Laughing Loon Retreat

May 21, 2015

“I’m told there is no going back. So I’m going forward” ~ David Levithan

dock in maine

We will gather. Women who have connected virtually, who long to be together in real life.

To love, to grow, to embrace. To circle, to hold, to listen, to release.

We will live inside of the questions and trust that when we sit by her water, the answers will no longer be sought, but simply gifted.

Our cozy home away from home will be in Jefferson, Maine right on the shores of gorgeous Damariscotta Lake. Maine in the early fall is warm during the day, and crisp and cool at night. And the leaves will be changing….the colors are amazing.

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Our time together:  Thursday September 24 through Sunday September 27th.

We will begin on Thursday afternoon to settle into rooms and welcome you.

We will gather Thursday night for a celebration dinner and circle and Sunday will be the morning when everyone packs up to go. Leisurely. Inside of all the changes and what is to come.

Friday and Saturday will be filled with workshops and creating and eating gorgeous food and loving each other up. There will be space built in to use the boats, swim (if it is warm), visit town and have some time to just be.

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A deposit of $415 is required to hold your spot. We do expect the retreat to sell fast as this is the first open retreat I have held outside of a circle.

The retreat deposit is non-refundable unless you or I are able to secure the spot with another participant.

Much preparation happens ahead of time, so please, only sign up if you are 100% in!

This year we will be offering three different kinds of pricing options.

Your retreat fee includes all meals, lodging and some surprises sprinkled in.

Lodging Options are: (When you add to cart you will be reserving that space with a non-refundable deposit of $415)

Private rooms are for those of you who really need to close a door and have your own bed space. There will be shared bathroom spaces.

Shared rooms are in the larger cabins. This is the perfect option if you already know you want a roomate! You will be sharing a room with someone with lots of space to feel settled. You will have bathroom, wood stove, fridge, stove, etc. Think cabins in the woods with a porch to sit and sip your coffee in the morning and have wine at night.

Sleepover style is sort of my jam, how we sleep at The Loft, tribal. Random beds of different sizes, cabins that have bathrooms, beds, wood stove, fridge, stove, etc. Think college dorm fun. Fire pits outside your cabins and the lake is at your feet. The more rustic of the cabins but pretty special.

The shared and sleepover style are cabins by the lake. Most private rooms are in the main lodge.

Private rooms – Four spots available  (3 spots left)

$1200

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Shared rooms –  Nine spots available    (8 spots left)

$1000

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Sleepover style rooms - Sixteen spots available  (11 spots left)

$850

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If you try to add one of the options above to your cart and cannot, that means that option has sold out.

The balance for your retreat stay will be due no later than August 10, 2015.

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There are a few airports that are close to Jefferson, Maine.

Portland International Jetport is an hour and a half away from the retreat spot.

Logan International Airport is about three hours away from the retreat spot.

There will be options for carpooling/ride sharing as we get closer to the retreat date. We will set up a closed FB group for all of you to get to know each other virtually before we gather. This way you can connect and make plans.


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Leg warmers, Hannah yams and dance parties will be provided. If you have any questions at all, please email myself and my assistant Kristen at hello@hannahmarcotti.com. Please do NOT send Facebook message questions, just email.

“How is it possible that four days in Maine – four measly days – could bring forth so much? Like your cells were realigned, like your true, slightly forgotten, self was unveiled, like a craving you didn’t even know you had was satiated.

The retreat was a coming home, a grounding, bliss.

The torrents of laughter, the tender moments fueled by music and moonlight and the call of the loon, the early mornings on the dock, the words whispered deep in the night that linger with me still.

I now belong. To a pack of fierce, real, luminous women. I could not be more grateful for the experience and the gifts it brought.” ~ Kelly

(Thank you to Kelly for use of some of her gorgeous photos above.)

