Nurturing visions. Merging iterations. Seeking rogue ecstasy.
I am eager for the lists that make their way out on sleepy Friday mornings. Today I am a red lipstick, hot mocha with almond milk, sitting with the sun shining down on my face, loving my husband being home with me all week which is like vacation from the school and feeding duties for me kind of mama.
These are my pay-it-forward lists.
Art by Cheryn from the August Joy Up, now resting in my kitchen!
A dive into gratitude this year, beginning with my 38th birthday. I offered my newest program, Spirits of Joy, just for that one day as my gift. Not even two hours after I announced my birthday gift there were 200 sign ups and the calm of birthday morning was quickly turned into rushing to find a new way to give out this gift. The system I set up was not able to allow more than 200 'free' things out in a day.
I fixed the problem after a few panicked phone calls to my support team, thank goodness they love me! By the end of the night over 500 sign ups. A huge silent and not so silent blessing to Susannah - xoxoxo - who writes one sentence about it and more sign up. And so many of you in this beautiful community shared this program not because of me and my little, um big, birthday but because you believe so deeply in this work.
After the day of giving I tucked a nice low price on it and by last night 600 women, exactly, were signed up.
This is freaking awesome and it scared the shit out of me. I felt a bit paralyzed by the truth of that.
It was magic.
And scary. I am beyond proud of the way I've created and dreamt my business. I love the way my work is unfolding because it is so completely me, not a formula, just my intuition and my love of heart-centered marketing. It never occurred to me to ask my friends to help me spread the word (now I know I could lovingly do so). So many of you did. This is about the journey but it is also about me learning to be where I am.
To accept the fear that came with 600 gorgeous souls being a part of this. Behind the scenes of this blog are a lot of hours, manifesting deep, real connections, saying to the kids "give me one more minute" and late, late nights. It is a part of me that keeps me pulsing now.
Each time the business grows I learn how to hold that new amount of energy, that is what we are doing when we create community, bringing our energy together. As a coach you learn how to guide without being drained and giving away your energy, this is a tender process that takes time to learn and develop.
I had a teary hour with my coach where she helped me find the space to shift back into my flow of writing. That is where the magic is, in this shift, making space to return to the words. The messages. The truths.
Day 1 started today. I'm sitting on the porch, markers and gluten-free pretzels that the kids abandoned for bikes. And I type. In real time.
Mala from me to you. My African Jade Mala, that has been with me for the last year, that I gifted to myself after last summer's joy up. I want to give it a new home, with one of you in this community that keeps me honest and reaching towards deeper grace in all I do.
My new Mala, Awakening, was a birthday present from sweet Jenny (The Biz Doula). From dreaming and learning to hold energy to discovering the possibilities inside of myself. My journey. The Jade Mala is ready to share energy with a new person. I love the idea of passing it forward. (And there might be a few more goodies to find their way into that package!)
I've wanted to do this for a while since my new Mala arrived. I thought maybe you all would think I was crazy giving away my necklace. But in real time. Doing it today. Just leave a comment if this Mala speaks to you. xo
IMG 3255 from Hannah Marcotti on Vimeo.
I am eager for the lists that make their way out on sleepy Friday mornings. Today I am a well at least I have dog food for the dog and frozen pizza for dinner, drinking more water, manifesting the most amazing babysitter for me and Lucas (please oh please), driving a minivan with a piece of plastic falling off from underneath, so crazy happy my husband has a whole week off next week kind of mama.
These are my pay-it-forward lists.
Like the owl gliding silently in the night, I am wise.
Just as the blue heron stands, wait-full, I am stillness.
With my hands placed together at heart center, touching and silent, I am love.
***
It is the unexpected moments, market crashes, losses, diagnoses or stuck places that bring about beautiful gifts to our lives via the struggles and the challenges that guide and allow us to find our magic. If we choose.
I am an obsessive furniture re-arranger. It is lovely to know I am not alone in my shifting of stuff to make space. For years I was certain no one else ever moved a couch or table once, let alone every season. Now I know there are so many others who must move things around to shift energy and create space in their homes, hearts and minds.
