images in the mirror. and dead hamsters.
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“By letting it go it all gets done. The world is won by those who let it go. But when you try and try. The world is beyond the winning.”
~ Lao Tzu
i remember standing in the pet store watching them for almost an hour the hamsters running and sleeping and wondering how long they live and what gender should i get and did my boys seriously have to ask santa for a hamster...and then i saw her and she looked like the loft her colors and softness even the way she moved and held herself...and i knew she was ours...mine...she belonged...
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on the phone with the insurance provider on the phone with the cable company on the phone with the dentist on the phone with middle school on the phone with changes and heartbreak and the sweetest women and empowerment and sadness and fear...i bribe myself with a bloody mary...i bribe myself to keep going...
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she built a big nest and buried herself belly up which we knew to be hibernation...i move her cage downstairs and we wait...then i go down to put our laundry away and the smell of death is inside of me nothing i can do to pull it out...
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i have been hibernating so tired i can barely do the dishes the laundry the basic rituals that keep time in my life that make me feel proud and mothering and nurturing and providing...i don't want to know she is dead so i put her outside and pray that someone will take care of me shake me hold me look at me promise me that they won't let me sleep much longer...
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looking in the mirror i see my face has changed these last few months i almost don't recognize who is looking back...i am swirling spinning falling scared as hell...please fucking wake me up...wake me up...
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i am scared that i am pushing away...i am too proud to ask for what i need...i am shutting down and opening back up and remembering why i chose this remembering why why why why why...afraid they are mad at me because i just don't have the energy to belong right now... afraid he will not want to hold me during this afraid he forgot that we are family that they are my family now too and all i want is to take care of them now no matter how scared i am...
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when they go to school i scoop her out of the cage and she is so peaceful that i have to stare at her little fluffy softness in awe of a transition in time of a transition without pain of a transition that we can't control of a transition that is metaphor and i want to wake up now...
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and it fucking hurts...
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i can and will and we will bury her this weekend at the magic lake house that feels like home and family and i love that i chose her she chose me we had time to love her...love...as i open my eyes and feel all of it...
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