The gift. Or, sexual awakening.

The physical therapy for my pelvic floor was like an onion peeling - layers, different thicknesses and textures. Tears when you least expect them and no possibility of fighting them any longer.

No resistance to the process because you aren't in control of this process.

Wisdom, surrender, beautiful work.

Triggers and questions of wonder. Where is this all taking me?

I open the door and look deeply inside of my own reflection from beautiful eyes. I feel it. The release. Finally, the release.

I felt the pain float away. I felt the panic lift.

Urgency mixed with patience.

To finally feel the awakening, just like that. Released. What now?

Since I was about 20 years old I have had pain associated with sex. Bladder flare ups starting at 24 adding to more pain. A young girl who should be exploring and adoring her sexuality and instead is fearful of pain mixing with pleasure. Fucked up. But real and present.

They gave me pills and estrogen rings. They told me I had everything wrong with me. Nobody could fix me. I lived with pain on and off for the next 18 years. I even heard myself say that I was not a sexual being. What? Of course I am. Just scared. Scared to hurt.

So I hid her away. Hid away her sexual needs and desires and prayed that one day it would always feel wonderful, magical, delicious.

Making babies was scary. Sometimes the pain would lift for a time but the fear never went away. I was waiting, watchful, ready.

The last three years the worst.

So I decided that I was ready to heal. Crisis after crisis piling on top of one another. It was time.

I am I was a stuffer. I found this convenient spot in my pelvic floor that no one could see where everything I was scared to feel could be gently tucked in. I held it tight. I grabbed it, wrestled it inside. I didn't even know it was there. Did I?

Then the onion started to peel. I began to unravel. Like woah. Woah. Woah.

The unravel like a loose string on a sweater and someone starts to pull and pull and you are standing still, rooted down and stitch by stitch the sweater undone. And you are naked.

You can choose to freak the hell out. And you might.

You feel naked and vulnerable and sexual and chilly and full of passion and depth and understanding and confusion.

You can't pretend you aren't naked. Now you choose. And now you must feel.

This gift of epic proportions. The oyster. The pearl. The ocean. The sand. Waves washing over the newness.

I am guided by love, compassion and freedom.

I don't know what is next. I just want to stand here in this nakedness and feel. Feel it. Be in it.

Aliveness of self.

Of choice.

Of truly being here.

Allowing my spirit, my sexual body to tingle and time to allow.

The release.

I write to breathe.

"You are meant to live an expansive, exhilarating, good-feeling experience. It was your plan when you made the decision to become focused in your physical body in this time-space reality. You were born knowing that you are a powerful Being; that you are good; that you are the creator of your experience, and that the Law of Attraction (the essence of that which is like unto itself, is drawn) is the basis of the Universe, and you knew it would serve you well. And so it has."

--- Abraham

A few days before Thanksgiving I said a prayer.

I found the deepest breath I've ever taken.

I stepped into the knowing and the trusting that I am a sensual being.

Then I cracked. Hard. Wildly. Unexpectedly.

And one morning I started to look back and I saw myself. Young, vibrant and full of crazy gorgeous dreams. I wanted to put my arms around this girl and tell her so many quiet secrets.

I felt held and supported even in the chaos that was happening in my life. I was receiving through my words so many gifts from all of you. You who have been here for years, you who just showed up with the click of a button, you who have known me through all my babies and crazies!

I write to breathe.

I write to breathe.

I write to breathe.

Open to receive...hands together in faith...as we become our light.

And so it has.

And. So. It. Has.

Looking back at you.

I asked Patrick if he remembered the first time he saw me. I knew he did of course because he has told me the story many times. We were both in the theatre department and there was a party at a house out in the woods and all of us were gathering together for rides to the house.

I was coming out of a horrible heart-break but determined to get myself up and dressed and out to this party, the last before summer. I was 18 years old for reference! I started over to the meeting spot and I do remember him sitting in the back of a truck or something. Right about the same time the person who broke my heart showed up. Needless to say I didn't go to the party. I think I ran back to my dorm as fast as I could. Details of the heart-break not shared but I will say it was so completely devestating, even as I look back on it. I can't believe such a young soul had to be inside such sadness.

But Patrick will say he saw me and was really pleased I would be at the party. He said he thought I was beautiful but in such a different way than other people. He tells the story with words about how my style and who I was didn't seem the same as other 18 year olds. I wore a scarf every day, huge earrings, layers, hats...

He was bumming that I didn't go to the party.

My sense of self was so strong when I was younger. I remember it. I remember the feeling of being 19. I have always known how deeply our style translates who we are to people faster than words. It was how I communicated with my surroundings. No one was talking about HSP or females with ADD and I had yet to have my first panic attack.

The layers provided me with gentle comfort. The scarves held me grounded. The jewelry centering. I remember I used to come back to my dorm for a nap each day and I would strip off the layers down to leggings and a bodysuit. Oh yes, I said body suit, every day. (It was the 90's!)

As Patrick and I are both seeking healing in our own lives and in our relationship we find it so helpful to look back. To remember. To find the connections not just to our togetherness but to who we were.

To remember what we loved.

