After 30 years I drink my coffee black.

[3-5-21]

Dave's parents are vaccinated for Covid. It felt like a deep breath after a long, long waiting game. There is talk that the elementary school will be fully back in person at the end of the month. Two of Lucas' friends have Covid. I am holding my breath again.

I send him out the door to one of two in person school days (his only social contact in life) reminding him to keep his mask on, don't touch his face, use the antibacterial stuff, be safe.

I feel like I don't fit my body and my mind struggles to remember simple things. Seeds for the garden are ready to find their beginnings in the house. I've learned to drink my coffee black. Chloe has been accepted to Mass Art (she was 6 when I began my business). My breasts hurt from ovulating and I am tender, everywhere.

I see the world trying to push back outside and February's depressive hold isn't gone just because a random page turned on a calendar. I choose my favorite mug, fill it with warmth and try to pick one place to begin the day.

Who am I now? Who am I now? Who am I now?

I've been behind walls, I've been safe but so much has taken place inside. I've discovered patience, space, slowing down. I don't push into things like a chaotic beast. I've learned how to let my partner make choices without taking them on or making them personal.

My aesthetic has simplified. My needs have simplified. My pantry is filled with pickles and jams my hands made and I just finished the last carrots from the local farm. My sweet chicken knock on the door with their beaks when they want a treat. I'm letting go of things that weigh me down.

We learned that dust mites were creating my allergies and vertigo. New pillows, bed frame removed, furniture taken down, rug treated (eventually will be removed), linens washed in hot water. Part of my sense of smell is coming back. I don't feel like my head is swimming in as much water.

I never thought I'd drink my coffee black, but I love it. I love the simplicity of it, the heat of it.

My partner Dave has been inside too, becoming new, I am in awe of his motivation to heal, to source compassion, to find new ways of being. Our kids are solid, we've been watching Umbrella Academy as a family, and I love having all 7 of us in a room together. It makes the dogs crazy, they pace and change seats over and over.

I renamed my shop, the name I had planned for when I could turn it into a space outside of my home. Instead of fighting a dream that needed to fly away, I gave it wings. I can create magic inside these walls.

The fear of getting sick is still living in me. Deepest breaths, hold, exhale. Deepest breaths, hold, exhale.

Who am I now? Who I am now? Who am I now?

I keep asking. We all can. Like my little seeds, the most vital growth can happen inside.

Who are you now?

Deepest breaths. Hold. Exhale...