“Hannah holds such incredibly sacred space both online and in person. The retreat was: re-charge, soul-sister connections, delicious food, inspiring fire-side talks, dance party, and belly laughs with happy tears. So fucking good. So good.” ~ Marisa

“Before I went on the retreat I was in a sad place in my life. I was able to open up to those women at that place like I had never before.  So much healing took place during my time there, and I was able to release a lot of bitter negative energy. It was amazing to be in a group of like minded women that really GOT me. I rediscovered a part of myself I thought was long gone. Also I got a bad ass tattoo, and found my true voice which I have been using ever since. It was a wonderful, magical experience that I would do over again in a heartbeat. That retreat will be forever in my heart and soul.” ~ Jannine

“The retreat was magic that touched my heart and soul in a powerful way. I felt so gently and lovingly held at the Lake with freedom to be where I needed and desired to be throughout our time there. The sense of love and community that Hannah builds in her online programs truly comes to life when we gather in person, and creates friendships and connections that run deep. My time at the Lake brought me into a deeper sense of trust of myself, permission to feel the feelings that come up, and the opportunity to be unapologetically me. I am forever grateful for the time spent on retreat with an incredibly magical group of women guided by Hannah. Each one of us brought something special that made this time so magical. Hannah’s attention to detail made the space feel immediately welcoming and comfortable – from the location, to the decorations in our rooms and the main house, to the incredible food that was made and shared with love. Each moment there felt like a gift, and I carry all of those moments in my heart and will continue to do so.” ~ Xandra

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eli on ladder

He shot the arrow onto the roof the night of our party. The first party I was throwing with the kids in years. I was in my bliss.

He is me. He creates drama. Conflict that draws others around to work together to solve. He creates a situation, an event within an event.

As his brother was working hard to get his arrow up on the roof too, he starts carrying the ladder outside to the deck where my friends and I are drinking tequila and grapefruit and soaking in the sun before the party starts.

We sat laughing while the boys strategically plan how to get the now two arrows on the roof.  The ladder is complicated and needs to be raised fully.

As we let them fiddle around I can feel my pride rising. This boy has ambition. Drive. He wants to figure it out. He wants the freedom to explore, try, fail.

The most amazing thing is that he is me. I would believe that I could get that arrow. He believed it. I believed him.

After about 10 minutes my friend Cookie stands up and pulls the ladder up to the roof. She climbs up and the kids stand nervously watching, waiting, believing. She is their hero on the ladder that they are actually scared to really climb.

They made this happen. He manifested it. He believed.

When the arrows hit the roof our knowing of what was possible expanded. Our connection with each other felt tighter, more joyful.

He creates a situation so he can solve it. Bring people together. He is drama. Fierce emotion. Sharp tongue.

He is quick to calm with touch and words and his favorite song.

He holds no grudge.

He rubs my shoulders just because.

He is a boy of nine years wise and young. Born in a car, slipped right out of me, ready for this beautiful life.

He is me. He has my hair, my teeth, my intuition, my struggle to pay attention or finish any one thing before starting five more, my heart, my depth, my desire for fun and freedom.

He tells me we are so much better now because he sees that I am happy in ways I never could express or live fully before now.

He brings me to my knees in tears in a way no one else ever has because he hits places inside of me that are mirrors of shame and grief and regret. And then I become better while I help him heal.

He laughs big. Loud. Silly.

He is the boy who is now taking care of me, holding me, helping to raise me into this new life.

He is shooting arrows onto the roof to see what is possible. To create more inside of this life than anyone could ever believe more than him.

And I believe.

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What :: 4 weeks of sexy and sanguine soulwork prompts, challenges and explorations

Why :: Confidence is freaking HOT.

When :: May 17th – June 13th

Cost :: $79.00

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Your rogue ecstasy, your story of fantasy, your beautiful spaces?

Have you embraced the romance of waking up in your skin?

Can you feel the sensuality inside of grey, the rawness of an orange sky, the taste of a kiss full of red wine?

Do you reflect your light in others and draw their curiosity of pleasure into you?

Have you ripened? Have you ripened?

In a past life/future life have you stood in the blossoming of your sexuality with your senses exploding, in the gift of feeling?