To remember what felt good.

To remember what made us laugh.

To remember the kind of people we loved spending time with.

To remember our why-s.

To remember our passion.

To remember our style.

To remember our movements.

Our dance.

Our spirit.

Our me.

At some point, I don't remember quite when, maybe when I got my first job and had to wear a uniform, or when I started to make decisions that went against my heart and gut, or when I was going through that slightly painful decade(s) of growing up - I started to disconnect. I do believe we are born with all of our answers and truths but the journey we are on is how we unearth them. I don't believe that journey is supposed to be free of mistakes or loss or regrets or missteps.

How could we reach these beautiful places without going through the whole emotional scale? The reason I believe in joy so deeply is because I believe in all emotions, all feelings and their validity to our purpose, to our being.

Every time I think how calm and slightly easy my life seems to be something happens. I go into the shake-up, the crazy-making, the lesson-learning, the heart-expanding.

These last 4 or 5 years have been about the journey back to me. Connecting back to the passion of that 19 year old girl in a woman's body with so much less fear. With a confidence that can only come with the seasoning of the soul. I've always felt like an old soul whose mission was to relearn and then guide others once I found the inner wisdom.

What I am asking of you is this:: Look back at you.

Grab yourself at any age where you felt connected and wise and free. When you climbed mountains or went on road trips or ran around on the beach in the nude. Free.

Don't go back and look at your mistakes, you've already grabbed the wisdom from them. Don't focus on regrets, they are spirit eaters. Don't blame. Dear me, don't blame others or yourself. That is baggage for the heart sad. We want heart happy.

That 19 year old wanted her nose pierced and to have tattoos and to live in NYC. She wanted to be madly in love inside of a passionate love affair and no marriage certificate. She desired becoming a mama always. She couldn't remember why she ever put down the guitar or was too afraid to take singing lessons. She always thought about belly dancing. A road trip across the United States made her tingle. She spent so much time thinking about rearranging furniture and going on auditions. She craved time barefoot in gardens and lying in the sun letting the Vit D soak into her skin. She loved making people feel good.

Now at 38 I can go back to her desires and align them with the me now. The strength that has come with the journey allows me to look back at her desires and peek at them next to my desires now. Part of my visioning process comes from her wishes too. She is me. I am her.

Look back at you.

Take the time to remember. Throw out the should-of could-of crap. You are you now.

White space. Beautiful canvas. Emerging feminine. Desirous spirit.

Go.

On love. On enough. On visions. On gentle power.

When I first started doing vision work about 4 years ago I was scared.

I was scared of wanting, of asking, of what I didn't realize (then) was putting myself into a deeply vulnerable state of visioning my life into its most joyful and passionate place.

I was scared to evolve.

I was afraid to look at choices I had made because did that mean I had really f***ed up. At that point I was 34, I had a new baby, my last. I didn't want to look at what I might so deeply need to be different.

So I stuck my toes in the water and I dipped into visioning in what I thought was the most gentle of ways.

I placed my visions on a wall where I could see them and it was a silent prayer each day I looked towards it.

Ever since that day my world has been in a spiral of change, of choice, of manifesting, of learning who I am.

Learning who I am:: Not who I thought I should be. Cracking. Open.

Yes. It is scary. Yes. Things will change. Yes. You get to decide. Yes. You have to release the details. Yes. What shows up will be more magical than you ever imagined. Yes. It will be hard. Yes. There will be tears and laughter. Yes. You will cross through these visions knowing you are love and hold everything inside of you, that makes you enough.

You will feel the gentle power that was born inside of you when you realize that how you want to feel and who you are and what you dream of changes everything.

***

I'll be coming out of my cave to travel across the country and teach! January 5th. Berkeley, CA.

Join us for one of Teahouse Studio's final workshops, Vision Books and Stories of the Spirit. And while you are there Tiffany and I made a little video explaining more of what this workshop is all about. (Please forgive how dark I am, making a video at 5:30pm on the East Coast means no light!)

Feel. It.

Wherever you find yourself on this Christmas Eve, at a party, in your bathrobe, wrapping under the tree or sipping tea with a few tears...

It is OK to feel it.

Be there. Hold the nowness of it.

Know that feeling joy in our lives means that we get to feel everything so much more deeply. Joy doesn't kick all the other emotions out, it makes space, it opens you so that you can feel it all.

Joy is like a deep breath for your body so she/he may know the beauty of this life. Every choice. Every blink of our eyes. Every needle of the pine tree.

Can you practice a little soulwork today and pull yourself into your now. Can you be right here, let your head stop flowing into what-ifs and regrets? Can you stop making up expectations and feel the reality of where you stand or sit in this one still and ever changing moment?

I'll meet you there today. It is OK to feel it. The joy, the sadness, the missing, the longing, the giggles, the anticipation. Feel it and let that feeling pull you into your now. This one very moment. This one now.

Let the now open space. Let the now be your guide into your next breath.

Sending blessings. xo

Dear Magical Universe...

