retreat fee includes all meals, lodging and some surprises sprinkled in.

Lodging Options are: (When you add to cart you will be reserving that space with a non-refundable deposit of $415)

Private rooms are for those of you who really need to close a door and have your own bed space. There will be shared bathroom spaces.

Shared rooms are in the larger cabins. This is the perfect option if you already know you want a roomate! You will be sharing a room with someone with lots of space to feel settled. You will have bathroom, wood stove, fridge, stove, etc. Think cabins in the woods with a porch to sit and sip your coffee in the morning and have wine at night.

Sleepover style is sort of my jam, how we sleep at The Loft, tribal. Random beds of different sizes, cabins that have bathrooms, beds, wood stove, fridge, stove, etc. Think college dorm fun. Fire pits outside your cabins and the lake is at your feet. The more rustic of the cabins but pretty special.

The shared and sleepover style are cabins by the lake. Most private rooms are in the main lodge also by the lake.

Private rooms - Four spots available  (Sold out!)

$1200

Shared rooms -  Nine spots available    (sold out!)

$1000

Sleepover style rooms - Sixteen spots available  (1 spot left!)

$850

If you try to add one of the options above to your cart and cannot, that means that option has sold out.

The balance for your retreat stay will be due no later than August 10, 2015.

There are a few airports that are close to Jefferson, Maine.

Portland International Jetport is an hour and a half away from the retreat spot.

Logan International Airport is about three hours away from the retreat spot.

There will be options for carpooling/ride sharing as we get closer to the retreat date. We will set up a closed FB group for all of you to get to know each other virtually before we gather. This way you can connect and make plans.

Leg warmers, Hannah yams and dance parties will be provided. If you have any questions at all, please email myself and my assistant Kristen at hello@hannahmarcotti.com. Please do NOT send Facebook message questions, just email.

"How is it possible that four days in Maine - four measly days - could bring forth so much? Like your cells were realigned, like your true, slightly forgotten, self was unveiled, like a craving you didn't even know you had was satiated.

The retreat was a coming home, a grounding, bliss.

The torrents of laughter, the tender moments fueled by music and moonlight and the call of the loon, the early mornings on the dock, the words whispered deep in the night that linger with me still.

I now belong. To a pack of fierce, real, luminous women. I could not be more grateful for the experience and the gifts it brought." ~ Kelly

(Thank you to Kelly for use of some of her gorgeous photos above.)

"Hannah holds such incredibly sacred space both online and in person. The retreat was: re-charge, soul-sister connections, delicious food, inspiring fire-side talks, dance party, and belly laughs with happy tears. So fucking good. So good." ~ Marisa

"Before I went on the retreat I was in a sad place in my life. I was able to open up to those women at that place like I had never before.  So much healing took place during my time there, and I was able to release a lot of bitter negative energy. It was amazing to be in a group of like minded women that really GOT me. I rediscovered a part of myself I thought was long gone. Also I got a bad ass tattoo, and found my true voice which I have been using ever since. It was a wonderful, magical experience that I would do over again in a heartbeat. That retreat will be forever in my heart and soul." ~ Jannine

"The retreat was magic that touched my heart and soul in a powerful way. I felt so gently and lovingly held at the Lake with freedom to be where I needed and desired to be throughout our time there. The sense of love and community that Hannah builds in her online programs truly comes to life when we gather in person, and creates friendships and connections that run deep. My time at the Lake brought me into a deeper sense of trust of myself, permission to feel the feelings that come up, and the opportunity to be unapologetically me. I am forever grateful for the time spent on retreat with an incredibly magical group of women guided by Hannah. Each one of us brought something special that made this time so magical. Hannah's attention to detail made the space feel immediately welcoming and comfortable - from the location, to the decorations in our rooms and the main house, to the incredible food that was made and shared with love. Each moment there felt like a gift, and I carry all of those moments in my heart and will continue to do so." ~ Xandra

The arrows hitting the roof.

He shot the arrow onto the roof the night of our party. The first party I was throwing with the kids in years. I was in my bliss.

He is me. He creates drama. Conflict that draws others around to work together to solve. He creates a situation, an event within an event.

As his brother was working hard to get his arrow up on the roof too, he starts carrying the ladder outside to the deck where my friends and I are drinking tequila and grapefruit and soaking in the sun before the party starts.

We sat laughing while the boys strategically plan how to get the now two arrows on the roof.  The ladder is complicated and needs to be raised fully.

As we let them fiddle around I can feel my pride rising. This boy has ambition. Drive. He wants to figure it out. He wants the freedom to explore, try, fail.

The most amazing thing is that he is me. I would believe that I could get that arrow. He believed it. I believed him.

After about 10 minutes my friend Cookie stands up and pulls the ladder up to the roof. She climbs up and the kids stand nervously watching, waiting, believing. She is their hero on the ladder that they are actually scared to really climb.

