Holiday Visions with The Utopian Collection’s scrumptious holiday collection.

December 4th from 7:30pm – 10:00pm

$10.00 donation for snacks and wine and visioning mobile supplies
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chelsae buddha

The Utopian Collection is an Eco-friendly line of handbags, accessories, and home art with intentions of infusing art and beauty into your life created and run by one of my dearest friends Chelsae Biggs. Chelsae and I believe in beauty and handmade and unique and joy and wild visioning. Join us for a night of creating holiday vision mobiles while having a chance to do some Holiday gift shopping with one of a kind treasures.

The Loft will be glowing with twinkles and smelling of cinnamon as we gather together to laugh and make and feel the joy.

Collect one of a kind gifts, enjoy delicious snacks, and cozy up in The Loft opening yourself up to set an intention for the holiday season.

chelsae canoe

All guests will be eligible to win a Utopian gift basket full of self care necessities and Utopian goodies.

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I am spirit guide.

November 19, 2014

green mirror bwblurred

I am spirit guide of desirous longing.

I am my name when you speak it as taste, as pleasure.

I am the one that stands in mirrors naked, swollen, wanting.

I am a break down of control over everything.

I am sex I have known for lifetimes, I see it in eyes, in smiles.

I am release in the tease, the touch.

I am flesh that wants you to hold it and heal it and see it.

I am falling into a soul-grinding worship of self.

I am black and white filters and poetry with words that make you blush.

I am spirit guide of you absorbing into yourself, in adoration that makes your heart wild.

I am connected because I ask it of you inside of my sex, what I need to stay inside my own breath.

blue mirror grange bw

…….

During Sexy and Sanguine we will play with some found word, sexy poetry using the I am prompt. We will pair the words with photos that we will be taking ourselves and learning to filter and crop for dramatic effect.

During Sexy and Sanguine we will push some edges while staying beautifully safe.

During Sexy and Sanguine we will discover a self adoration that will continue to guide us, as we become spirit guides of our own desirous longings.

We start November 24th, a gentle daily prompt for 4 weeks.

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She walks with eyes open.

November 7, 2014

hannahheadbackmirror

You may adore me once I’ve learned to adore myself. Or we will practice together.

I will practice. Eyes open. Holding your gaze. I never look away first.

And you may adore me for those 3 or 5 or 2 seconds.

As you find your adoration for my eyes I will soak it inside, promise myself I deserve this moment. This gift.

I hold my gaze. In the mirror, for my camera. I pause. I find the adoration on the days when I mostly can’t breathe, when it is so hard.

Those are the days that my longings are more intense than will find name.

Those are the days I remind myself that my beauty is only growing as my age ticks with the clock.

The young girl who still lingers inside my soul is in awe of the woman now holding her. She was so scared of her own sex. Scent. Heart.

I will walk with eyes open so you may adore me.

When you do I promise to hold you in the gratitude of a goddess, your energy meeting mine. For those seconds that feel like eternity and fear and wildchild.

I will drip wet with my sanguine. And then fade to black and white, orgasm without touch.

I learn to let go and still hold on and let go some more.

And look in your eyes and my own.

*** ***

Sexy and Sanguine Returns.

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hands star

“Did you tell anyone yet?” he asks her while I am in the kitchen making tacos.

“What are you talking about?” in her constant state of annoyance at him.

“About you know, the parent thing.”

“Oh, no.”

“I did,” he whispers, “today, but I think she totally forgot already.”

I say from the kitchen, “Hey, I wanted you to know that your best friends know, their parents told them. If you wanted to talk to them.”

“About what?” he wants to know.

“About the parent thing.”

“Oh cool.”

And that was that. Just another layer to what they are trying to understand of the separation of their parents who have spent the last 21 years together. We are all going slowly. No one is falling apart or confused. We have all been somehow knowing this day would come in our souls for about 2 years. Or maybe I just like to tell myself that. But I do believe that how slowly Patrick and I have unravelled our togetherness has been what is keeping us solid.

I love Patrick deeply. He me. We may be choosing to no longer walk together the way we have but both of us view it as a step forward. As movement. And we longed for this movement. Stuck sucks. It hurts everyone that it touches.

