That open space. {Making Space for Surrender}

We start: February 1st, 3 emails a week Where: Virtual, wherever you are. How long: 5 weeks. Why: So we can take a deeper breath inside of our lives after the exhale. So we can say yes to that open space.

$49.00  

Surrender: To give yourself up to a new emotion or course or influence. To melt into and open up to...

I was remembering a story about my boys from two years ago. One morning Eli (then 7) asks Lucas (then 4) who he loves more, himself or mama? Lucas being four and his world wrapped around his mother says, "Mama."

Eli then goes into a speech about how you have to love yourself the most. If you love yourself the most then you can love other people. He made a good case to the little one on why loving himself was the first step to mama love. The four year old just glazed over and I teared up.

This child is my little spirit guide in matters of the heart and spirit. He is so much like me. And we both struggle with explosive feelings and deep desires for surrender inside of the struggle that we tend to create for ourselves.

The other night as he was doing his homework he throws down his pencil and whines at me, "Mooooooooooaaaaaaaaaaam. I just can't finish my homework until I organize my chi." And then he asks to meditate. He has grown up watching Avatar and Korra as his source of spirituality and they haven't let us down.

I surrendered and lit the candle and put on the music and watched as his body calmed down inside of his own surrender. I have been feeling like such an unfocused, trying to be all things for everyone mom right now, my chi is pretty unorganized.

This is where we can make space for allowing, releasing and simply being in our now.

Each time I look at my calendar and think about what program I'd like to run there is always a direct connection to where I am. Over the last two years I've worked on creating a ritual, a practice of moving into surrender. And right now I am needing it again. I need to go into my practice, as I will again and again.

We aren't perfect, flawless. We are change. We are beginning and iterating and choosing often at a pace so rapid our nervous systems can't keep up.

Surrender is the slow down. The space. The in between. The forgiveness. The prayer.

Surrender is the intersection between acceptance and change.

As we find ourselves pushing against and fighting what we are feeling, we draw in more of that which we push. We continue to obsess, replay, hear the mind chatter that keeps us stuck. That old story plays over and over and over. We become trapped.

There is an ease when we learn how to embrace surrender. Feeling without fight. Fear and struggle are met with truth and grace. Releasing and allowing feel spectacular with the flow from stuck into surrender. Surrender is an entry point for joy. Surrender can guide you into stillness, moving, creating, acting and flowing.

Surrender is no longer pushing against :: My belly (insert body part of choice or flaw of choice) is so flabby I could never be loved (love myself).

Surrender is no longer playing the same old story :: I have nothing unique to offer the world because I'm not creative, smart, worldly, skinny, beautiful...

Surrender is no longer living in the what-if :: What if I could lose these last 10 pounds, be a size 4, make more money, get my partner to understand, have more time...

Surrender is melting into, opening up, releasing and that moment when you are ready to forgive yourself.

"Hannah's program taught me how to shift my judgements into truths. Practicing this skill has profoundly shifted my thinking, reduced anxiety, and helped me experience greater joy in my everyday life. I highly recommend this program to anyone who is ready to surrender all the messy details of what's holding you back and start walking in the purity of truth." ~ Britta Alexander

Imagine your life if you could move past the stories that hold you in fear and excuses?

Imagine your relationships, your business, your spirit?

Where in your world is there an echo of surrender and what feelings does it leave you with?

Most of us are afraid to shine. We let our fear overtake us so we can’t move forward. We are paralyzed with shame, with trying to seem perfect and doing what is expected rather than what brings us joy.

We have a beautiful truth that wants to be heard. It is clogged by indecision, perfectionism, fear and doubts.

Are you ready to surrender to the struggle?

Would you like to allow and let-go without feeling like you are constantly pushing against and rather start to flow with?

Are you willing to allow grace (love, ease, fluidity, forgiveness, kindness) into that space?

We will release. We will move into our light. It won't be easy but it will bring us closer to the ease we desire each day when we wake.

The How:

• We will work with a weekly theme of moving from the story that is keeping us stuck and locked into fear and into writing our new one.
• Three emails from me each week to support your journey for each of the 5 weeks.
• Prompts with soulwork to take at your own pace
• Videos from me sharing my stories of surrender.
• A FB group where we will come together and share our journey and deepen our support. I will be very present and actively helping to prompt you deeper into your knowing.
• Gentle power, that is how we will enter into surrender, gentle power.

Prep week begins Sunday, February 1st...

 "Hannah has changed the way I breathe." ~ Maria

"Thank you for giving us your all, it allows us to do the same for ourselves." ~ Izabela

"I didn't even realize how far away I had traveled from my passions and joy until Hannah entered my life. What did I do without her?"~ Joanie

"The work you do is magical and impacts so much on the lives of the women that take part… including me." ~ Amy

"I value your words so much, they always speak to my heart. Thank you, I get so tired of reading other people's words all the time but yours are always special." ~ Jackie

Tell me a story.

Tell me a story. Tell me about your tattoos. Tell me the first time you were brave. Tell me about your bones. Tell me about the moment you first screamed 'yes.' Tell me why you love him. Tell me about when you were 18. Tell me about the first time you touched. Tell me why...

The demons of satisfaction.

The alarm goes off at 6:47am and I snooze it twice. The boys finally climb out of bed and I lay there, back aching from being joined in bed by two active sleepers all night. I don't come up the stairs until 7:55am knowing I forgot to set the coffee pot last night. My head aches from the demons that danced around at 1:00am and held onto me whispering of another panic attack.

