Yesterday I cried.

It took some Prosecco.

And a letter that stirred my emotions about connections and money and feelings.

I've been claiming space. Making space. Allowing space. And gifted with space.

Inside of this space I've felt less raw. More open.

I'm not crying as much. I am still always close to tears but in that delicious HSP way.

This space I've been searching for, searching for years. This knowing, this knowing that I've got this.

My dreams vivid, full of colors I never see in waking life.

There are days when I get in the car with a friend and we drive and plan and eat and lift our faces to the sun. Space. Pulling myself away from the computer where I've created deep love and success and giving myself permission to start living those things.

Feeling. Less raw. Filling in the gaps of times that never were.

The necklace I was wearing around my neck with the word light fell off the other day. It broke. And I set it down to fix it. I let it sit there for weeks.

I met a woman recently and I kept thinking of wrapping her in light. So I will fix the necklace and I will let the light carry forward.

Because when I cried yesterday I knew that I was already there.

In the light. In the space that I visioned forth. In the space that is rolling me in her beauty and guiding me in faith.

Tears of affirmation. Floating inside of fears and still paddling.

So that I may guide.

In the light.

The Loft Workshop Series:: Tastes of Spring

 

When: Thursday, June 6th  7-10 pm

What: A cooking class led by Persephone Brown

Where: The Loft,  workshop and retreat space for women in Rhode Island, Hope Artiste Village

Cost: $75 (We are currently filled, if you are interested in a space, please email hello@hannahmarcotti.com to be put on the wait list. xo)

 

Please join me in The Loft as I host one of my dearest friends and the most amazing whole foods chef I know, Persephone Brown. We will be sipping wine, learning her techniques and tricks, sitting at the table enjoying the gorgeous food and everyone will be taking home something special they create themselves.

 

One of my dreams has been to have a space that can bring communitiy together over food, using our hands, visioning and tribe building. I am so excited that Persephone is my first guest at The Loft. Will you join me for a night that will make us want to gather and circle more because we leave lifted and filled and glowing?

 

 

From Persephone:: A perfect recipe starts with flavor, then color.  A perfect dish grabs hold of all of your senses, you smile at the sight of its beauty, the textures dance on your tongue.  A perfect meal nourishes you beyond healthy nail beds and belly, with story, and laughter, and soft colorful cloth napkins.  A perfect meal is messy, and simple, and lovingly prepared.  The first bite you dance, the last bite you sigh, and every moment in between all that exists is love.

Cooking for my family, I create dishes that are simple, lovingly prepared, beautiful, and delicious.  Whole body nourishment is our platform to living the gorgeous life.  In this unique kitchen experience you will learn to make some of my favorite dishes while we clink glasses, share stories, and feast.

On June 6th, as we slowly start to feel summer's approach, we will be exploring some of the beautiful foods that Spring offers us for just a short time more. You will learn how to make and then gather around the table to enjoy 6 dishes that will dance with your tastebuds and excite you to go home to your kitchen and prepare for a gathering around your table.

I can't wait to meet you and join you at the table.

 Tastes of Spring Menu

red pepper~walnut crudite

avocado stuffed portobella with tomato and arame

roasted spring vegetables with lemon & greek yogurt

citrus marinated scallops

raw banana pie

chocolate almond truffles

*All dishes are gluten & grain free.  If this feels like it is right for you but you have an allergy or food restriction, please ask, accommodations may be made.

I am a firm believer in you are what you eat.  I am a healthy living coach and chef who teaches and inspires women to feed themselves beautiful meals that nourish through their simplicity, color, and flavor.  Food can distort and distract from our experiences or ground and connect us to them.  To find out more about cooking classes, guided cleanses, or to read about my life and experiments in the kitchen, visit www.PersephoneBrown.com

Beautiful Faces. Magical Places.

 

I am eager for the lists that make their way out on sleepy Friday mornings. Today I am a showered, rather calm for me, forgetting the dog food again, excited for the potential of today kind of woman.

Oh me, I love love.

Facebook, you know I adore you, but we really need to talk about this.

I have this one on repeat today.

I've run into this one a few times, and each time, feel the magic.

Bam.

She made me cry with this one.

You had me at dancing with the moon.

The Loft Workshop Series:: A night of visioning

When: Wednesday, May 22, 2013 7pm - 10pm

Where: The Loft, a community workshop and retreat space for women in Rhode Island, Hope Artiste Village

What you’ll need if you are a new participant: Two or more magazines, and wine if you want to sip some while you create! A vision book will be provided for you.

What you'll need if you have taken The Spirits of Joy course: Magazines, wine if you desire it and your vision book

Sold out!!!! Thank you.

Spirits of Joy comes alive and The Loft welcomes you to feel its magic….

A night of circling, exploring, creating, expanding, visioning.

In Spirits of Joy we spent 30 days bringing prompts to life in our joy books, finding our desires and creating pages filled with the words and visions and feelings that surround them. We harnessed our manifesting magic through visioning, so we could love this life now while creating a future of our dreams.

During this visioning workshop we'll work on 3 or 4 prompts together, sharing our pages and intentions. Women holding dreams for one another is one of the most powerful forces!!! The pdf for all 30 days of prompts will be sent to everyone attending.