For the last few years we have learned so much. We have broken addictive patterns that hurt us. We have learned a new language to communicate. We have been sad and lost and joyful inside the pain.

Two years ago I knew I wasn’t happy. I knew he wasn’t happy. And for two years I have prayed and prayed and prayed to find the guidance to help me follow the right path towards happiness and thriving together.

I kept thinking I could fix it, make it all better. Change it. Control it. Be OK with it. Then a few months ago I felt a death inside of me. The only way I can explain it is to say that I knew that I was allowed to let what was have its own death so that we could have a beginning. A rise. I had not been willing to let something that was ready to die go. I held on tighter than anyone ever has. My vagina suffered from pain from all the holding. If I let the holding go from the most tender sexual part of my body, if I let the death move through me out of my pelvic floor, I had no choice but to let all that I was holding onto go with the pain.

Two years later we are now restructuring how we are a family, staying guided by only love. It is our only desire inside of our slow twist apart.

There are days when I can’t breathe. When my heart feels like it might not make it. When I want to be medicated so I can sleep. I go back to my prayer. And my texts from my friends. And the way my six year old looks at me like I am the most beautiful person on the planet. I know that these kids will find thier own path inside of a change that they cannot control. I feel proud as hell that they are witnessing two parents who are not fighting or filled with hatred but surrending to the choice that love sometimes asks us to make in letting go. So that we can begin.

I am in the place right now of lots of coffee, too little food on a nervous stomach and a flood of faith. I feel happy inside the pain of all of this. I feel this crazy amount of joy because I know that we both can now thrive in ways that I have yet to reach and look at.

My focus now is on finding rhythm for the kids and for ourselves. My gratitude that The Loft is here to wrap us in its cocoon of beauty and pulsing is beyond what I can say. To already have a home to go to that the kids know and love feels like divine planning. Which of course it was.

I am struggling a bit with focus. My work is my lighthouse. The women who circle with me, who lift me when they think it is me lifting them.

The space between is gorgeous and scary. Fear guides my next steps. It forces me to insist on reality and asking for what I want.

My next step is a massive night of visioning. To make a board filled with dreams I haven’t allowed myself because being stuck is nowhere to find dreams. More fear. Believing I deserve the things that play inside my spirit.

I am 40. I am inside of a marriage separating.

Every day lived has been walking me to this moment as every day does for each of us.

I desire safety and a wild edge. I desire heat in my belly, the way tequilla dances inside. I desire peaceful sleep when the time is right. I desire such happiness for our family that is redesigning. I desire to become what I have not been willing to let myself dream.

“Hey babe, give me a kiss, I’m heading to The Loft. Dad will bring you to school tomorrow.”

“OK, can I please have just 30 minutes on my iPod?”

“Yeah. Cool.” And so we begin.

 

 

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Sexy and Sanguine Returns

November 3, 2014

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What :: 4 weeks of sexy and sanguine soulwork prompts, challenges and explorations

Why :: Confidence is freaking HOT.

When ::  November 24th – December 22nd

$79.00 Add to Cart

Your rogue ecstasy, your story of fantasy, your beautiful spaces?

Have you embraced the romance of waking up in your skin?

Can you feel the sensuality inside of grey, the rawness of an orange sky, the taste of a kiss full of red wine?

Do you reflect your light in others and draw their curiosity of pleasure into you?

Have you ripened? Have you ripened?

In a past life/future life have you stood in the blossoming of your sexuality with your senses exploding, in the gift of feeling?

And from that self that was or will be can you feel her guiding you?

Are you sexy and sanguine?

Do you feel belly passion?

Can you close your eyes and paint your beauty by numbers?

Is there a knowing in your toes, your ears, your breasts that each piece of you is loved and sacred and on the journey towards whole?

Is there a candle waiting to be lit that is celebrating you, celebrating her, celebrating this gorgeous life that you have claimed?

And where can you whisper ‘oh yes. oh yes. oh yes’?

Let me take you there. To the yes. To the roughness of your edges and the dance of your awakening.

Do you truly know her?

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Sexy :: Stimulating. Erotic. Desirable. Appealing. Hot.

Sanguine :: Bloodred. Temperament of cheerfulness. Confidence.