I am in awe of the beauty that I live in as I go over to the sink filled with dirty dishes and start to scoop the coffee with a large spoon into the filter. Apples and peanut butter for one, cereal for the other. The last cup of caffeine for me, my heart has asked me to stop stimulating it out of rhythm for long enough.

I sip, they put on their uniforms and shoes. This process used to take a good hour with my middle child, the one that would bring me to my knees in tears, the one that is just like me. Now he says that things feel easier and he wants to be helpful. This kid and I know in our hearts that things are easier now, even in the sadness.

8:27am and they put their coats on while I grab my shoes. The little one picks up his bag and says, "Hey, you forgot to lunch me mama." Lunch me? Oh shit, lunches.

I spin into my head. We will be late. He is a better parent than I am. How do I even run a business if I can't remember to make lunches? I have three minutes. My head aches. I want to puke. I am too much. ADD as an adult can weaken the best morning.

Bread. Turkey. They tuck the sandwiches into the lunch boxes, one Batman and one blue stripes. We look at the clock. 8:30am. Three minutes to make the lunches. It feels so easy. They are filled with such love for me I am overflowing.

I pray that I can hold off the panic attack.

8:51am they climb out of the van, tears sting my eyes. I remember her text months ago, half joking (but she really did), "I pray for your satisfaction."

My demons are of satisfaction. The panic attacks are returning when life is threatening more happiness than I know how to hold.

She also said that when I was ready for the love story that it would come. My response was, "FUCK no." My demons are of satisfaction. Love? I get lost in love. I am lonely in love. I'll take the soap opera, the drama, the noise, the chaos, the pain, the pushing, the fight, the sadness. Love.

A few months ago I sent a text. "I think I was put on this earth to love deeper than I understand yet and I pray that some of that love has helped you to heal." Love. My demons are of satisfaction.

I keep drawing in more happiness than I feel entitled to. I have been lonely for as long as I can find memories. I believe I was born with loneliness as my guide. My teacher for the years that I walk this life. I was also born with a joy that feels unmeasurable, each time I laugh I am refilled.

This song plays and I stop. I listen. This is me. I am her.

And you laugh like you've never been lonely That's alright honey That's alright with me Oh you laugh like there's hope in the story That's alright honey That's alright with me Oh you laugh like I'll be there to hold you always Always here I'm always here, always here

And you love like you've always been lonely That's alright honey That's alright with me Oh you love him with all of your body That's alright honey That's alright with me Oh you love him like he'll be there for always Always honey yeah, always near Always honey, always near Always honey, always near

My full moon wish was to pull love towards me through space and stillness, to quiet a mind that creates stories of non-truths as protection. 10:13am I have filled my belly with water, my intuition with each glass.

And you love like you've always been lonely...

Always. Never. Trust. Time. Love.

11:01am. Stillness and words in-between the wake ups, the feedings, the drop offs and pick ups, the feeling like you are always forgetting something, someone.

The in-between craving being held because you know that satisfaction is there.

In the stillness and space of being wrapped in arms of lover and friend. Hands running through your hair, the touch of skin. The words reminding you of your laugh when you hear its sound in your ear.

The part of you that will journey with your loneliness.

And you laugh like you've never been lonely...

The taste of a cigarette.

The taste of a cigarette is a small New England college. The crisp air as we stand outside the theatre doors on break from rehearsal. Smoking a few drags from his cigarette, it tastes like him.

It tastes like the morning cup of coffee in the smoking room where the curtain hung across the doorway catching the smoke from the rest of the house as we would all pile in and start to talk about everything, before Google. It tastes like a time that I visit in my mind when old decorated journals crack open, notes falling out onto the floor, before cell phones.

It tastes like I imagine Mel Gibson tastes if one were to taste him. It tastes like youth never believing that one day forty would be the answer to that question they ask. It tastes like the first boy I ever kissed, sharp and stinging my tongue.

It tastes like an occasional guilty pleasure that buzzes my head as I stand on the deck, phone to ear, listening to her words promising me that I can do this.

It tastes like saying good-bye and road trips in half broken cars and peanut butter and jelly camping trips with them.

It tastes like this new life and remembering the one that brought me here. It tastes like a small New England college where I was began.

......

Join me in Spirits of Joy as writing prompts, such as this one around taste and memory, are added to our vision book creations.

We start on the January Full Moon, the 4th, for 30 days.

Under the stars.

A Holiday Joy Up Gift of Days.

I always smell joy and the excitement in the air, see it in the lights that start to sparkle and taste it in the homemade applesauce simmering away on the stove. I also can feel the stress and sadnesses lingering inside of people's energies during Holiday times. These five days together are about focusing on special moments and making memories. Taking the stress and pressures and flipping them into gratitude, love and joy!