We will circle at The Loft and journey together through magazines, finding the words and images and feelings contained in our dreams and create pages for our joy books. Together, we’ll provide a gorgeous container for our energies and maybe sip some wine, too. It will be a night of manifesting and magic, circling and expanding.

Snacks will be provided but bring a bottle of wine to enjoy while you create and vision. There is plenty of parking, on street and in an assigned lot for the Hope Artiste Village. If you have a vision book from the online course, Spirits of Joy, please bring it!!! If this is all new to you, a vision book will be provided.

Limited, limited space available. Make sure to grab your space!

As you lose your feathers.

I taught myself how to truly live in abundance through feathers. I tell the story in my vision book workshops and I will guide the community of The August Joy Up (yes, joy up is coming, its coming!!!) in learning to understand abundance this way. For now, I'll just say feathers became my thing. Quickly I was finding feathers where there never was a bird and my life started to switch from one of lack and complaining into one of abundance and gratitude.

As a highly sensitive person I tend to wear very few things, like only 4 of the shirts in the drawer and lots of leggings and yoga pants. I find a pair of earrings and wear them every day. I find a favorite shirt and I'll have it made in black and gray and white. I crave comfort and familiarity when dressing.

During my early practice with feathers I found these gorgeous, long earrings with feathers in my color story on Etsy. They were reiki blessed and held my favorite color stones. I wore them every day. They loved me. We had a love affair. They were soft and I really never felt them but always could glance the chains and stones hanging right by my chin and neck.

In Seattle this past April I was sitting in a gorgeous French Restaurant with Persephone. We had just taught at Feast Retreat and we were having a quick meal to celebrate our time and to give me a chance to sit in a city I had left 14 years ago.

I took off my coat and brushed my hair out of my face and on one side there was no feather. I looked in my coat, on the floor. Gone.

 I felt for a moment, frozen. Persephone knew how much those earrings meant to me, how attached to 'things' I can get. We kept looking for a bit and then sat down and ordered a drink.

"OK, so what are you releasing?" Persephone asks.

I think I probably threw my head on the counter and moaned. Damn. OK. Perfect.

I can't remember what I said, if anything good at all. But the truth was that I was releasing so much.

During the retreat Liz gave me full permission to show up as my highly sensitive self. To take time away when I needed it. To truly honor my needs. I didn't think I would be able to do it but once I got there I felt such deep permission, the kind that I give others but rarely receive. One day I even went to lay down and fell asleep before lunch. I never nap, let alone in a place outside of my home.

I released being afraid of getting my needs met while around others.

I had only a very short time in Seattle, the city where I lived for 3 1/2 years from 21-24. When I was there I was inside of a lot of struggle. I had huge body image challenges, I was in and out of jobs that didn't fullfill me, I was a struggling actor, I felt so distant from myself as a woman, from my sexuality, from being seen. There were decisions I made there that I had been holding onto with regret. There was a loss of self that I could never piece into the forgiveness that I have for myself now.

Being back in the city, as this woman who has journeyed, done the work, hacked joy, fallen in love with life, being there in that moment, as this me, was healing. Because I was ready.

I released regret, old stored pain and the fear of forgiveness. And I forgave myself.

I think about someone walking down the streets of Seattle and finding this feather earring. Finding a symbol of my release. Or maybe a bird will pick it up and add it to a nest they are making. I imagine that the earring's story did not end when it fell from my ear but simply moved into the chapter titled, The Release.

Losing my feathers, molting, this is what happens when we start to fly, to soar, to grow.

Let’s shed one fear, like a bird loses a feather in flight, by stating it, naming it and letting it flow off of us as though we are birds in flight, knowing that once it drops it will become a magical gift of release…

And the person who finds your feather, she is just learning about magic. 

***

Follow up:: I contacted the woman who made me the earrings so long ago and she is creating a whole new pair of them for me. I don't know what they'll look like but my heart is happy.

***

Community Grace starts Wednesday. Are you ready???

***

In just a few days the workshop series at The Loft in Rhode Island will be launched. Get ready for serious feather releasing magic.

Space without words.

Photo credit picture 9 Lori Massie-Spriestersbach, picture 10 Vivienne McMaster

I am beautiful.

Photo by Vivienne McMaster

4% of women think they are beautiful. What kind of fucked up is that? What kind of world am I raising a gorgeous daughter in?

I cried when I told Patrick about this video as we were lying in the dark. I couldn't talk about it without kind of falling apart. This is one of the reasons I am on this earth. Because I've spent most of my life trying to say those words.

I am beautiful.

I am beautiful.

I am beautiful.

And sometimes I see a picture of myself and I feel ugly. Sometimes I wake up and I see my neck starting to show my age, even though I love the age I am. Sometimes I look at my belly and want to hide it.

But still, I am beautiful.

I am beautiful.

I am beautiful.

When I removed all magazines, tv and other forms of beauty as defined by advertisers my world changed. And while I still don't think Dove is stretching itself to the beauty that is too far out of our American comfort zones, it is a start. And I feel blessed at any sort of start.