They made this happen. He manifested it. He believed.

When the arrows hit the roof our knowing of what was possible expanded. Our connection with each other felt tighter, more joyful.

He creates a situation so he can solve it. Bring people together. He is drama. Fierce emotion. Sharp tongue.

He is quick to calm with touch and words and his favorite song.

He holds no grudge.

He rubs my shoulders just because.

He is a boy of nine years wise and young. Born in a car, slipped right out of me, ready for this beautiful life.

He is me. He has my hair, my teeth, my intuition, my struggle to pay attention or finish any one thing before starting five more, my heart, my depth, my desire for fun and freedom.

He tells me we are so much better now because he sees that I am happy in ways I never could express or live fully before now.

He brings me to my knees in tears in a way no one else ever has because he hits places inside of me that are mirrors of shame and grief and regret. And then I become better while I help him heal.

He laughs big. Loud. Silly.

He is the boy who is now taking care of me, holding me, helping to raise me into this new life.

He is shooting arrows onto the roof to see what is possible. To create more inside of this life than anyone could ever believe more than him.

And I believe.

Sexy and Sanguine (the oh, yes, yes, yes)

What :: 4 weeks of sexy and sanguine soulwork prompts, challenges and explorations

Why :: Confidence is freaking HOT.

When :: May 17th - June 13th

Cost :: $79.00

Your rogue ecstasy, your story of fantasy, your beautiful spaces?

Have you embraced the romance of waking up in your skin?

Can you feel the sensuality inside of grey, the rawness of an orange sky, the taste of a kiss full of red wine?

Do you reflect your light in others and draw their curiosity of pleasure into you?

Have you ripened? Have you ripened?

In a past life/future life have you stood in the blossoming of your sexuality with your senses exploding, in the gift of feeling?

And from that self that was or will be can you feel her guiding you?

Are you sexy and sanguine?

Do you feel belly passion?

Can you close your eyes and paint your beauty by numbers?

Is there a knowing in your toes, your ears, your breasts that each piece of you is loved and sacred and on the journey towards whole?

Is there a candle waiting to be lit that is celebrating you, celebrating her, celebrating this gorgeous life that you have claimed?

And where can you whisper ‘oh yes. oh yes. oh yes’?

Let me take you there. To the yes. To the roughness of your edges and the dance of your awakening.

Do you truly know her?

Sexy :: Stimulating. Erotic. Desirable. Appealing. Hot.

Sanguine :: Bloodred. Temperament of cheerfulness. Confidence.

When I was 22 I was out walking with a friend. I had long blonde hair, worked out often, was a champion dieter, known for really good skin and living in Seattle pursuing acting, 2 years away from marriage. My friend said to me, “Whenever we are out I just watch men look at you, turn their heads.”

2 days later I went to a Salon and cut off all my hair. Not in the cute or sexy-declaration-of-myself-as-a-woman way, in the I-don’t-want-to-be-seen way.

It terrified me. My sexual self, at 22, she scared me. I wanted to hide from her. While many 22 year olds were out exploring their sexuality and beauty I found myself wanting to stuff it into a little box and find a hiding place for it. Part of my dieting history had so much to do with not wanting to be seen.

I was terrified of myself. Of my skin. Of my beauty. Of my yes.

This may not have been your 22 year old story. It may have happened after your marriage vows. Or when your first baby made her appearance. Maybe it was a story of a younger age or the fear of turning 50. Or maybe your sexual confidence just slowly faded as the role of young woman turned into wife, mother, worker, nurturer, tender, multi-tasker.

Confidence is alluring, hot, sexy.

Each year many of us choose a guiding word or phrase that will be the feeling we want to draw into our experiences, and it is a powerful practice. When I created this course last year my guiding phrase was gracefully sexy. All to lead me further into hot confidence.

Confidence is gracefully sexy. Managing finances is gracefully sexy. Feeling delicious in your skin is gracefully sexy. Creating healthy boundaries is gracefully sexy.

Sexy and Sanguine Woman know…

• boundaries are beautiful.
• dreams come true from feelings.
• closets are sanctuaries.
• the shade of lipstick that lights them up, or the perfect lipgloss to plump.
• just when breakfast is for dinner and that bubbly can happen anytime, anywhere.
• the part of their body they always hated can actually guide their pleasure.
• pleasure.
• how to hold a gaze.
• how to receive. Really.
• how to stand in front of a mirror naked.
• to kiss and say hello before listing off complaints.
• beauty is in the details.
• how to hold space.
• feeling sexy is inside and out.
• that iterative living is gorgeous.
• how to take risks.
• saying yes is a turn on, after learning to say no.
• that listening changes everything.
• how to follow their animal spirit guide or tarot card into sacred space.
• that hot confidence is a practice.
• how to walk into a room and really see.
• how to ask the questions that flip it all around.
• that hot confidence is fierce magic.
• that an awakening is non-negotiable.

