I asked Patrick if he remembered the first time he saw me. I knew he did of course because he has told me the story many times. We were both in the theatre department and there was a party at a house out in the woods and all of us were gathering together for rides to the house.
I was coming out of a horrible heart-break but determined to get myself up and dressed and out to this party, the last before summer. I was 18 years old for reference! I started over to the meeting spot and I do remember him sitting in the back of a truck or something. Right about the same time the person who broke my heart showed up. Needless to say I didn’t go to the party. I think I ran back to my dorm as fast as I could. Details of the heart-break not shared but I will say it was so completely devestating, even as I look back on it. I can’t believe such a young soul had to be inside such sadness.
But Patrick will say he saw me and was really pleased I would be at the party. He said he thought I was beautiful but in such a different way than other people. He tells the story with words about how my style and who I was didn’t seem the same as other 18 year olds. I wore a scarf every day, huge earrings, layers, hats…
He was bumming that I didn’t go to the party.
My sense of self was so strong when I was younger. I remember it. I remember the feeling of being 19. I have always known how deeply our style translates who we are to people faster than words. It was how I communicated with my surroundings. No one was talking about HSP or females with ADD and I had yet to have my first panic attack.
The layers provided me with gentle comfort. The scarves held me grounded. The jewelry centering. I remember I used to come back to my dorm for a nap each day and I would strip off the layers down to leggings and a bodysuit. Oh yes, I said body suit, every day. (It was the 90′s!)
As Patrick and I are both seeking healing in our own lives and in our relationship we find it so helpful to look back. To remember. To find the connections not just to our togetherness but to who we were.
To remember what we loved.
To remember what felt good.
To remember what made us laugh.
To remember the kind of people we loved spending time with.
To remember our why-s.
To remember our passion.
To remember our style.
To remember our movements.
At some point, I don’t remember quite when, maybe when I got my first job and had to wear a uniform, or when I started to make decisions that went against my heart and gut, or when I was going through that slightly painful decade(s) of growing up – I started to disconnect. I do believe we are born with all of our answers and truths but the journey we are on is how we unearth them. I don’t believe that journey is supposed to be free of mistakes or loss or regrets or missteps.
How could we reach these beautiful places without going through the whole emotional scale? The reason I believe in joy so deeply is because I believe in all emotions, all feelings and their validity to our purpose, to our being.
Every time I think how calm and slightly easy my life seems to be something happens. I go into the shake-up, the crazy-making, the lesson-learning, the heart-expanding.
These last 4 or 5 years have been about the journey back to me. Connecting back to the passion of that 19 year old girl in a woman’s body with so much less fear. With a confidence that can only come with the seasoning of the soul. I’ve always felt like an old soul whose mission was to relearn and then guide others once I found the inner wisdom.
What I am asking of you is this:: Look back at you.
Grab yourself at any age where you felt connected and wise and free. When you climbed mountains or went on road trips or ran around on the beach in the nude. Free.
Don’t go back and look at your mistakes, you’ve already grabbed the wisdom from them. Don’t focus on regrets, they are spirit eaters. Don’t blame. Dear me, don’t blame others or yourself. That is baggage for the heart sad. We want heart happy.
That 19 year old wanted her nose pierced and to have tattoos and to live in NYC. She wanted to be madly in love inside of a passionate love affair and no marriage certificate. She desired becoming a mama always. She couldn’t remember why she ever put down the guitar or was too afraid to take singing lessons. She always thought about belly dancing. A road trip across the United States made her tingle. She spent so much time thinking about rearranging furniture and going on auditions. She craved time barefoot in gardens and lying in the sun letting the Vit D soak into her skin. She loved making people feel good.
Now at 38 I can go back to her desires and align them with the me now. The strength that has come with the journey allows me to look back at her desires and peek at them next to my desires now. Part of my visioning process comes from her wishes too. She is me. I am her.
Look back at you.
Take the time to remember. Throw out the should-of could-of crap. You are you now.
White space. Beautiful canvas. Emerging feminine. Desirous spirit.