Love Letters From Patrick

I am officially on my own. Patrick has returned to work and the first day I must have been propelled by post baby endorphins. Lucas slept and I did 4 loads of laundry, made pudding with Eli, cookies with Chloe...and Lucas kept sleeping. I swept the floor, vaccumed, took garbage out and washed dishes. Lucas kept sleeping, infact he has his days and nights so confused I barely saw his eyes. He was happy to show them to me later that evening however, for quite some time. Needless to say on day three of "on my own" and lack of sleep setting in I'm having trouble simply talking myself into taking a shower.

I am having left over pasta for breakfast and Eli has broken into the hummus and rice crackers.

My mind drifts to the two weeks I had Patrick here and the wonderful food he would make for me. His transformation as a third time dad is wonderful to watch. No nerves, multi-tasking laundry, making meals for all of us, and in the middle of it all stopping to scoop up the baby for me and get out a stubborn burp. I was able to rest and heal and it was one of the nicest times I've spent with my family that is now 5.

One day I asked for a fennel salad with apple and sheep feta and Patrick was happy to oblige. And if after 15 years together I ever wonder how he feels, the love letters still find their way to me in the most unlikely of places. That apple says it all, and it was a really good salad.

Lucas Clancy Arrives

How do you write about the birth of your baby? It would be more interesting perhaps to hear what the other participants of the birth had to say. I wonder what Patrick was thinking as each contraction hit my uterus, low down, in a place that I'd never felt them before with Chloe or Eli. His hands so strong behind my neck, holding my shoulders, reminding me to stay down, stay low. I wonder what Carmel and Ali thought as they listened to me moaning low down into the water. Did they find themselves remembering their own labors, feeling the energy of each rush, rush into their memory? My midwife Sue, sitting so quietly, yet with every sound I made, knowing exactly where my body was and where it was headed to. I've always wished I could be an observer at my own labors and this time I was more present than ever before. In between each contraction I felt almost as though I wasn't in labor any more. I would be fully present feeling the water all around, seeing the faces around me, preparing for the next contraction.

It amazes me how each labor, like each baby, is entirely it's own creature, it's own unique experience. I have always been in search of the perfect labor, having read countless stories of relaxed beautiful arrivals into the world. I now have 3 stories, each as different as the children I now love. And I now realize that my stories are all very "me," they speak of who I was at each time, who I have grown to become. I stopped searching to have a labor that was someone else's story and just let my own happen. To be fully connected to Patrick during my labor, as connected as we have been since our first flirtations 15 (yes 15) years ago. That is my story this time. To forgive myself for not having the perfect calm birth as I pushed him out. (I was not calm or quiet, I was scared and desperate, even though I knew deep inside it would be ok.) Patrick once again, his head right next to mine, telling me to listen and focus and get that baby out. I remember hearing Ali tell me that I could reach down and feel his head and in my perfect birth story I would have reached down and felt his head and then given one last push and had him in my arms. In my real birth story, I was frightened and needed to get the baby out and touching a head that was causing me the most intense pain I've ever felt was not an option. And so my real birth story went until finally he was in my arms and the pain started to release. I was staring into what looked like Chloe's brother, little squished nose like she had, perfect body, solid and cute, red and purple all over. I wished I hadn't lost control but it is my story. I wanted to run away and then just as quickly wanted to lay there holding this baby in my arms forever, not letting time pass and transform him into the child he will become. Holding the warm and wet baby that has been living inside of you for the first time is the ending of the birth story and the beginning of a new story. The story of Lucas as he joins our family and forever makes us 5.

And so on September 9th, 2008 we said, "Happy Birthday" to Lucas Clancy Marcotti, 9lbs 3oz.

Patrick's Puttanesca

Take kids to a birthday party at 2:30. Leave recipe for husband. Arrive home with happily fed children and walk into the best smell you could hope for. Pour two glasses of wine, sit down and feast while kids play with goody-bags. Toast your due date while full well knowing you probably have another week before you meet the baby.

1 lb pasta, we used penne but a nice thin spaghetti would be nice (slightly undercooked as you will be adding it in the sauce)
5 garlic cloves, chopped
12 anchovies
1/2-1 tsp red pepper flakes

1/3 cup of evoo
1 28 oz can organic whole tomatoes in their juice, break
them up with your hands
1/2 cup kalamatas, chopped
2 TB drained capers
1 tsp agave
3/4 cup of chopped fresh basil

Saute garlic, anchovy, and pepper flakes in oil for about 5 minutes. Add tomatoes, olives, capers, and agave and let cook for another 10 minutes. Add basil and turn off the heat. Add pasta and toss to coat. Garnish with some whole olives, more fresh basil and yummy romano cheese.