What you’ll need for this course…

• A camera, iphone is great
• Some apps for your picture editing which I'll share with you at start
• A journal to poem and vision in, I love Moleskines
• Some white space, clear the calendar a bit for some sexy and sanguine prompts
• A hot date, with yourself, with a girlfriend or many, with your lover… in celebration

How it will work...

• One prompt a day for 28 days alternating between photo prompts and soulwork prompts
• A FB group where we will gather and share our photos and our soulwork
• An instagram hashtag for online sharing, though those photos will be the more cropped versions ;)
• 4 weeks of learning to feel incredibly sexy in our skin

I created this course last year because I had gained about 25 pounds and was so uncomfortable in my own skin. What I knew was that I had to find myself inside of this discomfort and pain I was carrying. I knew somewhere deep in my gut that I wouldn't be able to move through to even find the pain or source of the holding onto weight until I could look at myself deeply in the eyes and forgive all the years of feeling so wrong, so damaged, so not beautiful.

My practice of taking selfies clothed or naked became my most treasured practice towards finding a compassion for my skin, my spirit, my confidence that was simmering under the surface.

I look at who I am now after a year of this sexy and sanguine guiding soulwork and I am blown away. I have lost 20 pounds through total self adoration. I feel gorgeous in my skin. I take my really bad days and I flip them around by getting infront of my camera.

I made some huge life shifting decisions in this last year that took me from an edge of pain and unknowing into joy and movement.

It was never about the weight but it was about the feeling of stuck, of never being good enough in this body I was given.

I learned to spend time with my belly, the part of my body that gave me the most angst, torture that I had carried since childhood. I photographed my belly, spent time adoring it and let myself lead my sexuality with this part of me that for so long had been hidden as though it was what made me unworthy of love.

I look at the pictures of me now I can't believe I am the same woman. I feel like I have grown new skin. Every part of my cells seem to have changed into something lighter and filled with compassion and adoration for my own eyes.

My invitation to you is to come along for 4 weeks but to know that this journey will last into your year of 2015. It will be the beginning of a practice into deep sexy and sanguine living.

I believe it will change your life. Looking at yourself through the lens, doing the soulwork prompts, letting other women adore you and see you, you will not leave the same woman.

You will leave with your sexy and sanguine in your soul.

the five goodbyes of seduction.

“I finally know the difference between pleasing and loving, obeying and respecting. It has taken me so many years to be okay with being different, and with being this alive, this intense.”  ~ Eve Ensler

the first is your own. the one you must say to find your vibration. it involves no one else and somehow the entire universe in two syllables. it is metaphor for you having chosen yourself fully, creating space to hold another. creating the intention of holding the ache that is the gift of my name to yours.

it is your sexy being strength softness knowing. it is your naked body standing up to go. it is the moment the seduction comes around again and plays with my skin no longer part of yours. but needing only yours. the cold that comes from our sweat.

goodbye.

the second is your clothes back on. the second is the kiss you gave me 10 minutes before. the second is the feeling of staying in my arms until you drift to sleep. the second is the one you don't want to give as you lower your mouth to my ear to my neck to my breast. the second is my safety. the second holds all of me. the second is when i moan.

when i exhale into your mouth. when you tell me you love my taste.

goodbye.

the third is part of the second. the moment when i yield under a body made for my own. every piece and part fitting together in ways others may never have known exist. we know. as though a secret held in a loon's belly, the howl she reveals to deepen love. it is my smile that won't release.

goodbye.

the fourth is the one I call you back for. i ache. i play with you in my mind and you feel it in my eyes. you try to walk away but the five goodbyes are my seduction for the moment we begin again. you are my circle with openings that brought all of you to all of me. my circle that refused to close because it knew you would find your way inside.

the fourth is the unspoken knowing that you can hold me.

goodbye.

the fifth is the whisper of promise that you belong to my body. spirit. future.

a kiss blown. a whisper as you open the door.

it is memory of the touch of your finger the first time it brought me beyond words. it is memory of your breath. it is memory of the heart i hold, your heart, that i listen to as you sleep.

the fifth can fill my eyes with water from a thirst that created you. a thirst that felt your eyes pushing inside my eyes the first time we said goodbye before we ever met.

the goodbye that was the silent moment of the beginning of a story of seduction.

goodbye.

.......