Chloe's dad tells her she is beautiful and smart and funny. I tell her that she makes the most amazing outfits and has a style that no other 10 year old has. She never sees commercials or magazine adds (well, she sees magazines, but ones that we cut up for visioning!) or has voices coming from outside of her telling her she is not living up.

At 10 years old I already thought I was fat.

At 16 I convinced myself I should stop eating so I could feel love.

At 18 I went into therapy for the first time.

At 24 I dieted my already tiny body down to a size nothing for my wedding.

At 34 after my third baby was born I dieted down to a size 4/6 and convinced myself it wasn't really dieting, just healthing living.

At 36 I gained 20 pounds.

At 38 I declared the war over.

At 38 I knew it would be the year that my life would change forever.

At 38 I finally saw my beauty. And it surprised me.

At 38 I knew that if I could see my beauty I could guide other women to see theirs.

At 38 I believed it when someone told me I was beautiful.

At 38 I have peace when I see my reflection.

At 38 I stood in the woods and let a gorgeous photographer take pictures of my belly. (More on that soon.)

At 38 I looked in the mirror, 20 pounds over the weight I had kept myself at for years and said...

I am beautiful.

And everything changed.

There is so much work I have to do on my soul and my past and my spirit. There is so much I am learning so I can show up as a guide and writer and friend and partner and mother.

And I love the work. I will do the work. And I will ask you to show up and do your work so that if you are not in that 4%, the 4% that makes me tear up when I think about that preciously tiny number, if you are not in it - good. Because I don't want you in the 4%, I want you in the 100%, the 100% of women who know they are beautiful.

Let's raise it together. Let's show up even when it is hard. Let's show up in our beauty. In this gorgeous life.

***

Here is how I can help guide you right now into this beauty. First as part of community who lift each other up, who hold the belief that as women who are gathering inside of community we see our beauty together. We hold space for our sisters to shine in their light and allow us to shine in ours. Community Grace starts May 1st.

If you really want to rock your world in May, join my sweet friend Vivienne in her course Be Your Own Beloved. I've done it once and will do it again. Looking in your own eyes really is life changing.

Let May be the month you start to let your light shine, your beauty radiate and where you know that there are circles of women who want that for you. They want to make that space for you to step into your gorgeous life. We are only beginning.

Beautiful Faces. Magical Places.

 

I am eager for the lists that make their way out on sleepy Friday mornings. Today I am a woman united with a world struggling to understand, take a deep breath. Today I am love. Today we are love.

Look into the eyes.  {found from Susannah}

I am rather in love with this company. I don't own anything from them but these words, this understanding, this makes me .

Read this 17 times-ish. Felt more softness inside...

From an old friend and client. This.

I will never save the poem for just the end. This to me was such a brilliant emotional untangling.

There is a lot of juice in this one.

Just ordered this and can't wait!!!!

One of the loves in my life, who helps me heal, laugh and feel such joy.

 Anything Justine, but we can start here this week. "Epic is about bringing it." Huge crush on this woman.

Falling

In the cracks I am falling through your words.

In the cracks I am the hardness of your bicep where my head rests, has always known.

In the cracks I am inside your endless disregard of my zenith of awakening.

In the cracks I am the quiet kiss that the beep affirms, that plays with my pleasure - insatiable for your notice.

In the cracks I am your spirit lover, the one who impinged your feelings...the ones that my wings would soon set free.

In the cracks -your cracks- I am fucked-up, hands together over the place that holds breath -my breath- and I want my reflection back.

In the cracks I am your one time longing, feather falling, the one that swims through pulsing white rocks filling space of emptiness.

In the cracks I am young art, folded in wrapped scarves. Draping my belly from sight.

In the cracks I am the opening of my secrecy, my floating eyes, the clench of a pelvis searching for breath.

In the cracks I am slipping in each, in each, in each.

In the cracks I am falling through words.

Highly sensitive lists.

she has a fever.

i get up after she finally falls to sleep, hours of waking, 'mama my stomach hurts,' and i can't make it stop.

i clear off the tiny kitchen table that has been covered in stuff for weeks.

the coffee smells like everything. memories, joy, longings, pleasure.

where are the kids thursday, what do i leave for dinner.

without my mother, Patrick, best friends, this travel wouldn't be possible. deep gratitude for the village.

packing list. i can't forget my favorite shirts. how many boots can i cram inside the tiny red case.

little sleep the days before travel.

my mind revolves, i see the prescription for xanax that i think about filling every time before i fly. and never have.

i am about to land in a state that held my life for almost 4 years. i have changed so much.

the young girl who left 14 years ago returns as a woman.

i have curves now. babies. desires filled and filling.

tattoos now grace my skin and the long hair that was cut off there is now returning. and i adore it.

both boys sleeping on the couch as i sip the coffee and sit in the tiny kitchen. i love this kitchen.

when i asked him to leave that home that was once ours he agreed. but i know the decision hurt him. he loved it there. i was so lost.

i feel peace at the east's oceans. never as settled as i am when my feet are buried in her sand.

i feel healing at the west's oceans. my adventure, longings, excitement on her shores.

the whole house sleeps. dog snores.

i make the lists. target. art supplies. i want to go out for breakfast.

the yellow pages pull my anxieties and delights together.

let it rain on your soul. my vision board holds these words.

birds are singing. coffee cold.

he is stirring.

my stomach rumbles. i am grateful. the lists pull my wandering mind back in.

for one moment i relax. and think about what i will have for breakfast.