Baby Wishes... Pasta Puttanesca....Insomnia

We were out for a family walk with the new lightweight double stroller and Eli looked up into the sky. He saw what he thought was a falling star, really it was a cloud with a little tail on it, and he said it was a wishing star. I asked him what his wish was and he simply said, "the baby."

An amazing dinner, the recipe not yet post worthy, but soon will be perfected. You know the pasta, the salty anchovies, kalamatas and capers. Why haven't I been making this for years? I've always loved it and now Patrick can find nothing wrong with a caper in his pasta. Pour me a glass of wine and start melting those anchovies, I'll be requesting this one on Patrick's paternity leave.

I can't sleep. I'm exhausted. Creepy crawlies all over my legs, my body itches. For weeks now the same story, I'm adjusting to it. I worry about the baby, maybe something will be wrong, maybe we can't love another child like we love Eli and Chloe. I worry the house will be a mess when I go into labor and I'll be staring at dog hair all over the floor. But mostly, I just really can't sleep.

I wish for a clean house, a huge bowl of pasta with lots of romano cheese on it and to be sleepy enough to dream of babies who come from wishing stars.

First Day of A Life of Learning

And the day has arrived...Chloe meets Kindergarten, Catholic style. The children all met up in the courtyard with their parents, a few of them looking just as lost as we were. The principal greeted us in her "beautiful, fancy shoes," as Chloe pointed out and we stood there waiting to see what would happen next. It took only a few minutes for Chloe to wipe the pensive look she had been dutifully practicing and say, "I think I kind of like it here."

Flashback 28 years ago, I am at my first day of Kindergarten, eyes closed, refusing to open them and look at anyone or anything. I still get that feeling sometimes in new places...this child has been good for me. She greets these new days as adventures, looks forward to making new friends and can't wait to open her lunch box and read her little note. (Speaking of which, I need to get more creative on these...any clever ideas are gladly accepted!)

She had a long, good day at her new school, it's her favorite school ever, after one day. I'm glad the baby is giving us time to get settled in our new routines before adding the next level of excitement to our lives. Eli wishes he could go to school with Chloe, but he's happy to have her "old" favorite school and celebrate as he calls himself a pre-schooler. I am more tired everyday and will be happy to have my body back and wear this baby on the outside. I will start school in January and continue my life of learning along with my children.

The house is full of uniforms, lunch boxes and new school shoes. Boxes full of supplies for the home birth. Dark chocolate sitting and waiting to be turned into brownies. Dishes piling up in the sink, homemade meals becoming less frequent and a dog who can't adjust to our new schedule. Patrick walks into chaos most nights at 5:30 and the battle at bedtime, well, you know that tooth brushing battle. At bedtime tonight daddy had both kids asleep by the second song. And tomorrow I will write on a little note that goes in a pink lunch box belonging to a little girl who's off to her second day of Kindergarten.

Who Will You Be?

Whenever I'm feeling a bit down I want to be at the beach. There is something about the waves, the smell and sounds calm me and everything seems better. At eleven o'clock at night I settle for some pictures, memories to take me back to the ocean.

Tonight as I look at this picture and feel the baby dance inside my belly I wonder if we will be adding another really cool guy to our family who will soon be climbing rocks with his daddy and brother. Or will we have another wide-eyed baby girl, this time perhaps with brown eyes? What sort of balance will come from this new child into our lives? How will the kids take on their new baby?

As Patrick and I approach our 10th anniversary we will be holding a new baby in our arms. Probably our last, and we will savor every moment of it. Chloe in Kindergarten, Eli in preschool and a new baby. Change is all around us, like the waves on the beach washing over the sand, and I am must greet each of our "waves," ready or not. These last days are full of my last swollen pregnant ankles and crazy hormones. A belly that Chloe will hopefully remember when she is older and looks at the pictures she took of it. A pregnancy that took us by surprise and yet feels so perfectly "planned."

Ok baby, we're ready.