Sexy and Sanguine returns for May. Details announced in Thursday's Love Letter. If you aren't subscribed, go stick your name in that pretty box up at the top right of this page.

everything, sweet one, will.

stacks of magazines on white sheets.

torn pages. pages of white. pages turned before you knew.

everything will change.

i watch her cells turning time. her years in my heart twelve and a lifetime. she is laughing more. taking risks. telling me stories in the van. allowing me more than 2 inches between us when we walk in public.

everything will change.

do you believe in luck...

how much is spirit how much is you and are they woven...

each question brings more torn pages.

everything my love will change.

my twisted, dreading hair pulls up into a ponytail. neck exposed. there are the lines that a year ago spun me into tears and i cried to them that i didn't know what to do and that my neck was aging and how could i do this. how could i do this. everything will change. and now you see my neck. and you adore me deeper. everything will change.

you deserve this. you were born for this. everything leading up to now was drawing it towards you.

and if you believe in luck how do you define it...

if you are lucky what path have you dusted off...

how much is chance. how much is every moment you stung, sung, drank, pleaded, grasped, let float away...

leading up to this gift...

everything baby will change. everything my sweet will change. and i will hold you. protect you. guide you without changing you or me for you, only alongside you. and when you are ready and when i am ready and when we are ready it will become without expectation.

and the ground will expand...

he uses my vision board as a dart board. the words 'baby, you're a firework' and 'love life' in bold white words on yellow torn pages become his mark. old vintage darts that lost their feathers. he grabs three small oranges from the table. tells me he can juggle and i watch all three fall and roll. don't worry, he says, i will eat one and then it will be easier.

and the clock will speed up as i watch you... and the clock will know my name reminding me it is time for you to go now... and the clock will carry your luck if you choose to call it that to my breasts where i will grow you...

everything sweet one. will change.

blow the next exhale onto the path you've always been on. strip the orange down to sections. inch yourself further. let adoration lift your hair from your neck and breathe words you wrote while you were in the moment before you tore the page.

everything. everything. will.

Hidden moments.

She sits in the mini van after being told another's truth. A truth that was a mind over a heart. The rain is pouring down and tears ask her to look between rain drops.

xin

In Chinese mind and heart are the same word.

She struggles to untangle so she can understand with her head. She wants her mind to explain her feelings away. She wants so deeply to have words to make it all find some sense. Offer her ease in yet another transition into herself.

Her heart and mind have never been separate. This is not something she can take apart, even for a moment.

She is xin. She walks with xin. She often acts in ways that are seen as irrational by others because not separating mind from heart is big feelings and wild living and so much. She loves deep. She is a playful, sensual lover. Her xin is her guide every time she laughs.

She knows that there is no separating the mind and heart. They beat and breathe as one. They speak together. She knows they speak together.

She doesn't have to understand the decisions of others, all she needs to find is the compassion inside of it.

Through the glass she sees a woman on the side of the road holding up a sign, asking for help. Money. A glance. Who knows.

She digs into her pockets and pulls out every bit of cash she can find. A twenty, a couple of ones, a five. Rolling down the window she catches her tears and slips the wad of crumpled bills into the woman's hands.

"Bless you."

She hears. Bless you. Through the raindrops. Keep looking through the rain drops.

xin.

She knows she will have to say goodbye to the butterflies. The ones that came before the truth that now changes her next steps. Again. She needs to be more careful when letting others hold her xin and not lose compassion inside of fear.

As the van moves through the puddles she thinks about what she will say to her boys as they are becoming men. How she will talk to them about holding a woman's xin with such tenderness and joy.

What will she say to them about trust? Trust feels endangered. She wants them to know trust. To gift it to every woman they love, whether for five hours or five years or a lifetime.

She wants them to know that the mind and the heart are not separate, they exist as one beautiful, confusing, lush, mesmerizing, compassionate, flowing note.

The windshield wipers go faster and the moments become hidden from her story.

satnam.

satnam.

true name. true self. truth is my name. bow to the truth that exists. i see the divinity in you.

inhale sat. exhale nam. through your nose. it is mantra. it is truth. it is prayer.

satnam is prayer that moves you from the hard places into the ability to do it.

satnam is your truth and your divinity. heart and mind and body together.

......

who are you becoming?

she is spirit guide. she is your truth. she is beckoning you, ever so gently.

what does she want to invite you towards?

let her speak, guide, open.

she is your true name as was your past self. you grow of each. bow to your now as the prayer of who you are becoming is told. record the prayer.

......

capture the sacred of who you are becoming in photograph.

think about growing up and out. think about heart center, hands in prayer or lifted to sky.

you are growing into her, can you see her?

turn the camera around on yourself or use gorillacam app on your phone as a timer.

don't be afraid to explore and push an edge. naked shoulders or belly. scarves draped. lipstick bright. let her guide your photo shoot. let the she you are becoming be there. soon she will become part of your past story as she is rebirthed over and over.

what does she want you to know?

......

and breathe. satnam. the prayer of your truth. the light of your divinity.

The Circle Officially Begins Sunday.

The above is a prompt from Magic Making Circle, a group where women gather together for 6 months to explore, create, guide, share, nurture, unearth, feel, manifest, journey.

Women loving other women without judgement is one of the most healing things we can experience. This is the kind of circle I gather. These are the women who show up.

Some of the women have been sharing short videos talking about their experience in the last circle and why they are coming back for more. You can watch them and sign up over here.