Living life inside of a highly sensitive body that belongs to a highly sensitive soul has been a life of practice and knowing. It has taken me years to forgive myself such things as moving furniture around, forgetting that I own a black tank top and buying a new one 5 times, not knowing how to sit in a group of people talking with no one leading the discussion, waking up and just feeling so off that I must find a way to cry and inducing exhaustion after scheduling something to do out of the house every day for weeks and needing days and days of stillness to recover.
I've had to learn to forgive the guilt and the feelings of 'being too sensitive' as a negative. This is part of the beautiful work.
The living room is long and skinny, with 6 windows plus the glass door, 2 radiators and 3 doorways. As someone who must constantly move space, make space, feel space:: a challenge. Every time I'm certain I've found every possible way of moving the furniture another one presents itself. And move it all I do. And then I can breathe. The kids are calmer, play longer.
I've shifted furniture around even when we had big apartments. I used to re-arrange my dorm rooms and my memories of shifting go back to doll collections. My mom once suggested I look into staging houses for people wanting to sell because I can find space! Tiny house living was not a dream of mine, in fact we owe more on the house than at the moment we could ever, ever sell it for, so it isn't something that has saved us money. This is the challenge life has brought (among gobs of others) to see if I would follow it towards my magic.
If I could move today, get out from this mortgage, forget about the dream of turning the attic into our master suite and meditation/work space would I? Yep. In a second. I would love to be released and start fresh from who I am now, with the knowing I hold and the growth that I have discovered as I've surrendered to ease. Part of the reason I am who I am today, a gift of my house. Every room has its own stories to tell, to whisper, to shout, to hum.
Patrick and I often get to a moment where we look at our choices and wish we could go back and choose again, as the people we have become. But it is these choices that have designed our next choices for who we want to be now. Just as I design my living room to flow with what is happening in our family, now.
When the boys need more open space or the season pushes us outdoors, each placement of furniture changes. As Chloe started to express the desire for her own room, we moved the table into the living room and put our bed in the little dining room. My shins are banged up because at night when I get up to pee there is very little room to walk around the bed. I dream of that attic space some day and know that giving Chloe her room was making space for her to grow up.
Baskets are sorted. Pillows are bursting with pattern and color. Furniture is soft and only sort of nice, I have two boys and a dog and they will beat up your stuff. Patrick walks through the front door each night and I get to decide how I will greet him. With the gratitude for what I have or the exhaustion from what I struggle with. I want to open the door with a kiss and acceptance the most. To meet him with grace. Often the tired lady opens the door and forgets to smile.
This tiny life can make it hard for me to show up inside of that gratitude for what is.
This is why we make space. This is why we connect to our heart center. This is why we have to find moments to snuggle and cuddle even in the smallest of living rooms. My joy is my now. My now gets to dream of what is next.
***
Part 1 ~ This Tiny Life, The Kitchen
There is a story behind every program, every offer, every blog post, newsletter or picture of mine. Or of yours. I live for the story. I breathe the story. Story is my muse. The Making Space Cleanse is one such story. A story of falling in love with the life we have so that we can live the life of our dreams. This little 10 day program is the heart of how I strive to live, to create, to guide.
I am embracing a new feeling of sexy. (Please know how terrifying it is to write that on my blog which I'm fairly certain more than 3 people read now!!!)
After my first pelvic floor therapy appointment I started to feel a release. My therapist told me that she couldn't believe how tight my pelvic floor muscles were and she spent about half an hour working to release them, which she will continue to do once a week for a month or so. I don't really know what she was doing, but I do know she used the word trigger points. It was a combination of pain and release.
I was not surprised at how tight those muscles are. I have a jaw that I clench almost always. I am a hyper-flexible body and I hold it as tight as I can. Always. My contradiction. My female story.
Part of my beautiful work for myself has been learning to release as I am a self taught holder. Often in the release there is a whole lot of pain that I'd rather not feel. And feel I am.
The night of my first appointment I was so tired. I couldn't keep my eyes open. I fell asleep with Lucas in his bed and then came up to bed. As a night owl I felt really thrown. Confused.
I climbed into bed and sobbed. Like buckets. Then I slept. I wasn't crying about anything but no amount of holding was going to stop those tears. It felt special to let them flow.
My dreams have been wild. I've been exhausted. My doctor told me I need to be careful about combining too much energy work while I am going through these appointments because I tend to be on the intense side. I understand now what he was saying.