From a bit of soulwork in The Holiday Joy Up. Today I write my letter filled with wishes and thank yous for the year past and the year to come and invite you to make space to reach out to the magic that is waiting around you. Password:: Friday

Friday Soulwok from Hannah Marcotti on Vimeo.

***

My littlest (4) has never been sledding. He was two the last time we had a blanket of snow and the two big kids took turns on our one little sled. I wish for him a blanket of snow if he wakes up on Christmas morning to a sled from Santa.

I have visions of Chloe (10) playing the guitar alongside me, learning our favorite songs together. Singing together. Letting our spirit guide fox help us connect to that passion inside of us.

I see Eli (7) learning to play golf to help him understand his emotions and also to finally get down that last little bit in the splits he has been practicing every day.

I have visions of Patrick (41) owning his passion and place in your beautiful world.

I asked so much this past year. I am floating in the sea of all you gifted me when I saw, wished, prayed, manifested and was guided by your visions.

To travel my work, to connect deeply, to heal my relationship with my belly, to be brave, to hold space for so many women who were along on the journey to joy through ritual, trust and magic.

I am going to the West Coast 4 times this year. Seriously, 4 times. You believed me when I said I was ready to open my wings. I feel such softness and love to you for that. I pray that my work is enough thanks and that the pay it forward effect is powerful beyond my wildest visions. You are kicking me out of my cave, aren't you?

Slowly I am moving myself out of this retreat and slight isolation of the last year, or so. A time when my senses needed to draw inward, to learn and understand trusting myself and my feminine intuition. This is scary shit sweet Universe. Scary shit.

I prayed to you. I visioned with you. I haven't stopped. And now I'm a little bit, ok, I am tired and filled up all at the same time. I am ready to trust that I can take a small break. That I can blink my eyes, take a nap, go days without turning on a computer. I wish for the strength to be in a place of soft pause, floating, allowing all that has been to sink in and take hold with deep roots.

For the last month or so I haven't been able to keep my house and space clean and uncluttered. I know why, I've been exhausted and confused about things but I gotta ask you for the energy to bring my space back to the beauty and openess that I need now. So maybe if I take a nap or something? Let's work on that one.

I visioned women who would help me on the path to healing. You sent me so many that I feel I must have won the lottery as each one has come so that I could learn how to reach out, to be vulnerable and to ask for help. I never knew how to ask for help, truly, before this year without feeling weak. Now the power it provides me with helps me understand the quiet magic behind what I do in this world. You have allowed me to start connecting the dots, your stars and stand under the moon in a connectedness of love for this gorgeous world I have been blessed to be part of.

Shamanic journeys, tattoos, past lives, soulwork, spirit guides...I am hungry to learn more, to keep going, to not be afraid of what the angels know.

Every woman our energy together has brought me to work with has been an echo of my journey, of my energy. Please know that I will continue to have profound faith in the magic that can be found in that energy. I wish for each woman who trusts in my guidance that they will know that faith energy as I know it.

As you know, you and I have been on a mission of making space and I need to ask you to help me find ways to have more space so that I may spend time in stillness, deep body knowing and passion. I'm ready to let go of what I keep thinking that should look like and let you do some of your wand waving. I release...

It is hard sometimes on this beautiful ride magic maker. I understand why. I am recieving. I am listening. And I am forever wishing, visioning and doing my work, my freaking gorgeous work.

Learning to accept this ride as though I am on a magical boat, trusting the waves, the anchor and that we navigate together.

I often wonder if thank you is enough and yet it must be. Simplicity right? Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

xo

P.S. So, I'd also like to throw in a request for a bra that doesn't hurt, that feels comfy and holds these boobs that nursed for 7 years of their lifetime up nice and pretty. Baby making and nursing days are over and I'd like to treat them well.

Cracked.

The beautiful words you write I long to read. I am buried in my own thoughts, too deep to go there, to let them in.

The emails that flow in I want to dive into to let myself loose in another place and yet I can't click them open.

I go to turn left on red.

This isn't how I thought cracking open would feel. Scary, real, raw, passion, intense, power, shifting, open...

The release work on my muscles has opened something up far greater than tension release. It holds up what I don't want. It lets me close my eyes. It is the exhale I have been searching for but so scared of the breath.

I don't want discontent. I don't want loneliness. I don't want hiding. I don't want drugs. I don't want pain. I don't want heartbreak. I don't want what?

I start there so the path to my dreams may become more clear. From the not wanting into desire...desire...desire.

At 38, a women growing into herself, marking time on her body, feeling her way towards the light.

The light. Stars. Twinkle. Shine. There is more. I stretch to find it. Please let it be gentle.

The pain that pulses each time muscles are triggered to release is the pain that is triggered somewhere in the chaos of change. I should sleep after and I don't because words won't stop fighting their way out. I go from fear of nothing to an uncontrollable tangle of thoughts, feelings. Feelings.

More connection. I need to see you and share space with you. I want to share a circle and show you how to crack in the most gentle, loving way I know. My calling is to guide you towards your light and the only way is for me to crack first. The only way is the crack, of being blinded for the shortest of moments by the light.

And when the time comes to open our eyes after the bravery of staring into the sun, we will be open.

Because we cracked.

And we'll crack again.