A love addict is not born.

A love addict was not how I thought I would be defined but once my marriage coach said it something stirred inside. I had this powerful yes float up from my gut to my head. I felt truth.

Our biggest fear as a love addict is being left, abandoned. We crave intimacy and connection and yet in love relationships we do not know how to receive postitive intimacy. We push away while being needy. If we start to see healthy intimacy we want to run. We have expectations of our partners that go beyond healthy. We are starving and feed ourselves only crumbs.

A cupcake is sickening when you are used to eating crumbs. Don't get me started on cake.

My hunger.

For the past few months I have been looking in the mirror and seeking truth.

I have been starving for freedom from this addiction.

Having this knowledge feels like the moment I first heard what a highly sensitive person was. It was like an opening for me to be myself for the first time. It has taken me years to start integrating the past sensitive me with the now sensitive me. It brings me pleasure to know the truth of who I am so that I can show up in light.

My light.

My voice has been quiet recently. Quiet in this public space, reaching out to only my closest few for support and intimacy in the healthiest ways I know. But I want to talk about all of it. I am not afraid to be vulnerable but I am afraid of stuffing this truth inside. I am afraid that if I don't start to talk about it my voice will start to fade.

My voice.

"Eventually, as Love Addicts try harder and harder to manipulate the other person to live up to the mental image they have created-- that is, someone who will care for and love them the way they long to be cared for and loved-- they experience repeated disappointments, because no one can satisfy these insatiable desires." - Facing Love Addiction by Pia Mellody (this is the book, if you feel called to learn more because I am giving very little description in this post, it is life shifting)

The love addict typically is in partnership with a love avoidant, who is also not born. He becomes as survival. (This is not gender specific, just for myself.) We are all born as pure love but every moment we are shaped.

I remember my first baby, two weeks old, she would cry every day for about a total of 9 hours. By the end of the day I would be a puddle of tears and anger and sadness and shame. Even her tiny two week old body was responding to her world, to her stimulus, to things that I couldn't find a way to fix.

My fears.

I am afraid of my loneliness. Of being alone after starving for so long. And that is why I am called to be with this, to be with myself and cupcakes. To accept that I can have that fucking frosting without freaking out.

Recently, I had this aha moment that I am not an introvert as I had always thought. I am a highly sensitive extrovert who craves people and laughter and connection but I can so easily become filled up and overstimulated and if I am not truly interested in the conversations or people-- 'pretending' is like kryptonite. I become weak.

I love being with my kids but I am so easily overstimulated by them that sometimes it feels like pain inside. I fear watching my daughter repeat my patterns and as I watch my husband start to change I see her move farther and farther from that repetition. I fear raising boys who will not know how to be present or show up in love and then my four year old touches my hair and sings, "Om Shanti Shanti" in the most loving way possible and my eyes fill with tears.

I fear that this addiction will never allow me to know the joy of being filled by healthy intimacy. With myself first. Without crumbs. I fear not being able to eat cake.

My truth.

I have been working my ass off the last few years to get to this truth. To be able to look in my own eyes and say, "this is me." This is me.

Now together with my husband we are showing up and doing the work together. He has a shitload to do and so do I. And I feel so gently strong and beautiful as I walk this path. We have no idea where we will end together but we are both willing to show up because joy is what we both desire as personal destination. Joy is our guide.

I have such love for who I am and who I am becoming and who I was. I fall into vulnerability regularly. I sit in silence with myself. I reach out when I crave connection without judgement, simply as my practice of healthy boundaries. I notice when it is out of desperation or truth.

My boundaries.

This is where I find myself landing now. Understanding boundaries.

My marriage coach has asked me to no longer take responsibility for others' feelings, because they are not mine. This is my hardest and most beautiful journey in this moment. To allow those who I have extreme intimacy with to have their feelings without it being about me.

I find an inbox filled with words advising me to change the colors of my daily emails and demands that seem to come out of nowhere. And I am learning to breathe and not take them on. They are not my story.

When my kids fight and I want to explode, I am clenching everything I can clench and counting to 3 as slowly as I can. I am praying that one day I won't be clenching, simply counting. For now, I must.

I am learning how to create healthy friendships where I don't get lost but can ask for support-- and this one, receive. Oh, receive. Without having to give as my exchange for receiving. Tough shit my loves, tough, tough shit this boundary work.

My thank you.

This is me. This, is me.

Fully, unapologetically, me.

Let's keep going. I am so ready for all of it.

Thank you for being here, for being a landing place for these words and for my prayer that all that I continue to journey through becomes what I teach and guide.

Thank you for the bravery to look into your own eyes and say...

This is me.

Resources:

The New Rules of Marraige by Terrance Real

Facing Love Addiction by Pia Mellody

Video with Terrance

Community Grace - Connection, shining, opening

Community Grace:: 30 Days of Play to Build Connection Around Your Blog or Online Business
When:: May 1st-30th
Registration:: $49 to join us

One day I was walking the dog thinking about my weekly letter, Making Space (love letters from me to you), and my heart was overflowing with the gratitude for the responses I get from this gorgeous community each time I send one out. I thought, this is community grace. It feels like a long table under the stars, set with water glasses and wine goblets, bowls flowing with salads and soups and community gathering around in truth and harmony. Being together, sharing a common goal (that beautiful meal and conversation).