And from that self that was or will be can you feel her guiding you?

Are you sexy and sanguine?

Do you feel belly passion?

Can you close your eyes and paint your beauty by numbers?

Is there a knowing in your toes, your ears, your breasts that each piece of you is loved and sacred and on the journey towards whole?

Is there a candle waiting to be lit that is celebrating you, celebrating her, celebrating this gorgeous life that you have claimed?

And where can you whisper ‘oh yes. oh yes. oh yes’?

Let me take you there. To the yes. To the roughness of your edges and the dance of your awakening.

Do you truly know her?

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Sexy :: Stimulating. Erotic. Desirable. Appealing. Hot.

Sanguine :: Bloodred. Temperament of cheerfulness. Confidence.

When I was 22 I was out walking with a friend. I had long blonde hair, worked out often, was a champion dieter, known for really good skin and living in Seattle pursuing acting, 2 years away from marriage. My friend said to me, “Whenever we are out I just watch men look at you, turn their heads.”

2 days later I went to a Salon and cut off all my hair. Not in the cute or sexy-declaration-of-myself-as-a-woman way, in the I-don’t-want-to-be-seen way.

It terrified me. My sexual self, at 22, she scared me. I wanted to hide from her. While many 22 year olds were out exploring their sexuality and beauty I found myself wanting to stuff it into a little box and find a hiding place for it. Part of my dieting history had so much to do with not wanting to be seen.

I was terrified of myself. Of my skin. Of my beauty. Of my yes.

This may not have been your 22 year old story. It may have happened after your marriage vows. Or when your first baby made her appearance. Maybe it was a story of a younger age or the fear of turning 50. Or maybe your sexual confidence just slowly faded as the role of young woman turned into wife, mother, worker, nurturer, tender, multi-tasker.

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Confidence is alluring, hot, sexy.

Each year many of us choose a guiding word or phrase that will be the feeling we want to draw into our experiences, and it is a powerful practice. When I created this course last year my guiding phrase was gracefully sexy. All to lead me further into hot confidence.

Confidence is gracefully sexy. Managing finances is gracefully sexy. Feeling delicious in your skin is gracefully sexy. Creating healthy boundaries is gracefully sexy.

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Sexy and Sanguine Woman know…

  • boundaries are beautiful.
  • dreams come true from feelings.
  • closets are sanctuaries.
  • the shade of lipstick that lights them up, or the perfect lipgloss to plump.
  • just when breakfast is for dinner and that bubbly can happen anytime, anywhere.
  • the part of their body they always hated can actually guide their pleasure.
  • pleasure.
  • how to hold a gaze.
  • how to receive. Really.
  • how to stand in front of a mirror naked.
  • to kiss and say hello before listing off complaints.
  • beauty is in the details.
  • how to hold space.
  • feeling sexy is inside and out.
  • that iterative living is gorgeous.
  • how to take risks.
  • saying yes is a turn on, after learning to say no.
  • that listening changes everything.
  • how to follow their animal spirit guide or tarot card into sacred space.
  • that hot confidence is a practice.
  • how to walk into a room and really see.
  • how to ask the questions that flip it all around.
  • that hot confidence is fierce magic.
  • that an awakening is non-negotiable.

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What you’ll need for this course…

  • A camera, iphone is great
  • Some apps for your picture editing which I’ll share with you at start
  • A journal to poem and vision in, I love Moleskines
  • Some white space, clear the calendar a bit for some sexy and sanguine prompts
  • A hot date, with yourself, with a girlfriend or many, with your lover… in celebration

How it will work…

  • One prompt a day for 28 days alternating between photo prompts and soulwork prompts
  • A FB group where we will gather and share our photos and our soulwork
  • An instagram hashtag for online sharing, though those photos will be the more cropped versions ;)
  • 4 weeks of learning to feel incredibly sexy in our skin

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I created this course last year because I had gained about 25 pounds and was so uncomfortable in my own skin. What I knew was that I had to find myself inside of this discomfort and pain I was carrying. I knew somewhere deep in my gut that I wouldn’t be able to move through to even find the pain or source of the holding onto weight until I could look at myself deeply in the eyes and forgive all the years of feeling so wrong, so damaged, so not beautiful.