Because this life is beautiful.

***

A gathering. A circle. A cracking. Through vision work. Spaces are still available. This is one of the final workshops at the legendary Teahouse Studio. Come circle with us...

***

Here are some past posts about my journey healing my pelvic floor. We are never alone. Never alone.

Anxiety and Breathe.

On the equinox.

Prayer. Feet. And the beauty.

As our body cries out.

The pain of the present.

Beautiful Faces. Magical Places.

She drew this for me.

I am eager for the lists that make their way out on sleepy Friday mornings. Today I am mixed up between all parts of who I am and the feelings inside and the need to sleep but hugging my hot cup of coffee closer because I don't have to know, right... kind of mama.

 I adore little acorn and used to do all sorts of things like this with my kids, hmmm....

I somehow see my spirit inside of this one, you know when art touches you in that way?

Yes, Liz and I still have our love affair going, we are helping eachother in so many ways, I am truly grateful.

I really want to write a what would happen post, but for now...

Next tattoo is probably stars, just saying.

FREE and Vivienne in the same sentence, go get yours.

Each year I feel the female guides I need show up to me and enter Julie.

"People are drawn to our brands by what they need from us to be more of themselves or to have the life they’re trying to create." Bam. Post that up on a vision board somewhere, tattoo it on your heart.

Feeling like I'm eggy and spermy all mixed up but have always identified with eggy, something to think about. [via Michelle]

So my workshop will be among the last at Teahouse, this was a manifesting dream come true and we have spaces available. Come vision with me and watch your life start to shift in magical ways because you are allowing it to.

Patrick travels with a gym bag while in his suits on the plane. This bothers me, thinking of getting him this...thoughts? (Patrick don't open link.)

This may need to be mine. Pow.

From one of my gorgeous clients who I look forward to our bi-weekly chats in enormous ways.

Brave.

I don't offer information that doesn't need to find its way to my kids. I wait for them to ask, I wait for them to want to know because until then, they just don't need to. We all grow up soon enough right?

 Can't. Stop. Listening. To. This. Beautiful.

A sensual being.

It didn't click until a loving call with someone I've known for years and she said, "You are a sensual being. You are going to reflect that in people around you, draw that into you." And I am. Because I intuit, because my senses are so wired for input, because I am the eternal feeler.

A sensual being.

When I look at my younger self, the one who was so scared, the one who was lost, the one who was needy, I have such glowing compassion for her. She was always stopping those sensual feelings because she had no idea how to process them. Her intuition was off, her fear of looking people in the eye always keeping her looking down.

It isn't until you come to where you are, till you see what you have become reflected in someone else's eyes, that you realize that this is the spiritual dance of living. And it is just getting started. And it is so beautiful. It stirs energy inside of you that makes you weak and ilogical for a time and you feel, you feel. You feel. You feel. Things come un-numb and that is scary and pulsing and vibrant and woah.

I have been afraid that if I close my eyes for too long everything I've built in my business will somehow fade away. So I've been pulling them wide, trying not to fall asleep or mess up or stop for too long incase I need to grab hold of it tight. There is a deep desire to translate this sensuality into my work, allow it to flow onto the pages, inside of my coaching, trusting my knowing inside.

Here I am tattooing myself and finally wearing this nose ring. Belly passion. Awakening and believing in the spiritual dance. The spiritual dance of this life.

As a woman we have this soft invitation to ripen. To take each year and pull from it the bits that we want to hold onto and blow the rest into the wind where it becomes part of the dance of the sky.

I'm holding onto the beauty. I'm seeing my eyes reflected in yours. I'm believing in us.

Sometime (maybe in past lives) I stood in the truth of passion, senses exploding, the gift of feeling and stepping back into it feels shaky and raw. Because stepping into it means it is me. Just me. No one can heal me or fix me or be certain it will all be ok. These senses and gifts and passions have become my now, my present tense.

And so the faith that I can close my eyes, that I can trust that nothing is going to fade away while I nurture this woman who is simply ripening more and more, is an answer to a question I asked. Faith. Faith. Faith.

A sensual being.

The prayer.

I say a prayer.

Whisper out desire to the Universe.

Cut words out of a magazine and glue them on a board.

On fallen knees a prayer that cries out from the gut. My heart.

Sometimes you start with what you don't want, in the darkness of the fears.

The prayer, the way we long to feel. The prayer, the voices of our past. The prayer, typed onto our spirit.

My spirit calls out.

Antler around my neck seeking deeper meaning, connectedness.

Fox shows up before the prayer ever came and my eyes find her everywhere. Passion, desire, intensity, expression.

This place I stand, this body I claim, feeling magical, gentle power my scent.

This knowing brings chaos. I search for the answer to the whisper. I want it now, time begging for clarity.

Fear it will fade if I don't stumble on the path of perfection.

The prayer, knowing without search. The prayer, a deep forgiveness. The prayer, compassion.

In the search I am reminded from the clouds, the rain, the smiles, the angels, the snuggles, the leaves under my feet...that prayer does not require our digging.

Prayer and magazine cut outs and whispers of desire are the place of our truth.

