Being Mama || A pay what feels good program
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{Being mama}
A 20 day practice in nurturing attachments, making home and becoming all the love.
When :: April 1-20
Cost :: Pay what feels good.
The four of them pile into the car and I hear them talking about planning a camping trip after their hike. The little voices are telling of how they want to rough it and bring only basic needs.
"I need to bring an apple though, can I bring an apple?"
"Oh totally, we should all bring apples."
"I want pistachios, can I have pistachios?"
"OK, pistachios and apples, but the rest we hunt for."
"Tacos. I am totally bringing tacos."
Being mama is the drives to camp, the wiping of tears, the band-aids, the stories, the amazement.
Being mama is the creation of a vibration of self turned into another. And becomes the setting of love.
We went out for dinner on the one year anniversary of our first date. He told me what surprised him the most about me was that I was like a Mother Earth, that my mothering and nurturing were my superpowers. He said that it wasn't just the way I mothered our kids, it was the way I mothered everyone. How deeply important taking care of people was to me, how it made me who I was.
All I ever wanted was to be a mama. To have a big family. To learn how to love inside of nurture, attachment and freedom.
When I met him I had healed so much inside of me that allowed my mothering to flow again in the ways that brought me and the kids alive. When we are lost, our mothering can become strained and broken.
When I met him I had found that place again, the one that could see myself through his eyes, and know that I was once again being mama.
Being mama was not what I expected. It lifted me up, shook me out, challenged my knowledge of who I was.
Being mama is a journey I am constantly learning, adjusting and in awe of.
I fell to my knees crying in the kitchen. The kind of cry that rips you out from the inside and the noises primal and aching. The child who had challenged me for years mixed with the heartbreak inside of a marriage threatening to fall apart left me yelling and losing it. A mother lost. A woman longing for herself to come back. The result, pain and screams and melt downs and anger.
He came into the kitchen. He told me the truth. That the mother I had always longed to be, the mama that was born inside of me, was no longer there. I was lost. She was lost. What was left in her place was someone who had no idea who she was or what steps to take next.
And her heart was ripping. And on the kitchen floor, filled with sobs that became prayer she knew that all she ever wanted was to be mama. And she would do everything she could to find her way back to joy so she could adore once again being mama.
Being mama is becoming empathy for the one who will crack open as she is no longer just herself.
Being mama is finding our woman-self who will rise inside of the mama and love deep, hard, strong.
As I was learning to parent in a home as the only adult, we would have mac and cheese night when they would return to me from their dad's house. I would set the table with candles and use our beautiful blue platter with a little chip in it to serve. I could feel myself growing back into the mama I used to be. Inside of magical rituals. Waking the kids up with dance parties. Adventuring on road trips. Reading The Alchemist in the big bed together. Playing best thing/worst thing. Creating chore charts. Laughing after the lights go out and meditating to avoid homework.
Being mama was now led by pure joy, even inside of the devastating loss of a marriage. The middle one, the one who had brought me to my knees on the kitchen floor put his arm around me one day and said, "Mama, we are better now. I can feel it."
Within a year his melt downs and the anger that was inside of him started to ease. Being mama is believing that when we are our amazing woman-selves, we can create practices and attachments and the love that allows them to become completely themselves.
That is the beautiful work of being mama.
The stories, the learning, the play, the failures, the tantrums, the snuggles - all are being mama.
"Dear moon, when I splash the water on me could I please be able to fly?"
Their favorite rituals are around the moon. Full moon magical water, their crystals soaking up the energy and the little love notes. One of my boys always knows the night before a Full Moon, his body becomes wired and alive and he will feel sleepless.
"Mooooooooooommmmm, is it a Full Moon, my body is so crazy right now?"
They make New Moon wishes around the fire. Hang their wishes on the Dear Universe tree. The rituals and ceremonies and celebrations that allow me to infuse myself with my spirit gift them with honoring their rhythms and feel deep gratitude for their choices and feelings.