We officially start March 1st inside of our FB group and the prompts will begin to flow to inboxes on March 8th as we begin with our Sunday blessings.

This is where I will be for the next 6 months. This is my circle. My virtual home. These are the women who change me every time.

I say yes. Oh yes. This is why we find our bravery and faith.

A study in love.

:: "Moth is the master of disguise and is reminding you to be aware that you could be hiding from yourself. Are you using your emotions to keep yourself hidden from others? Is it time that you transform your emotional energy away from drama and into something closer to your heart? Have faith in your journey and trust that although things seem to be complicated right now – you will eventually see the light. Use your heart to guide you." (Spirit Animal Totems)

:: When I was 7 I was obsessed with plants. Growing them for science projects in closets and talking to them. I wrote puppet shows and recorded them. I loved researching, studying. I went to the library and learned that eating dairy might be giving me the sinus and ear infections that had become chronic.

I loved books. Stacks of books. The study. I would play school. Chalkboards made me have a kid high.

In college I chose poetry classes, voice and diction, Shakespeare. I was in awe of the study.

When I realized that I held some seriously old anger towards my father I read everything I could get my hands on around anger. I made a practice to study anger.

I have studied health, food, coaching. Marketing. Being a woman. Abundance. Manifesting. The moon. Stardust. Meditating. Vulnerability.

This January, at 40 years old I realized that I have never studied the one thing that beckons me more than any other. That I can feel in my cells. That teases me, fertilizes me, pulses in me.

Love.

I have never studied love.

It always seemed like a given. Love.

Just love. Born with love. We are love. Love, love, love.

But I struggle inside of love. I have fed myself on crumbs in the love department. I thought in my twenties that having kids would heal all my stuff around love.

And, nope.

So for February I decided to do two things. The first was to vision around love. To find the feelings. To let the Universe know that I was opening to love and I wouldn't try to control what that looked like. (Yeah, and cue my friends shaking their heads, laughing.) The second was to gently go on a study of love. To let most of it come to me, with eyes wide open to receive the study that came forth.

:: A trip to NYC to study love and integrate all the parts of me. It went something like this...

Allow kids to lead the dance of time and space, be introverts and cuddle up in hotel with take-out. Explore city and favorite restaurants with open gratitude. Pay for not one single drink and meet every spirit guide you were meant to. The gorgeous bartender from my childhood home of North Carolina, the beautiful woman celebrating her news from Princeton along side my ‪#‎coyoteloon‬ celebrations, the amazing man who sent a selfie of he and I to his partner in CA, the designer outside of a fashion week event who told me about what living in Chelsea is like and looked at me with such faith in my crazy desires, the couple who sat next to me at brunch and told me their love story of second partnership after divorce. And buying pretzels for the boys at LIRR before leaving the 13 year old says, "Mom. You are the most happy and chatty and way too open person." Know that this is a compliment. Plan your trip back (without kids this time) for another dose of immense magic. ‪#‎ilovethislifenow‬

Ponder the connection between love and magic and dreams.

:: How I want to feel inside of love with another. This one trapped me. And then I found her words.

:: I call bullshit on the whole love yourself first before you can find or allow love with another thing. I read that over and over this month. Here is what I think. Love is not our issue. We are born with love in our souls for ourselves. Then we become imprinted with touch points of pain and trauma and fear. Those touchpoints make us scared. They ask us to seek validation from others. They make us run and hide from our heart's desires. They create chaos and drama. They create the struggle to feel that love. Yes, feel it.

I don't need to love myself first, that is a given. I was born into that love, recycled into that love, my existence is that love. But there will be times when I struggle to feel it. What I do need to do is heal some old pain points. Integrate them. Feel them. I am learning that I need to know who the hell I am before I can be in partnership without losing parts of myself.

Give myself space and stillness so I can gift my beloved with the same inside of love.

Have compassion for the one person who I give the hardest time to.

I need to go out to eat with myself often and not take out my phone and talk to people around me. I need to have experiences that affirm my crazy wild sense of self. I need to be all parts of myself, visionary and mom and wild and free and safe and cozy.

Kind of like commenting on someone's photo and telling them they should smile - maybe remember that smiling is not the only sign of joy and that we all have different ways of showing up and expressing and showing our feelings. I suggest you don't tell anyone they need to love themselves before loving another, let them journey, let them make huge mistakes, let them flail a bit and become ungrounded. Then be there. Love them up. Give them space. They are journeying through and feeling so much and like the moth to light, gorgeous love already is.

Gorgeous love already is.

:: When Patrick and I separated it was the scariest time of my life and also the one that I felt most sure of because we needed a new way of being in partnership, in parenting, in finding magic that we had lost for ourselves. My love for him and the way we have journeyed together and still are as ever changing beings is deep. Flawed. Messy. Raw. But we hold love as our guide. Our totem. Our feeling.