My practice of taking selfies clothed or naked became my most treasured practice towards finding a compassion for my skin, my spirit, my confidence that was simmering under the surface.

I look at who I am now after a year of this sexy and sanguine guiding soulwork and I am blown away. I have lost 20 pounds through total self adoration. I feel gorgeous in my skin. I take my really bad days and I flip them around by getting infront of my camera.

I made some huge life shifting decisions in this last year that took me from an edge of pain and unknowing into joy and movement.

It was never about the weight but it was about the feeling of stuck, of never being good enough in this body I was given.

I learned to spend time with my belly, the part of my body that gave me the most angst, torture that I had carried since childhood. I photographed my belly, spent time adoring it and let myself lead my sexuality with this part of me that for so long had been hidden as though it was what made me unworthy of love.

I look at the pictures of me now I can’t believe I am the same woman. I feel like I have grown new skin. Every part of my cells seem to have changed into something lighter and filled with compassion and adoration for my own eyes.

My invitation to you is to come along for 4 weeks but to know that this journey will last into your year of 2015. It will be the beginning of a practice into deep sexy and sanguine living.

I believe it will change your life. Looking at yourself through the lens, doing the soulwork prompts, letting other women adore you and see you, you will not leave the same woman.

You will leave with your sexy and sanguine in your soul.

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“I finally know the difference between pleasing and loving, obeying and respecting. It has taken me so many years to be okay with being different, and with being this alive, this intense.”  ~ Eve Ensler

goodbye

the first is your own. the one you must say to find your vibration. it involves no one else and somehow the entire universe in two syllables. it is metaphor for you having chosen yourself fully, creating space to hold another. creating the intention of holding the ache that is the gift of my name to yours.

it is your sexy being strength softness knowing. it is your naked body standing up to go. it is the moment the seduction comes around again and plays with my skin no longer part of yours. but needing only yours. the cold that comes from our sweat.

goodbye.

the second is your clothes back on. the second is the kiss you gave me 10 minutes before. the second is the feeling of staying in my arms until you drift to sleep. the second is the one you don’t want to give as you lower your mouth to my ear to my neck to my breast. the second is my safety. the second holds all of me. the second is when i moan.

when i exhale into your mouth. when you tell me you love my taste.

goodbye.

the third is part of the second. the moment when i yield under a body made for my own. every piece and part fitting together in ways others may never have known exist. we know. as though a secret held in a loon’s belly, the howl she reveals to deepen love. it is my smile that won’t release.

goodbye.

the fourth is the one I call you back for. i ache. i play with you in my mind and you feel it in my eyes. you try to walk away but the five goodbyes are my seduction for the moment we begin again. you are my circle with openings that brought all of you to all of me. my circle that refused to close because it knew you would find your way inside.

the fourth is the unspoken knowing that you can hold me.

goodbye.

the fifth is the whisper of promise that you belong to my body. spirit. future.

a kiss blown. a whisper as you open the door.

it is memory of the touch of your finger the first time it brought me beyond words. it is memory of your breath. it is memory of the heart i hold, your heart, that i listen to as you sleep.

the fifth can fill my eyes with water from a thirst that created you. a thirst that felt your eyes pushing inside my eyes the first time we said goodbye before we ever met.

the goodbye that was the silent moment of the beginning of a story of seduction.

goodbye.

…….

Sexy and Sanguine returns for May. Details announced in Thursday’s Love Letter. If you aren’t subscribed, go stick your name in that pretty box up at the top right of this page.