Gathering your community is finding those that deeply resonate with and need the words you are sharing with them. A community can start with just one other person or 100 people. Each person in your community is unique and helps you stand in your light.

I want to guide you towards creating your own community grace.

For 30 days we will play::

• A prompt every other day for 30 days, a day to explore it and a day to talk about it within our private community.
• New ways to think about using your words to build connection and build your audience.
• Authentic strategies to start to create the community you want to guide and be a part of.
• Gentle pushes to move through the fear of your voice.
• A chance to 'play' with your words and connections through prompts that open you up a bit.
• Connecting the word joyful with your writing.
• Find a new way to view virtual connecting.
• Expand your safe boundaries, they will still be safe!

Who is this for::

• Women who are using their words to gather community and build tribe.
• Women who are blogging inside of businesses.
• Women who are writing and want to find a way to expand their connections and create a little community grace in their lives.

Words from women in my community::

"In the clamor and noise of marketing mayhem, Hannah Marcotti writes in a gentle yet fierce voice.  In Community Grace, I turned my thinking around.  Instead of trying to "promote to my target audience,"  I learned that I needed to attract the people I want to hang out with and who want to hang out with me.  This was huge medicine for me as an online entrepreneur.

 

Hannah taught us how to find and envision the grace that is within, to honor it and express it.  Even better, we came together as a community that was loving and supportive." ~ Loran Hills

"This program came into my life at the exact moment I needed it. I was craving direction in my new business and blog, and Hannah gave us such a gift with helping us discover our voices. I found my way to connect to my tribe through my writing, and at the same time, dive deeper into my true self and embracing my vulnerability. I made life long friends with the other women who joined. This program expanded my business and my world. I am so grateful for my experience." ~Jessica DeFeo

"The catalysts for my biggest a-ha moments during the program were pieces of your story and the stories of our Joy sisters - the reflection of self and possibility, connecting us all as one."

"I’m a writer who believes ARDENTLY in the power of community. I thrive when I’m connected to other writers who can just hold space for my work and share what it’s like to be living the writers life. The community you’ve created, Hannah, is so unique and so special. I think we’re all called to connect with others when we need it most– and I really believe the communities we find are the exact ones we need at that point in our lives."

"I am missing Hannah's daily emails, it had become part of my morning ritual. I would read them on my cell phone before getting out of bed every morning."

"Thank you all so much for your unconditional love, support, laughs and tears. Love being a part of this amazing group."

"I did not have any expectations going in and I learned this: to allow my creative side to gets its groove back, slow my roll and enJOY more of the *now* and gobble up all the inspiring stories of your daily letters and the fantastically beautiful, strong women in this group."

When will we start to play::

• May 1-30
• A prompt one day, a group discussion around it the next.
• Yes, this is play, fun, expanding your vision for the power of your words.

Register Here::

$49.00

Questions you might have::

Is this a writing course? No, I won't be critiquing your writing but I will be giving you prompts to explore using your words to gather the strength of community and connection around your writing. I know awesome writing coaches if you need a reference.

Will the prompts help me with blogging? I hope so! We will play and you will explore your words in different ways. My hope is that you'd get some great posts written during May inspired by writing with your community in mind.

In 30 days will I have increased my community? If you connect with just one person in these 30 days the answer to this will be yes!

Will you be telling stories of how you built your community and made such awesome connections? Why of course, thanks for asking, I love to tell stories!

Is this about making more money with my blog? Nope, not during these 30 days. Eventually, yes.

What if I'm not playful in the online world? Then go ahead and sign up, I'll help you with that!

like this.

like this. i want to feel you harder.

like this. fly away.

like this. my hands together i release you.

like this. it pulls you back.

like this. the point that pricks me.

like this. dust in the sun.

like this. anger in my gut, anger down to my toes.

like this. that sweet bite, and the salt.

like this. morphing.

like this. i feel it in the cracks, the sticky notes, the marks down on time.

like this. i will scream.

like this. i will laugh while my side aches.

like this. slide down underneath the clock.

like this. now my sweet.

like this. i want to feel you harder.

like this.

I am...

Spirits of Joy is a course I am currently guiding all about making a vision book. We go through 30 days of guided prompts to help shift and vision and dream and be and process and give permission. But you don't have to make a whole book, you could start with a page. I am sharing one of the most powerful prompts for myself with you today from the course, if you feel drawn to create a page, please join us and tag your picture on instagram #spiritsofjoy.

To create your page all you need is a piece of paper, magazines you can cut up, glue stick and scissors. Go into your magazine and let your I am find you. Today my I am found me, I am the stars...

***

I am.

Express who you see in your visions of you, who you know in your spirit you are.

Here is the fun part, find it! Go flip through magazines or listen to some music until you hear or see your I am appear.

(Here is a hint...you can't be wrong!)

Spirits of Joy I am from Hannah Marcotti on Vimeo.