Rainy Day Pasta Blues

Leftover pasta is a hot ticket in this house and today it walked out the door with Patrick. I moped around for about 2 hours dreaming of the ground bison in the yummy mushroom sauce. I knew I could go out and get another jar of sauce, thaw some more bison, get some more pasta and romano, but it's raining. I'm not leaving the house today. The temperature is actually going down and I couldn't be happier. I can breathe, no swelling feet and there is left-over chocolate goddess cake in the fridge so things aren't really looking so bad.

And then I remembered the teeny, tiny little eggplant from the CSA. And some cute little onions. Nappa cabbage, sheep feta, eggs...I have a meal.

It is not easy to make a scrambled egg look good in a picture. But here it is, my rainy day lunch.

Asian Eggplant Saute with Scrambled Egg

1 teeny, tiny Japanese eggplant, sliced
1/2 teeny, tiny sweet onion, sliced
4 large nappa cabbage leaves, thinly sliced
splash of rice wine vinegar
2 eggs, scrambled
chunk of sheep feta
4 or 5 beautiful, sweet cherry tomatoes, sliced

Saute the eggplant and onion in olive oil until soft. Add cabbage until wilted and splash in vinegar to taste. Plate the saute, add a little more oil to pan, scramble the egg, then place on top of the veges. Sprinkle on the cheese and tomatoes, add some fresh cracked pepper and enjoy with a cup of green tea!!! Serves one very hungry person who has cake for dessert.

A Beautiful Day for Brunch

To celebrate an amazing woman who just turned 30 (thank you for joining me in the 30 somethings) and who has officially graduated from a life changing program at The Institute of Integrative Nutrition we went to brunch, kid free. A wonderful Cafe by the river, with a selection of food that forces you to plan your return trip so you can try more, but still without kids! Ali is an inspiration to me in so many ways, an amazing mother, friend and cook.

We feasted on Corn and Black Bean Fritters with eggs, avacado and homemade salsa on top, cod cakes with poached eggs and hollandaise sauce, and a burger with beautiful toppings. The wait for a table was an hour and a half so needless to say we were starving and ready to dive in. After we went next door to an amazing little shop that sold kayaks and gellato, a combo you don't see everyday. I had made Dark Goddess Cake from Karina's Kitchen and we all chose flavors to coordinate with the chocolate goodness. The man who ran the store, and who's son scooped the gellato, told us we could use a special spot upstairs with some tables and chairs. We carried our coconut and raspberry yumminess up and found a grown-up tree house waiting for us. We sat outside under the tree which came up through the floor and ate and laughed as the chocolate high set in. This is what a group of friends should do together. This is what we were meant to do, eat, laugh and enjoy eachother. We do not take enough time to laugh together and special occasions force us into remembering how to have fun and relax.

Here's to many more years of friendship and laughter with these ladies. Many more years of amazing pot-lucks and food inspired get-togethers. And best of all, laughter.

Ali, you are amazing!!!

Adopt a Gluten-Free Blogger Event

I thought it would be fun to try this event out since there are so many amazing gluten-free sites and wonderful recipes to make. I have a crazy sweet tooth this pregnancy but my stomach really hurts when I eat most grains and sweetners . I am trying to strike a balance. Eli needs to eat like I do and naturally avoids most gluten and dairy products when we are at home. He loves my dairy and gluten-free baking so it is always rewarding pulling something new out of the oven. We tried out these amazing Oatmeal Date Chocolate Cookies from Mrs. G.F. - Recipes for a Gluten Free Life. I used the spectrum shortening instead of butter and my flour mix was sweet sorghum and quinoa which I had on hand. I really wished I had nuts because that would have been fabulous. They tasted like a trail mix cookie and I was thinking of adding coconut, flax, nuts and even other dried fruits if we ever used them as an energy cookie! (Perhaps after labor!) It is so nice to find that gluten-free baking is easy, delicious and nothing lasts long once coming out of the oven.

Nesting

With the need for nesting upon me, it is a struggle to find ways to stay cool while cleaning and clearing space. The urge is overwhelming so it was off to the fridge. I normally do not want my fridge looked in with it's mess of old bottles, spilt unknowns and whatever else lies within it. I was inspired and the result was really pretty. Grains and flours in glass jars, shelves moved to the correct height for placement of items, and everything scrubbed till shiny. I sat on a stool, the cool air kept me calm and the kids played while I nested in my fridge.