Fall's arrival combined with my newest year always brings a rebirth of something. This year I am giving birth to feeling sexy. To the woman that is emerging as I work through the release. As I embrace what is next on my list of dreams.
Tattoos, truthful conversations, soft skin, deep release, bangles adorning, stories of abundance and sexy.
On the equinox.
***
The bladder story, for those who need to know they aren't alone.
I am eager for the lists that make their way out on sleepy Friday mornings. Today I am a went to an appointment I didn't have and waited 1/2 an hour, birthday love hangover bliss/crabby, staring at my pile of dishes and grateful for the pot of leftover chicken soup kind of mama.
These are my pay-it-forward lists.
***
What:: 30 Days of Joy Up Soulwork Prompts for Creating A Vision Book and transforming your life!
When:: September 1st, 2013
How:: An email each day for 30 days with a Vision Book prompt and some story telling from me (a few videos added this time)
During the April Joy Up we created Joy Books. We got out our markers and glue and cut up magazines and allowed our creative side to flow through as a way to dive into our Soulwork.
Allowing ourselves to make what became vision books, was powerful. Women were coming alive as they found a part of themselves that had been lost or longing to come out. These prompts become part of their books, their daily thoughts and their writing.
Know yourself. Use these prompts to spend time with yourself. To light up in a new way.
Learn how to find your desires and then create pages filled with the words and visions and feelings that surround them. As you do this you harness the true magic of the Universe. You vibrate in a new way. These books become a way for you to align what you want with what you have. They create manifesting magic in your life.
There is a closed Facebook group just for those of you working through these 30 days. You can share pictures, thoughts, aha moments and see the daily journey of soulwork from others who have gone or are going through the days. Totally optional but a beautiful way to connect.
I've been visioning since I was young. As a highly-senstive child (who never knew that term) I had a brutal time dealing with my feelings. I felt overun by sensations and sadness and joy and every possible feeling you could have. One of the ways I learned to 'see' those feelings was to cut and paste. To go into a magazine and let the words and images talk to me.
Now I find it is the way I center. It is how I allow myself to know my dreams. It is how I manifest from a feeling into reality. It is a safe space to receive messages and words from the Universe through these magazines and let myself feel without fear.
Each time I complete a new page I want to stare at it for hours, sometimes I make free pages and hang them on the wall.
Vision books help us write new stories, chapters and pages for our lives. We don't have to stay stuck or in fear. We can step into our light. Maybe it seems crazy that a little book full of magazine cut outs can help us heal and create beauty in our lives. A little crazy never hurt! Let's play...
Questions you might have::
Is this a journaling course? Nope, I've never been good at kepping a journal so I wouldn't be the one to guide you to that. But I do love prompts, writing exploration, vision board work and art books. I love cutting and pasting and exploring. This is about creativity and using our right brain to deepen our joy.
What if I'm not creative? What if? Hm, I think you might surprise yourself.
I've never been able to fully participate in long e-courses. What if I can't keep up? I don't keep up with the pace of others either. I do things at my own pace. You'll have all the emails that come to save and use for any time you'd like. Take your time, read the first 5, join in at the end. Whatever works for you. It is your 30 days.
Can I participate without keeping a book? Sure thing. Sometimes just being present to the thoughts and prompts is all you need. This is about you. Not me or them. What feels good to you? You can also create a vision board, a big huge poster of your thoughts and cut outs, a piece of art to hang on the wall. The beauty of creation is all yours.
What will I need? A blank book, I like this one and they come in many different sizes, scissors, a glue stick and lots of magazines and old cards, quotes, etc. A little time and space that you can carve out for you. If you have kids have them be part of this, get them each a book so that if you are short on alone, time you can still do some visioning each day.
How a woman with a family of 5 came to live in a 900 square foot home and captured the gift of joy and living in the now.
There is a story behind every program, every offer, every blog post, newsletter or picture of mine. Or of yours. I live for the story. I breathe the story. Story is my muse. The Making Space Cleanse is one such story. A story of falling in love with the life we have so that we can live the life of our dreams. This little 10 day program is the heart of how I strive to live, to create, to guide.
This is a story of a tiny house that I fell in love with when we were a young family with just my Chloe who was two years old. This house was to be the one we fixed up, flipped and sold within 5 years. 8 years later I look around and a whole lot of fixing up is left and selling is something that appears to us in a distant place.