Soul contracts aren't ours to decide. They are written in the stars long before we touch down in these bodies. Of this I am certain. The more we try to control the contract, the more pain we pull in.

Surrender is the intersection between acceptance and change.

Surrender feels like a beloved.

:: I have been scared. And in that fear pushed people away who my heart loves deeply. There are times when I can't connect to my kids because I am unable to find myself inside of this huge iteration. Barely breathing.

The little one will climb in my lap and say, "Mama, we are so good here. We are just so good."

That's when I find my exhale.

I come from the exhale.

The longer the exhale, the easier it is to breathe inside of the changes inside of the love inside of the call towards beloved inside of the study of love.

And there are 3 days left in February. I can only imagine how much more there is to learn.

The coyoteloon that changed me.

Preparing for my retreat with my Magic Making Cirlce this past September I gave myself 3 days alone before anyone would arrive.

I first saw the lake as I pulled in the narrow (scary) driveway in the pouring rain in my van filled to the top with food, pillows, bedding, decorations, altar supplies, sheepskin rugs and every part of my Loft I could tuck in. A huge lodge with several cabins and a view that my made heart flutter were my gratitudes for making it all the way down that crazy little dirt road.

I had groceries to get out and coolers filled with frozen meatloaf and muffins, so I unloaded stuff out of the van and onto the cart that pulled supplies to the lodge. That's when I realized there were no keys. Nothing locked. And I was alone. And soaking wet. For three days in this huge openness.

Nothing locked. City. Girl.

The first night I sauteed apples listening to the wind ring the porch bell and watching the storm that had forced me inside to do just what I thought I had wanted. Be alone.

Alone has been a journey that brings me to my knees. And one that I have known I must be inside of, to know myself in deeper ways. To find my power and strength without the voices of others. And I was being tested hard that night.

I settled in and barely slept in that lodge without keys, thinking of my game plan if some crazy person tried to come in at night while I was sleeping. I put my keys under my pillow because my mini van key is pretty fierce.

The next morning at sunrise, my coffee and I found our way to the dock, which would become my morning and afternoon ritual for the week. My church. I had arrived at the retreat not just as a guide but to be guided. I was feeling myself in my own skin, feeling fear being alone, wrestling with questions and longings. Questions burning on my surface.

The sun set on the second night after a day filled with moving furniture and trying to make a dusty lodge look a tiny bit like The Loft, and that is when I heard the coyote-bird. I texted my friends, "Um, is there such a thing as a coyote-bird cause I am freaking out a little bit."

That's when I learned about loons. Our spirit animal while we retreated on the lake. Their sound moves right into your body, it finds all the spaces left untouched and opens them. As magical creatures do.

That loon became affectionately know as the coyoteloon and by the end of our time at the lake there were 3 loons celebrating with the women who had come to know themselves more.

.......

On our free day, Jenny (who was the creator of magical decorations and crafts during the retreat) and I went into town to relax and feel the space that Maine gives to your heart.

On the drive I saw a blue canoe on the side of the road for sale. My stomach leaped when I saw her. The most beautiful blue, silver linings, huge.

"Jenny, I think that is my canoe."

I am wild and impulsive and scared often of that part of me, as it has been dampened over the years.

Jenny calmly said, "Ok, let's check it out on the way back."

She did not tell me I was crazy or remind me I lived in the city in a Loft with nowhere to put a canoe. She let me have my wild.

And wild it was. I bought the canoe. (That is a whole other crazy funny and amazing story.) We put her in the lake and I felt like I was home. Not in Maine or on that lake but in trusting myself, one of my deepest longings.

Jenny brought the canoe home with her to Vermont to use on their lake and love up. It was that easy.

What if it could be easy?

The canoe was so heavy, and it made no sense. But it became a great story and an even better friendship.

We named her #coyoteloon. She is beautiful.

The canoe and Jenny allowed me to feel like the most amazing creature on this earth that day because I was safe inside my wild. I was free and held and loved.

Since our canoe partnership Jenny and I have been dreaming of other ways to continue to feel safe and wild and free. She is an artist, dreamer, doer. I am a coach, visioner, doer.

We are growing #coyoteloon from a canoe into something much bigger.

Our launch is on Valentine's Day through Instagram. Follow us here. Our first product launch will be exclusively through Instagram.

And a look at what we are dreaming can be found here.

.......

“I beg you, to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and to try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don’t search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer.” ― Rainer Maria Rilke

This quote became the theme I used for our time at the lake. For the retreat that gathered 26 women from all over the world, Scotland included.

I was living the biggest question of my life when I arrived on that lake, anxiety and fear had been holding me for too long. I remember sitting on the dock, feeling so deeply into the question as though I was growing it inside of my body. Every morning I would take my coffee to the edge of the smooth water and the question would start to feel more and more like it was a part of me.

The coyoteloon would howl.

I would breathe.

The question without begging for an answer was the most peace I have ever felt.

