The prayer. I prayed that I would stop being so lonely and that for just 5 minutes I could close my eyes and everything I had built in my business would still be there.
Lonely. Married with three kids. Friends by the dozens. Family all around. Hundreds of women inside of the most amazing tribes formed in my work. Teaching programs about joy.
Lonely. I sent the prayer up and since then its cascading message has been my beautiful work of learning to receive its truth.
Lonely. I find a journal from 1994. “Why is it that I am so lonely and scared inside of a relationship and without one?” I was 19. “I feel like I’m losing myself.” She left me a note from the past and I thank her deeply.
Lonely. To my core. Not because I’m not living a beautiful life, because I never learned how to be OK as me. To be whole and true and loved by me without the safety of another.
Lonely. Recently our marriage was rocked, deeply. Again. We both realized that we have so much healing to do as our own selves, outside of the ‘us.’ We don’t know what this means or what it will look like in 5 months or a year. But we are going through it with love and compassion and a whole lot of time to discover.
Lonely. Teaching myself, guiding myself to be with myself. Just me feeling whole and complete and inside this gorgeous life. Sometimes I feel like I am 19 again. Like I can feel her, see her, touch her. We aren’t that far away.
Lonely. And I am so OK with being here. I see this as all my life leading up to this moment of now. Of now. Of knowing that I can be in this place and not suffer. I can be here and in sadness or joy I can know me.
Lonely. I am seeking space to know her. That 19 year old and the 38 year old who is ready to look her in the eye and promise her that now we are strong enough. Now we have the spirit guides. We have the truth of now.
Lonely. I am joyful to be here. I am grateful inside of grateful to have said that prayer. To be here.
Lonely. To know that everything I teach is my guide. To know that you may be lonely too and I am breaking the silence for us.
Lonely. I am so excited to journey into this soulwork of becoming safe inside and no longer searching for that safety outside of myself. I pray that this is a gift I give to my children. But mostly to myself. A gift precious of wants and desires, a feeling of being juicy and alive with wholeness. Of knowing connectedness in its purest state.
Lonely. Yes. Yes. And joyful.
And I have closed my eyes and the words are still there. I have closed my eyes and nothing faded away. I have closed my eyes and shown you my tears and you all whispered, I see you, thank you for seeing me.
Everything changes inside of #operationselfcarelikewhoa. (pictures on Instagram @hannahmarcotti)
Thank you God. Thank you Universe. Thank you lonely.
Knowing where you are and stating it allows you to change everything. Without that truth, and yes it can take 19 years to find, the next words to the story won’t match up.
Perhaps we all must go through a time of losing ourselves so that we step on this path and journey to our heart’s calling. I am devouring the journey. Lonely is a gift of leading us to discover peace inside.
Finding feathers along my path has allowed me flight and in this flight I can see the beauty surrounding me.
And so it is. Inside of this awakening.
(More on #operationselfcarelikewhoa to come!!)
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“Perhaps we all must go through a time of losing ourselves so that we step on this path and journey to our heart’s calling.”
These words jumped off the white space of my computer and into my heart. I immediately felt/recongnized/knew….this is exactly what happened to me at the tender age of 25 and it’s happening again at 35. I am breathing that knowingness In. Trusting the process (on most days, but not all). And surrendering, one breath at a time. Thank You for being brave in joy and brave in loneliness. You make each one equally beautiful.
Breathe that knowingness in…
Thank you for being here Sharon. xoxo
I remember when my son was an infant thinking “how can I be so lonely when I have another person attached to me all day?” I felt so lonely and yet never alone. The loneliness is still there. The alone time comes more often as my children have grown (but not as often as my soul would like). I’ve never thought about the connection to being okay with me, feeling beautiful and complete when I’m alone. Self love. Completeness. Abundance in me. Seems like it would be less lonely in that.
Feeling beautiful and complete while alone. Yes!!! exactly.
You’ve put words to my feelings, and peeked inside my soul. I see you, and hope that someone sees me.
We see you, we really do.
When I think of my 19 yr old me I want to cry for her. This is beautiful. So many emotions. Thank you.xo
I know. Me too Bernadette. Time to wrap her in love and let her release…
This speaks to me in floods. To be excited about finding safety in myself rather than being overwhelmed at the hills I have to climb: I can re-align my perspective that way. Thank you.
Yes, the safety of self. Safety of self. xo
Your words always settle into a familiar place in me. And today is no exception. I appreciate so much the depth of your sharing and the beauty of your creations. Lonely is something that has knocked on my door and over-stayed on occasion. But I am becoming increasingly aware that I am never alone, so lonely doesn’t come around so much anymore. We are all a part of each other. The universal field of love is the same for us all…we share it…we live in it…we ARE it. And wherever I am right now is exactly where I am supposed to be. So grateful that your work is part of this journey. xoxo
YEs, right now is exactly where we are supposed to be. And the beauty is that we get to have now over and over again. Thank you for being here, like truly. xo
I am lonely too. I was lonely at 19 and desperate not to feel that way. Now at 41 and married with 2 kids I am still so incredibly lonely. There was a time maybe when I was not but now I just can’t find my joy any more, I am lost.
Ah “everything I teach is my guide.” Grace, truth + beauty most certainly do seem to be your guides.
Love you,
TG
This post. This. All of this. Such truth. And so comforting to know that I’m not alone in feeling this way. I feel like it will always be this way and am struggling to find the lessons in the loneliness. Thank you for sharing this journey, beautiful Hannah.
Thank you for beautifully putting this out there.
I sometimes feel like my 17 year old self. The scarred one. The Lonely. The insecure. She is right there with me, like a companion on my road, on my Life Path. I learned to live with her.
You inspire me to share more about it, thank you. Thank you Hannah.
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