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hannah at ace

stacks of magazines on white sheets.

torn pages. pages of white. pages turned before you knew.

everything will change.

i watch her cells turning time. her years in my heart twelve and a lifetime. she is laughing more. taking risks. telling me stories in the van. allowing me more than 2 inches between us when we walk in public.

everything will change.

do you believe in luck…

how much is spirit how much is you and are they woven…

each question brings more torn pages.

everything my love will change.

my twisted, dreading hair pulls up into a ponytail. neck exposed. there are the lines that a year ago spun me into tears and i cried to them that i didn’t know what to do and that my neck was aging and how could i do this. how could i do this. everything will change. and now you see my neck. and you adore me deeper. everything will change.

you deserve this. you were born for this. everything leading up to now was drawing it towards you.

and if you believe in luck how do you define it…

if you are lucky what path have you dusted off…

how much is chance. how much is every moment you stung, sung, drank, pleaded, grasped, let float away…

leading up to this gift…

everything baby will change.
everything my sweet will change.
and i will hold you. protect you. guide you without changing you or me for you, only alongside you.
and when you are ready and when i am ready and when we are ready it will become without expectation.

and the ground will expand…

he uses my vision board as a dart board. the words ‘baby, you’re a firework’ and ‘love life’ in bold white words on yellow torn pages become his mark. old vintage darts that lost their feathers. he grabs three small oranges from the table. tells me he can juggle and i watch all three fall and roll. don’t worry, he says, i will eat one and then it will be easier.

and the clock will speed up as i watch you…
and the clock will know my name reminding me it is time for you to go now…
and the clock will carry your luck if you choose to call it that to my breasts where i will grow you…

everything sweet one. will change.

blow the next exhale onto the path you’ve always been on. strip the orange down to sections. inch yourself further. let adoration lift your hair from your neck and breathe words you wrote while you were in the moment before you tore the page.

everything. everything. will.

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Hidden moments.

March 20, 2015

secret message hannah in mirror

She sits in the mini van after being told another’s truth. A truth that was a mind over a heart. The rain is pouring down and tears ask her to look between rain drops.

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In Chinese mind and heart are the same word.

She struggles to untangle so she can understand with her head. She wants her mind to explain her feelings away. She wants so deeply to have words to make it all find some sense. Offer her ease in yet another transition into herself.

Her heart and mind have never been separate. This is not something she can take apart, even for a moment.

She is xin. She walks with xin. She often acts in ways that are seen as irrational by others because not separating mind from heart is big feelings and wild living and so much. She loves deep. She is a playful, sensual lover. Her xin is her guide every time she laughs.

She knows that there is no separating the mind and heart. They beat and breathe as one. They speak together. She knows they speak together.

She doesn’t have to understand the decisions of others, all she needs to find is the compassion inside of it.

Through the glass she sees a woman on the side of the road holding up a sign, asking for help. Money. A glance. Who knows.

She digs into her pockets and pulls out every bit of cash she can find. A twenty, a couple of ones, a five. Rolling down the window she catches her tears and slips the wad of crumpled bills into the woman’s hands.

“Bless you.”

She hears. Bless you. Through the raindrops. Keep looking through the rain drops.

xin.

She knows she will have to say goodbye to the butterflies. The ones that came before the truth that now changes her next steps. Again. She needs to be more careful when letting others hold her xin and not lose compassion inside of fear.

As the van moves through the puddles she thinks about what she will say to her boys as they are becoming men. How she will talk to them about holding a woman’s xin with such tenderness and joy.

What will she say to them about trust? Trust feels endangered. She wants them to know trust. To gift it to every woman they love, whether for five hours or five years or a lifetime.

She wants them to know that the mind and the heart are not separate, they exist as one beautiful, confusing, lush, mesmerizing, compassionate, flowing note.

The windshield wipers go faster and the moments become hidden from her story.

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satnam.

February 26, 2015

prayer hands

satnam.

true name. true self. truth is my name. bow to the truth that exists. i see the divinity in you.

inhale sat. exhale nam. through your nose. it is mantra. it is truth. it is prayer.

satnam is prayer that moves you from the hard places into the ability to do it.

satnam is your truth and your divinity. heart and mind and body together.

