Super triggered by another mom.

(photo by ruth, tattoo available now on her site)

When I am inside of marketing a program it doesn't look like a business plan or strategy.

It is intuition meets drive meets mama life meets procrastination meets find that sticky note with that idea meets laying in bed for hours writing a newsletter in my head meets too much time on Pinterest as favorite form of procrastination meets prayer meets faith meets I want to quit meets what the hell am I doing meets I am so blessed meets pull the covers over my head and cry meets do it and don't stop meets am I a fraud meets I can't believe I get to do this work and circle with these women who change my life.

I have a strong suspicion having a linear plan outlined on a clipboard with specific dates and strategies and everything all ready to go would possibly be easier.

Maybe that is a question. I don't know.

That isn't me and I accepted years ago that if I was going to do this work for myself gig I was going to need to stop trying to be someone else. Embrace my super powers of procrastination and intuition and compassion and find the magic in it.

.......

I stumbled on a mom in the midst of a launch for a business circle. I typically don't go near any marketing or copy or sales from others doing similar work so that I don't compare myself or get all weird wonky brain talk that pulls me out of my own space.

But this is a woman I adore and I was curious how the transition into motherhood was going and I also was having that moment of oh shit...this is kind of like my circle on steroids with a marketing team and branding team and tech team and major clipboard strategies.

Cue self doubt. Cue fear. Cue all the feelings I shouldn't be feeling because I shouldn't be sitting here watching this and can't stop myself. (Tip :: the word should/shouldn't is an incredibly powerful negative word and thought choice.)

And then I heard her say something. Words that triggered the hell out of me.

"This has never been taught this way before."

All of these words about how nothing like this exists anywhere else and on and on about how this is the only place where you will get this and learn this and revolutionary ideas on yada yada.

My heart sank.

First it sank because I was disappointed that marketing like this is inside of our female culture of women circling and creating soul businesses.

It sank because I had this moment of just wishing that honesty in marketing was better than that.

And I suppose it sank because I knew that those words were working. I knew that the branding, the weaving of words and photos and the beautifully designed sales plan were bringing in hundreds of women.

I'm happy that those women are finding a place to land to be supported and to be given solid information and nurture.

I'm also triggered by the notion that no one else is doing this, no one else is teaching this, no one else is thinking this, no one else ever had this thought marketing strategy works.

It pisses me off. I'm annoyed by it. I don't want to be triggered by it, and yet, I am.

When I went to school the marketing taught to us was pretty much this kind of thing. Position yourself as the expert on something, no matter what, and sell yourself as the expert.

It felt dirty. It felt wrong. It felt dishonest. And it pissed me off. Triggered me.

I do wallow in my triggered feelings long enough to text my friends or rant to someone.

Then I flip the feelings around. I don't like feeling triggered or judgmental. It makes me feel like an asshole.

Why am I triggered? What does this mean for me? What can I take from feeling this way and turn it around into something powerful?

I ask myself a bunch of questions. I have a little communing with my higher self. 

That kind of marketing sells. And it is OK that it sells.

Just because it works doesn't mean that I have to believe in it.

Just because someone I adore happens to use it in her marketing doesn't mean that she is a bad human. It means she is crazy good at making money in a style that feels good to her brand.

.......

I know a woman who has studied with some of the most powerful healers/shamans/teachers/mothers/I don't know who else but like amazing humans.

This friend is someone that others can want to put on a pedestal. She has women who hold her as their guru as she teaches from Spirit in a way that each of us can access no matter what our past.

And this woman is student and teacher, gathering knowledge as she shares it. This woman speaks of what she teaches as old wisdom that is past down from generation to generation and how blessed she is to have been given the wisdom to now teach in her own way, through her unique gifts and the reach that we now have as women in this time of technology.

I am in awe of her.

I learn from her magic and allow it to infuse my magic.

This is an incredible gift.

I don't want to be an expert, I want to share my magic so that you may infuse your magic.

.......

My mother self is a collection of the wisdom from my mother, our mothers, the mothers who raised babies alongside me, the mothers who circle with me, the mothers who are brave enough to truth speak and live in the vulnerability of often having no idea what we are doing while being guided by the intuition of Earth, Spirit, Universe, God, Joy, Love.

She is who she is from the fathers, the men, the children, the lovers, the guides, the friends who have taught her and loved her and supported her.

My teacher self is that same collection. 

All I know is the infusion of the collection of time and trust and love that now breathes through me and becomes my own.

I call it magic. If feels like magic. I honor it as magic through the work I bring to my circles.

As teacher I am gifted in deepening my knowledge and understanding and desire for wanting to understand more and more and more.

.......

All this to say, it probably would be easier with a team and a strategy and a design plan and I don't know that those are things I want.

I love this life. I love what I've created. I love sharing it. I love screwing up and learning from it. 

I woke this morning to an email from a woman who has been in community with me for a long time.

(I'll tell you a secret. Every time I get an email from someone in my community before I read the words my first thought is always that I am terrified that I'll be told what is wrong with me or how they don't like me or the work. Every time. Nine years in. Imagine why email scares the shit out of me. I'm working on it.)

In the email she took me back to before my divorce. To the choices I've made. To how she has witnessed and walked beside me. She mentioned moments and pictures of my magic that have infused into her magic.

And then the words that came just in time for me to receive as I am gearing up for the rollercoaster ride of the week before a program begins and all the emotions that come with that.

I am truly proud of the way you have woven your life into what it is today. I see you and I honour your strength and your courage.

I see the beauty you have crafted.

.......

I see the beauty you have crafted. 

This beauty.

This beauty is why as women we circle to bleed with the moon, to craft meals to feed our family, to explore sacred sexuality with ourselves and our lovers, to consciously partner in love and family, to feel intuition as rhythm and ritual, to truth speak when we want to run, to craft a life that is Spirit filled with our magic.

Eli (my 12 year old) just came upstairs and wrapped his arms around me and said, "You are so cute, I'm so proud of you."

It is possible my love Dave might have told them I am working hard to provide for our family and how proud he is of me.

This beauty weaves deep.

Dave thanks me for guiding him and walking alongside him as he discovers ways to heal and become aligned to his integrity and devotion to our love our children our life that is precious in its beauty.

I believe in magic.
I believe in choosing to create a business that empowers women while empowering myself as provider and nurturer of my family.
I believe in the beauty.

.......

This week will be stressful. It will be filled with surprise love. It will be late nights choosing words. It will be doubt and fear mixed with procrastination.

This week will model for my kids how to take faith and wisdom and magic and bring them to life while cooking dinner, checking homework, grabbing 20 minutes to do yoga, starting my bleed (oh the timing), driving to and from schools, finishing up Halloween costumes and studying for Latin tests.

This week will be surrendering to help from Dave which is a deeper learning and trust for me. He will show up with faith in me and the work in a way that I may struggle to feel. He will tell me I am beautiful and brilliant and how he can't believe I chose him.

This week will start with me burning last night's dinner left overs because I got lost in writing these words and having my daughter get annoyed by me doing that and then having a poor parenting moment because she was mad at me.

This week will be only one trip to the grocery store with a well crafted meal plan, including already roasted chicken, so that my time is in abundance. The kids have already come into my office 4 times now asking when we can go shop.

This week. Oh, this week.

This week will be crafted beauty. 

.......

I just found a clipboard with a checklist our 9 year old made for our day today as Dave and I were talking through how to meet each person's needs today. It simply had each child's name on it with a box next to each for checking off.

Our own unique magic. That is why we do this together.