A few years ago after Lucas was born I would have the occasional visitor remark on how small the house was and how they couldn't believe we still lived here. I was filled with shame. Shame for my choices, shame for not having fixed it up enough, shame to have people in my world who said those things to me. I stopped having people over. Combine a small house, shame and a third child who required a huge amount of my attention and I was really exhausted.
Shame makes you mad and resentful for what you have. It took me a long time to move through that word. So many layers helped me move through the shame of my home and into the now. That is how my program was born. From the life I was living. Still live. And believe deeply in.
I remember taking a walk in our neighborhood when Chloe was almost two, or maybe just two. We had been looking at houses but anything in our price range guaranteed there would be holes in the floor and lead paint peeling all over. We looked at houses where they didn't even remove their 600 pound snake from the bedroom because someone would buy the house.
The day of our walk we turn the corner from our apartment and we see piles of garbage in front of a tiny little bungalow. We knew this house would have a for sale sign within days. We were the first people to look at it, no holes in the floor. Lots of work, but good bones. We couldn't do major renovations, every penny went into buying.
I saw what I could do with that sweet home with a yard for Chloe to play in. I saw freedom from volatile landlords and paint colors of my choosing. I saw my first home. I saw myself growing up, feeling like an adult.
As more children have come into our life the house does feel smaller. We bump into each other and fight over the one small bathroom. When someone is making lunch in the kitchen it is hard to have more people wander in and fill up water bottles or pour cereal because there just isn't that physical space to do it.
I can get so crabby without space. My physical world became my guide for how our connected our minds and our stuff are. The more I started to make space, the more I found that space inside of myself. Shame was replaced with joy. I worked really hard for that one. This is the only way I can guide anyone to make space, because I have studied it, practiced it and come up against it every single day.
I started to focus on less stuff and sought out simplifying and ritual. Making Space became my daily mantra. I painted the kitchen white and spent so much time deciding what would be part of that space. The most amazing shelf from Ikea to hold cups. I took the cupboard doors off to give the illusion of space and so I could see my dishes. Only dished I loved allowed to stay.
Those beautiful cloud white walls spread to other rooms in the house. It felt fresh, open and as though I could actually alter my perception of space with such simple gestures.
White walls, only art and pictures I love. The kitchen became my art gallery of sorts. It holds my vision board, gorgeous ceramics, lots of jars and vases. I think about every magnet on the fridge and paper that clutters up space. We got rid of things like electric coffee makers and use a chemex because it is small and also beautiful. We have food for one week, no storage.
Yes, it is so small. We are a large family. I am always brought back to one of the first lessons in joy that I learned. Stories about people who would seek out bigger, more, better but never feel more joy. They had more cars, money and huge houses but often could not cure the deep sadness or longing they had inside with all of that stuff.
Making Space is to me living in our now while preparing for the waves of joy and gratitude that come as we start to live as the person we desire to be. We energetically align the more space we make in our hearts, homes and minds.
Stuff can be lovely. I love my jewelry and throw pillows. But space? Space makes me giddy. Clean dishes and the garbage taken out and a plan for dinner tomorrow gives me the freedom I need to enjoy my life now. It opens me up to be creative and sexy and fun! I feel really sexy with a glass of wine at night, a clean kitchen and my favorite jammie pants. No joke.
When I am making space my body glows. When I'm making space I connect truthfully.
That is the first part of the story. The white walls of a kitchen. The daily mantra. Behind the scenes of how I create my work from the life I live. I might show you my throw pillows in part 2.
I am eager for the lists that make their way out on sleepy Friday mornings. Today I am a waiting quietly for my first baby to reach double digits and hoping that the day feels like the vision in her head, super excited to give hugs to some virtual friends in the real live world tomorrow and entering the two weeks of my monthly rhythm that feel like walking on air and gratitude kisses kind of mama.
These are my pay-it-forward lists.
***
The picture that confirmed deep inside that I would get a tattoo, actually a series of tattoos, was this gorgeous photo. The class, the boho, the softness, the fierceness. Yes, this is who I truly believe I am in my soul. I felt a kin-ship with this woman I had never met, I felt the calling to express myself and mark time; confirmed in one glance.