Password:: I am

The first time I did this I let go of anything that I thought about myself. I opened up a JCREW catalog. I flipped through finding myself drawn to the words that were used in their marketing.

I saw, 'a golden one,' and my heart said, yes! I even love the comma!

I feel a light inside that I am drawing forth, I love gold jewelry, I am trying so very lovingly to release some past yucks, I am learning to stand in truth.

A golden one,

Thank you JCREW, I'll take it. Often if we let go of what we think we are looking for, what then finds us is exactly perfect.

Goodmorning Beautiful Day. A gift in April.

:: 31 days of waking up to morning affirmation, intention, permission and joy in April (one bonus email on April Eve). My gift to you.

I'm on the computer a lot. I subscribe to too many things and while my email is sort of central operations for my business I am clogged with stuff. I want my email to be a place of ease, not drowning.

I decided that I would unsubscribe to everything that comes in that I don't open and read. There are a lot of them. And as I am doing that I am seeing the words of people who I adore and desire hearing from start to stand out and I have space to receive them.

Mornings have been a place of struggle for me. I could lay in bed with coffee and not move for hours each day but my life is full of kids and animals and a business that lights me up.

I look for ways to add layers to my morning rituals to add ease. I can go out in my jammies to bring the kids to school but when I shower and take time to dress myself beautifully I feel alive, fresh, peaceful.

Starting each day with intention or prayer or inspiration or blessing is for me a life-shifter. I can find myself falling into yelling, resentment, anger, frustration so easily.

If I can grab onto one thought that allows me to vibrate in a new way, which then is like a pay-it-forward effect, each day is gently transformed.

I enter the day with love rather than anger.

I find that I have more patience and time stretches.

I am more focused (and as an adult with OCD/ADD whatever it may be labled this is huge for me) with my daily practices.

You accepting space for my words in your inbox each morning is an honor and I am humbled daily that words I write have such beautiful places to land.

This crazy thing called transparency.

I find myself sitting in Patrick's car outside the emergency room. He is rubbing my back and I am using Ujjayi Pranayama which is my comfort, my safety. He seems certain I am not dying so I try to know that I am not dying, that my heart is just experiencing some struggle. I breathe deeply the sounds of the ocean and I know I am safe.

First panic attack since November, November when my life started to shift into an awakening and it feels like living on a boat, always rocking, sometimes wild swaying, the occasional storm.

Before getting in his car both of my hands went numb and I found it hard to open and close them. My heart was beating out of rhythm. The room kept taking on a powerful white glow, similar to a moment in time when I was laboring with Chloe, when something greater than myself felt present.

He says, "I wish you could just get a cold!" I laugh. God, I do too. But this body of mine is far too clever. This body calls me out when I am stuffing in my emotions or hiding or numbing.

I got triggered by anger. I got really angry, suddenly, out of nowhere. It wasn't the anger that comes when I'm trying to avoid something, it was real true anger. I was angry about not knowing. At myself. It was the anger that you feel that moves you further up the emotional scale towards joy. If you let yourself feel it. And joy is what I seek.

I remember inside of the anger, as my heart started to beat faster, I remember thinking I need to call a friend. I need to tell someone about this anger, I need someone to hold it with me, help me process. My blood sugar was low. I was having such a nice day with my babes. I thought maybe my heart just went out of rhythm and it would pump back into normal with one more breath.

So I made a choice not to trust the anger wanting to come out. Not to trust its vulnerability of feeling and talking. I didn't want to call a time out on my Saturday with the kids to process it. I didn't want to burden another with my story, with my anger story.

I didn't want to receive. 

So my body called a time out. And I sat outside the emergency room in ocean breath with the man who has witnessed all the panic attacks and emergency room visits each time I've refused to feel and trust and we sat there together as it moved through. We are learning a new way to be together. Which is simply just being together. Accepting what is. Like that moment. We didn't place judgement on it, we let it work through, we let the panic surrender in its own timing.

In this awakening life has shifted. I feel transparent. Beautifully transparent.

I am sad and I am so fucking happy. Like happier than I've been in forever. This work I've been doing for years is the work of angels, hearts, oceans, fires. It is pulsing and dramatic as hell. It is my intensity leaning into being. This is me knowing that I love this life now.

Not everyone will live a life with the same intensity and drama and sensitivity that I do. Oh my!!! Accepting not only our way, how we move through, with Ujjayi breath or holding our breath or passsionate panting or the deep exhale and pause, but knowing that a greater source of breath exists within.

Trust.

I sat outside the emergency room and I felt a trust for this panic attack. I felt crazy transparency and not ashamed of my hands numbed or my heart wild. Patrick had googled panic attacks, even though we know, and told me how many people experience them.

I felt this connection to my Universe which is our Universe. My safety is there. My safety is within that which is breathing through me.

I breathe deeply the sounds of the ocean, and I know, I know I am safe.

***

(thank you to all of my sweet loving friends who sent me the texts and the messages checking on me. thank you.i breathe with all of you.)

I don't know how to live without the pain.

"And if you feel free, you feel empowered. And every negative emotion that exists—hear this—every negative emotion that exists is because there is some sense of loss of freedom somewhere in there."

--- Abraham

I think in blog posts sometimes, well a lot.

I think about my pain, the pain that has mostly been released, in blog post style, in my mind.

Physical therapy last Wednesday. A safe space where I go to work through the pain that I held in my pelvic floor, in my muscles, for so long. Where I learn to strengthen and stop fearing my body.

The confession: I don't know how to be without the pain. I've spent months understanding the pain, healing from the pain, processing the pain, learning to release the pain.

I know the pain isn't something that was happening to me, it was happening inside of me.

I know that the pain has been in my life for over 15 years.

I know that I don't have to have the constant fear of, excuse of... the pain. Now that it is going. But I do need to accept it as something that once was.

I know that I don't know how to live without the pain. I am learning.

I know that the pain was mine. No blame. Just mine.

As I am working through this release and into freedom it is this place I find myself, learning to live without the pain. No longer having the excuse, the set-backs, the chaos, the nurturing when down, the time away healing, the whatever it gave me.

And most of all I know that I don't have to feel the pain anymore. Just the reality of it releasing. I  can think about it in blog posts, but I have to feel it.

That is freedom. Freedom is what I'm ready to feel.

It is this that I am starving for.

Magic Making Mastermind Circle

I woke up at 4am with a jolt.

I saw a circle of women. We were change and love and fierce because we were creating together.

In this circle all of the magic that was happening would ebb and flow through a space that held beauty and faith and change. That held light.

My life in that one moment changed and I find myself sitting here now, in this space of beauty, faith and change.

I was stepping into such deep truth in my life and this was the answer that came from the surrender into faith.

The fierce, fierce magic has begun and I am assembling this circle that I visioned; that changed where I sit, how I plan, what is next.

 When I get a vision, a life changing vision I don't go slowly.

I launched an event that would circle women together inside of this magic before I had the keys to the space.

With my eyes closed I said a little (huge) prayer and then asked for faith.

Please God, please someone, tell me I'm not fucking up. (New Englanders do use the F word in prayer, it is kind of like and and the for us.)

And the voices that came back echoed over and over... trust yourself, trust yourself.

And the signs appeared as if out of bubbles of trust.

Disco balls, texts with yes, Buddha heads, smiling eyes, women radiating me to open and trust.

In a deeply personal retreat circling with soul-sisters my own words found hanging on a wall that I might have forgotten I wrote.

Fierce, fierce magic.

This is why I am here. To circle us together and show each of you your magic.

This is why circling with women is my heart's joy song.

When we have permission to see, feel and create our magic these dreams do start falling and we pay it forward and it ripples.

Yes, ripples.

 

Sitting together in virtual space and real space.

Magic making into the deepest level of care and love for who we are and what we bring to this world.

Visioning through words, images, time together.

Creating joy bubbles that flow out to those we love and support and guide.

Getting shit done.

Finding feathers where there never was a bird because we have such deep belief and faith.

Learning to receive in our circling. Allowing others to receive from us.

Circling. Magic making. The 4am wake up. And so it is.

• May, June, July, August we circle in our magic making mastermind
• 2 magic making sessions (worth $600)
• A monthly group call where we come together and talk it out, ask for clarity, support, ideas, love and we make space for our magic
• Monthly recordings with women I love who are living beautiful, successful lives (announced sooooon!)
• All calls will be recorded
• A private virtual group to connect daily
• Free enrollment into any Joy Up or Making Space programs I run through these months
• Invitation to a private live #operationselfcarelikewhoa event in August at The Loft (the very magical space) in Providence, Rhode Island
• A print of Fierce, fierce magic (stars falling) from the gorgeous Cassia

The magic making mastermind circle is for women who are dreaming of aligning the vision for their lives with the reality of those same lives.

Women who want to use their voices through writing and connecting and creating to make magic in their lives or businesses.

Women who are trying to do it all while learning to integrate living in a highly sensitive body, women who are ready to start, to begin anew, to be seen.

• Only 20 spaces in this circle, it will be intimate and intense and full of freedom 1 spot left, please email me at hello@hannahmarcotti.com to register
• Freedom is the place where you create, where your life becomes your dream
• 4am jolts of inspiration strongly encouraged in this circle
• You will step into this group and deep change will happen for you, be ready

• $200.00 a month for May, June, July and August
• An invitation to an optional private live August event at The Loft in Rhode Island (those are the stairs in the picture above)
• Limited spaces, please email me at hello@hannahmarcotti.com with questions so we can get your spot reserved!!!!
• 2 individual sessions will be scheduled where we will kick up the magic
• Group calls each month full of yeses and support and inspiration
• Recordings with kick-ass women who will inspire you to no end and who are magic
• Enrollment into any Joy Up or Making Space program held during these months
• Fierce, fierce magic

Will you show up?

“There are women who make things better... simply by showing up. There are women who make things happen. There are women who make their way. There are women who make a difference. And women who make us smile. There are women of wit and wisdom who- through strength and courage- make it through. There are women who change the world everyday... Women like you.” ~ Ashley Rice

Currently full and waitlisted for the May-August Circle. We will do it again!

Crazy love that was sprinkled on me recently from my magical tribe::

"She has a magical balance of ferocity and gentleness that speak directly to your heart while not leaving your mind out of the equation. Oh, and she rocks."

"What you do is take women who don't even know how to believe in what they already are, don't know that they should, and you give them hope, give them the tools, introduce them to a way of looking at themselves, the world, each other - that illuminates ILLUMINATES the path that we failed to notice was beneath our feet all along."

"Hannah walks her talk, follows the path so that it is illuminated for the souls she guides. She has her finger on the pulse of the universe, and embodies the sacred feminine."

"Hannah is honest, real, a storyteller, authentic, magical, passionate, gentle and tough all at the same time..."

"Hannah has a gentle way of shaking up every fibre of your being by opening your eyes to who you truly are and how you can bring yourself forward into the life (and spirit) that has always felt just out of reach. She takes your hand and guides you home, to the best possible version of your true self. Once she has touched your life, you will never be the same and you will thank the Universe every day for guiding you to her. xo"

""Hannah is a gentle guide for women, aiding them in allowing the space to see their true calling through visioning and surrender work. Her prompts are transformational, helping women unlock their own unique inner-beauty, and step into the vulnerability of owning it and sharing it."

"You are an earth goddess creating magic, aligning us all to the powers of the universe."

And I have such fierce love for every single one of those voices.

Circling. In Providence.

We came together on a Friday morning at The Loft, Headquarters of #operationselfcarelikewhoa. It was a giant sleepover, sharing of meals and guiding, visioning, yoga and healing. That was about half the stuff!

#operationselfcarelikewhoa is a movement.

#operationselfcarelikewhoa grew from a funny hashtag that I used when I was inside of a deeply transforming time of my life, leaning into the truth of self-care through space, energy and love.

The operation was born as I truly allowed myself wings. And spirit whispers. And joy. And peace. And freedom. And deep, deep truth and healing. As I was working hard. As I was learning to relax.

It was a solo operation at first and then it became a mission, a movement!

Before I left for Oregon I planned the first event for #operationselfcarelikewhoa and it sold out in 10 hours, with 5 spots being added on.

Because like whoa we need this, we crave this, we must circle with our women as part of the deep self-care work we will all be called towards. Self-care may sound like bullet points in the latest magazine telling you to get your nails done but I promise you that for most of us it is a calling towards saving our lives, saving ourselves from disappearing from our own eyes.

It is filling a hole inside.

My hole is in my gut, when I closed my eyes I saw it and felt it, it was black and empty but when I stepped into #operationselfcarelikewhoa it became transparent. It is still there but it is no longer something I fear, because now through its transparency I see me. All of me. Even those scary, raw bits that I'd rather hide in the darkness.

Like whoa.

This hole that is inside of me helps me discover my deepest cravings, it is the young wounds we carry and the searching soul.

Like whoa. 

Circling is vital to the movement. As women we crave this 'rent tent' time together where we can nurture and be nurtured in a collective wave. We want to lead and be led, touch and be touched.

Circling is a form of healing when you remove jealousy, status, competition, judgement and open space for vulnerability, nurture, love, gentle power and forgiveness.

Circling is showing up in truth and sharing what feels good.

Circling is allowing others to lay hands on your wounds and then holding that hand in gratitude and love.

Circling is the deepest form of fear for many of us who were taught that women are jealous of us and we cannot show up in our light.

Circling is the rhythm of sharing meals, fears and giggles.

The operation was fierce and we received and were held as worthy and opened and left with a new belief in ourselves. I witnessed intense, sacred moments between women during this circling that will forever allow me to move through this world knowing that circling is part of my calling and has been since I was a child.

Circling is the gift that I bring. Circling is the gift where I am receiving pieces of my healing as I share that transparent hole inside of my belly.

This journey to heal, to be whole:: lifelong. I pray that many of those days journeying will be spent in the circles of women who believe that they too have wings to fly.

Tomorrow I'll tell you about waking up and knowing that this is where I was called to bring my work. It is why The Loft (#operationselfcarelikewhoa Headquarters) was manifested within days of the vision. This is the vision that grew from hundreds of women flowing into The Joy Programs and circling together. This is the vision that will take us deeper, together, circling and soaring.

Circling. In Oregon.

(Photo by Kelly Rae)

Circling with women is finding your wings. 

Circling with women draws forth the beauty of voice.

Circling with women is being held, radiated, lifted.

(Photo by Curly Girl)

Circling with women allows you to step into a light whose source lies inside of you.

Circling with women lets you start to erase the shame of showing up in your beauty.

Circling with women is accepting your emptiness, brokenness, fears without blame.

(Photo by Andrea Scher)

Circling with women is stepping in rhythm as your hearts share their stories.

Circling with women is vulnerabilities' tears mixing into laughter.

Circling with women weaves a dream catcher of spirit, full of feathers and heart rocks and nature's gifts.

(Photos by Jess Swift)

Circling with women is a gift.

Circling with women becomes your intuition when your place in this world feels unsteady, alone.

Circling with women, your women, the ones who feel your worth at a soul level, circling with these women allows you to feel the gift, that is you.

***

(I'll be sharing some of the beautiful circling I've been doing in 2013 and then releasing an invitation for circling that came from my dreams.)