The magic of the twinkles ::

This is a gift of 5 days of love notes and prompts and ideas to support you in a crazy time of year. You can save them or open them daily. We will come together in community over on Instagram and share pictures and thoughts and connection. #theholidayjoyup

Here is my love note to you ::

• I believe you are amazing
• I believe in you connecting to the special
• I believe in the magic of all you are
• I believe in you

A gift of days ::

• From December 23-27th one email each morning
• Simple words and prompts (and even a pie recipe)
• Magic, joy, twinkles
• A grounding, tethering, anchoring during a time when we give and are expected of so much
• Joy because the simple is our ritual and our thoughts change everything

“Hannah has changed the way I breathe.” ~ Maria

“Thank you for giving us your all, it allows us to do the same for ourselves.” ~ Izabela

“I didn’t even realize how far away I had traveled from my passions and joy until Hannah entered my life. What did I do without her?”~ Joanie

“The work you do is magical and impacts so much on the lives of the women that take part… including me.” ~ Amy

“I value your words so much, they always speak to my heart. Thank you, I get so tired of reading other people’s words all the time but yours are always special.” ~ Jackie

“To feel that connection that exists between all of us, everywhere, is so refreshing and joyful.” – Emily

“This time has been wonderful. I met Joy like an old friend coming back into my life. I am really enjoying the visit and hope that she stays.” – Laura

“This has been the most precious of days ♥ !” – Stacy

“Thank you for these days, they will ripple into many more days to come.” – Jenn

“Focusing on joy has allowed me to encourage and old friend and totally change the way I think about situations. I’m usually negative but these past days I have learned to speak the truth in my head out loud instead of letting the negative situations take over. It has been really amazing.” – Rachel

{Spirits of Joy} Under the stars.

When :: January 4th Full Moon, for 30 days of daily morning prompts in your email, around visioning and writing inside of our books Why :: As we start to make what become vision books, powerful shifts start to happen. Parts of our lives that have been stuck, stopped, lost, come alive as we find new places in ourselves that have been longing to come out. These prompts not only become part of our books, but our daily thoughts, and allow our writing practices and businesses and love lives and mothering to expand and gain depth.

How much :: $49.00 for 30 days of prompts and a private Facebook group where we will come together to share each day's soulwork

One night I was on the beach feeling my wildish self. I looked up and I saw the sky filled with more stars than I knew existed. I felt a shift inside of me that came from a year of vision work around happiness and peace in my spirit. The shift was that I could choose to be unstoppably happy. I was aware in my wildish moment, filled with this download, that the choice of this happiness which I had been glueing into my vision books would not look anything like I was trying to force it too.

I knew that choosing my unstoppable happy that night under the stars would mean that living inside of joy would bring all the feelings, and that it was time to dream again.

My dreams come inside of vision pages, the words I write when I can't not and under the stars where the Universe kisses my tears and swirls her knowing in my belly.

I vision to find surprises wrapped into colors and phrases and deep wantings.

I vision because I deserve all of it.

I vision when nothing is making sense and I need to find my guides.

What I will ask of you for these 30 days ::

Make space to be here. Know yourself under the stars. Use these prompts to spend time with yourself. To light up in a new way. To discover a you that may have hidden out, buried by the stresses of daily living and lost dreams.

Create magical pages filled with words and visions and feelings that surround them. As you do this, you harness the vibrations of the Universe. You vibrate in a new way. These books become a way for you to align what you want with what you have. They create manifesting magic in your life.

Prompts each day that will invite you to play, explore, have fun, go deep into your spirits, fly inside of magic and create books that are so beautiful you’ll want to carry them everywhere.

• Color stories
• ‘I am’ which is the prompt that will become a ritual of change and acceptance
• Beautiful dreams
• Wantings
• Desires
• Awakenings
• Words of spirit
• Writing prompts (this is new!)
• Inspired action prompts (yep, this is new too)
• Healing
• Joy
• 30 days of prompts sent to you through your email, filled with story, photos and some videos of me chatting away and answering your questions weekly

Through ritualized vision work we can allow each day to guide us towards living joyously, even (especially) when things are hard or challenges arise.

What will you need ::

A blank journal, I love Moleskine XL Cahier, but anything you love works beautifully. Some magazines. Ask people to start saving them for you. Go to hair salons and offices and ask for their old magazines. Check out libraries for magazine sales. A glue stick. Scissors. Some space and time.

(Bangs optional.)

Prayer for a nervous system.

I got hit with a surprising amount of sadness. Apparently I still want to control when it comes, or fill myself with so many distractions that I have no time for it. Truly I prefer these distractions to the feelings that are so much my nervous system feels like it is shutting down.

All I know to do is go back into my rhythm, my practices of ritual. My prayer.

I wash the dishes. I set the coffee pot. I pour a glass of water and fight myself to drink it.

I get my camera and go in front of the bronze mirror that has become my daily window into photo sessions of a frazzled, worn, confused body.

It is where I am able to allow myself to see the reality of sadness through a lens of compassion. If only for a moment.

My nervous system is holding time with fear and a rise of cellular restructuring so deep inside I can't yet access it.

It feels wrong somehow when it is all so damn hard and so amazing all at once.

Questions of how am I fucking up mix with celebratory decorating of space.

If I live in the gray and the white space who am I?

I want to live inside a glass of water and not make another decision about how I am feeling or who I am hurting or who isn't adoring or who I am too much for or what it all is leading to or how to do that next thing that wants to be born or if it was stupid to put on red lipstick today of all days.

The beauty in my life in my nervous system in my heart is beyond waking into dreams and visions that I knew how to ask for.

And yet the sadness. It pulls itself up and feels like a million stars exploding from my eyes down to my vagina. It feels like pleasure and ache and longing.

The reminder that the laundry is ready to switch to the dryer as the timer goes off and the little feet go running down the hall to be the first one there, quarters tight in their hands.

The wine glass with the stain of my lips lingering as I stir the soup pot.

