if you travel far enough.

November 28, 2013

movement

“If you travel far enough,

one day you will recognize yourself

coming down the road to meet you.

And you will say

YES.”

~ Marion Woodward

An answer to a beautiful question…

Sometimes I wake up and I have pains from my head down my jaw and into my shoulders. Maybe sinus,maybe clenching, maybe stress but most likely all three. I should take stock in Motrin.

I get panic attacks. They have become more like waves than sitting outside the emergency room waiting for the impending heart attack. Those were last year. This year the waves.

My kids fight a lot of the time and it brings me to my knees. And then I yell and knees aren’t low enough for how I fall.

I put on weight when I am in a place of unknowing, or cocooning, or feeling scared. And then looking in the mirror is hard. I do it anyway and it can feel like physical pain to know that I am back here again. Learning the same thing over and over and over.

And over. And needing the next size jeans.

I forget to drink water. I wish I could be hooked up to an IV and hydrated once a week. Sometimes I even buy a gatorade and drink it as fast as I can.

I am driving on two flat tires because making appointments to have things or teeth or body parts fixed is not my strength.

I killed my daughter’s fish, got mad at Patrick last night because I didn’t think he was being supportive (think being the word here) and let my 8 year old stay home because I didn’t want to be alone today.

When I got my circle tattoo on my finger they didn’t close the circle. I thought they did. But they didn’t. And I believe it is the Universe giving me a sign and maybe someday I will close it. Or not.

Sometimes I hurt when I think friends no longer like me or don’t need what I give. When I put my heart into things and then feel sad. The fear of losing relationships a constant and getting lost in that, but more than that. Knowing that it does happen and I will be OK. I will be OK.

Some days I can’t find my gratitude and I feel like I complained and hid and threw tantrums.

There are memories that haunt me and cycle back into my body and I want to free them.

I am intense and it can be a lot for others to hold.

At 6pm I realize I have nothing for dinner.

This is why my hot cup of coffee each morning made for me with love is sacred.
This is why I wear beautiful jewelry every day and dress myself for how I want to feel.
This is why I pray through words, altars, surrender, tea bags, giggles, connection, texts.
This is why fresh flowers matter.
This is why I send love notes through Fb, texts, the mail, feathers, lipstick, emails.
This is why the picture of the feather my daughter drew for me reminds me that she is watching.
This is why I circle with women who believe in magic and risk and doing things that feel out of their comfort zone.
This is why I keep trying and hoping when every sign points to the shitstorm.
This is why soulwork saves my soul.
This is why there are so many pictures of me on Instagram.
This is why one bite of a chocolate cupcake wearing a vegan leather jacket can feel like a tiny piece of bliss.
This is why gratitude looks like a piece of pie or meeting your girlfriend at the mall on a Wednesday night or patience for feelings you have inside.
This is why I often send out the SOS text for a bottle of red around 5:00pm.
This is why that hug on the beach, barefoot and crying will happen. Over and over.
This is why when I find a shirt that feels like heaven on my skin I buy 4. And then 5.
This is why I don’t have to ask how you feel but rather how you want to feel inside of your beautiful dreams.
This is why your stories are mine. Mine yours. And every word is precious.
This is why beautiful is one of my favorite words and joy lives in my gut.
This is why I no longer try to make everyone happy but rather live in my truth.
This is why the irony of scared and sacred isn’t lost on me.
This is why there is no doubt magic exists.
This is why love takes so many shapes. Even an unclosed circle.
This is why I love this life now.
This is why I say thank you to my own heart.
This is why when I go to bed I think about who I want to be the next day.
This is why waking up to that coffee is my starting moment, with each sip telling me a story of now.

This is why.

Because it isn’t happening to me, it is happening within me.

This is why.

The shifts that I can make blow my mind. So can the sadness I feel. So can the love.

This is why seeing how much beauty exists, even inside of pain, forever guides me.

This is why I travel.

This is my yes.

***

(From Thursday morning love letter from me to you. Sign up in the box up there on the right to receive your little Thursday morning love.)