Closing my eyes, I hear the lack of an answer and a hush of space.

The prayer, opens us to space. The prayer, opens us to our change. The prayer, opens us to trust.

The prayer opens.

Spirits of joy is coming to CA...me and you!

I have a plane ticket. Some of my dearest friends are going to house me and laugh with me and let me breathe in the gorgeousness of a state I have never been too.

Vision Books and Stories of the Spirit.

This is the video for the DIY Spirits of Joy, I thought it would be fun to share with you all and I would be so blessed to sit, glue, laugh and possibly let a few tears flow if you are in the CA area. It will be magical.

Spirits of Joy 30 Prompts from Hannah Marcotti on Vimeo.

You can sign up for the workshop January 5th, 2013 here.

***

Sometimes I am humbled beyond words. I asked the Spirits of Joy Tribe (which you will be added to if you attend the workshop) if they could help me communicate the power of this work. Bam. I might have needed tissues.

"As a visual artist Hannah Marcotti and her Joy Book process have gently rocked my world. She has returned me to the JOY of my voice and my work. I am painting, creating, expressing again... and this time it all means so much more!"

"Vision Work. Gentle. Powerful. Joy creating. The most beautiful gift I've ever received, and the most joy filled soul work I've ever done. Gratitude and appreciation for all I have received from this."

"Hannah has changed my life...her thoughts and words are that good!"

"Visioning with Hanaah has opened my eyes and days up to Magic. Her often simple but very powerful prompts and poetic words never fail to inspire me and to help me gently dig a bit deeper to unearth what I truly seek in creating a life I love. I am truly grateful to have "found" her and know that this beautiful work will continue to be transformative."

"I have no idea how I found out about Hannah Marcotti but I'm so glad I did. I have worked with her one-on-one and taken part in her online programs. Through her gentle guidance and honest heart I have begun to feel joy again. This happened slowly and without my noticing. So very grateful!"

"It allowed me to SEE, and to dream bigger dreams, because I was able to SEE what is possible. It has guided me, and clarified my vision."

"I walked around each day glowing from within and with the sensation that I was surrounded by sparkles and magic! Hannah's courses are a gift for your soul."

"This new awareness of myself has led me to be more in tune with the universe, more focused on the magic around me and the joy in my life."

"I am inspired to dream, envision and set intentions for living a truly authentic, soulful and joy-filled life. She has a gift for encouraging depth & meaning through beauty and simplicity."

"Taking Hannah Marcotti's Spirits of Joy ecourse was transformational. Her gentle guiding prompts and her encouragement to be open to the possibilities of what the universe has to offer gave me the opportunity to listen to parts of my soul that have long been neglected, and to truly hear my heart sing her song of Truth. Finding my truth, finding my visions, looking at ways to manifest my desires for the future into the reality of today... all of this was brought to me by Hannah and I am deeply grateful for her and the joy she has inspired in my life."

"What I have learned is that there is joy everywhere, even in sadness, even in fear. Hannah taught me to honor how I feel and empowered me to grow my spirit."

"I have no idea why cutting, placing, sticking, and playing changes my world and my feelings so profoundly - but it DOES! It must by-pass that naughty bit of the brain that likes to analyse, reason, play-down, be pessimistic etc. Then of course there is the fact that you just made something real, right there in front of you. You breathed life into those dreams and dared to put them out there. Their form usually surprised me, and the fact that I could be surprised when it was I who had done it all myself, was... surprising! All in all, a peculiar, intriguing, fascinating and wonderful experience with an incredible 'end' result."

"Hannah has magic flowing through her veins. She sweetly and boldly challenged me to look within myself, gave me the courage own my truths, and guided me to realize that we all have a little magic coursing through our veins."

"I am a sensitive person. Hannah's gentle, nurturing spirit was perfect for me.I love all the ways of bringing magic and ceremony into day to day life.The process of letting our word find us was very interesting. Mine was Sanctuary. I now purposefully make my bed, thanking it for being a restful sanctuary. A little thing, but it fills me up. This class really spoke to my heart."

"Hannah's energy danced and leapt into my world, took me by the hand and gently reintroduced me to a part of me I'd been missing."

Anxiety and breathe.

A week ago I walked into my physical therapy and I was a bit whacko. A ball of chaos and stress. I had been having panic attacks and they were being triggered by all sorts of random bits and pieces.

I blamed it on the little bit of caffeine I had had and mentioned how my bladder can't handle caffeine and I would probably have a flare up and...

"OK." Yep, I was talking a whole hell of a lot, fast. Furious. When I was a kid my nickname was motormouth. (I love listening now!)

She had me lie down and together she helped me practice deep pelvic floor breathing. Kind of like how you go down into your belly for that nice deep breath, well this breath goes down to the pelvis. And it is healing, opening and releasing.

We also talked about something that gave me a huge window into understanding my anxiety. What I've realized is that my anxiety isn't something that is happening to me, it is something that is happening within me.

It is happening within me. And from all I have learned from this gorgeous Universe, my feather finds and moonwalks, is that we have everything we need to be joyful, to be abundant, to be whole.