I sit before the bronze mirror that welcomes me back in ritual of seeing and being seen.

One more time. One more look. One more feel.

(From my Thursday morning love notes, Making Space.)

The revolution will start with a sigh.

I am asked a couple of questions in considerable frequency around contributing to projects for others and then how to ask others to contribute to projects in a non-yucky way. When I received Amy Palko's ask for support around her Revolutionary Lips Blog Tour, it was the most beautiful example of an ask from another woman that I wanted to use it as a teaching moment to help answer that question.

"When I sat down to come up with a list of people who would be my dream hosts for this tour, your name sang out loud and clear! You see, I'm looking for fiercely compassionate, deeply inspiring truthspillers - individuals who lead from their heart, who dance wildly with their shadows, and who exquisitely embody what it means to be fully themselves in this moment and in the next.  So, naturally, I want to extend this invitation to you."

I thought immediately, I dance wildly with my shadows! And I adore Amy and the connection we have through social media. She is my people.

Then I read the poetry. Here is a tiny excerpt...

I feel

I hear

I touch

you.

I lick my lips

with curious tongue

and taste

me.

I separate myself

from you

and go my own way...

That is my language. It is a language that many women have been afraid of, to hear, to speak, to moan.

I felt like Amy wrote those words just for me but I know that the collective of women rising and cheering and owning and claiming is part of that me.

When do we want to use our time and space to support other women in their rising?

When we have a connection, when it is filled with love, when the work they are doing makes our own work sing louder.

When the work they are doing makes our own work sing louder. We lift together. We rise.

The Revolution will start with a sigh.

My first Thai food Thanksgiving.

“When we love, we always strive to become better than we are. When we strive to become better than we are, everything around us becomes better too.” ~ Paulo Coelho

Today is my first Thanksgiving inside of my separation from the man I spent the last 21 years with.

My heart wanted me to run away. To have him take the kids and let me be with just myself.

We decided it was important for us to be together. To still have our family structure which has been my rock for so long intact.

But I couldn't eat turkey or gravy or pumpkin pie. Thanksgiving cooking would be stressful enough but I don't want those flavors to hold memories for my kids of their first Thanksgiving in this newness.

Our favorite food together as a family is Thai food. So I got the intuitive hit to ask my daughter if that would be ok. She was thrilled, she told me she silently squeeled with delight. And my daughter doesn't squeel!

So I picked up the Thai food and put it in the fridge to be heated up later today. I will get ice cream or something yummy for after. We will all watch a movie together. My son still wants mashed potatoes. Fair enough.

We will find our way. I imagine I will cry. It's a daily practice for me now. I am learning to let the tears flow without judging them.

And my gratitude will be for this beautiful family that has allowed me to step inside of my truth and desires and needs while standing in theirs. It is a blessing that will be felt every time I eat Pad Thai.

Why I deleted your comment.

I wake up to a friend talking about her Facebook blog link being reported and removed. It was a gorgeous black and white self portrait of her naked body in the shadows. The photo is incredibly gorgeous and could hang in an art gallery or The Dean Hotel. My friend posts a photo of herself on Instagram nursing her baby and she is left comments that no one would ever say to her face, including asking her why she has an angry face just because she wasn't smiling.

I check my Facebook notifications and someone has left a comment on the photo below that was taken for Sexy and Sanguine asking who else found it 'weird.'

I deleted the comment from the thread. Here is why.

Social media is my living room of sorts. I create it. I decorate it. I decide who walks into it. I pour the wine and put out the cheese and crackers. I invite. I lure. I draw you forth.

When you walk into my living room and are rude I will show you the door. You may leave. It is that simple.

I am not on social media for the purpose of arguing or being insulted. I will not tolerate women bringing other women down. You may have your opinion. You may talk about me behind my back. You may unfriend me or choose not to spend time in my space if you are uncomfortable or just don't need what I put into that space. But you may not be rude to me or anyone in the gorgeous tribe of women I have gathering in my social media living room.

I have blocked people. Unfriended people. It is not a discussion. It is my right.

It is so rare that someone leaves negativity in my virtual space, but when they do it is removed. Fast.

Social media must be safe. My number one job inside of these spaces is to keep them safe for me and those who choose to be with me in virtual space.

I love to trigger. I love to push edges. I am careful about what I post so my photos don't get reported while still walking a line that feels good to me.

I take a lot of pictures of myself. It is a vital piece of my work. I teach women to see themselves through their lens with eyes of compassion and to find themselves each day in the space they are in. I teach sexuality as a practice of self. I teach sensuality as a practice of self. I teach self adoration and allowing others to adore you. I am my subject. Not everyone will want to follow my Instagram feed and see a lot of me. The beauty is they don't have to. Only those who find the message and the sensuality and the prompts I put out inspiring or supportive need stay in my virtual space.

When I step into the vulnerability of posting a photo laying down in the sand with my hands over my breasts staring out at the ocean, paired with words that may be cryptic but hold a huge space in my heart, I may seem weird. Or it may make you uncomfortable to see someone who is a mother and business women live inside of that much freedom around her body.

You don't have to look. You don't have to follow me on social media. Those who do have formed an amazingly warm, loving, lift-you-up circle. Many of the women in my social media circles go on to take my programs and then become friends with one another. I love watching it. I love the shifts. I love the squirm of newness. I love the support.

I do not love or welcome or allow negativity.

I create my life, my business, my happiness. I make it my work each day to be inside of happiness.