When I was 22 I was out walking with a friend. I had long blonde hair, worked out often, was a champion dieter, known for really good skin and living in Seattle pursuing acting, 2 years away from marriage. My friend said to me, “Whenever we are out I just watch men look at you, turn their heads.”

2 days later I went to a Salon and cut off all my hair. Not in the cute or sexy-declaration-of-myself-as-a-woman way, in the I-don’t-want-to-be-seen way.

It terrified me. My sexual self, at 22, she scared me. I wanted to hide from her. While many 22 year olds were out exploring their sexuality and beauty I found myself wanting to stuff it into a little box and find a hiding place for it. Part of my dieting history had so much to do with not wanting to be seen.

I was terrified of myself. Of my skin. Of my beauty. Of my yes.

This may not have been your 22 year old story. It may have happened after your marriage vows. Or when your first baby made her appearance. Maybe it was a story of a younger age or the fear of turning 50. Or maybe your sexual confidence just slowly faded as the role of young woman turned into wife, mother, worker, nurturer, tender, multi-tasker.

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Confidence is alluring, hot, sexy.

Each year many of us choose a guiding word or phrase that will be the feeling we want to draw into our experiences, and it is a powerful practice. When I created this course last year my guiding phrase was gracefully sexy. All to lead me further into hot confidence.

Confidence is gracefully sexy. Managing finances is gracefully sexy. Feeling delicious in your skin is gracefully sexy. Creating healthy boundaries is gracefully sexy.

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Sexy and Sanguine Woman know…

  • boundaries are beautiful.
  • dreams come true from feelings.
  • closets are sanctuaries.
  • the shade of lipstick that lights them up, or the perfect lipgloss to plump.
  • just when breakfast is for dinner and that bubbly can happen anytime, anywhere.
  • the part of their body they always hated can actually guide their pleasure.
  • pleasure.
  • how to hold a gaze.
  • how to receive. Really.
  • how to stand in front of a mirror naked.
  • to kiss and say hello before listing off complaints.
  • beauty is in the details.
  • how to hold space.
  • feeling sexy is inside and out.
  • that iterative living is gorgeous.
  • how to take risks.
  • saying yes is a turn on, after learning to say no.
  • that listening changes everything.
  • how to follow their animal spirit guide or tarot card into sacred space.
  • that hot confidence is a practice.
  • how to walk into a room and really see.
  • how to ask the questions that flip it all around.
  • that hot confidence is fierce magic.
  • that an awakening is non-negotiable.

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What you’ll need for this course…

  • A camera, iphone is great
  • Some apps for your picture editing which I’ll share with you at start
  • A journal to poem and vision in, I love Moleskines
  • Some white space, clear the calendar a bit for some sexy and sanguine prompts
  • A hot date, with yourself, with a girlfriend or many, with your lover… in celebration

How it will work…

  • One prompt a day for 28 days alternating between photo prompts and soulwork prompts
  • Guest Photographers sharing some of their tips for taking gorgeously hot photos of ourselves, filters and angles and light and focus :: Lisa Field-Elliot, Kelly Beck Bennett, Catherine Just, Stacy de la Rosa, Danielle Cohen, Misty Pittman
  • A FB group where we will gather and share our photos and our soulwork
  • An instagram hashtag for online sharing, though those photos will be the more cropped versions ;)
  • 4 weeks of learning to feel incredibly sexy in our skin

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I created this course last year because I had gained about 25 pounds and was so uncomfortable in my own skin. What I knew was that I had to find myself inside of this discomfort and pain I was carrying. I knew somewhere deep in my gut that I wouldn’t be able to move through to even find the pain or source of the holding onto weight until I could look at myself deeply in the eyes and forgive all the years of feeling so wrong, so damaged, so not beautiful.

My practice of taking selfies clothed or naked became my most treasured practice towards finding a compassion for my skin, my spirit, my confidence that was simmering under the surface.

I look at who I am now after a year of this sexy and sanguine guiding soulwork and I am blown away. I have lost 15 pounds through total self adoration. I feel gorgeous in my skin. I take my really bad days and I flip them around by getting infront of my camera.