One month later I was living inside of the answer, as though the lake had touched a part of my soul that was finally able to stop searching, controlling, fighting.

It was surrender. The lake was my prayer.

And magic and wildness and safety are my blessings. I am changed. As love does. As it does.

{Video} Glimpse inside Magic Making Circle.

Each week in the circle I make a Q&A video based on questions that come in. This video was around kids on social media, charging for your services, a question around the prompt we were working on for the week (She Said blog post and Amazing Day references) and a question that they almost always asked... how I was doing. (There is nothing like the circles that gather in this magic. Nothing.)

If you make it to the end you will be rewarded with a cameo from Lucas and me grabbing my boobs. Real life meets my work.

You can read more about the circle over here.

We start in March. It will be magical. It already is.

And I am driven by mad love currently.

The girl on the sidewalk.

She walks home on her own. A small frame, long curly black hair. No more than 7 or 8.

I meet her in the same place each day as I am driving to pick up the boys and she is crossing at a stoplight.

The snow had piled up and she crossed, on this day, over to the shoveled sidewalk surrounded by the foot and a half of snow on either side.

I sit at the light and watch her little self navigate the icy patches.

Then she stops. Stands still. Backs up slowly.

Her head turns towards the snow on her left side and she takes a giant step into the snow. She has found someone's tracks making a path through the deep snow.

With such concentration she pulls each boot up and into the next footprint. About 6 or 8 steps and she is back on the sidewalk.

She looks up and her face holds pure happiness and thrill. I smile. Then laugh. I catch tears in the back of my eyes.

She catches my eye. Smiles. And continues down the sidewalk in her own rhythm.

I want that.

I want that.

I want that.

With grace and careful footsteps.

I want that.

to be a wing.

ask for heart. it is hard to grow. ask for heart. moth souls take time.

to be a wing. resistance in daylight.

to be a wing. love inside the moonlight.

ask for heart. she has powerful faith in the mystery of the universe.

to be a wing. fly for heart.

(inspired by nayyirah waheed "do not disrespect your heart. by hearing what it needs. and giving it the opposite." and my moth spirit guide who is my faith)

A prayer for the highly sensitive.

“The cosmos is within us. We are made of star-stuff. We are a way for the universe to know itself." ~ Carl Sagan

Since I was young I have believed for better or worse in my muchness. My nickname was motormouth. I demanded a lot of attention. I like to think I was funny and entertaining in gaining this attention, but now as a parent, I am guessing it wasn't  all entertaining.

When I was young 'too much' was more like being sooooo much (it wasn't heady it was  a soul knowing), so infused into the world around me, so desiring friendships and fun adventures. I wanted to be inside of everything going on. To climb on every dirt and sand pile, to ride my bike on all the paths, to know what all the kids were up to.

I tell my clients who hold this belief that they are too much, that they possess a gorgeous and magical thing. I tell them they are sooooooo much. So much beauty and realness and love and sadness and all the things wrapped up into what is usually a highly sensitive body.

Processing the world in highly sensitive skin is going to include a bunch of fuck ups and a whole lotta hot loving. It feels manic and low and every space inbetween.

It is feeling so much that you often talk too much, can't sit still, stumble over explaining your feelings or just need to go quiet and numb for a while to process what it all is. So much feeling.

And what if you had someone who could hold all of you while whispering in your ear that they have you?

"I've got you baby. I've got you."

The ones who can hold all your sensitivity and all those he/she encounters in the world without taking it on, without thinking you are crazy (ahem) and without judging. Who can wrap your sensitivity into words that make sense. Who forgives you when you spin out of control. Who understands that your feelings become your reason and that doesn't make you weak or wrong.

What if you had someone who trusts you and your feelings as soul-journeying, not as being too much to be loved?

Along this path we walk, these human manifestations who can hold you, will show up. They may journey for a long hike, a forever walk or a sprint. But they will hold you. They will teach you that you are love. They will ground you. They will call you back when you fall down the holes that are dark and long.

They are heart and pure love and human star dust.

They come in all forms. A child with a heart that was born to teach you a new depth of love. Friends who believe in every bit and piece of your make up and are the ones who reframe and catch your tears and become containers for your laughter. Lovers who hold you tighter when you are afraid and are intoxicated by your joy and humbled by your love for them. A stranger who holds your gaze, smiles, and infuses you with confidence that your skin is beautiful.

And there will be days when no one can hold you. When no one can convince you that your feelings aren't eating you alive. The days when your nervous system is on overload and the only way back to you is you.

To become the one who trusts you and your feelings as soul-journeying, as star dust.

You travel through it. Accept it. Surrender. Make a prayer. You hold you.

You feel it all, every damn bit of those feelings, with every speck of your stardust.

The prayer becomes infused into the Universe's voice.

That voice will be heard when leaves blow, coffee brews, babies cry, horns honk. It is your surrender to all the magic of the knowing that you have you.

"I've got you baby. I've got you."