My suggestion to my friend who had negativity left on her Instagram account was to delete the comment, not play into it, not discuss it.

I will make sure to post my friend's blog post so it gets as much exposure as possible.

And I will continue to delete negativity from my virtual world. Because it is my living room. And making space beautiful and welcoming and loving is my joy, my heart-song.

Sexy and Sanguine women want.

“I want to sing like the birds sing, not worrying about who hears or what they think.”

~ Rumi

I want to be settled being with myself, allowing loneliness to be a part of my experience of knowing who I am.

I want to fall onto a bed full of the softest pillows and giggle with pleasure, allowing my teeth to show when I smile big.

I want to look you in the eyes without pulling my gaze away, letting my reactions and face be true, and be there as listener, giver, lover, sexy woman piercing you through.

I want rogue ecstasy, story of fantasy and the most beautiful spaces.

I want to feel touch when I feel wrong in my skin, touch in places where I melt. Lower back, feet, scalp, neck...

I want to dance when you play the music of your heart, my fears for no rhythm passing through because your music is my understanding.

I want to open in embrace, false beliefs fading as I guide you in. I want you here.

I want to truly know me, from belly to toes to neck to strength to yearning to sad bits to sanguine moments.

I want to surrender to my fear of having, there may be judgement but I will pray, feel and want.

I want to fly off the cliff into the gentle water, I will never be too high to glide down.

I want to dance and open like the soul dances and opens, the past and future stories written in my today.

I want to be here now, with you, all of you, feeling my female pulse.

I want for you the openess of what stimulates you and the dance of confidence, the sexy woman opening her eyes each morning, painting her beauty by numbers.

There is no wrong. But there is wanting. And you sweet one, you may want and want and want…

(And excerpt from Day 1 of Sexy and Sanguine. Join us here.)

Holiday Visions with Utopian Collection

Holiday Visions with The Utopian Collection's scrumptious holiday collection. December 4th from 7:30pm - 10:00pm

To join and for directions please email me at hello@hannahmarcotti.com

The Utopian Collection is an Eco-friendly line of handbags, accessories, and home art with intentions of infusing art and beauty into your life created and run by one of my dearest friends Chelsae Biggs. Chelsae and I believe in beauty and handmade and unique and joy and wild visioning. Join us for a night of creating holiday vision mobiles while having a chance to do some Holiday gift shopping with one of a kind treasures.

The Loft will be glowing with twinkles and smelling of cinnamon as we gather together to laugh and make and feel the joy.

Collect one of a kind gifts, enjoy delicious snacks, and cozy up in The Loft opening yourself up to set an intention for the holiday season.

All guests will be eligible to win a Utopian gift basket full of self care necessities and Utopian goodies.

I am spirit guide.

I am spirit guide of desirous longing.

I am my name when you speak it as taste, as pleasure.

I am the one that stands in mirrors naked, swollen, wanting.

I am a break down of control over everything.

I am sex I have known for lifetimes, I see it in eyes, in smiles.

I am release in the tease, the touch.

I am flesh that wants you to hold it and heal it and see it.

I am falling into a soul-grinding worship of self.

I am black and white filters and poetry with words that make you blush.

I am spirit guide of you absorbing into yourself, in adoration that makes your heart wild.

I am connected because I ask it of you inside of my sex, what I need to stay inside my own breath.

.......

During Sexy and Sanguine we will play with some found word, sexy poetry using the I am prompt. We will pair the words with photos that we will be taking ourselves and learning to filter and crop for dramatic effect.

During Sexy and Sanguine we will push some edges while staying beautifully safe.

During Sexy and Sanguine we will discover a self adoration that will continue to guide us, as we become spirit guides of our own desirous longings.

We start November 24th, a gentle daily prompt for 4 weeks.

She walks with eyes open.

You may adore me once I've learned to adore myself. Or we will practice together.

I will practice. Eyes open. Holding your gaze. I never look away first.

And you may adore me for those 3 or 5 or 2 seconds.

As you find your adoration for my eyes I will soak it inside, promise myself I deserve this moment. This gift.

I hold my gaze. In the mirror, for my camera. I pause. I find the adoration on the days when I mostly can't breathe, when it is so hard.

Those are the days that my longings are more intense than will find name.

Those are the days I remind myself that my beauty is only growing as my age ticks with the clock.

The young girl who still lingers inside my soul is in awe of the woman now holding her. She was so scared of her own sex. Scent. Heart.

I will walk with eyes open so you may adore me.

When you do I promise to hold you in the gratitude of a goddess, your energy meeting mine. For those seconds that feel like eternity and fear and wildchild.

I will drip wet with my sanguine. And then fade to black and white, orgasm without touch.

I learn to let go and still hold on and let go some more.

And look in your eyes and my own.

*** ***

Sexy and Sanguine Returns.

The parent thing. A marriage separation.

"Did you tell anyone yet?" he asks her while I am in the kitchen making tacos.

"What are you talking about?" in her constant state of annoyance at him.

"About you know, the parent thing."

"Oh, no."

"I did," he whispers, "today, but I think she totally forgot already."

I say from the kitchen, "Hey, I wanted you to know that your best friends know, their parents told them. If you wanted to talk to them."

"About what?" he wants to know.

"About the parent thing."

"Oh cool."

