“If you travel far enough,
one day you will recognize yourself
coming down the road to meet you.
And you will say
~ Marion Woodward
An answer to a beautiful question…
Sometimes I wake up and I have pains from my head down my jaw and into my shoulders. Maybe sinus,maybe clenching, maybe stress but most likely all three. I should take stock in Motrin.
I get panic attacks. They have become more like waves than sitting outside the emergency room waiting for the impending heart attack. Those were last year. This year the waves.
My kids fight a lot of the time and it brings me to my knees. And then I yell and knees aren’t low enough for how I fall.
I put on weight when I am in a place of unknowing, or cocooning, or feeling scared. And then looking in the mirror is hard. I do it anyway and it can feel like physical pain to know that I am back here again. Learning the same thing over and over and over.
And over. And needing the next size jeans.
I forget to drink water. I wish I could be hooked up to an IV and hydrated once a week. Sometimes I even buy a gatorade and drink it as fast as I can.
I am driving on two flat tires because making appointments to have things or teeth or body parts fixed is not my strength.
I killed my daughter’s fish, got mad at Patrick last night because I didn’t think he was being supportive (think being the word here) and let my 8 year old stay home because I didn’t want to be alone today.
When I got my circle tattoo on my finger they didn’t close the circle. I thought they did. But they didn’t. And I believe it is the Universe giving me a sign and maybe someday I will close it. Or not.
Sometimes I hurt when I think friends no longer like me or don’t need what I give. When I put my heart into things and then feel sad. The fear of losing relationships a constant and getting lost in that, but more than that. Knowing that it does happen and I will be OK. I will be OK.
Some days I can’t find my gratitude and I feel like I complained and hid and threw tantrums.
There are memories that haunt me and cycle back into my body and I want to free them.
I am intense and it can be a lot for others to hold.
At 6pm I realize I have nothing for dinner.
This is why my hot cup of coffee each morning made for me with love is sacred.
This is why I wear beautiful jewelry every day and dress myself for how I want to feel.
This is why I pray through words, altars, surrender, tea bags, giggles, connection, texts.
This is why fresh flowers matter.
This is why I send love notes through Fb, texts, the mail, feathers, lipstick, emails.
This is why the picture of the feather my daughter drew for me reminds me that she is watching.
This is why I circle with women who believe in magic and risk and doing things that feel out of their comfort zone.
This is why I keep trying and hoping when every sign points to the shitstorm.
This is why soulwork saves my soul.
This is why there are so many pictures of me on Instagram.
This is why one bite of a chocolate cupcake wearing a vegan leather jacket can feel like a tiny piece of bliss.
This is why gratitude looks like a piece of pie or meeting your girlfriend at the mall on a Wednesday night or patience for feelings you have inside.
This is why I often send out the SOS text for a bottle of red around 5:00pm.
This is why that hug on the beach, barefoot and crying will happen. Over and over.
This is why when I find a shirt that feels like heaven on my skin I buy 4. And then 5.
This is why I don’t have to ask how you feel but rather how you want to feel inside of your beautiful dreams.
This is why your stories are mine. Mine yours. And every word is precious.
This is why beautiful is one of my favorite words and joy lives in my gut.
This is why I no longer try to make everyone happy but rather live in my truth.
This is why the irony of scared and sacred isn’t lost on me.
This is why there is no doubt magic exists.
This is why love takes so many shapes. Even an unclosed circle.
This is why I love this life now.
This is why I say thank you to my own heart.
This is why when I go to bed I think about who I want to be the next day.
This is why waking up to that coffee is my starting moment, with each sip telling me a story of now.
This is why.
Because it isn’t happening to me, it is happening within me.
This is why.
The shifts that I can make blow my mind. So can the sadness I feel. So can the love.
This is why seeing how much beauty exists, even inside of pain, forever guides me.
This is why I travel.
This is my yes.
(From Thursday morning love letter from me to you. Sign up in the box up there on the right to receive your little Thursday morning love.)
Photo Ruth Clark Photography.