So I am allowing this truth, it is something within me, to guide me forth. Today she worked on my back and at one point I felt the deepest breath come into my body and I realized that for so long I've been holding my breath. The issues with my pelvic floor are all about holding in and when I took that breath I could feel the connection from the inside of me into the Universe.

It was one of the best breaths I've taken. Will you breathe with me, one deep, deep, full breath? xo

What surprises you?

I finished an interview for my sweet girl Laura and I won't give away the question that inspired the post (I'll let you wait for the interview) but it had to do with being surprised. I never had a surprise party, not sure my sensitive self would take well to one, I like a plan, but surprises exist around me every day, around all of us. The Universe seems to deal in surprises, often just as we think we have it all down.

I am surprised every single time someone signs up to work with me. Truth.

I am surprised when I see Chloe's hot chocolate and it has the most beautiful heart on top. Hearts are everywhere once you open your eyes to them.

I am surprised at how many people I love have whispered the words, "Be careful what you wish for, you might get it." Because it always shows up differently than you imagined. Because it is often freaking hard ass work. Because when we manifest we have to release the details.

I am surprised that I get to use my gift of sensitivity and love for heart-centered business to make a living. This one may never go away, I hope it doesn't. I am humbled all the time, over and over. Humbling surprises.

I am surprised that after being gone from the boys for 6 hours that they jump up and down waiting to hug me. "Time for mama-hugs."

I am surprised that I am learning to save money. Shocked might be a better word. I have declared 2013 the year that I finally accept I am truly building a solid business and come up with systems and a plan and save up for the attic remodel that I've been dreaming of since the day I stepped foot into this house.

I am surprised that just when you think you understand you, a new you is ready to come forth, building upon that knowing. Thank God, Goddess, the Universe. Have I mentioned how much I adore being 38?

I am surprised that being 20 pounds over what I forced my body to be at for most of my life that I finally feel beautiful and sexy. Doesn't mean I don't sometimes wish some of it would melt away, but I have a deep trust that this is where I am meant to be. And I've learned how to dress myself to feel gorgeous. (Still working on the bathing suit, thank goodness I have a loooong winter season to figure that out.)

I am surprised at how vulnerable newness makes me feel. And ya'll may know how much I crave change.

I'm surprised when I don't know. I still feel this very strong attachment to needing answers right away and the waiting is unfamiliar, still.

I am surprised at the gorgeous community that has come together around my work. My heart still gets lit up every time connections are made and inspirations are shared. I. Am. Blessed.

And you? What surprises you? Love to hear down below, or as my Community Grace Community knows, I'd love for you to write your own post on what surprises you and then come back and link it up below for all of us to share.

Magical moments, feeling phrases and guiding words.

As you may be, I'm spending a fair amount of time reflecting on the past year. I am finishing up a program called Community Grace that has stolen such a chunk of my heart right now. I was walking the dog one day and had an idea that looked like a long wooden table set with white plates and bowls and mismatched napkins. I saw a coming together of community around grace.

I let it play around in my head for a while and kept not knowing what it would look like. I was in love with the name and every time I thought of it something new came to mind. When I realized what the program was I felt really scared.

We always hear others say (I know, I know, I say it too...all the time) that our sweet spot is what comes easily to us. Connection and community are my sweet spot. Feeling phrases, magical moments and guiding words -- these are my secret ingredients whenever I am mixing up something new.

I was scared because I knew that I would be guiding this program based on feelings. Feelings are what I know better than anything, my intelligence is highly emotional.

I had that moment of knowing that this was so deeply, desirously what I wanted to do. Would the 60 women who signed up think I was nuts when I asked them to start with a feeling mantra?

I was truly scared of this and also more sure than anything that this program wanted to flow through me. My sweet spot. This is what I do.

Creating this program, I knew that I'd be telling real stories, rather like I am now, so that these beautiful women would know that faith is scary. And gorgeous. And real.

Guiding soulwork, feeling and inspired action based prompts, this is what my year has been about. Soulwork for my tribe, soulwork for my heart, soulwork for my life.

As I reflect on the year I am doing much, much, much work around what I want 2013 to be about. I am starting with the magical moments, the feeling phrases and the guiding words.

When I'm ready to take a big leap in my business I see myself there. I notice what I'm wearing, where I am, the pen I'm holding, the way the weather is outside, the people around me, the feeling that I have inside. I see details. Then I release them into the Universe.

Faith.

Thursday night we'll be gathering on the phone and joining voices and closing our eyes in guided meditation together. I'm giddy for this time to hear from some of my community who have changed my life by adding such depth, richness and joy.

Making space for blessings, wishes...

December 1st we start to dance in the magic of the holiday and spend time with magic, blessings, ritual, letters from the heart, soulwork, reindeer (or bird) magical food, handmade stars, the beautiful smells of pie and more sprinklings of joy.

Join me along with members of the joy tribe on Thursday, November 29th at 8:30 pm Eastern Time as we kick off the Holiday Joy Up with words, meditation, stories of past joy ups and the inspiration for stepping into the Holiday with softness.