And that was that. Just another layer to what they are trying to understand of the separation of their parents who have spent the last 21 years together. We are all going slowly. No one is falling apart or confused. We have all been somehow knowing this day would come in our souls for about 2 years. Or maybe I just like to tell myself that. But I do believe that how slowly Patrick and I have unravelled our togetherness has been what is keeping us solid.

I love Patrick deeply. He me. We may be choosing to no longer walk together the way we have but both of us view it as a step forward. As movement. And we longed for this movement. Stuck sucks. It hurts everyone that it touches.

For the last few years we have learned so much. We have broken addictive patterns that hurt us. We have learned a new language to communicate. We have been sad and lost and joyful inside the pain.

Two years ago I knew I wasn't happy. I knew he wasn't happy. And for two years I have prayed and prayed and prayed to find the guidance to help me follow the right path towards happiness and thriving together.

I kept thinking I could fix it, make it all better. Change it. Control it. Be OK with it. Then a few months ago I felt a death inside of me. The only way I can explain it is to say that I knew that I was allowed to let what was have its own death so that we could have a beginning. A rise. I had not been willing to let something that was ready to die go. I held on tighter than anyone ever has. My vagina suffered from pain from all the holding. If I let the holding go from the most tender sexual part of my body, if I let the death move through me out of my pelvic floor, I had no choice but to let all that I was holding onto go with the pain.

Two years later we are now restructuring how we are a family, staying guided by only love. It is our only desire inside of our slow twist apart.

There are days when I can't breathe. When my heart feels like it might not make it. When I want to be medicated so I can sleep. I go back to my prayer. And my texts from my friends. And the way my six year old looks at me like I am the most beautiful person on the planet. I know that these kids will find thier own path inside of a change that they cannot control. I feel proud as hell that they are witnessing two parents who are not fighting or filled with hatred but surrending to the choice that love sometimes asks us to make in letting go. So that we can begin.

I am in the place right now of lots of coffee, too little food on a nervous stomach and a flood of faith. I feel happy inside the pain of all of this. I feel this crazy amount of joy because I know that we both can now thrive in ways that I have yet to reach and look at.

My focus now is on finding rhythm for the kids and for ourselves. My gratitude that The Loft is here to wrap us in its cocoon of beauty and pulsing is beyond what I can say. To already have a home to go to that the kids know and love feels like divine planning. Which of course it was.

I am struggling a bit with focus. My work is my lighthouse. The women who circle with me, who lift me when they think it is me lifting them.

The space between is gorgeous and scary. Fear guides my next steps. It forces me to insist on reality and asking for what I want.

My next step is a massive night of visioning. To make a board filled with dreams I haven’t allowed myself because being stuck is nowhere to find dreams. More fear. Believing I deserve the things that play inside my spirit.

I am 40. I am inside of a marriage separating.

Every day lived has been walking me to this moment as every day does for each of us.

I desire safety and a wild edge. I desire heat in my belly, the way tequilla dances inside. I desire peaceful sleep when the time is right. I desire such happiness for our family that is redesigning. I desire to become what I have not been willing to let myself dream.

“Hey babe, give me a kiss, I’m heading to The Loft. Dad will bring you to school tomorrow.”

“OK, can I please have just 30 minutes on my iPod?”

“Yeah. Cool.” And so we begin.

Sexy and Sanguine Returns

What :: 4 weeks of sexy and sanguine soulwork prompts, challenges and explorations

Why :: Confidence is freaking HOT.

When ::  November 24th - December 22nd Registration now closed.

Your rogue ecstasy, your story of fantasy, your beautiful spaces?

Have you embraced the romance of waking up in your skin?

Can you feel the sensuality inside of grey, the rawness of an orange sky, the taste of a kiss full of red wine?

Do you reflect your light in others and draw their curiosity of pleasure into you?

Have you ripened? Have you ripened?

In a past life/future life have you stood in the blossoming of your sexuality with your senses exploding, in the gift of feeling?

And from that self that was or will be can you feel her guiding you?

Are you sexy and sanguine?

Do you feel belly passion?

Can you close your eyes and paint your beauty by numbers?

Is there a knowing in your toes, your ears, your breasts that each piece of you is loved and sacred and on the journey towards whole?

Is there a candle waiting to be lit that is celebrating you, celebrating her, celebrating this gorgeous life that you have claimed?

And where can you whisper ‘oh yes. oh yes. oh yes’?

Let me take you there. To the yes. To the roughness of your edges and the dance of your awakening.

Do you truly know her?

Sexy :: Stimulating. Erotic. Desirable. Appealing. Hot.

Sanguine :: Bloodred. Temperament of cheerfulness. Confidence.

When I was 22 I was out walking with a friend. I had long blonde hair, worked out often, was a champion dieter, known for really good skin and living in Seattle pursuing acting, 2 years away from marriage. My friend said to me, “Whenever we are out I just watch men look at you, turn their heads.”

2 days later I went to a Salon and cut off all my hair. Not in the cute or sexy-declaration-of-myself-as-a-woman way, in the I-don’t-want-to-be-seen way.

It terrified me. My sexual self, at 22, she scared me. I wanted to hide from her. While many 22 year olds were out exploring their sexuality and beauty I found myself wanting to stuff it into a little box and find a hiding place for it. Part of my dieting history had so much to do with not wanting to be seen.

I was terrified of myself. Of my skin. Of my beauty. Of my yes.