……

who are you becoming?

she is spirit guide. she is your truth. she is beckoning you, ever so gently.

what does she want to invite you towards?

let her speak, guide, open.

she is your true name as was your past self. you grow of each. bow to your now as the prayer of who you are becoming is told. record the prayer.

……

capture the sacred of who you are becoming in photograph.

think about growing up and out. think about heart center, hands in prayer or lifted to sky.

you are growing into her, can you see her?

turn the camera around on yourself or use gorillacam app on your phone as a timer.

don’t be afraid to explore and push an edge. naked shoulders or belly. scarves draped. lipstick bright. let her guide your photo shoot. let the she you are becoming be there. soon she will become part of your past story as she is rebirthed over and over.

what does she want you to know?

……

and breathe. satnam. the prayer of your truth. the light of your divinity.

The Circle Officially Begins Sunday.

The above is a prompt from Magic Making Circle, a group where women gather together for 6 months to explore, create, guide, share, nurture, unearth, feel, manifest, journey.

Women loving other women without judgement is one of the most healing things we can experience. This is the kind of circle I gather. These are the women who show up.

Some of the women have been sharing short videos talking about their experience in the last circle and why they are coming back for more. You can watch them and sign up over here.

We officially start March 1st inside of our FB group and the prompts will begin to flow to inboxes on March 8th as we begin with our Sunday blessings.

This is where I will be for the next 6 months. This is my circle. My virtual home. These are the women who change me every time.

I say yes. Oh yes. This is why we find our bravery and faith.

 

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A study in love.

February 25, 2015

moth mug

:: “Moth is the master of disguise and is reminding you to be aware that you could be hiding from yourself. Are you using your emotions to keep yourself hidden from others? Is it time that you transform your emotional energy away from drama and into something closer to your heart? Have faith in your journey and trust that although things seem to be complicated right now – you will eventually see the light. Use your heart to guide you.” (Spirit Animal Totems)

hannah nyc

:: When I was 7 I was obsessed with plants. Growing them for science projects in closets and talking to them. I wrote puppet shows and recorded them. I loved researching, studying. I went to the library and learned that eating dairy might be giving me the sinus and ear infections that had become chronic.

I loved books. Stacks of books. The study. I would play school. Chalkboards made me have a kid high.

In college I chose poetry classes, voice and diction, Shakespeare. I was in awe of the study.

When I realized that I held some seriously old anger towards my father I read everything I could get my hands on around anger. I made a practice to study anger.

I have studied health, food, coaching. Marketing. Being a woman. Abundance. Manifesting. The moon. Stardust. Meditating. Vulnerability.

This January, at 40 years old I realized that I have never studied the one thing that beckons me more than any other. That I can feel in my cells. That teases me, fertilizes me, pulses in me.

Love.

I have never studied love.

It always seemed like a given. Love.

Just love. Born with love. We are love. Love, love, love.

But I struggle inside of love. I have fed myself on crumbs in the love department. I thought in my twenties that having kids would heal all my stuff around love.

And, nope.

So for February I decided to do two things. The first was to vision around love. To find the feelings. To let the Universe know that I was opening to love and I wouldn’t try to control what that looked like. (Yeah, and cue my friends shaking their heads, laughing.) The second was to gently go on a study of love. To let most of it come to me, with eyes wide open to receive the study that came forth.

vision page breathless

:: A trip to NYC to study love and integrate all the parts of me. It went something like this…

Allow kids to lead the dance of time and space, be introverts and cuddle up in hotel with take-out. Explore city and favorite restaurants with open gratitude. Pay for not one single drink and meet every spirit guide you were meant to. The gorgeous bartender from my childhood home of North Carolina, the beautiful woman celebrating her news from Princeton along side my #‎coyoteloon celebrations, the amazing man who sent a selfie of he and I to his partner in CA, the designer outside of a fashion week event who told me about what living in Chelsea is like and looked at me with such faith in my crazy desires, the couple who sat next to me at brunch and told me their love story of second partnership after divorce. And buying pretzels for the boys at LIRR before leaving the 13 year old says, “Mom. You are the most happy and chatty and way too open person.” Know that this is a compliment. Plan your trip back (without kids this time) for another dose of immense magic. ‪#‎ilovethislifenow‬

Ponder the connection between love and magic and dreams.

boyshighline

:: How I want to feel inside of love with another. This one trapped me. And then I found her words.