I learned everything I know about manifesting from two sources. My vision boards and feathers. I am on the newness of the manifesting realm and every time I find a feather I feel as though I am apprenticing with a master, the Universe, a goddess, a guru. I find feathers because I focus on them, I believe in them, I know that they will show up. My home overflows with them.
I am not impulsive. I wanted my nose pierced in college and finally did it when I was going through a crazy time in my life, three kids, feeling completely brave and more like myself than ever before. 16 years later.
I thought about this tattoo and if I could really be OK with the permanence for years. I rearrange furniture every month, how could I believe I would still want this marking after a month, or two days? I thought about my friend's tattoo on her wrist. I have loved it since I met her when our first babes were not even 2 years old. I still love it. It is one of my favorite parts of her because it feels familiar, safe, bold and soft all at once. Another friend, mama who entered my world at the same time has my most favorite tattoo that she designed and it extends from the middle of her back out onto her shoulders. It is divine like she is. When I see it I feel her essence even more.
As my 38th year approached Patrick said, "I'm getting you a tattoo for your birthday, so time to decide." Shit. Decide and commit? Not me. A feather, a word, a symbol...back and forth. I kept going back to that beautiful picture of the woman sitting on the bench, smoothing her hair. And then one day I saw the bird. The sweet little sparrow, classic, free, soaring, gentle.
A symbol of spirit, connection (my superpower), softness, love, beauty, desire, being fiercely me. I will add a few soft arrow bands around my arm soon to complete the vision I set out to meet. I am proud of my mama self for being brave. Taking a risk. Sitting down with an incredible soul who talked with me about living in the now while he drew my lifelong bird friend on my wrist.
Writing as part of Andrea Scher's gorgeous launch today feels like standing in a circle of women who I have such love and trust for and with. It feels like joy, honor and grace stenciled on rocks with big black letters. It feels like giggling till your belly hurts and hugs that you melt into. It feels like a glass of red wine sipped while letting dark chocolate melt in your mouth.
Andrea and I connected on Facebook with a little mama-love-fest. Yes, I am one of FB biggest fans. Then we schemed about me sneaking into her workshop at WDS. I totally did. She was the person I talked to after having my scary poke around my bladder appointment at the doctor.
And while life has been so completely out of the norm crazy around here, I'm pretty sure our next conversation will start with me saying, "Holy crap woman, you just stepped into your light in a way that is going to open the gates for other women to find theirs." Or maybe she'll just read that here.
Andrea writes, "To me, a Superhero is someone who invites her wisest, bravest, most alive self to come out and play, every day. This doesn’t mean having all the answers, being unshakably strong, or performing dramatic feats of heroism. It means being someone like you – and someone like me. Someone who is anxious and uncertain, oh, say, 50 – 80% of the time. Someone who wants to live a juicy, full, courageous life — but doesn’t always know how. Someone who understands that vulnerability just might be the greatest superpower of all."
And so I feel really vulnerable every time I write about my leaking bladder or talk about my marriage struggles or tell you how freaking hard it is to be a mother. I feel scared to share the details. I wonder if I ever told you about the panic attack I had during a live call with women I business coach. I was so scared to post that picture on Instagram of myself 14 years ago because I don't look like her anymore. But I love her.
I'm the one who sees bravery as a tattoo on her soul.
I'm the one who each year sheds a layer so she can love more.
I'm the one who eats chocolate for breakfast if I want to.
I'm the one who forgets appointments and bills and laundry for 3 days in the washer because writing to you captures my spirit.
I'm the one who daily follows her spirit before glancing at her calendar.
I'm the one who believes that connection is her superpower.
I'm the one who finds feathers where you'll never see a bird.
I'm the one who sits in her leather chair, pouring over Andrea's words, grateful that she guides me to say, "What's next? 'Cause I'm coming."
I'm the one who believes in you. You are my superpower.
***
A giveaway spree is happening over on Superhero Life today. Leave a comment over there and, you know, maybe win something fantastic.
When he told me that 19 years ago I thought he was kidding. His flirtations started with me just a few days after I turned 19. Here was this big guy who had a big crush on me and I thought, "Oh, cute pick up line!" Well, he really does. And we really do, September 20th. We would go on to have Chloe on September 15th and then Lucas on September 9th. Huge birthday month for us. (Eli gets June all to himself!)