This may not have been your 22 year old story. It may have happened after your marriage vows. Or when your first baby made her appearance. Maybe it was a story of a younger age or the fear of turning 50. Or maybe your sexual confidence just slowly faded as the role of young woman turned into wife, mother, worker, nurturer, tender, multi-tasker.

Confidence is alluring, hot, sexy.

Each year many of us choose a guiding word or phrase that will be the feeling we want to draw into our experiences, and it is a powerful practice. When I created this course last year my guiding phrase was gracefully sexy. All to lead me further into hot confidence.

Confidence is gracefully sexy. Managing finances is gracefully sexy. Feeling delicious in your skin is gracefully sexy. Creating healthy boundaries is gracefully sexy.

Sexy and Sanguine Woman know…

• boundaries are beautiful.
• dreams come true from feelings.
• closets are sanctuaries.
• the shade of lipstick that lights them up, or the perfect lipgloss to plump.
• just when breakfast is for dinner and that bubbly can happen anytime, anywhere.
• the part of their body they always hated can actually guide their pleasure.
• pleasure.
• how to hold a gaze.
• how to receive. Really.
• how to stand in front of a mirror naked.
• to kiss and say hello before listing off complaints.
• beauty is in the details.
• how to hold space.
• feeling sexy is inside and out.
• that iterative living is gorgeous.
• how to take risks.
• saying yes is a turn on, after learning to say no.
• that listening changes everything.
• how to follow their animal spirit guide or tarot card into sacred space.
• that hot confidence is a practice.
• how to walk into a room and really see.
• how to ask the questions that flip it all around.
• that hot confidence is fierce magic.
• that an awakening is non-negotiable.

What you’ll need for this course…

• A camera, iphone is great
• Some apps for your picture editing which I'll share with you at start
• A journal to poem and vision in, I love Moleskines
• Some white space, clear the calendar a bit for some sexy and sanguine prompts
• A hot date, with yourself, with a girlfriend or many, with your lover… in celebration

How it will work...

• One prompt a day for 28 days alternating between photo prompts and soulwork prompts
• Guest Photographers sharing some of their tips for taking gorgeously hot photos of ourselves, filters and angles and light and focus :: Lisa Field-Elliot, Kelly Beck Bennett, Catherine Just, Stacy de la Rosa, Danielle Cohen, Misty Pittman
• A FB group where we will gather and share our photos and our soulwork
• An instagram hashtag for online sharing, though those photos will be the more cropped versions ;)
• 4 weeks of learning to feel incredibly sexy in our skin

I created this course last year because I had gained about 25 pounds and was so uncomfortable in my own skin. What I knew was that I had to find myself inside of this discomfort and pain I was carrying. I knew somewhere deep in my gut that I wouldn't be able to move through to even find the pain or source of the holding onto weight until I could look at myself deeply in the eyes and forgive all the years of feeling so wrong, so damaged, so not beautiful.

My practice of taking selfies clothed or naked became my most treasured practice towards finding a compassion for my skin, my spirit, my confidence that was simmering under the surface.

I look at who I am now after a year of this sexy and sanguine guiding soulwork and I am blown away. I have lost 15 pounds through total self adoration. I feel gorgeous in my skin. I take my really bad days and I flip them around by getting infront of my camera.

I made some huge life shifting decisions in this last year that took me from an edge of pain and unknowing into joy and movement.

It was never about the weight but it was about the feeling of stuck, of never being good enough in this body I was given.

I learned to spend time with my belly, the part of my body that gave me the most angst, torture that I had carried since childhood. I photographed my belly, spent time adoring it and let myself lead my sexuality with this part of me that for so long had been hidden as though it was what made me unworthy of love.

I look at the pictures of me now I can't believe I am the same woman. I feel like I have grown new skin. Every part of my cells seem to have changed into something lighter and filled with compassion and adoration for my own eyes.

My invitation to you is to come along for 4 weeks but to know that this journey will last into your year of 2015. It will be the beginning of a practice into deep sexy and sanguine living.

I believe it will change your life. Looking at yourself through the lens, doing the soulwork prompts, letting other women adore you and see you, you will not leave the same woman.

You will leave with your sexy and sanguine in your soul.

Sexy and Sanguine Vision Night

Your rogue ecstasy, your story of fantasy, your beautiful spaces?

Have you embraced the romance of waking up in your skin?

Can you feel the sensuality inside of grey, the rawness of an orange sky, the taste of a kiss full of red wine?

Do you reflect your light in others and draw their curiosity of pleasure into you?

Have you ripened? Have you ripened?

In a past life/future life have you stood in the blossoming of your sexuality with your senses exploding, in the gift of feeling?

And from that self that was or will be can you feel her guiding you?

Are you sexy and sanguine?

Do you feel belly passion?

Can you close your eyes and paint your beauty by numbers?

Is there a knowing in your toes, your ears, your breasts that each piece of you is loved and sacred and on the journey towards whole?

Is there a candle waiting to be lit that is celebrating you, celebrating her, celebrating this gorgeous life that you have claimed?

And where can you whisper ‘oh yes. oh yes. oh yes'?

Let me take you there. To the yes. To the roughness of your edges and the dance of your awakening.

Join me and 15 women as we dive into our vision books with sexy confidence. The prompts will be seductive and the spirits will be bubbly. We will play with texture, glitter, images, words and ribbon. You will vision in your books as well as other surprise places. (I adore surprises.)