I made some huge life shifting decisions in this last year that took me from an edge of pain and unknowing into joy and movement.

It was never about the weight but it was about the feeling of stuck, of never being good enough in this body I was given.

I learned to spend time with my belly, the part of my body that gave me the most angst, torture that I had carried since childhood. I photographed my belly, spent time adoring it and let myself lead my sexuality with this part of me that for so long had been hidden as though it was what made me unworthy of love.

I look at the pictures of me now I can’t believe I am the same woman. I feel like I have grown new skin. Every part of my cells seem to have changed into something lighter and filled with compassion and adoration for my own eyes.

My invitation to you is to come along for 4 weeks but to know that this journey will last into your year of 2015. It will be the beginning of a practice into deep sexy and sanguine living.

I believe it will change your life. Looking at yourself through the lens, doing the soulwork prompts, letting other women adore you and see you, you will not leave the same woman.

You will leave with your sexy and sanguine in your soul.

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boob cut out

Your rogue ecstasy, your story of fantasy, your beautiful spaces?

Have you embraced the romance of waking up in your skin?

Can you feel the sensuality inside of grey, the rawness of an orange sky, the taste of a kiss full of red wine?

Do you reflect your light in others and draw their curiosity of pleasure into you?

Have you ripened? Have you ripened?

In a past life/future life have you stood in the blossoming of your sexuality with your senses exploding, in the gift of feeling?

And from that self that was or will be can you feel her guiding you?

Are you sexy and sanguine?

Do you feel belly passion?

Can you close your eyes and paint your beauty by numbers?

Is there a knowing in your toes, your ears, your breasts that each piece of you is loved and sacred and on the journey towards whole?

Is there a candle waiting to be lit that is celebrating you, celebrating her, celebrating this gorgeous life that you have claimed?

And where can you whisper ‘oh yes. oh yes. oh yes’?

loft

Let me take you there. To the yes. To the roughness of your edges and the dance of your awakening.

Join me and 15 women as we dive into our vision books with sexy confidence. The prompts will be seductive and the spirits will be bubbly. We will play with texture, glitter, images, words and ribbon. You will vision in your books as well as other surprise places. (I adore surprises.)

We have only 12 2 open spaces remaining for this night of calling forth your sexy and sanguine. The magic and pleasure will swirl. You will leave lit up in ways you start to call forth.

spirit guide

When :: November 21st, 7:30pm – 11pm at The Loft in Pawtucket, RI, Hope Artiste Village

The Loft will provide magazines and vision books (and other surprises) and one delicious Sake Mojito. There will be snacks of savory and sweet, sexy and sanguine. Please bring any extra magazines or spirits you wish to have.

Cost :: $65.00

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For anyone traveling from out of town I love The Dean Hotel downtown Providence. About as sexy as hotels get.

loft bar2

 

 

 

 

 

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Vagina. And heart.

October 16, 2014

cocktail ring on heart

she feels love.
she pulses.
she gets so angry.
she opens and yields.
she strengthens.
she tears.
she cries.
she rains.
she adores.
she feels fear.
she knows you.
she trusts.
she won’t let you in.
she needs you.
she holds your heart.
she misses your touch.
she wants her spirit truths.
she holds all the feelings.
she knows what you may be afraid to hear.
she will speak it through pleasure and pain.

…….

Join Mara Glatzel and I for a workshop about pleasure and the rise of your sexual self. Your vagina. Your heart. Your home. Your skin. Your beauty. Your wants.

There will be all the feelings, healing and laughter. And some really good food.

In her skin. Nov 15 and 16 at The Loft in Pawtucket, RI. There are 2 spots left. We have suggested the Dean Hotel for those who are traveling as it is awesome.

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123PicMonkey CollageSince I was young clothes and accesories have felt like joy to me. Being dramatic is in my blood and bones and I remember dancing around to choreographed and costumed performances (with yellow flowers in hair) of Copacabana. I also never wore a pair of jeans when I was young because they didn’t feel right. They didn’t move with my body, they were tight and those buttons! The first time I put on a vest (um, yes, they were a thing) I thought my skin was being eaten by it, you could not tear it off fast enough.