What I most wanted for my birthday was space. I've been making a whole lot of space in my life for my own heart, home and mind and I want to share it with you.
This is the cleanse that has very little to do with food (but you get two new recipes a day) and is not about restriction. It is about expanding space. It is magical. I know because I have lived it. This cleanse grew from the work I was doing in my own life, clearing the clutter from my home which opened up the space inside my heart and mind to truly access my essence.
I am eager for the lists that make their way out on sleepy Friday mornings. Today I am a praying for ease, meditating on ease, dreaming of ease, sending blessings of ease, stirring ease into my decaf so I might be greeted with a slow day, a day that I need to feel so not-so-out-of-control kind of mama.
These are my pay-it-forward lists.
***
Sending you all with blessings for a beautiful weekend. xo
My guiding word for the year is magic.
I like to give each month a name, or place a guiding phrase behind it so that I will know what I'm working towards. September is the month I am turning 38, an age I have been excited about for a long time. 38 feels solid, secure. I have my children and now watch them grow. I have a gorgeous business that I am nurturing and bringing to a new place. I have been married for almost 14 years, together with Patrick for 19 years. Oh yes, I said 19!
Things scare me. Jumping out of an airplane. Getting a tattoo. Having those conversations with my man that affirm that we aren't always connected, that a new phase of the marriage is coming. I think tattoos and conversations can be quite sexy, so the jumping out of a plane is not going on the brave list, not so sexy to me.
Being brave is saying, I am not feeling so happy right now and I need to tell you.
Being brave is going to the place in your heart that knows the little secret longing you have and listening to it.
Being brave is giving when you have little.
Being brave is getting that ink you have always dreamt of, even though permanency is scary as shit.
Being brave is connecting in new ways, when you are safe sitting in your house, on your couch, with your computer in your lap.
Being brave is choosing the path to healing, not the quick fix.
Being brave is caring for someone else when you most need to be cared for.
Being brave is taking a breath when you just want to scream at the kids for fighting, again.
Being brave is the 12th carload to the salvation army because stuff everywhere doesn't feel good even though letting it go hurts.
Being brave is letting them ride their bikes around the neighborhood without you.
Being brave is figuring out how to be sexy again, after years of growing children, nursing them, holding them every night.
Being brave is creating the next program, having faith that it is right, it is time, it is now.
Being brave is believing Oprah really is your friend on Instagram.
Being brave is going towards the unknown of all of it.
Being brave is saying Holy Shit!!! Holy Shit!!! Holy Shit!!! three times on your blog.
Being brave is that yoga class you swear you are going to start taking on Tuesday nights.
Being brave is public accountability for that yoga class, the tattoo, that next program. (What else did I just promise I was doing?)
Being brave is not having the bladder surgery and leaving pride at the door. Yep, bladder is gonna' rock it out in physical therapy.
Being brave is putting the four year old in one day of day care so that you can finally have one full day to work, co-work at that!
Being brave is our now.
Being brave is saying that jumping out of a plane is so not happening, cause I gotta' be me. This new version of me that is being brave. In my own ways.
Wanna join me? September, all I ask for my birthday is that we can do this together. Brave is our now.
Part of the post is from a letter from The Joy Up, A 30 Day Journey. Shared with love::
Learning to love myself, finally, after 37ish years came quite surprisingly at my highest non-pregnant weight. Spending years in yo=yo diets, and I mean since I was like 12, I finally stopped. Stopped all of the diets and rules and early gym mornings. I just let my body be.
20 pounds over my post pregnancy weight at 150 pounds (on the scale at the Dr. office, not knowing my weight since obsessively weighing to stay 128 pounds for years), I stopped. Let it all go. Released. Started to enjoy food again. This last year of my life has been a turning point. I learned to love myself, to release all the old thoughts of having to control everything. I knew all of it intellectually but had never quite been able to live it. Until Joy and I started to dance and she took my hand and led me down a path that I continue to discover daily.
As I would eat foods, no restrictions, some things that were known to be healthy wouldn't feel good inside of my body. Other foods would feel delicious. It took me months to learn to trust that intuition, that deep body knowledge, what I always knew all along. This trust feels gorgeous. It is not deprivation, it is delicious knowing.