We have only 12 2 open spaces remaining for this night of calling forth your sexy and sanguine. The magic and pleasure will swirl. You will leave lit up in ways you start to call forth.

When :: November 21st, 7:30pm - 11pm at The Loft in Pawtucket, RI, Hope Artiste Village

The Loft will provide magazines and vision books (and other surprises) and one delicious Sake Mojito. There will be snacks of savory and sweet, sexy and sanguine. Please bring any extra magazines or spirits you wish to have.

Cost :: $65.00

For anyone traveling from out of town I love The Dean Hotel downtown Providence. About as sexy as hotels get.

Vagina. And heart.

she feels love. she pulses. she gets so angry. she opens and yields. she strengthens. she tears. she cries. she rains. she adores. she feels fear. she knows you. she trusts. she won't let you in. she needs you. she holds your heart. she misses your touch. she wants her spirit truths. she holds all the feelings. she knows what you may be afraid to hear. she will speak it through pleasure and pain.

.......

Join Mara Glatzel and I for a workshop about pleasure and the rise of your sexual self. Your vagina. Your heart. Your home. Your skin. Your beauty. Your wants.

There will be all the feelings, healing and laughter. And some really good food.

In her skin. Nov 15 and 16 at The Loft in Pawtucket, RI. There are 2 spots left. We have suggested the Dean Hotel for those who are traveling as it is awesome.

My dramatic treasures. #part1

Since I was young clothes and accesories have felt like joy to me. Being dramatic is in my blood and bones and I remember dancing around to choreographed and costumed performances (with yellow flowers in hair) of Copacabana. I also never wore a pair of jeans when I was young because they didn't feel right. They didn't move with my body, they were tight and those buttons! The first time I put on a vest (um, yes, they were a thing) I thought my skin was being eaten by it, you could not tear it off fast enough. Learning years later that I was highly sensitive also came along with the invention of the stretch jean. We just get better. I love being covered in rings and bracelets, it grounds me. I feel my best when I have tight leggings and tank tops as my first layer of clothing; in the summer, the only layer I need.

Every Instagram picture with one of my dramatic treasures usually gets the ask of where did you get that. Here are some of those answers.

1. Twisted Whimsy Designs. Phoenix Rising.

2. Super Love Tees. Do all things with love. Or seriously, just get one of each.

3. I found this scarf/wrap (mine was without wool, sensitive to that wool I am) at this Etsy shop, it was one of a kind but they have a similar one in blue that is gorgeous.

4. Teeki. My magical unicorn leggings. Oh yes. Oh yes. Lisa (also a yummy treasure herself) shares my love of all things amazing and sent me a text telling me I must get these leggings. They are so good. High waist. Triangle crotch, I mean, smart. The funkiest patterns ever. The unicorn pattern seems to be a bit hard to find now. You can't see in this photo but two beautiful white unicorns are on the back of the leggings.

5. Raising Unicorns. To go with the magic lifestyle of course.

6. Mermaid on Unicorn. #dramatictreasures

7. All unicorns need metallic tattoos. I get mine here, they sell out from time to time but usually come right back in stock.

8. Marcella Moda. My all time most delicious find. As though she is reading my mind when designing her clothes. As a woman with a belly I need some draping but I love when things are tight. This shirt and most of her clothes are magic for me.

9. You call it utility belt, I call it modern woman's fanny pack. I get stopped in Whole Foods every time with someone wanting to know where I got it. It is that sexy. LeilaMos, totally gorgeous etsy shop.

10. Sea of Wolves Design. Henna style wing print bamboo leggings with high waist. Yum.

11. I have crazy hair. It bends, curls, waves and is straight. So I work with it. My hair routine is so crazy that I won't even tell you, but I get asked all the time what I use. It is this cream and this spray. I am an addict of Trader Joe's conditioner. I wash my hair only 2-3 times a week. The less, the healthier and more crazy it gets. It takes some time to train your hair to not need washing. It has been months and now I can easily let it go. The winter makes me want to condition it a bit more often, without the humidity it can be a bit dry.

12. Warrior shield ring. From Mountain Lust. I am in love with this shop. Follow Taryn on Instagram at mountainlustjewelry and you'll see why. She is gorgeous in all the ways. I needed to call some serious warrior love into my life and somehow found this ring quite accidentally. Or, not. ;)

None of these links are affiliate. Just things I love.

Hearing her say.

she said, you give me hope.

she said, you are adorable.

she said, soul-mate-sister-unicorn.

she said, because I "fell in love" with you, the very first time I discovered you.

she said, i had this strong spirit whisper to email, so i am.

she said, you are so special in a stranger's life more than you know.

she said, because you asked and because your work has stayed in me working it's magic for a year.

she said, woman, you lit me up and i am fullfilled.

she said, you took me from questioning to permission.

she said, i choose myself, in every iteration i am now and will become. i choose.

she said, i feel belonging here that i have not experienced elsewhere..safety and acceptance, and so much love.

she said, i have discovered my sacred yes.

she said, so much of this finds me right now, where i am, perfectly.

she said, i wanted you to know the affect you had on someone you don't even know.

she said, but this. this went deep deep into my heart. in a healing way. i loved every single word.

she said, hell yes. love you to pieces.

........

'she said' is the prompt for my Community Grace course today. I took myself up on my own prompt and opened some of the words that flow towards me and often I am unable to hold. This work is so intimate, so life altering and so simple. There are times when I need to sit down and read the words and ground in the blessings that I receive.

........