Mama turns 15

I found the headshot in a box that my mom gave me. She took on the task of cleaning out the basement Patrick and I shared for 10 years. I am not sure either of us would have done it.

Divorce is hard enough without going through every box of memories you hold with that person. I knew how free he would feel when it was done. I knew how scared I was of those boxes and bins. Gratefully she gave me my past in boxes I could choose to open or wait on.

We did the headshots my Senior year of college. I graduated a semester early and was invested in following my acting dreams. But mostly I followed him. To Seattle.

It was there that something changed inside me. I can't find the remembrance of it, I just know the feeling.

I had my crazy blonde hair, bleached by own hand. I was 21. I was hyper sexual. I was hyper sensual. I was hyper sensitive.

He said to me right before we settled into our soft separation, "I always thought that when we were together I wasn't a jealous person. I realize now that you never did anything to make me jealous. Ever."

And it was true. I knew that he had that part of him, he had told me stories. We were both so young and all the things we didn't know or understood came through as fear.

I knew I was strongly attracted to other people, almost always. I just have that about me. 

I didn't need to act on an attraction or a turn on sexually, I just lived inside that vibration, but what I became terrified of was that I no longer felt I could be me inside of that attraction.

For me it was energy. Connection. When we are turned on by life, by people, by the sensory pleasure of food or touch or words or the softness of fabric that infuses into how we show up.

I did make sure he was never jealous. I felt the need to protect him from my essence. To change. To become without understanding what was happening.

The day my friend pointed out the men walking down the street past us admiring me I walked into the salon and cut off my hair. All of it.

It wasn't until the day I felt my awakening that she came back to me. The one who held a sensual desire for life. The one who was brave. The one who would push edges. The one who felt her sexuality infuse in her spirit. 

The one who wanted her hair back.

My mama name turns 15 today. He and I made beautiful babies. They are even more amazing kids. He said, "Through many failures we have succeeded in many ways. We have great kids. I love them. They wouldn't be them without you. Thanks for being you. Thanks for being a great mother to our kids."

It wasn't his doing that I chose to shut down parts of myself. I chose it. It was the safe option. 

And it stripped me of my freedom inside of love.

When you have kids anything you have done to create that safety rises up and asks of you over and over to shed what isn't yours.

Over the years all of our safety vanished. There was no more.

We were stripped down.

And I found her again. Just like that photo in the box. 

When I met Dave I made a soul contract with myself that I would always and forever be inside of love with every truth, the ugly ones and the beautiful ones.

He is lit up by my turned on living. He is turned on when I am lit up. 

Living in this is a devotional to life love safety freedom joy surrender truth faith softness risk sensuality sanguine.

I can't believe she is 15.

Here we are. 

We made it. He is better. I am better. We are better.

15 years ago there she was, in my arms.

I will honor her for always by living this life the only way possible.

In all of me. Fully in. 

Turned on. Lit up. And for now, with a lot of blonde hair.

I set myself free.

And now we are amazing.

Happy Birthday Chloe Rane.

I can't wait to see who you become too.