My answer.

Photo Ruth Clark Photography.

{ 19 comments… read them below or add one }

Heather November 28, 2013 at 9:33 am

Hannah, this post really spoke to me. How you yell at your kids and fall to your knees, driving on flat tires….
“This is why your stories are mine. Mine yours. And every word is precious. ”
My words could never express this but… THANK YOU!

Reply

Hannah November 28, 2013 at 4:06 pm

thank you heather. so appreciate you leaving words here. xo

Reply

Meg November 28, 2013 at 1:04 pm

Every single thing here. Holding your digital hand and heart in solidarity.

Much love. xm

Reply

Hannah November 28, 2013 at 4:06 pm

thank you sweet thing. xoxo

Reply

Kris November 28, 2013 at 5:20 pm

I love this post so much. We need more of this in the world…the truth, the realness of human living…and how we can combat that with love, beauty, creating altars, drinking slow cups of coffee before we hit the ground running! My biggest desire for my life is for my soul to have her voice. You’re an inspiration. You show how to do that while living in this noisy world. Keep living out loud, Hannah. This is awesome, awesome stuff!!!

Reply

Hannah November 29, 2013 at 6:33 pm

soul to have her voice, beautiful.

Reply

Kris November 28, 2013 at 5:27 pm

I’m thensingsmysoul33.blogspot.com. I attached the wrong link : )

Reply

Ron November 28, 2013 at 5:36 pm

Hannah, it’s been a while since we last chatted. This post today really spoke to me and I really needed it. Please keep writing and sharing. Sincerely, Ron

Reply

Hannah November 29, 2013 at 6:34 pm

Thank you.

Reply

Renee November 29, 2013 at 11:46 am

Hannah,

I felt your heart through your words in this post. It was so genuine and genuinely inspiring. Like you, I work with women to empower, reveal truth and to connect, but sometimes I get little reminders that I am imperfect and on this journey too. Just because I’m leading doesn’t mean I’ve got it all under control…thanks for the blessed reminder today…I do have my shit together even when it’s scattered all over the room!! Hugs to you!

Reply

Hannah November 29, 2013 at 6:34 pm

I often think we lead because we must as we are learning so so much!!!

Reply

Renee November 30, 2013 at 9:27 am

Dr. Wayne Dyer once wrote, “We teach that which we must learn”.

Reply

Shauna November 29, 2013 at 12:03 pm

Hannah, thank you for this. I don’t wish these times on anyone, but I needed to hear today that I am not alone. Especially today.
blessings lovely one!

Reply

Hannah November 29, 2013 at 6:35 pm

Yes, it all feels like part of the spiral, we must all journey through.

Reply

Diana Dellos November 29, 2013 at 1:01 pm

truth. really love this. thank you so much. <3

Reply

Hannah November 29, 2013 at 6:35 pm

Thank you Diana.

Reply

carrie jile November 30, 2013 at 6:40 am

Hannah, I want to give you a big hug! Some days we are up and some days we are down. Now don’t let that stress you out. Just take deep breaths…this is very calming. You must take care of yourself in order to care for your family.
Much love, carrie

Reply

Michelle Akin December 2, 2013 at 7:38 pm

It’s amazing to read someone else’s words and feel, “I could have written this! These are my words too!”

I feel like we have a soul connection that the Universe electric company hasn’t been charging me for.

THANK YOU <3

Reply

Rozanne Henry December 3, 2013 at 5:32 am

Hannah thank you always for your honesty. I struggle with this because I am always wondering how others will see me or think that I feel too much, that I am too deep, if you know what I mean. I find I hold back on my own blog posts when this happens, yet its this VERY vulnerability you show that has led me to you and that keeps me reading your work over and over day after day. YOU, Hannah have had me in tears on the couch wanting to be more honest, wanting to show the real me. YOU give me perm….iss…ion!

THANK YOU <3

Reply

Leave a Comment

CommentLuv badge

{ 1 trackback }

Previous post:

Next post: