Let me make you a sandwich while I yell in my head.

I'll set the scene.

I've got one ten year old kid (who has been asking me to help him study for days and I keep putting it off) finally sitting down with a printable blank map of the Northeast US, which are not easy to find online if you are me.

I have another thirteen year old kid wrapped in a trauma blanket (weighted blanket) on the sun porch that has no sun, with a humidifier blowing the lamest amount of air, under strict orders to not leave the room.

The first kid who is as highly sensitive as his mama is talking about the lines to write the state names on. They are dotted. Not solid. And too short.

The second kid, who is incredibly sick and hasn't slept in days, snuck his phone into his deprivation chamber of wishful thinking humidity.

I sit down in my meditation chair, the one I like to feel all my calmness in and I am hearing about dotted lines not being long enough and potential meltdown voice is happening and I yell, "Just draw lines down on the bottom. This isn't hard to figure out. Why is this such a thing????" (Do you document the things you are completely ashamed of saying to your kids?)

Kid with the cough comes out and says he still can't sleep. Now, I had done something I don't normally do. I had given him some tylenol PM because he just needed to rest to heal. And it turns out nothing that makes other people sleepy makes him sleepy.

I say words that are like icing on my shit-cake, "Why are you on your phone? You are failing sleeping."

Incase you are skimming, I say to my sick, sick kid, "You are failing sleeping." Yes.

At this point kiddo with the map is crying because this map is seriously making him lose it. Or is it his ridiculously ranting mama?

I just stop.

"You guys, I am so sorry. I can't believe I just lost it on both of you. I think I am exhausted and overwhelmed and I just took it out on you. I am so sorry."

Turns out they still love me.

It gets better. The next day.

.......

The next day.

Up till 2am trying to get the coughing kid to sleep. Back up at 6am to get kids ready for school.

Drive one kid to school half hour away, get home over an hour later and realize it is trash day and the trash is not out.

Take the trash out which involves 5 trips up and down the stairs to the garage, because I have to hold the railing for my knee, so I can't carry much at a time.

I hear Dave, my love, getting in the shower.

In my head a voice starts to yell.

WHAT ELSE DOES EVERYONE EXPECT ME TO DO? MUST BE NICE TO SLEEP IN. LET ME JUST EMPTY THE DISHWASHER WHILE I'M AT IT.

As my cute little voice is yelling inside this head of mine, my sick kiddo says, "Mom, let me do that."

I tell him there is no way I'm letting him do it but how sweet he was for asking. Never fear, still irrational.

Dave comes down and tells me his alarm never went off because the sound machine we are using to drown out the cough noise drained his battery. He asks me what he can do to support me, if I need a hug, how he can help.

I can tell you I do not want a hug.

I can feel myself teetering between the yelling voice that really wants to be let out of her cage and the prayer of kindness that has been my constant this last year.

There is this moment of feeling stuck. Last year I would have let her out of the cage and Dave would have probably provoked her out, that little game of ours. We did not play in kindness.

My newest thing, a question I've been asking is, Where do I fit in this?

In these in-between moments when I want to fall apart, be resentful, unleash irrational anger because I'm overstimulated or exhausted, in these moments, the question.

Where do I fit in this?

I was battling the wildly irrational voice so hard and I was starting to soften. Where do I fit in this?

Answers started to download.

I was incredibly proud of how I was able to wake up without an alarm and go down and get my coffee going so I had two minutes before the other kids woke up. I was incredibly proud and out of my mind happy that I could walk down the stairs with the recycling, a couple weeks ago, my knee would not have allowed it. Also, in two years I've had to take the recycling out like twice. 

I still couldn't find anything nice to say to Dave. I couldn't hug him. I was in it. Deep. Hard. Silent. He was happy and smiling and I was...not.

The kindness Spirit whispered, hey, since you can't say anything nice right now and you realize you just need time to get over it, why don't you do something to show your love.

I went in the kitchen and made Dave a sandwich for lunch. Food is my love language. Dave said later that he was completely blown away that I did that. I told him I was still a while away from saying anything nice, but it was so important to me that he feel it.

Now is the part in the story telling where I start to wonder how I am going to wrap this all up in a nice circular story telling moment AND tell you about my new circle without trying to be pushy or promotey. 

It usually comes with writing a line, erasing it. Writing another, erasing it. Wondering how I can call myself a writer when I make up words and have zero idea how to use punctuation.

I am listening to video game playing in the other room. The coughs are getting slower. I just made a foot bath for my littlest who needed some mama attention. I am writing from my calm chair.

Last year when I decided to try leading a circle for a year, and I knew it would all be created from kindness, what I didn't know is that it was going to lead us all into a conversation of worth.

Kindness was the guide to worthiness. I could not access my shame, my grief, my anger, my WORTH until my curiosity with kindness changed my life. Kindness wants you to heal, to feel, to tell the truth and to be in direct communication with your worth.

Last year I wouldn't have been able to even source a question like, Where do I fit in this? I wouldn't have been able to quickly step back and say I am sorry. I wouldn't have been able to make that damn sandwich, possibly for days, the cycle of anger falling in on itself.

Where do I fit in this?

I've been asking myself this question in relation to how I wanted to hold space for and lead another circle. I loved the year time frame. I missed teaching business. I wanted to lower the price point. I dealt with major doubts last year as I was creating. This year, I am feeling so worthy of showing up, because I can feel myself in my life in a way I never have.

Where do I fit in this? 

What I am calling in this year to hold the circle, to become the guide? 

A few moments have pieced themselves together to become the blueprint for what will become.

The first was from Kristen Bell who talked about God as Ground of Being. You can google the phrase, I did. Mostly I just fell in love with that phrase, Ground of Being. We are beginning in the Root Chakra and this felt like a giant yes!!!!

Then the word integrity has been pulling at me, this might be something that comes up for people once they stop drinking and cease the run on making really truly honestly bad decisions. Often.

I spent some time feeling out if integrity could fit into ground of my being and it was like a puzzle piece that you are sure should fit but doesn't.

(Honestly, I think every single day I couldn't write a book because how would I ever find the words. I'm getting to the nice wrap up, I promise. Almost there.)

Every time I've opened a book or put on a podcast or just scrolled the entire internet to avoid the sadness of sick kids there was a word that popped up. And then this amazing interview where I heard Nadia Bolz-Weber talk about grace. How grace has nothing to do with making our worthiness, it just is. 

And pop. There it was.

Grace of my being.

This year where I fit in to hold this space, to create this container, to make a big ask of you to trust me to do that-this year is the grace of my being. Grace feels as much of a craving as kindness became. 

When I said sorry.
When I let the voice carry on inside of my head.
When I didn't try to make everything OK and pretend.
When I sat down in my calm chair.
When I made the sandwich.
When I wrote this instead of having a pity party.

Grace of my being. 

I believe it is going to be an amazing year together.

If you'd like to learn more, this is where I'll say, thank you, thank you, truly thank you, you can visit this link below.

My Great Big Fantastical Life