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:: I call bullshit on the whole love yourself first before you can find or allow love with another thing. I read that over and over this month. Here is what I think. Love is not our issue. We are born with love in our souls for ourselves. Then we become imprinted with touch points of pain and trauma and fear. Those touchpoints make us scared. They ask us to seek validation from others. They make us run and hide from our heart’s desires. They create chaos and drama. They create the struggle to feel that love. Yes, feel it.

I don’t need to love myself first, that is a given. I was born into that love, recycled into that love, my existence is that love. But there will be times when I struggle to feel it. What I do need to do is heal some old pain points. Integrate them. Feel them. I am learning that I need to know who the hell I am before I can be in partnership without losing parts of myself.

Give myself space and stillness so I can gift my beloved with the same inside of love.

Have compassion for the one person who I give the hardest time to.

I need to go out to eat with myself often and not take out my phone and talk to people around me. I need to have experiences that affirm my crazy wild sense of self. I need to be all parts of myself, visionary and mom and wild and free and safe and cozy.

Kind of like commenting on someone’s photo and telling them they should smile – maybe remember that smiling is not the only sign of joy and that we all have different ways of showing up and expressing and showing our feelings. I suggest you don’t tell anyone they need to love themselves before loving another, let them journey, let them make huge mistakes, let them flail a bit and become ungrounded. Then be there. Love them up. Give them space. They are journeying through and feeling so much and like the moth to light, gorgeous love already is.

Gorgeous love already is.

ilovehannah

:: When Patrick and I separated it was the scariest time of my life and also the one that I felt most sure of because we needed a new way of being in partnership, in parenting, in finding magic that we had lost for ourselves. My love for him and the way we have journeyed together and still are as ever changing beings is deep. Flawed. Messy. Raw. But we hold love as our guide. Our totem. Our feeling.

Soul contracts aren’t ours to decide. They are written in the stars long before we touch down in these bodies. Of this I am certain. The more we try to control the contract, the more pain we pull in.

Surrender is the intersection between acceptance and change.

Surrender feels like a beloved.

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:: I have been scared. And in that fear pushed people away who my heart loves deeply. There are times when I can’t connect to my kids because I am unable to find myself inside of this huge iteration. Barely breathing.

The little one will climb in my lap and say, “Mama, we are so good here. We are just so good.”

That’s when I find my exhale.

I come from the exhale.

The longer the exhale, the easier it is to breathe inside of the changes inside of the love inside of the call towards beloved inside of the study of love.

And there are 3 days left in February. I can only imagine how much more there is to learn.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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dock in maine

Preparing for my retreat with my Magic Making Cirlce this past September I gave myself 3 days alone before anyone would arrive.

I first saw the lake as I pulled in the narrow (scary) driveway in the pouring rain in my van filled to the top with food, pillows, bedding, decorations, altar supplies, sheepskin rugs and every part of my Loft I could tuck in. A huge lodge with several cabins and a view that my made heart flutter were my gratitudes for making it all the way down that crazy little dirt road.

I had groceries to get out and coolers filled with frozen meatloaf and muffins, so I unloaded stuff out of the van and onto the cart that pulled supplies to the lodge. That’s when I realized there were no keys. Nothing locked. And I was alone. And soaking wet. For three days in this huge openness.

Nothing locked. City. Girl.

The first night I sauteed apples listening to the wind ring the porch bell and watching the storm that had forced me inside to do just what I thought I had wanted. Be alone.

Alone has been a journey that brings me to my knees. And one that I have known I must be inside of, to know myself in deeper ways. To find my power and strength without the voices of others. And I was being tested hard that night.

