Do you have to be? || Notes from therapy

"Do you have to be triggered by that?"

Dave and I have a practice in our relationship. We go to therapy together. It is the single best investment into each other we make.

Couple reasons.

He and I do not speak the same language. We hear totally different things. Our therapist translates for us.

She can hear both of us. There are times when she says things to me and I'm like, "Are we talking about the same person?????" And she very sweetly tells me the truth, how I am hearing things from a place of old hurt rather than hearing/seeing Dave.

She does the same for him. She tells us we are mirrors for the other. She wants me to be more selfish and him to lean deeper into empathy.

The other day we both expressed a BIG BIG trigger that we have from the other. I was crying, a lot. I was feeling all the things and my volume increases when I am emoting all the feelings.

I'm not yelling, Dave feels it as yelling though. I love when I'm able to release the feelings, and admittedly it is loud.

I prefer impassioned. But then. It is released and I feel free.

So historically he can't handle this impassioned side. It triggers the crap out of him.

"Do you have to be triggered by that?"

He pauses.

"Huh. Interesting. Do I have to be triggered by that?"

He thoughtfully sits with that.

Meanwhile, as he softly thinks my insides are dancing. I am so excited I want to jump up.

OMG. She speaks Dave. All this time I'm trying to defend my passionate rants and getting nowhere.

Then we flip it.

There is a certain phrase Dave uses that triggers me because I think that it is manipulative. Not only did we figure out that I was making up a HUGE STORY but guess what?

I don't have to be triggered by that!!!

We both walked out on a different plane of life. Since then our relationship has clicked in a way it hasn't before.

Like we just have these little grooves that I wondered if they would ever fit. I can feel us aligning.

He said now when he is feeling a trigger he asks himself, "What do you think Hannah is feeling right now?"

And I'm trying to make zero assumptions about his motives or words because all of those assumptions are coming from old shit and probably that old stuff wasn't true either.

Also, it makes me act like an ass when I do that. I don't want to play that role anymore.

So, thought I'd lay this down here for you too. Because this matters.

Do you have to be?