I've had a little thought playing in my head of joining some of the voices of the joy tribe together in this way and when I asked them, there was a resounding yes. Grab your eggnog and candy canes and meet us virtually from your cozy house in your jammies as we ring in the joy.

Yes, there will be magic.

Highly Sensitive Style (how I get dressed)

When I made my 2012 vision board on the February New Moon this picture of the woman in a gray sequined tunic with a black jacket standing under my word for the year, magic, was my focus. The essence of this picture, a woman standing in her power, shining, stepping into the light was the image I was manifesting. I also was learning that comfort as an HSP while feeling like I could claim my own style were not exclusive. I wanted this jacket and this sequined top, they just had to feel right on my body.

As a highly sensitive person much of my getting dressed is like a kid who can't stand the feeling of the hem on their sock. My clothes must feel right or they stay in the closet, unworn, often with tags still on.

I found my sequin top at TJ Maxx I think. I had been searching for one where you couldn't feel the sequins and that was long enough to act as a tunic. I love this shirt. It is gray, one of the 5 colors I wear. It sparkles. When I wear it I feel magic. Style to me is about a feeling. How do you want to feel when you climb into your clothes? As an HSP, comfort is at the top of that list, but it is more than comfort. To me it is like the difference between feeling like you are too hot or too cold, it is like stepping into that perfect temperature.

This year I've been quietly shopping in a new way. I love handmade items from Etsy. I love materials that are so soft you barely feel them. I am spending more for one item because I don't wear many items. I've also been releasing things. Releasing all the jeans that don't fit. Releasing anything that is a color I won't wear even if it is gorgeous. If I won't wear it, why is it hanging in my closet?

This also means releasing stories of guilt around spending money on so many things that I don't use. This is the hardest thing to release, each time I fill a bag with donation I remind myself that I am just getting to know myself even deeper. That this release is about coming home, but usually the guilt tries hard to stop me and keep the piles of unworn clothes in the drawer.

I found three essential things for my day as a mama and work at home entrepreneur: jeans, leggings and yoga pants. All three of these things can go from a snuggle on the couch to a tea date with a friend to walking the dog or sitting on the computer writing. I tried every jean and then I finally found the them. The ones. They feel like butter, the stretch just enough and my belly fits them. Love.

Layers have always been key to my HSP. Often the layers act as a shield when I'm in the world or feeling vulnerable. A scarf seems to balance me, ground me and once I discovered infinity scarves I was in my joy. Infinity scarves mean no tying or falling off or having to readjust. You just loop it on and go. More love.

In college I wore a lot of jewelry, in layers. Jewelery again must be soft, no itching and I try to find stones and metals that work with my energy. Just like the layers, they seem to ground me, to root my energy. A bonus is that many artists on Etsy are aware of this and help you choose your stones and colors through the descriptions they write.

Not long ago I realized that I only feel like myself if I wear certain colors. Neutrals really, whites, mochas or gold, gray and black or navy occasionally. I would buy gorgeous tops that sparkled of jewel tones and they would sit in my closet or I would wear them for 2 hours and then run back and grab my mocha shirt.

I remember once buying this beautiful purple tunic. Even as I was standing in line I could hear this little voice that had yet been fully acknowledged saying, you won't wear this, you won't wear this. I tried a few times to put it on and never made it out of the house. It was a little itchy and well, purple!!!

The moment I take off the shirt that feels wrong and climb inside of 'my colors' I can feel my body relax, melt. Perhaps some of my OCD is mixed into this, I don't know why this is, yet now when you look in my closet, you will not see the rainbow, you'll see the sand, the seashells, the clouds. You see me.

You will also see the birds. Feather earrings and my sparrow tattoo are part of this HSP style. They feel like me. This is what Highly Sensitive Style is, creating a wardrobe that feels like you, clothes that you climb into and come alive in your own version of shining. Clothes that not only make you look beautiful but that help you to feel beautiful. The gorgeous life, wearing things that make us more us.

As I create my vision board in 2013 I will find an image that captures the essence of the woman I continue to grow into. I love letting her find her light and giving her the gift of knowing who she is, in style, thoughts and visions.

Here is a list of style that I love, most I own, some I just adore.

This was the shirt that started it all. I love oversized shirts that hide my belly and I've always adored off the shoulder slouchy style. I'm sort of still in the 90's I think, jean jackets and off the shoulder shirts. Bring it!

Loving this, look at that color...that is my color. My HSP also really likes sleeves that are loose and then fitted at the bottom. I love being able to place the sleeve where I want it and it stays there!

I found this shirt and the color was whispering to me, come lay in the sand, take off your shoes and let's play.

Finally I found jeans that I feel joyful in. They don't feel like leggings, let's be real, but they are buttery and stretchy and I love them. I spent way more than this on the numerous jeans that I never wear because they don't feel good on me. I'm so happy to be done with that.

I can't find the leggings I own, but these look yummy! While I don't own these I've had them in my Etsy shopping cart!

All I can say is that this jacket is my favorite thing. It is soft, feels almost like a sweater and looks so beautiful on. My daughter tries to steal it daily, she may need one for Christmas!