Learning years later that I was highly sensitive also came along with the invention of the stretch jean. We just get better. I love being covered in rings and bracelets, it grounds me. I feel my best when I have tight leggings and tank tops as my first layer of clothing; in the summer, the only layer I need.

Every Instagram picture with one of my dramatic treasures usually gets the ask of where did you get that. Here are some of those answers.

1. Twisted Whimsy Designs. Phoenix Rising.

2. Super Love Tees. Do all things with love. Or seriously, just get one of each.

3. I found this scarf/wrap (mine was without wool, sensitive to that wool I am) at this Etsy shop, it was one of a kind but they have a similar one in blue that is gorgeous.

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4. Teeki. My magical unicorn leggings. Oh yes. Oh yes. Lisa (also a yummy treasure herself) shares my love of all things amazing and sent me a text telling me I must get these leggings. They are so good. High waist. Triangle crotch, I mean, smart. The funkiest patterns ever. The unicorn pattern seems to be a bit hard to find now. You can’t see in this photo but two beautiful white unicorns are on the back of the leggings.

5. Raising Unicorns. To go with the magic lifestyle of course.

6. Mermaid on Unicorn. #dramatictreasures

7. All unicorns need metallic tattoos. I get mine here, they sell out from time to time but usually come right back in stock.

 

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8. Marcella Moda. My all time most delicious find. As though she is reading my mind when designing her clothes. As a woman with a belly I need some draping but I love when things are tight. This shirt and most of her clothes are magic for me.

9. You call it utility belt, I call it modern woman’s fanny pack. I get stopped in Whole Foods every time with someone wanting to know where I got it. It is that sexy. LeilaMos, totally gorgeous etsy shop.

10. Sea of Wolves Design. Henna style wing print bamboo leggings with high waist. Yum.

11. I have crazy hair. It bends, curls, waves and is straight. So I work with it. My hair routine is so crazy that I won’t even tell you, but I get asked all the time what I use. It is this cream and this spray. I am an addict of Trader Joe’s conditioner. I wash my hair only 2-3 times a week. The less, the healthier and more crazy it gets. It takes some time to train your hair to not need washing. It has been months and now I can easily let it go. The winter makes me want to condition it a bit more often, without the humidity it can be a bit dry.

12. Warrior shield ring. From Mountain Lust. I am in love with this shop. Follow Taryn on Instagram at mountainlustjewelry and you’ll see why. She is gorgeous in all the ways. I needed to call some serious warrior love into my life and somehow found this ring quite accidentally. Or, not. ;)

None of these links are affiliate. Just things I love.

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Hearing her say.

October 3, 2014

hannahmelisbirthday

she said, you give me hope.

she said, you are adorable.

she said, soul-mate-sister-unicorn.

she said, because I “fell in love” with you, the very first time I discovered you.

she said, i had this strong spirit whisper to email, so i am.

she said, you are so special in a stranger’s life more than you know.

she said, because you asked and because your work has stayed in me working it’s magic for a year.

she said, woman, you lit me up and i am fullfilled.

she said, you took me from questioning to permission.

she said, i choose myself, in every iteration i am now and will become. i choose.

she said, i feel belonging here that i have not experienced elsewhere..safety and acceptance, and so much love.

she said, i have discovered my sacred yes.

she said, so much of this finds me right now, where i am, perfectly.

she said, i wanted you to know the affect you had on someone you don’t even know.

she said, but this. this went deep deep into my heart. in a healing way. i loved every single word.

she said, hell yes. love you to pieces.
……..
‘she said’ is the prompt for my Community Grace course today. I took myself up on my own prompt and opened some of the words that flow towards me and often I am unable to hold. This work is so intimate, so life altering and so simple. There are times when I need to sit down and read the words and ground in the blessings that I receive.
……..

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Not.

September 27, 2014

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I am not bohemian but bone and feather and braid and patchouli dance on me.

I am not sick but I can’t breathe.

I am not writer but every word I catch.

I am not my iphone but I cannot put it down.

I am not anger but I am pissed that I am here.

I am not quenched but my lips won’t invite the water in.

I am not storyteller but I won’t stop talking.

I am not colorful but I shine golden.

I am not desire but every cell of my spirit and skin burn with feeling.

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