It meant that I stopped trying to give up the morning cup of decaf I loved so much and never bothered me. But I gave up the gluten-free toast that was making me sick.
It also meant loving a wiggly, jiggly belly. A face that was fuller than I remembered it ever being.
It was me. Meeting my needs for feeling amazing in this body of mine. For easing the burden of brain fog and bloated belly. My needs for feeding myself with the same amount of love I finally felt for myself. It continues with that layering in movement, space, stillness, nurturing with time and energy.
I got to that love through joy. Through my allowing of joy to be present despite all of the past hurts, pains, regrets. Allowing joy to shine inside of my body, even when I felt down. In the very basic discovery that what I want, is made today. Love. Loved. Joy.
I had a hard time letting go of wanting to eat the classic healthy foods. Brown rice, oats, green smoothies. I fought to keep those in my life because others felt good eating them. When I let all the rules go, let go of any restrictions other than I must feel good when I nourish myself, I felt like I was myself again. A self that feels gorgeous in her skin. Intuitive eating. Letting go of your need for any other outcome other than being totally in love with you.
The only way it could have happened for me was to find that love in a weight that felt uncomfortable to the woman who had spent so many years dieting. In a body that had longed to be skinnier its whole life. (I recently saw a picture of myself in HS and couldn't believe that this girl could feel so badly about herself, she was so cute and I just wanted to hug her. I was almost surprised by how small I was.)
To celebrate myself I went to a conference this past July and it was the first time before a very public event that I didn't spend time trying to lose just a few pounds so my stomach would be just a little bit skinnier. It was the first time I got dressed to be surrounded by my friends and colleagues and felt beautiful. Like glowing. Like me. Like the woman I have been trying to be my whole life.
Each morning at my hotel I had the most delicious eggs and sausage that I have ever eaten. I sipped decaf lattes. I ate gelato with my soul-sisters. (Ahem, Rachel, Tiffany, Michelle, Laura.) I felt like a woman. I should feel that way, shouldn't I? Honoring my curves.
When my husband says, "You look beautiful" I should feel that from the inside, shouldn't I? When we are together in that delicious way, I should want him touching all of me, not everywhere except my belly.
Joy wants to take your hand, your joy sisters want to stand in a circle with you, celebrating this deep love.
The way I could be loved at 18 is so very different than the way I can be loved now. It is so much deeper, so much more intense and whole and can scare the shit out me.
This is the journey into joy.
Surgery was suggested. I will wait. A lifetime to make that decision.
The leaking of my bladder became worse in April after the worst flare up of IC that I have experienced. I was angry. A 37 year old body. I kept thinking how unfair that was. But is it 'fair' at any age? Don't we teach the kids that 'fair' isn't what we are looking to find in this life, but rather freedom and passion inside of ourselves.
The moment comes when you are ready to tell a new story because you are ready to stop holding on to what was.
My bladder leaks. Now I must strengthen it. I must learn to use this body of mine along with all of the resources and healers waiting for me. On a daily basis I can handle the leaking with chemical free liners and I am no longer feeling the shame of this.
There is a gift of nurturing myself inside of this strengthening I will be doing. I place my hands over my bladder and my belly each time I start to feel a flare up and I breathe light into myself. I ask my bladder what I must release so that it can settle.
***
More from the bladder story::
Curled up:: heart cracked wide open receiving the blessings that can now enter.
Feeling:: the slight shift of weather, a cool breeze blowing against the thoughts of sweaters wrapped around my body.
Soft gaze:: searching for the color, the gratitude of this body.
Wanting:: stillness, softness, connection from heart to heart to heart to heart to heart to heart to heart...
Reflecting:: on how one moment, one message can change everything.
I am eager for the lists that make their way out on sleepy Friday mornings. Today I am a shocked that I didn't blog this week but wrote a lot in my head, feeling the space of Fridays, waiting for bacon to arrive for breakfast while realizing I planned nothing for dinner (oh no) kind of mama.
These are my pay-it-forward lists.
I am eager for the lists that make their way out on sleepy Friday mornings. Today I am a having a hard time being a mama (these weeks happen), feet in the sand, french press coffee and soaking up hearing my three year old say 'I love you' again kind of mama.
These are my pay-it-forward lists.