Each week we find a reason to have a celebration. These days it is celebrating on Thursday nights when my love returns to us for the weekend from his work in the city. They blow up balloons, plan dinner and cook it, pick out a dessert (because dessert).
What I have learned from the other mamas in my life is invaluable. They have taught me how to make home, to deal with transitions (especially now with parenting after divorce), to handle a tantrum that lasts for hours, to make the every day special, to celebrate just because.
Being mama is the inspiration and connection to the tribe of mamas who circle us, teach us, become the everyday shamans of nurture.
Being mama is creating the simplest bits of magic for our little ones and creating beauty in tiny corners and moments.
The five little ones called a family meeting. I gave them each an ice cream cone, knowing that when our mouths are distracted just a bit, we listen that much better.
One wanted to talk about how he feels like his brother is being a bit mean to him and it is hurting his feelings. Another wanted to talk about getting positive attention rather than negative attention. And then there was the one who wanted to make us all laugh because she so loves when we all laugh.
I told them I was starting to feel like a maid, that I needed more support around the house to keep things in rhythm.
"Well, mom, here is the thing. You feel like a maid because you walk around cleaning up after us, picking up every little thing. If you stop doing that, you might not feel like such a maid."
Wisdom from the babes.
"So I think you are right. Who will be cleaning up then if I stop being one step behind you?"
"Um, usssssssss I guess..." (And then he emptied the dishwasher in full amazement that I do that every day...)
Being mama is intuition, open hearts and ice-cream-cone wisdom.
Being mama is learning to guide them in picking up their banana peel and returning their shoes to the shoe corner and leaving the lunch box on the counter each day after school, especially when it is so much easier to just do it ourselves.
This year I will turn 43.
Often I still wonder when I will grow up. And how I got here.
The three pregnancies I lost before my daughter was born. The colic she had for months as we learned to become parents inside of the chaos of a little body struggling to find peace. The decision to stay home with her and learn how to eventually create my own business. The surprise baby years later.
Co-parenting with their dad who supports my new life and theirs as he stepped into his. Witnessing the way he has dealt with his grief and is creating space for surprises and joy for all of them.
Co-parenting with my love, who we manifested into our life. The man who teaches us so much and gives us play and adoration and safety. Kids who call each other 'bonus siblings' as we blend our families together inside of our love. We are in awe of how blessed we are and the gems of wisdom these kids are teaching us about ourselves.
Watching them grow and change, learn to swim, have a first girl (or boy) friend, honor their needs while creating boundaries.
My love calls the moments we are inside of with these little ones, the stories of our lives. We are trying to write them down, record them, honor them, hold them tight as days pass and more are written.
Being mama is letting go of expectation of what it will all look like or feel like or become because there is no way we could ever have known how hard, how much love, how all of it will unfold.
Being mama is the wonder and magic of time and tooth fairies and endless laundry piles and all the stories that become memories to anchor us together.
20 days of practices and stories and a circle of mamas
- the magic of ritual
- the woman-self inside the mama
- making home
- every day celebrations
- the love language of food
- sensuality of being a mama
- deep truths of the struggles
- prayer as morning coffee
- who are you now
- the woman that came before the mama
- sibling dynamics
- rhythms that flip it all around
- tribe support
- healing our hearts
- story prompts
- playful creativity
- photos that capture the stories of our lives
- mamas nurturing mamas
- beauty in the everyday
- honoring our needs and desires
- all the magic and joy and gifts of being mama
Each day for 20 days
- a morning prompt will arrive in your email inbox
- a private Facebook group will hold all the mamas in our tribe
- we will share the stories of our lives through words, photos and deep truths
- support from other mamas in every space of life
- the village of mamas to lift, witness, inspire, hold, adore and inspire you
- a virtual tribe swirling with all the magic of being mama
A 20 day practice in nurturing attachments, making home and becoming all the love.
When :: April 1-20
Cost :: Pay what feels good