I find all my yoga pants at TJ Maxx and usually I get Green Apple. They are long enough for my long legs, the material is gorgeous and I feel really sexy in them. Yes, sexy in yoga pants. This is a priority of mine.

I adore boots with heels and again, spent lots of money on shoes that don't feel good. I can walk the dog in these, stand in them for hours and they are heaven.

My feather earrings are no longer for sale but browsing through Etsy you'll find gorgeous feathers, like these.

Natural elements and animal energy has become vital for me, I adore this.

My favorite infinity scarf with shimmer is no longer for sale, I'd buy 12 of them if it was. I found something like it but I've never touched this one so don't know how it feels.

A stretchy and chunky belt is my new favorite thing. It helps me create some shape and not feel so self conscious about those things they call 'love handles!' I don't have this one but a similar one.

***

What I most want you to know is that finding your style is about the inner and outer expression of you. It is the telling of your story through the image you put on and bring to the world. Your style is a blend of your visions, feelings and comforts.

Feel gorgeous, be gorgeous.

***

More musings on HSP...

HSP That's Me

Tales of an HSP

Highly Sensitive Packing

Highly Sensitive Unpacking

Beautiful Faces. Magical Places.

I am eager for the lists that make their way out on sleepy Friday mornings. Today I am a Target for twinkle lights, hoping that isn't pink eye on the little one, craving Chloe's soup, trying not to push, looking forward to tomorrow and breakfast out kind of mama.

These are my pay-it-forward lists.

I am totally going to try to play with this way of being with my daughter.

I'm shifting how I am spending my energy so that I am in filling up mode rather than depleting. This from Sas says it all.

Abraham is my secret weapon. Like for reals.

Let's all make one shall we? My kids and I are so on it.

 In. Love.

Comfort zones are huge for me, thinking I will brave taking pictures when we go out for breakfast tomorrow.

People often think part of my work is about self-care. I rarely use those words because if you looked at my life you would see very little of this classic 'self-care.' I follow my passion, I stay up late creating and get burned out, I let my eyebrows go to long without plucking and I think about getting a massage all the time. For me it is compassion. For myself and others. Bam.

The message on this gorgeous piece is what I want you all to know, to remind yourselves. A gift to the soul, she needs to know.

Just got this from one of the gorgeous women in Community Grace. I love, love, love. Been playing with scents as I am sensitive but often crave just the lightest truth from the oils.

Chloe and I both have moon calendars in our rooms. I love that so young she is already understanding new moon energy and full moon madness!

A blessing for battle.

 

You are beauty. You are grace. You are love.

You are not the voices that tell you that you are fat or unloved or without. Broken.

You are joy unfolding.

You are not lacking. You are not them. You are not wrong.

You are perfectly imperfect and passionate beyond your own knowing.

Open yourself. Surrender to that feeling defining you. You are safe.

You are beauty. You are grace. You are love.

Forgive yourself for one moment and feel the gorgeous reality that you are so OK.

Release into your flow that is your dance through this year and into the next.

Send the sparks of desire, the waves of delight and the echo of your dreams into this day. And into this
night.

This is your blessing. A blessing to carry into battle.

You are beauty. You are grace. You are love.

To Feast

I spread out the tablecloth,
slip off my shoes and feast on preparation.

There is a dance that I do when I’m not moving.
I dream the dance, know the dance.

Can I say yes to the beauty and inspiration without pause?
Feast on my life.

I look down and see the first tattoo on my arm,
bird in flight,
joy in her eye.
Feathers found calling me forth towards abundance.
I feel the leather I curl onto,
the cotton comforter I bury under,
the fear I face as I move into my next dream.

Joy arises even as my tears fall and my body flares in pain.
Time. Passing, flowing, fighting, slowing, wanting, moving.
I let my pelvis ground me, holding, releasing, pushing, pulling.
Sensual space and divine trust.

Simplicity of habit
and that moment
when you know in your spirit that you won’t do that.

You won’t settle, you won’t allow.
Can I say the words that scare me but I must. Now.
To ease into divine pleasure.
I glue my list of dreams,
colorful and life alteringly scary-wonderful.

I vision. I accept that it feels like this now.
A knowing that I can shift those feelings, now.
Can I release and flow into my magic. My joy. My yes.

There is a feast in my spirit each time I find a feather where I never saw a bird.

***

Many months ago I set a very strong intention to manifest. I wrote that I wanted to be invited to teach at a retreat where I could wear my yoga pants. To me this meant being invited to teach places where I could be myself.

Many weeks ago Liz sent me an email about the possibility of teaching at a retreat that she was dreaming of, focused on joy and feasting on our lives. I learned to manifest by finding feathers. I would focus on them, feel their beauty, see them in mind's eye.

The retreat will be a true feast, of the senses and at the table we will share and in our beautiful time together. The spaces are limited and filling so beautifully with exactly the women who are called to be together in this space.

Learn more about this gorgeous time we will spend together in April. If you are being called into this cabin in the woods, I can't wait to meet you, to hug you, to guide you and to feast with you. Set your intention to manifest this magical time.

(Photo credit Vivienne McMaster)

Magic. A reminder.