.......

Making Space for Surrender is where we will journey through the feeling, accepting, surrender, prayer and change.

We start February 1st.

Doubt. And the moth.

Friday afternoon I find myself in bed for a nap, not my usual move. Naps are not the easiest thing for me right now. I am in this constant go-go-go state.

A few hours later my blood felt hot and my skin was shivering.

Fever. Back ache. Just ouch.

I cancelled my plans and surrendered to the jabbing pain in all my limbs, tossing and turning, grabbing motrin, feeling crazy alone.

The things we forget when living alone, like what happens when we get sick. Or can't hang the basketball hoop we are so excited to give the kids because we have no ladder and can't reach.

When I feel like I can't mistep, it isn't safe to stop, to feel, to cry, to process - because I am taking care of these little lives - something bigger than my control comes down and places its hand over my heart.

And so the fever, from heart to body. Shivering. Sweating. Freezing.

Humbled into needing when I am scared to need.

I doubt all of it. Did I really think I could do this? Run my business, parent three kids, maintain the Loft, feed us, keep us happy?

The fever. So alone.

In the morning soup and coconut water from the man who co-parents these amazing kids with me. Who has never made me feel wrong for my decision to be with myself.

Blessed. I am blessed.

Doubt. A shit-ton.

I can't be sick, I need to work, to go, to move, to cloud my head in busy.

An entire weekend in the bed of clouds. Freezing. Sweating. Doubting all of me. The kind of torture a fever can often bring on to the mind. In just 48 hours. In just 48 hours I feel wiped of my faith, of my rainbows, of my beauty. I struggle to look in the mirror as I pass it by.

When the fever lifts I feel wrong, out of sorts, sad. I can't find the pulse of my magic after having been drained.

I ask the Universe to help me find my love. In the form of a butterfly. I ask for a butterfly. Within 48 hours. (Read the prompt here.)

The first 24 go by and I am impatient. I have never had a manifesting timeline before. 6 months is my window, though I do find things appear within three days most of the time. 48 hours feels like so much to believe in.

I imagine for the first 24 hours every possible way the butterfly will find its way to me. I am in a loop of controlling it, of wanting to make it happen my way. The butterfly will be blue, like the one on Chloe's crib, which we never used. It will come to me this way, this way, this way, this way.

After 24 hours I am impatient. It isn't coming. I have lost my magic. And then the release on the grasp of control of everything I have been trying to control. I surrender. I cry every 10 minutes. I forget about the butterfly and feel myself letting go of control. I know in my head it is an opening but all it feels like post fever, all alone, is the deepest pain. I cry some more.

On the way to bring the boys to school we have to stop at their dad's house to grab their lunchboxes. We walk in and there is a package waiting for me. I urge the boys to hurry so we aren't late and go into the kitchen to open the package.

Inside there is a little blue book. I open to the first page. I cry. Again. (Try ovulating post fever and seriously, the tears!)

I know in my head it is a moth. I asked for a butterfly. I was sent a moth.

Giving up control to faith is the lesson I am here to learn over and over.

I Google... is a butterfly the same as a moth?

My best friend texts me :: hey you've been super quiet and I am worried. i can give you space but this just doesn't feel like you.

I tell her about the moth.

I tell her about the butterfly.

She tells me that she wants me to find softness for myself. She knows that the moth is my butterfly.

And she knows that the butterfly came to me as a moth.

Later that day I am in the coffee shop and run into a girlfriend. I catch her up on my heart, she catches me up on hers.

Then she talks about butterflies.

Doubt. A shit-ton.

Blessed. I am blessed.

In just 48 hours.

Chewbacca

It is 4:50-somethingish.

"Mama."

I feel the heat from his face in my ear. "What baby?"

"I love you."

He kisses my cheek and rolls over back to sleep.

.......

I drop them at the corner of school. The little one has an extra heavy bag to carry and return. The big one jumps out of the van.

"Eli, I am picking you up today. Normal spot."

"OK."

"Eli, please help Lucas, he has that bag."

"OK."

"Eli, are you sure you have your lunch?"

"Yes."

"Please don't run."

"Bye Mom."

"Love you. Bye."

They cross over with the crossing gaurd and I watch Eli break into his usual run with Lucas struggling behind him under the weight of the bag. Eli stops, looks back, pauses. Lucas catches up. Eli breaks into another run as Lucas lags behind again. Stop. Look back. Pause. Catch up. Run.

Repeat.

.......

I learned that the way to get her to talk to me is to drive. I do my best thinking in that van, she does her best talking.

"Mom, did I even tell you the story of why I put her (best friend) in my phone as Chewbacca?"

"I assumed it was an inside joke."

"Kinda. Well no. OK, just, here, this is what happened."

The story weaves in tween style, lots of Okays and ums and oh-waits. I actively listen as I drive.

"Oh my god Mom, do you even know who Chewbacca is????"