The Pain of the Present

A night in the E.R. was a lesson in being present. Patrick and I were talking about how there is no better way to be in the moment, the now, then when you are in pain.

I kept trying to tell myself during the pain that in a few hours I would feel better. The pain didn’t care. It kept on and I was in the now with each spasm and what I can only describe as labor pain.

I felt the pain of the present.

I had some sort of bladder infection that reminded me of my second and natural miscarriage which presented for me intense back pain. Pain holds strong memory. It is the sensory memory, just like the smell of coffee and cinnamon buns can transport you to a kitchen years past.

A perfect E.R. patient I am not. I am exhausted, not wanting morphine and quite confused as to why they would think I would have a kidney stone. (I do by the way.) I think at one point I mentioned my bladder infections never reading on a test as an infection, they were mostly emotional, something about homeopathy. Yeah, you can imagine.

Eventually the pain released somewhat and I relaxed  into the stretcher, which was quite comfortable at this point. I knew what my bladder was telling me, I’ve heard it before. We have strong connections to parts of our bodies, if we are open to hearing them, they will speak to us.

Louise Hay says what I know, the bladder is all about holding. It is a spot of held anxiety, of holding onto old ideas. Problems with the bladder represent fears of letting go. Of being pissed off.

My bladder has always spoken to me. After my first miscarriage I couldn’t pee. It may have been from the surgery, but I remember staying up all night, eventually I nibbled on catnip (I know) and lit a candle and just prayed that my bladder would release. Finally it did.

I suffered a similar experience as this bladder infection when we were planning my wedding years ago. I had some old things that needed to be released, I had fears. It wasn’t until I addressed them that my pain and bladder were able to heal.

It makes sense that my bladder is asking me to be present. There is a lot going on in my world. I’m shifting, I am having old feelings surface, I’m doing it all with three kids and feeling some guilt about my world mixed with theirs. I am ready to move into the next phase of opening space for myself. I am ready to cleanse*. Occasionally I get pissed off.

Louise offers us a new thought for healing when the bladder is involved.

I comfortably and easily release the old and welcome the new in my life. I am safe.

I stayed in bed most of the day yesterday. I thought I would just take the computer and catch up on some projects. Be really productive. All my body wanted to do was sleep and rest in the cozy blankets. I read a little bit. I felt some of my emotions rise to the surface. I woke up to find a message from a friend that said exactly what I needed to hear.

Being present means not always being strong. It means feeling tired or scared. It is understanding the fears so you can move through. Each time new space is coming in your life, something happens. It might be like my bladder or it presents itself in your own way. It is in the listening that you are able to move through.

You can be strong later. In the present you need to feel it to move through it.

*** *** ***

*During this cleanse I am going to add an optional component of releasing to our 10 days. We’ll talk about how to release some old fears, or habits and how this cleansing time will be perfect for allowing you to make new space for yourself. I will be doing it right along side of all of you, ready to let go of some of my old stuff.

Tagged as: reflecting, relationship, self care