Candy Apple, Fennel Salad

I found a little forgotten bulb of baby fennel in the fridge from the CSA. The flavor isn't as strong as the large bulbs but it smells amazing. This is the salad it found itself in.

Candy Apple, Fennel Salad

1 small bulb baby fennel, thinly sliced 1 piece of the fronds, chopped up 1/2 an apple, thinly sliced (I made triangle shapes) 1/4 english cucumber, thinly sliced small palmfull of raisins small palmfull of sunflower seeds or cashews

Dressing

2TB Olive Oil 1TB Rice Vinegar (low sodium) splash of umeboshi vinegar (optional) fresh cracked pepper

Whisk together the dressing, pour over the salad. If it can sit in the fridge for 30 minutes it will be even better. If you don't have rice vinegar use apple cider vinegar and honey or agave. This is a sweet and salty salad like a candy apple dipped in nuts.

Two months until baby 3 arrives and I wanted bread and soup today. It may be 81 degrees in here but I've been gluten free and missing bread. Two hours after the chopping of onions started we sat down to Roasted Corn Chowder and Gypsy Soda Bread (gluten-free of course). My very large belly, complete with heels and knees morphing from it, is full and happy.

I love Mondays. Our only plan is to visit the library in the afternoon and languish in the air conditioning while we read as many books as we can. Then we drag ourselves out to the hot car and stick to the seats as we drive home to cook dinner. And if we are really crazy make soup and bread. Lazy summer days hanging with my kids has been more relaxing than expected.

Today in the garden the kids found one of our praying mantises and he was not wanting his picture taken. That little guy could run fast, but we finally got him to sit still on a rock just long enough to capture the moment. Chloe wanted to take pictures and used me as her subject. I figured I was going to need a few pictures of this pregnancy to prove to the baby someday that he/she was really inside me.

Now as I'm listening to their daddy read them bedtime stories I'm thinking of that bread and how yummy it is going to be with scrambled eggs in the morning!

Eli has spent the last few days defying green. He is like a superhero determined to keep parsley out of his egg salad and green beans can go in his ear but he will protect his mouth from the crispy creatures. Chloe and I have been busy in the kitchen...making hummus, guacamole, and Cuban black beans and rice. Her favorite part was making mint ice cubes with all the left-over mint. We make sure we have a pitcher of ice tea sitting on the counter at all times as we all get a bit bored with ice water. Feeling better these last few weeks and getting back to healthy eating has brightened my outlook which was truly a bit rotten if I'm telling the truth.

The CSA has been a bit boring and garlic scapes are piling up in my freezer. One final potluck of the summer and I will be whipping up a batch of garlic scape pesto and bringing a huge vat of pasta drowning in the stuff. However, I have turnip and beet greens, as well as red leaf lettuce for a huge salad with dinner tonight. What a pleasure to eat salad again. Now let's see what the superhero has to say about those "red" leaves.

Eli Turns Three

This morning I wake up next to a three year old. He stretches his arms, peeks open his eyes and gives me the sheepish smile I see every morning. Then he curls up into my body and we snuggle, my face buried in his summer blond hair. "It's someone's birthday today," I tell him. "It's my birthday?" he asks me. "I'm gonna get up and go get it." And he's creeping off to go find his birthday. I'm glad he didn't make it the whole night in his own bed. I'm happy to wake up next to him on his special day. We should all be so happy to wake up and chase our birthdays.

Gluten free waffles, fried pastured eggs and organic raspberries, Eli's perfect breakfast. He ate every last bite and then let me feel his muscles. Chloe tells him he looks a little bit bigger. He stands up to show her it's true.

Later we will make dark chocolate brownie. The kids looked at every picture and then decided on these. Who can blame them. With whipped cream and strawberries, the intense chocolate cravings that both children have inherited from me should be satisfied. For now they play knights and pirates, singing Wonder Pet style. I'm off to make a cup of decaf and enjoy the show!

First CSA pick-up

As the thunderstorm brings much needed rain we are preparing for our first CSA pick-up of the year. Images of arugula and delicate greens are dancing in my head as my stomach is finally allowing me to enjoy some of the healthy foods of my pre-pregnant state. The fried foods are less frequent and figuring out which grains and dairy foods hurt my stomach has made these last few weeks much easier. How ironic the one time I should be the healthiest is when french fries become my best friend. So the count down to baby number three begins and the local produce is here. Let's see what we can do with all of this.