I settled in and barely slept in that lodge without keys, thinking of my game plan if some crazy person tried to come in at night while I was sleeping. I put my keys under my pillow because my mini van key is pretty fierce.

The next morning at sunrise, my coffee and I found our way to the dock, which would become my morning and afternoon ritual for the week. My church. I had arrived at the retreat not just as a guide but to be guided. I was feeling myself in my own skin, feeling fear being alone, wrestling with questions and longings. Questions burning on my surface.

The sun set on the second night after a day filled with moving furniture and trying to make a dusty lodge look a tiny bit like The Loft, and that is when I heard the coyote-bird. I texted my friends, “Um, is there such a thing as a coyote-bird cause I am freaking out a little bit.”

That’s when I learned about loons. Our spirit animal while we retreated on the lake. Their sound moves right into your body, it finds all the spaces left untouched and opens them. As magical creatures do.

That loon became affectionately know as the coyoteloon and by the end of our time at the lake there were 3 loons celebrating with the women who had come to know themselves more.

…….

On our free day, Jenny (who was the creator of magical decorations and crafts during the retreat) and I went into town to relax and feel the space that Maine gives to your heart.

On the drive I saw a blue canoe on the side of the road for sale. My stomach leaped when I saw her. The most beautiful blue, silver linings, huge.

“Jenny, I think that is my canoe.”

I am wild and impulsive and scared often of that part of me, as it has been dampened over the years.

Jenny calmly said, “Ok, let’s check it out on the way back.”

She did not tell me I was crazy or remind me I lived in the city in a Loft with nowhere to put a canoe. She let me have my wild.

And wild it was. I bought the canoe. (That is a whole other crazy funny and amazing story.) We put her in the lake and I felt like I was home. Not in Maine or on that lake but in trusting myself, one of my deepest longings.

Jenny brought the canoe home with her to Vermont to use on their lake and love up. It was that easy.

What if it could be easy?

The canoe was so heavy, and it made no sense. But it became a great story and an even better friendship.

We named her #coyoteloon. She is beautiful.

The canoe and Jenny allowed me to feel like the most amazing creature on this earth that day because I was safe inside my wild. I was free and held and loved.

Since our canoe partnership Jenny and I have been dreaming of other ways to continue to feel safe and wild and free. She is an artist, dreamer, doer. I am a coach, visioner, doer.

We are growing #coyoteloon from a canoe into something much bigger.

Our launch is on Valentine’s Day through Instagram. Follow us here. Our first product launch will be exclusively through Instagram.

And a look at what we are dreaming can be found here.

…….

“I beg you, to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and to try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don’t search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer.” ― Rainer Maria Rilke

This quote became the theme I used for our time at the lake. For the retreat that gathered 26 women from all over the world, Scotland included.

I was living the biggest question of my life when I arrived on that lake, anxiety and fear had been holding me for too long. I remember sitting on the dock, feeling so deeply into the question as though I was growing it inside of my body. Every morning I would take my coffee to the edge of the smooth water and the question would start to feel more and more like it was a part of me.

The coyoteloon would howl.

I would breathe.

The question without begging for an answer was the most peace I have ever felt.

One month later I was living inside of the answer, as though the lake had touched a part of my soul that was finally able to stop searching, controlling, fighting.

It was surrender. The lake was my prayer.

And magic and wildness and safety are my blessings. I am changed. As love does. As it does.

 

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Each week in the circle I make a Q&A video based on questions that come in. This video was around kids on social media, charging for your services, a question around the prompt we were working on for the week (She Said blog post and Amazing Day references) and a question that they almost always asked… how I was doing. (There is nothing like the circles that gather in this magic. Nothing.)

If you make it to the end you will be rewarded with a cameo from Lucas and me grabbing my boobs. Real life meets my work.

You can read more about the circle over here.

We start in March. It will be magical. It already is.

And I am driven by mad love currently.

 

 

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